DH is EA but he might now have cancer

[Selfishapparently]

Basically this, our marriage is hanging by a thread as I’ve realised I’ve been constantly gaslighted and controlled for years. No one else seems to see it as I’m the seemingly reactive one.

He’s been signed off from work over the last four months with stress and in this time has started drinking and being more and more awful to me, refusing to help around the house. Mind games are increasingly getting worse. It’s so suffocating.

He went today for routine check up due to family history of cancer. They have now discovered a tumour that needs a biopsy.

He’s in bits understandably and I’ve tried to be supportive but he says he wants to be left alone. He’s gone out but either due to shock or again his usual unreasonable behaviour, has taken both car/house keys so I can’t go out myself. I just feel trapped with his news, my mixed feelings and physically being stuck. He said he’d be back when he has had time to process this news.

I also feel incredibly guilty. I should have more sympathy but his behaviour has absolutely drained me, it’s hard to for me to process what to do next.

I just wanted to express on here how I’m feeling as I feel trapped and low.

Yes - but I'm sure you have to fast beforehand to prepare for an endoscopy. So presumably OP would know if he had had that.

I don't think it's impossible he had some sort of test that could have revealed something, but he could be billy-bullshitting about the whole thing. That's why I was asking what test it was.

I think the fact that you don't feel upset that he's possibly ill, but that the potential cancer has made you feel trapped (keys issues aside), is very telling. That deep down gut reaction is the one you should listen to, and it's telling you to run.

If he is ill, and you stay, you will only end up hating and resenting him more.

It actually shows what a nice person you are, that you're even considering staying if he's ill.

If you were to leave him, does it really matter what his relatives think? Are they the type of people you would be friends with if it wasn't for your H?

Not that it should make a difference, but if you're not overly close or friendly to them anyway, you need to try to not care what they think.

Do you have any friends of your own that you can confide in? You may be surprised if you open up to someone - it's possible that they've seen how he treats you and just haven't wanted to say anything to you.

I know it sounds horrible but you need proof of any diagnosis. So many abusers have a 'health crisis ' when they know you are thinking of leaving or setting some boundaries.

Have you read this?

They haven't found a tumour. One may be suspected but it is not confirmed. Could be anything, cyst, fatty lump etc.

When I called my fuckwit ex out on his behaviour, he betook himself to the critical care unit of the local hospital with a “heart attack”
He is still alive and well years later

Of course it isn't bad that you don't sympathise with him OP, it's because of what he's done to you!

I'm suspicious of the cancer thing. But whether it is true or not, you need to get the hell out of there.

His family raised an absolute scumball who has treated you terribly. That's not a coincidence. There must have been some seriously messed up personalities at home. Why do you care what they think of you? You don't need their approval or judgment.

Presumably in taking both sets of keys when he leaves the house, that's to ensure, in his mind, that you somehow can't go out leaving the house unlocked. You CAN though - and you should. Taking all your important documents and never looking back. If you're worried about judgment from his family, they can find out what he did and why you left when he gets your solicitor's letter about your much-needed divorce.

I feel incredibly ashamed that I’ve got myself into this abusive mess

You need to stop blaming yourself, it's not you who has done this. It is not your shame to carry.

He may or may not be telling the truth about the cancer diagnosis but it sounds like he will very much weaponise it to abuse you further. This is where you need to start making decisions for yourself.

I understand why you think no-one will believe you, I was very good at hiding my then husband's abuse, as was he, but once I started speaking about it quite a few said that they weren't surprised.

Please speak to Women's Aid or at least your GP. You've already taken the first step which is posting here, the next one won't be so scary. You can do this, we've got you

What kind of routine check up did he have?

The universe is telling you it's time to escape. Don't let pity or guilt or a misplaced sense of duty make you stay.

You have no duty to stay with an abusive man who is trying to trap you as a punishment by stealing your keys. You have a duty of care to yourself.

The cancer is irrelevant. It's time to escape.

Do you have kids? If not, just leave him. The people who matter will believe you. Those who judge you? Ppffff, their opinions mean nothing. I'm speaking as someone who has cancer and about to face chemo. Over the last year or so, pre-diagnosis, I've found out who my friends are and I no longer give a shit about the opinions of those who, it turns out, aren't my friends.

I think though she knew he would spin it that she left him because of his cancer when frankly his tumour was the nicest part of him

Found the only bit that wasn't malignant, did they?

and you can leave him even if he has cancer you know…

This a hundred times. If he’s this awful now, he’ll be even worse when he’s stuck at home for days on end in pain. No doubt your life would be come even smaller.

I don’t want to be here with him now @tescocreditcard , but I don’t know who else he could rely on

He's an adult, he can figure it out. If his behaviour means he's facing cancer without his wife's support then he only has himself to blame. It's not a problem for you to solve.

