DH is EA but he might now have cancer

[Selfishapparently]

Basically this, our marriage is hanging by a thread as I’ve realised I’ve been constantly gaslighted and controlled for years. No one else seems to see it as I’m the seemingly reactive one.

He’s been signed off from work over the last four months with stress and in this time has started drinking and being more and more awful to me, refusing to help around the house. Mind games are increasingly getting worse. It’s so suffocating.

He went today for routine check up due to family history of cancer. They have now discovered a tumour that needs a biopsy.

He’s in bits understandably and I’ve tried to be supportive but he says he wants to be left alone. He’s gone out but either due to shock or again his usual unreasonable behaviour, has taken both car/house keys so I can’t go out myself. I just feel trapped with his news, my mixed feelings and physically being stuck. He said he’d be back when he has had time to process this news.

I also feel incredibly guilty. I should have more sympathy but his behaviour has absolutely drained me, it’s hard to for me to process what to do next.

I just wanted to express on here how I’m feeling as I feel trapped and low.

My first thought was that he’s sensed you’re heading for the exit @Selfishapparently and this cancer thing isn’t even real

you have ONE shot right now and that is to leave as soon as you’re able to, like in the next day or so. So call WA, call solicitors, call anyone who can help you and make sure you’re doing everything to protect yourself, your kids and your assets

Leave.
Let those close to you know what's been going on and who cares what anyone else thinks.
Whatever is going on with him, whether he's lying or it's the truth, it's no concern if yours. He shouldn't have been a vile nasty human being. He doesn't deserve a loving wife. Supportive relationships work two ways. You're being abused and need to leave.

I also spent years pretending to everyone that my controlling, unhappy marriage was all fine. When I finally left my friends and family all breathed a huge sigh of relief - they though he was an absolute twat and couldn’t understand why I’d stayed so long.

I delayed leaving for so long. I went for years hoping for a quick end - him running off with another woman, a fatal car crash, but I just didn’t have the guts to do it for myself.

When I did - oh the bliss!

FWIW I’m happily remarried - and so is he.

Too many people look at the big picture - what about this, what about that, what will this person think, what happens at christmas, how lonely will I be etc etc. Stop worrying about this big picture and think about the small things right in front of you now. stop looking so far ahead and look one day ahead, one week ahead. take baby steps. you say you are worried about the loneliness and upheaval but honestly how could it be worse than the situation you are in now. you have nil control, everything is about him, revolves around him and his moods. and do you think your kids dont notice this and are unaffected by it? However bad things get in the future once you have left him, I can guarantee you that nothing will ever feel as bad as this relationship. you need to hold onto that.

I’m not unsympathetic to cancer patients because my dh died of it last year but the waiting lists for diagnosis are quite long at the moment and if it is cancer there is an unbelievable amount of appointments. He’s in for a long haul here if it is cancer.

Get yourself out and safe. I cannot emphasise enough how hard it is to look after someone with cancer if you love them. If they aren’t good partners the resentment would be huge.

@Selfishapparently hopefully speaking to WA will give you a bit more confidence about what you need to do.

I only ever felt lonely when I was married. I'm on my own now and have not felt lonely or missed him once. Yes, I went through a sort of grief (that I struggled to understand because I used to dream of not having him in my life) but that soon passed. And without him 'working' on me all of the time I had the clarity to see his behaviour for what it was. It was really quite enlightening, as was having the freedom to post on MN.

When you've been with them a long time and they have made you dependent on them and pushed you down to rock bottom it does seem scary. People have commented on how different I am now and I can feel it but I didn't think I was anything other than strong when I was married (although I did feel like I was going out of my mind and didn't want to live anymore).

It's all a headfuck, that's what it's designed to be. Once you start to understand his behaviour you can see it for what it is and not be so affected by it.

The main thing you have to do at the moment is not let him see any change in your behaviour. Do not tell him you want to leave him. Speak to WA, they will advise how best to keep yourself safe. I know that might sound a bit melodramatic when he's 'only' been emotionally abusive but that is no less damaging than physical abuse (sometimes moreso) and they will often ramp up their abuse when they feel they are losing control.

Please can I have another handhold and reality check? I had spoken to WA, they were great, after the weekend, I’ll contact the local DV agency. Thanks also for the book recommendation. I was recommended to go on the freedom programme. All good. I took myself out yesterday for the whole day, just escaped to catch up with family and few friends. Trued to switch off and be happy.

When I got back, I faced a tearful rage and vitriol from DH. I was accused of being cruel, manipulative and all sorts of other stuff. During the day I had similar, he kept hanging up on me when he called to criticise me, despite my protests. I told him not to talk to me like that but he shouted me down and the accusations that I was cruel, betrayed him in his hours of need and that he was there for me during hard times were just too hard for me to hear. So I gave him sympathy and listened and apologised. I felt so awful and guilty. Just made me totally fearful if I ever chose to leave.

This morning he was all smiles. Came back from walking the dog and now he says he’s depressed. He’s not wanting to help as he feels awful, told I must stop nagging. I’ve just come up to cry in the bathroom. I hate this. I feel so alien and weak in myself. I just wanted to let the pain I’m feeling out on here.

what do you do when you’re too scared to fight back or leave? You’re stuck due to manipulation and guilt. I need to go and make the kids lunch but please anyone, I just feel so sucker punched by his control and then supposed vulnerability. He hasn’t mentioned the cancer interestingly.

