DH is EA but he might now have cancer

[Selfishapparently]

Basically this, our marriage is hanging by a thread as I’ve realised I’ve been constantly gaslighted and controlled for years. No one else seems to see it as I’m the seemingly reactive one.

He’s been signed off from work over the last four months with stress and in this time has started drinking and being more and more awful to me, refusing to help around the house. Mind games are increasingly getting worse. It’s so suffocating.

He went today for routine check up due to family history of cancer. They have now discovered a tumour that needs a biopsy.

He’s in bits understandably and I’ve tried to be supportive but he says he wants to be left alone. He’s gone out but either due to shock or again his usual unreasonable behaviour, has taken both car/house keys so I can’t go out myself. I just feel trapped with his news, my mixed feelings and physically being stuck. He said he’d be back when he has had time to process this news.

I also feel incredibly guilty. I should have more sympathy but his behaviour has absolutely drained me, it’s hard to for me to process what to do next.

I just wanted to express on here how I’m feeling as I feel trapped and low.

He'd rely on friends, family and the health and adult social services.

You don't need to martyr yourself.

Tbh he hadn’t told me he had a hospital appointment, he usually just goes as they are with particularly consultant. I think it’s genuine as he looked crestfallen and rang me to tell me the news.

with everyone comments I’m really not sure why he took all the sets of keys? Possibly angry at me? He has recently said some really hurtful things after a drink.

i Haven’t told anyone about his EA behaviour which means if I leave, I really will loose everything as everyone will think I’m the b who left her husband when he had cancer. He might not even have it!

You are going to be blamed for the split regardless by the sound of it by him and by his family. If it isn't leaving him when he had cancer it'll be that you left him when he had that work project or when his mums granny's cat was having an operation or whatever.

That's my point. My sister stayed. She nursed him, attended every appointment, she's a medic so she had excellent connections to ensure he got the very best second and third opinions. His surgeon was someone world renowned who did my sister the favour of doing the operation ensuring the best chance of success. And she waited and endured all his abuse all the while until his 5 year cancer-free mark.

And he still maligned and demonised her with a mountain of lies when she finally was able to leave to everyone who would listen. But we know the truth. Her friends know the truth. So do her colleagues and now a bit further down the line some of the people that initially believed him, are now seeing the truth for themselves.

Either way he'll punish you for leaving. So you might as well leave before he gets a diagnosis.

I would say he is reaping what he has sowed

Make your plans and get out

I'm sorry @Selfishapparently it's a horrible situation to be in.
Unfortunately - if your Husband is an emotional abuser - and he knows you are thinking of leaving - the abuse will get worse - potentially FAR worse - until you are actually separated.
My exH made out he had cancer - and said he was suicidal in the months before we started divorce proceedings. Neither turned out to be the case. In my case I'm sure he did it to try and guilt me into staying. It was awful.
Say to your husband you'd like to go to his next Dr's appointment, say you wish to support him. His answer could tell you a lot. My guess is he's be evasive or dismissive. Basically don't believe the cancer story until you know for sure.
If he does turn out to have cancer only you can decide what to do - but please don't stay with him out of guilt or worry about what others will think - thats how he wants you to think.

His family are likely to be just as abusive as he is; the rotten apple that is he did not fall far from the rotten tree.

Abuse also thrives on secrecy so bust this wide open now. Do also contact Womens Aid here as they can help you.

Indeed don't stay with him out of guilt or worry about what others will think - that's how he wants you to think.

Well what's the alternative - live out your life being bullied and abused by him and continuing to appear the "reactive" one to outsiders, potentially nurse him for years if it turns out to be real, end up wasting more of your precious life on a man who doesn't deserve you?

You only get the one life.

If people buy into his lies about you, then do they even know you at all?

Thank you for your replies, @Turfwars I feel like that your sister story could end up being mine. I’m terrified of that happening.

the thing I’m struggling to do is telling everyone my side about his awful EA behaviour. No one and I mean no one has seen that awful side I go through on a daily basis, he hides it so well. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed to reveal it, plus scared I’ll be seen as evil and end up alone. He is capable of manipulating his story to make me look very bad.

Start by telling one person that you trust. Then take it from there.

Go out right now and make spare sets of keys to keep in various places

It doesnt matter if he has cancer he has been abusing you and you can leave

Is there life insurance?
Get all financial details and see a solicitor what would you get in divorce

You don't have to tell everyone that he is EA? Why do you think you have to give everyone an explanation for your relationship breakdown? I think you'll find that people care less than you think they do. Your true friends will just be supportive. Nobody else matters.

Just leave the arsehole. You deserve better than this.
I would tell people exactly what he is like and I’d also film/record him so you can prove it.

You might want to start small by confiding in one or two people about his recent drinking and nastiness. You can expand on the bigger picture in time.

Your advice and support on here is giving me further push to get back to the solicitors.

He’s in his games room with music on full blast. I just can’t bear to be around him.

I only have a small circle of friends, some of whom I don’t think will be as supportive as they should be.

I feel incredibly ashamed that I’ve got myself into this abusive mess and I can’t confide but know I have to. It just feels scary to reveal. Plus if he does have cancer, I will get pressure from family and friends no
doubt asking why I wasn’t there.

If some of your friends wouldn't be supportive, then they're not actually friends, they're acquaintances or frenemies.

Inevitably making a big change like leaving your husband may mean changes in your social circle as well - it doesn't mean those changes are bad.

And if your family are so judgmental and unsupportive, perhaps that's why you ended up with a man like this.

But you didn't get yourself into an abusive mess - he did.

If you have a camera then they tell you what they see on the day and you get a report but until you get biopsy results you won’t know exactly what it is

@Selfishapparently you have to go. dont worry about the couldof, shouldof and wouldof of it all. really dont. The mans an arse and all you are doing is beating yourself up about it. just dont. draw a line, today is the day you stop being his punching bag.

Do you have your keys now? Make sure you keep them with you or somewhere safe

Noone ever will, but a good counsellor will help you find the strength to cope with that.

On a practical level I suggest getting some spare keys cut and hiding them in safe places/leave with a safe friend or relative.

You don't owe him anything. You mustn't feel obligated to stay even if the cancer diagnosis is true. I left my horrific abusive ex at a similar point and am totally at peace that I did so. Yes, some people judged me, but they didn't know the full story. You only have one life and you deserve to live it free from abuse, you aren't responsible for him and you don't need to justify your decision to anyone but yourself.

So gratefull for your replies, it’s really helped me get this all off my chest.

My ex bad mouthed me to lots of people. My life is still 10000000 times more lovely than it was while i was with him

Get legal advice and arrange your affairs first. Then you need to unburden yourself about your husband's treatment of you. It's time to stop protecting him because of what people may think. Anyone who doesn't believe you isn't worth continuing a relationship with.

OP, none of these people are living your life. Your situation does not affect them. Remember that. You do not have to explain yourself to anyone.
Save yourself and get out while you can, cancer or not.