My ex had a brain tumour allegedly

He went to see the GP the day I left, and had a cancer diagnosis the very next day by "the top consultant" with a prognosis of "I've not got long to live" and the reason he was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive was because of this brain tumour (one of the worst the consultant has seen)

I left him in the February, he'd moved in with someone else by June, and by then he'd had treatment and would you believe it? The tumor had gone!

I'm not saying your DH is telling porky pies, but it's not the first time I've read that a DH has some received some Very Bad News and as a result their wife stays.

Be careful.

I feel for you. My ex got cancer 9 months before I left. He was also an alcoholic. Thankfully it was treatable and treatment had ended before I finally had to leave with my son because of the terrible escalation in drinking (exacerbated by the stress of cancer).

I was blamed by many including his mother and friends for leaving so soon after the cancer, for not supporting him enough during treatment, and I am sure many still think badly of me. However I could NOT STAY, cancer was a side issue, I had to leave because of drinking and associated emotional abuse. I have no regrets.

Just reading your comments, thanks, it really helps me try to put his EA and now this possible BS/real cancer in perspective. I’m going to contact WA, more just to be heard as I still feel quite low and vulnerable. Last night he started having a go accusing me of knowing about his hospital appointment when I know he didn’t tell me. He was really irritable and pushing for a row which I didn’t need.

The universe is definitely telling me to leave! Not sure why but my fear is really holding me back from doing it! Fear of no home, low finances, DC moving schools, that is the material stuff and having spoke to a solicitor a while ago I know it can be managed. It’s the anxiety and general fear of actual loneliness I’m really dreading as I already feel isolated. I don’t think I will have anyone to support me. I couldn’t tell anyone other than my counsellor about my depression a few years ago. I think I still am depressed. Over the years I’ve kept this all to myself, his cruel, gaslighting behaviour and then when he switches to being nice and caring. Plus I’m at the age where friends are dealing with their own family issues. I only see my girlfriends very occasionally. I tend to make excuses not to do stuff and of course hide my shame about my marriage not being all that it seems.

I’m sad today as I wish I had more confidence to leave him. If anything, I’m worried I’ll feel much worse but have nothing. But I have nothing with him now. That potential cancer news yesterday initially made me feel like I was totally trapped. Even if it BS, I know I have to leave him but I am not sure why I keep stalling. I just procrastinate and make excuses, like I said as I’m scared.

I’m sorry for the garble but I don’t feel I have anyone to talk to. Judgement and fear and desperation are running through my head. Please help! (I did have a counsellor but I can’t afford hence seeing if I can talk to WA and of course in here)

Oh my goodness, thank you for telling me this @Rockingchai . I really want to get to that stage as I know his drinking will escalate here, I think last night that was why he was so irritable. How are you now? How did you take the steps to finally leave?

I just keep stalling and panicking and doubting myself, it hurts so much to be this useless!

@FlamingMadKatie I wish you the best with your chemotherapy. You know who your friends are at times like this.

Sometimes your friends and family see more than you think Selfishapparently.
And as someone else said if they don't have tour back are they really your friends.

Taking the current health position out of the equation, you are unhappy and have already made steps (seeing a solicitor) to consider separating. So it isn't just a random thought, it has been there for quite some time.

@QuintessentiallyScottish thank you I am reading everyone’s kind messages, the motivation needs to start but fear and doubt is holding me back.

I’ve not read that book, I’m grateful for the suggestion @Mythologies . I’ll have to download as he’ll probably spot and ramp up his behaviour more!

@Chasingsquirrels thanks, I really have to try and stop my endless worrying. Feels v hard to do though.

no wonder he feels he can play with my mind, I feel daft that I can’t just get on with it!

Leave.

don’t allow yourself to be portrayed poorly. Tell everyone how emotionally abusive he has been and tell them the final straw was when he announced his doctors appointment and stole your house and car keys and went, leaving you hostage in the house.

I think everyone will understand that.

id call the police now to explain that you are stuck I. The house and ask for assistance with a locksmith and their DV team.

don’t let him shroud his abuse in secrets, throw it out into the light and see how e arrested he is then! I would be horrified if I found out my BIL did that to my sister. People will support you

Also to add, you don’t feel you have a support community I’m guessing because he doesn’t allow one.

do you feel comfortable inviting friends round after the school run/in the evening. Do you volunteer anywhere to meet local friends and build up support. Do you have time to go to an exercise class/craft group etc. I bet not. And I bet it’s becuase you are made uncomfortable if you do.

since leaving my abusive ex I have made so many more friends, and have strengthened friendships I already had as I have time, energy and resource to do so

It might not be true. Could be another way of controlling you. Maybe make preparations to leave safely - have a bag packed, passport and bank cards safe. Make a plan - where to go etc. Contact women's aid for support. Keep yourself safe. He sounds horrific.