DH is EA but he might now have cancer

[Selfishapparently]

Basically this, our marriage is hanging by a thread as I’ve realised I’ve been constantly gaslighted and controlled for years. No one else seems to see it as I’m the seemingly reactive one.

He’s been signed off from work over the last four months with stress and in this time has started drinking and being more and more awful to me, refusing to help around the house. Mind games are increasingly getting worse. It’s so suffocating.

He went today for routine check up due to family history of cancer. They have now discovered a tumour that needs a biopsy.

He’s in bits understandably and I’ve tried to be supportive but he says he wants to be left alone. He’s gone out but either due to shock or again his usual unreasonable behaviour, has taken both car/house keys so I can’t go out myself. I just feel trapped with his news, my mixed feelings and physically being stuck. He said he’d be back when he has had time to process this news.

I also feel incredibly guilty. I should have more sympathy but his behaviour has absolutely drained me, it’s hard to for me to process what to do next.

I just wanted to express on here how I’m feeling as I feel trapped and low.

DH was told at the end of his colonoscopy appointment he had cancer. The consultant was very clear that although they had taken a sample to test there was no doubt in his mind that it was. So it's not by any means unlikely that he actually does have it.

Having said that OP I don't think it should change anything for you either way. Supporting someone through cancer treatment is really hard. I remember reading a Macmillan leaflet early on which basically said if your relationship is good you'll get each other through it but if it's got underlying problems you're fucked (I'm paraphrasing). You don't owe him anything but even if you did I'm not sure you owe him giving yourself a mental breakdown trying to get him through this. It might even be better for him if you leave too - whatever shitty reasons that exist in his mind for treating you like he does won't disappear just because he has cancer and if he doesn't like or respect you he's not going to want to be relying on you while he's at his most vulnerable (though he probably won't see that right now).

Oh I assumed she knew he was going for the procedure - she said it was due to his family history.

He knows what he is doing. He hides his abuse of you from other people, therefore he is able to control it, additionally he knows its wrong. He doesn't care what damage it does to you and your children.

Have you recorded any of his abuse of you?

I can sympathise with you OP.

I went as far as leaving my EA husband. I'd waited until he'd recovered from his second bout of cancer in 2 years, as I didn't want to be portrayed as heartless and deserting the ill spouse. To outsiders he puts on a likeable persona, so many wouldn't believe how EA he is.

After living apart for a year (both young adult DC came with me), the cost of living crisis hit. One of my DC had moved out with their partner so there was less money for rent and bills, so I was struggling financially. Husband even offered for me to move back to the family home until I sorted myself out, which I was considering. Then he became ill again and got diagnosed with secondary cancer, stage 4. Due to the nature of the cancer his mobility was severely reduced. He needed someone to help care for him and the house but he had no-one as his parents were dead and his sibling lived miles away.

I moved back in as I felt bad leaving him on his own. He's on palliative care as cancer isn't curable, but could go on for years. It's hell. He isn't so abusive now as he knows he needs me more than I need him. I do find it hard to have any sympathy with him though, as there's no love there and I can't forget the EA he put me through. He's only late 50s, and I do see it as karma.

I can't see a quick solution for me, but I can fully understand you not wanting to leave and be seen as cruel or heartless. If I had divorced I'd have also had to force him out of his (our) home so that it could be sold. To do that when he was at his lowest physically and mentally would have been seen as unforgivable by many of our family and friends.

@Frogger8395 I think that is scary as I’ve been so unwell and run down lately.

I am so grateful for the indeed excellent advice.

I don’t actually feel like going out now, I’ve broken down and just told my sister some of his behaviour recently and she has said I need to make a plan to leave. She told me to stand up to him and not take his shit. She thinks the cancer stuff is bluff too. She’s so much tougher than me and is from the ‘say it as it is’ crew. She listened and although we’re not super close, it’s helped to cry down the phone with her. I will test her patience though as she has said I can’t be a doormat to him and moan, I need to take action.

on the other hand, I like what you’ve suggested @something2say I think I do need to keep him ‘sweet’ as he keeps having attacking angry outbursts and then emotional meltdowns. It’s overwhelming. Still no sign of him, I’m dreading him coming home. I don’t like who I’ve become. I appreciate your encouragement everyone.

OP hasn't said what test he went in for - she said "Tbh he hadn’t told me he had a hospital appointment, he usually just goes as they are with particularly consultant."

Seems unlikely he went in for a colonoscopy without her noticing fasting, taking laxatives, etc beforehand.

So I'm going with scepticism on the cancer scare. Not saying it's impossible, but seems quick.

When he comes back please get copies of keys cut for yourself so you are not left stranded like this. I would honestly try and make a contingency plan while he is out and decide whether to communicate this to your children. Once that is in place by whatever means, (Women's Aid might be a start), I'm sure you will feel less defeated by everything.

I’d believe this cancer scare when I saw objective proof of it tbh

Some great advice and support here, I second keeping a journal of some kind.
I used notes on my phone and you can create a password in notes too .

I also felt like I was loosing my mind at 1 point.. I started to write a note on my phone for every upsetting horrible interaction. When I questioned my sanity, I'd read them. It really helped me realise I needed to leave or he did.

I also completely withdrew from him, avoided him at all costs whilst placating him, not arguing. doing this made me strong in an odd way. I took my power back, grey rocked and watched him closely. And realised what an arse he was. I'd done my crying, grieving and by the time I left I was detached and strong in my conviction it was over.

