DH is EA but he might now have cancer

[Selfishapparently]

Basically this, our marriage is hanging by a thread as I’ve realised I’ve been constantly gaslighted and controlled for years. No one else seems to see it as I’m the seemingly reactive one.

He’s been signed off from work over the last four months with stress and in this time has started drinking and being more and more awful to me, refusing to help around the house. Mind games are increasingly getting worse. It’s so suffocating.

He went today for routine check up due to family history of cancer. They have now discovered a tumour that needs a biopsy.

He’s in bits understandably and I’ve tried to be supportive but he says he wants to be left alone. He’s gone out but either due to shock or again his usual unreasonable behaviour, has taken both car/house keys so I can’t go out myself. I just feel trapped with his news, my mixed feelings and physically being stuck. He said he’d be back when he has had time to process this news.

I also feel incredibly guilty. I should have more sympathy but his behaviour has absolutely drained me, it’s hard to for me to process what to do next.

I just wanted to express on here how I’m feeling as I feel trapped and low.

Do what you can to get out of the house and let that anger/frustration out in some way. You need to do whatever you can to keep yourself as well as you can while you're going through this.

" I don’t like who I’ve become. I appreciate your encouragement everyone."

It might have happened over time OP but it is not permanent. You will get back to yourself once you're away. Glad you've now told your sister and have some in-person support in her.

@Selfishapparently just checking in to see how you're doing today. X

Learn to care 100 percent less what anyone thinks of you. And leave now before he drags you down.

Hi everyone I got out to the shops today and treated myself. He is so self involved and has just been moody when I’ve been near so I kept out of his way. At teatime, he was being nice and jokey with the DC. I got either blank glares or then loving smiles with puppy eyes. It’s so odd. My sister thinks his drinking might be the issue too. I’ll be glad to return to work tomorrow.

Im finding it helpful talking on here, thank you.

Keep a diary of his behaviour
to you and kids- may be useful later on

OP please leave. I can tell you from experience that the moment you walk into your new place without him the feeling of relief will stay with you for life.

@Poppyblush 's idea of keeping a diary is a good idea.

Their behaviour is designed to confuse the victim, it can often only be noticed by them, to others they appear quite normal. He's all smiley with the children so you're relieved and think things will be okay for a while but you then get 'the look', so you know. That's why we're constantly on edge, walking on eggshells. That's why our heads are filled with them 24/7. They want our thoughts to be on them, wondering what we can do to make them happy, so that we're not thinking about what we can do to make us happy ...

@Selfishapparently How are you doing?
I'm in a very similar situation. DP has been told today that he needs cancer treatment. Our relationship has been on the rocks for ages, there are regular bouts of EA and i want to separate. But we have teen DC and he has no-one else.
Feel like I'm dammed if I leave and dammed if I stay. What did you decide?

What stage? Cos if it’s stage 4 I’d hang around for the insurance.

@FormerlyPathologicallyHappy Not stage 4. Should be treatable but might have long-term effects from that. There's no insurance anyway. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I instigate a split now he'll be angry, bitter and probably turn DC against me. Think I've just answered my own question.

Bugger.

Imagine large doses of morphine.. That's what that twat needs imo. I Ieft dh the day his dgf died.. No regrets.. Him being ill won't change him for the better...

I’m still with him I’m afraid. It feels hard to leave. My sister won’t talk to me. He is having alcohol counselling and I honestly don’t know what’s happening with the scan, etc as he only selectively tells me information in his life.

@FitInABit his news must make it harder to leave, I feel the same as you and yes my H would turn the kids away from me too

I’m so sorry to read this. He is not a good man. I would have hit the roof if mine deliberately took my car and house keys so I couldn’t go out.

I hope you get the support you need to break free of this controlling man.

I’m still living in the house with him I meant @Maray1967 but not in the marital sense. Too expensive to move out so I’m taking slow steps in my plans to leave. My sister thinks it’s easy to up and go but it’s not when you have DC.

I’m finding ways to be civil and grey rock, he doesn’t like this at all. I think that’s why he doesn’t disclose anymore about his scans. He could be lying but I see letters arrive so something is happening.

Come on, if he was diagnosed with cancer in August you would know about it by now.

I think the diagnosis showed no cancer but he prefers to keep you on edge. He's a really horrible guy and you need to do what you can to get out. How old are your children?

If he was having cancer treatment you’d know because their is pre chemo blood tests, post chemo you have to drink large volumes of water to prevent kidney damage, post chemo anti nausea and anti emetics, iron supplements for the anaemia it causes, you have to watch out for signs of infection like a hawk.

Cancer treatments intensive. If he’s not coming through the door with a carrier bag of drugs he hasn’t got it. You don’t spend 3 hrs on a cisplatin pump then carry on as normal.

@Selfishapparently Thank you for replying and I'm sorry that you're still stuck. I'm also only getting selective information. Lack of communication has always been a problem. I think I'm stuck. For now.

If they suspected cancer and took a biopsy back in August, he must have had the results by now. Even the tests which take a long time to run are usually complete in about 3 weeks.

That with his vagueness about primary site means he must be lying (I could just about understand if he had said one site plus liver as that might mean they suspected spread, and liver is quite a common place for a cancer to go; but there were two other places)

What do you think has been holding you back from acting?

I know it can take a while to plan your future life properly, but you sound completely stuck.

Whether he has cancer or not you should leave sooner rather than later. It will only get more awkward.

Although it feels very difficult and you are concerned for your DC, it's better they don't live under his cloud.
He sounds awful and you deserve a different life. Take small steps towards it: if you can't, take a fucking massive one out of there. Many women do it, 99% don't ever regret it.

Someone on gransnet was in a very unhappy marriage for many years and was intending to split but never got around to it, too many complications/excuses/guilt etc. Husband then had a major stroke and for decades she's been resentfully caring for him in her older age.

I understand what you mean. I hope you can make plans and go when it’s the right time for you. Can you find a safe place to put things such as your keys and purse which he can’t quickly discover so he can’t lock you in? Or have you warned him never to do that again?