Handhold op.
This is where you really need support to help you stay strong.
He sounds so awful that you really only have one choice.

Basically he can't bear for you to be happy or have anything for yourself for even one day. So he threw a ton of accusations and guilt your way after you'd been out.

He was all smiles this morning because he knew he got to you and had ruined your day. The mask slipped - it makes him happy to think he's regained control.

He's back at the "woe is me I'm depressed" after the dog walk because he doesn't want to relent on the guilt and manipulation, in case you take the smiles this morning as being let off for your "crimes".

He hasn’t got cancer, he’s happy because he thinks you’re back in your box.

You’re the one with all the power not him. You can leave he’s stuck with himself.

Theres no cancer.

I know you’re all right. It so scary how manipulative he is. Do you think he knows what he is doing? Yesterday there were lots of tears and rage but being told he is falling apart and I’m to blame was so heartbreaking. He threw in some aces that really pinged at my guilt in that others (family, his friends) seem to show him more understanding when his own wife couldn’t in his time of need. I felt truly drained.

In his depressive state, he’s now gone out again. Just said he needed to drive around and go for a walk. This morning I’d asked if we as a family could go somewhere with the kids but now doesn’t look like that will happen. I’m left to deal with the house work and not enjoy the rest of my bank holiday. Kids now out themselves but I’m feeling so run down and demoralised. I will push through though but it just feels so very hard.

thank you for the boost and handhold.

Why fearful and not angry?

How DARE he scream and shout at you for leaving the house.

How DARE he harass you with phone calls because you saw family and some friends.

How DARE he accuse you of not supporting him when he's a) probably faking the entire fucking thing and b) have put up with his shit for years.

How DARE he make it his day's work to harangue, accuse and bully you.

How DARE he have the gall to be all bouncy and chirpy when he's off out for more booze at the expense of your happiness and security.

See the DV agency as soon as possible and get this malignant presence out of your life. Then you can be as happy as you were yesterday when you saw your family and friends that he wants to stop you seeing - because they might support you to get free of him.

Don't stay in - go out yourself. Why should you be stuck at home?

Would you be angry on behalf of a friend who was treated like this? (I hope so) Try to be a friend to yourself.

May have had a colonoscopy, and had a polyp biopsied.

Dont confuse being alone with being lonely. You might find that being alone is wonderful, calming and replenishes your spirit.

But you have to fast for a colonoscopy so OP would know.

He’ll manipulate any and every situation to suit himself. The alcohol will make him worse and potentially dangerous ( my alcoholic ex threatened to rape me then kill me )
I think you need to get out and as far away as possible. He’ll have resources to help him if he is ill. Contact the Cinnamon Trust if you can’t take your dog https://cinnamon.org.uk/
Claim all the benefits you can until you’re back on your feet. WA might be able to help with a refuge in the short term.

And leaving the alcoholic ex was the best thing I ever did. He never found me.

Don't stay in. Go out somewhere. Go for a walk. Meet someone.

Fuck his health scare. It’s your own health you should be concerned about. Women who live with an abuser are at high risk of developing auto immune conditions from living under constant stress.

What is your living situation op?

Do you honestly think you could be more lonely than you are right now?

These people who might think so badly of you if you walk away from this horrible human being REGARDLESS of the supposed cancer diagnosis are not living the hell that is your life currently.
They do not walk in your shoes.
They do not have the right to judge you.
And really... are they SO important that they get to dictate your life choices to you?

This time next year will 'they' even be in your new life?
Or will 'they' stay around, holding the hand of your poor sick neglected husband?

We only get one chance of life... dont waste yours on this person or on worrying about the opinions of other people who will go on living their 'perfect' lives no matter what you decide to do.
And do not imagine for one second that this atmosphere is not affecting your children, colouring their future attitudes to adult relationships.
By putting YOU first right now, you are modelling a healthier future for them too.

Do you think he knows what he is doing? Yesterday there were lots of tears and rage but being told he is falling apart and I’m to blame was so heartbreaking

OP, he's a narcissist who's about to lose his audience and he's lashing out. Of course he knows what he's doing.

You need to pick your self worth up of the floor, stop worrying about what anyone else might think of you and leave.

Hello OP.

I would add to this excellent advice - flex to the attitude at hand with him, just to stay safe. Pander to him in order to stay safe.

I think he is an abuser AND he may also have become unwell. Unfortunately he has burned his boats with you and that's his tough sh*t.

You have to stay there for a while, therefore really flex your behaviour to try and ensure your safety - I'd turn the phone to silent for example, and then say you were walking in the woods out of range - I'd take long baths, do cupboard cleaning out of his way in the kitchen - I'd have early nights, read books, watch films in bed away from him - all while you hatch your plan to leave.

Take nothing he says seriously - let it all slide off your back - placate him, give the right answers and then just slide away quietly - create and write in a journal, I use word on my Mac - start going through things in your own mind - keep safe, and work a plan to escape.

x

Yep this. OP this is the king and the short of it: you will always be in an abusive relationship if you stay in an abusive relationship.

That is not your concern . Your only concern is to yourself.