It’s something with his prostate, liver or bladder. He’s told me he doesn’t want to discuss until he’s had the biopsy, in the meantime we suffer with his changeable mood and scary behaviour.

@TicTacNicNak you have my utmost sympathy as I’m dreading this in terms of finances and living situation if the diagnosis is confirmed.

I really hope the DV agency have some advice for me in this situation. I just feel trapped, guilty but now angry at what a mess this all is. I can see how abusive he is but stuck on how to break free with teens children who are also dependant on me.

Well that’s 3 different primary sites it doesn’t work like that.

My dh died of cancer last year, drs aren’t vague about the site of the tumour.

It doesn’t matter what people think of you, none of them will actually come to your aid if it is cancer.

I’ve been so unwell and run down lately.

That could be part of the reasoning behind his current behaviour and claims. They hate when we are unwell and can't bear that we are not in a position to cater for their every whim. And he is also punishing you for your body subconsciously reacting to his behaviour.

He's sounding particularly unstable just now, please do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe @Selfishapparently . I can understand why your sister thinks you should stand up to him but, as others have said, you need to try and keep him on as even a keel as possible until you are away from him.

Bollocks. More likely his Gamma GTs are shit because he's permanently pissed and his liver's the texture of Foie Gras.

As viola Davis says and she quoted someone else ... If you have the choice of disappointing yourself or someone else, always disappoint someone else. Sounds brutal but your husband sounds like a pig.

People might say how callous you were for leaving him when he was ill but tbh they need to stay in their own lane and out of yours.

I was in a similar position and left. Zero zero zero regrets. Message me if you want.

Was coming on to recommend this book - suggest you download (Apple Books or kindle app) so you can read discreetly.

I found much clarity and compassion in it, and I know many others on here will have as well. Focus on yourself - unfortunately you can’t do anything about his behavior and neither can he.

Oh love, I really feel for you here - I've been in a very similar position and was worried about what people would think or what his family would think. You know who they are now? A distant memory, just people that used to be in my life and now aren't. Some thoughts:

1. Cancer in 3 potential sites sounds like bollocks. Have they possibly found a marker in a blood test?
2. You've already made some brilliant small steps. Speaking to your sister, coming her and articulating your thoughts must have been hard but you've done it. Next do some practical things. Get a key cut and hide it. Also get your passport, birth certificate and any other important documents (mortgage, joint finances etc. ) get copies and maybe leave them at your sister's.
3. If you have a joint mortgage don't leave the house
4. Get any financial stuff in order. Do you have a joint account? Ensure you have a bank account of your own if so.

Keep talking, this can get better and you deserve peace in your life. Xx

He’s home now and I’ve just said to him that I will give him space as at the moment o cannot be who he wants me to be. Which is the truth. He was ready to start arguing and demanding that I sit with him but I just said I feel overwhelmed and it would not be good for either of us.

I’m continuing to do the laundry and tidy, it’s helped me reading your comments. I know the big steps are needed but it feels scary. He definitely is unstable @QuintessentiallyScottish , I have to think about my words carefully. I feel exhausted with this all.

Sounds cold I know but I also really don’t care whatever part it maybe. I’m just terrified I will be stuck being his carer if it is cancer.

The solicitor told me the same about my finances and that the house may need to be sold. Thanks for the tips @Catsandbikes , I’m intrigued with what you said, with him being either diagnosed and then needing treatment or with his unstable volatility and emotions, how can I safely stay in our home with our children? He will definitely not leave, I very much know that.

@Selfishapparently sorry, I missed a page and didn't see you had kids. If you have concerns for your and their safety then that changes things. WA will be able to advise you on the legalities. At some point when you leave him (you will) you will need a home for you and your children and it can be hard to shift a recalcitrant ex who makes a sale difficult.
Take the small steps now and keep communicating. Do what you need to do day to day to look after your safety and sanity but know that'll life is too short for this. Know that one day you'll close the door and it'll just be you and your children.

It’s something with his prostate, liver or bladder. He’s told me he doesn’t want to discuss until he’s had the biopsy, in the meantime we suffer with his changeable mood and scary behaviour.

Yep, this sounds like a load of bollocks, sorry. What is being biopsied exactly, all three organs? Those three would all present pretty differently.

It’s possible he wasn’t really listening, he seems the type to hear what he wants to hear. Or he could just be being a dick.

He’s being truly insufferable huffing and loudly sighing as he walks past me, I think he’s had a drink too. He is desperate for me to react. The children are back soon but might take them to grandparents. He truly is a dick!

Grey rock might be a technique to consider using with him.

Let him huff and puff.
You just vent to us here. Let this be your space so you're not holding on to all the negativity.

I’m just terrified I will be stuck being his carer if it is cancer.

You have the choice not to be.

He has the choice not to abuse you. What goes around comes around.

They send out carers if you have cancer anyway at the end.

One person caring for someone 24/7 is at risk of abuse or burnout.

Thank you all, it’s really helped to vent as I feel like I was bottling it up. My sister is great but doesn’t have the patience with me and my folks won’t get it if I tell them, they are very old school - marriage is for life, etc. That’s why my guilt builds. I’m learning to let go though through sharing on here. Thank you!

ive read up on grey rock and doing with him as we speak. Avoiding much conversation but trying to be civil. I do want to scream though!!