Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you describe this way of speaking?

136 replies

Marie2023 · 23/08/2023 22:01

Just had a convo with DH that went like this:

Me: Do you have any plans for this weekend?
DH: Don’t know.
Me: It’s just that if I go to this conference, I won’t be able to take DD with me.
DH: Well of course I’m not going to leave her alone, am I? I mean, come on! Why do you even have to ask?

And on and on he went… when I interjected with “I just wanted to know if you had any plans” he accused me of going on and on. I hadn’t.

He goes through periods when he’s like this. He never says a simple yes or no. Any simple question is met with “well how do you THINK I’m getting there?”, or “well I’m hardly gonna… AM I?”

I don’t know if it’s sarcasm or what it is. But it does my head in. And when I try to interrupt him, I’m the unreasonable one causing an argument.

Is there a name for this way of speaking? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Haggisfish3 · 23/08/2023 22:03

I don’t know but I think what he might have been getting at was that your question was less ‘what are your plans’ and more ‘can you look after dd while I go this confeeence?’ And that would irritate me tbh.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 23/08/2023 22:03

Aggressive/Confrontational

Hotfeetcoldfeet · 23/08/2023 22:05

Hostile and antagonistic basically.

napody · 23/08/2023 22:05

Haggisfish3 · 23/08/2023 22:03

I don’t know but I think what he might have been getting at was that your question was less ‘what are your plans’ and more ‘can you look after dd while I go this confeeence?’ And that would irritate me tbh.

This. Say what you mean.

Sux2buthen · 23/08/2023 22:05

Sounds like he feels he's being asked a question you both already know the answer to and that it's not even the real question you want to ask.
And a bit like he's being checked up on regarding his responsibilities. But that's just based on this one instance

RandomMess · 23/08/2023 22:07

I would get irritated by the way you asked. Why could you not ask "Can you have DC on x day(s) so I can attend a conference or have you already made plans?"

woollymammal · 23/08/2023 22:08

Be less passive. ‘Im just reminding you that I’m attending a conference this weekend. Can we discuss childcare arrangements for DD please?”

category12 · 23/08/2023 22:08

I think I agree with Haggisfish3 - you were going about it in an oddly roundabout way.

If you're going away for work, obviously it's him looking after your dc - so why the hesitancy? Has he form for being awkward about looking after his own dc?

BounceyB · 23/08/2023 22:09

Your way of speaking is reasonable except for the assumption that you'd have to take DD with you and he wouldn't be able to do if.

Why wouldn't you just say, "do you mind taking DD? " In saying this his response is also odd.

coodawoodashooda · 23/08/2023 22:09

I'd say that you are in training for accepting the life of a dog.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 23/08/2023 22:09

I couldn't be with someone who spoke to me like that. My only response would be "who the f*ck do you think you're talking to"? That should hopefully shut him up pretty quickly!

mrploppypenguin · 23/08/2023 22:11

Haggisfish3 · 23/08/2023 22:03

I don’t know but I think what he might have been getting at was that your question was less ‘what are your plans’ and more ‘can you look after dd while I go this confeeence?’ And that would irritate me tbh.

This.
Did he already know you were going to a conference so he would be looking after your DD? If so then your question was PA and annoying.

Original poster
Marie2023 · 23/08/2023 22:16

I have taken her to things like this before. It wouldn’t be obvious that I couldn’t take her to this one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie2023 · 23/08/2023 22:24

Most weekends he’s working on the car and sometimes like to visit his parents, so I didn’t want to assume.

OP posts:
TheBeesKnee · 23/08/2023 22:27

Marie2023 · 23/08/2023 22:24

Most weekends he’s working on the car and sometimes like to visit his parents, so I didn’t want to assume.

Neither activity suggests that he can't look after his child?

But to answer your question, he answers like he had an attitude or like a teenager. Do you feel like you're mothering both your child and husband, or do you feel like he's an equal partner?

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 23/08/2023 22:31

It feels antagonistic both ways I think.
How old is DD? Would her presence stop him working on car? Surely he'd take her to his parents?
I don't know...maybe communication is an issue.
I'd literally be saying "don't forget I'm working this weekend so you've got the kids."

Floppyfrog · 23/08/2023 22:31

Marie2023 · 23/08/2023 22:24

Most weekends he’s working on the car and sometimes like to visit his parents, so I didn’t want to assume.

I feel you added this as mumsnet bait to get us all to say he's not stepping up and doing too many hobbies: "when do YOU get a break to fix a car" etc. But I still think you just need to be clearer with your communication and then he won't be so snidey.

category12 · 23/08/2023 22:31

Do you find you're dancing around him a lot and nervous about affecting his oh-so important car-tinkering activities? Is he like Lord Big Balls or something?

RandomMess · 23/08/2023 22:33

Well of course one shouldn't assume but why does that mean you can't ask directly to look after her even if it would mean him potentially changing his plans?

Original poster
Marie2023 · 23/08/2023 22:34

@TheBeesKnee he’s very much the dominant one on the relationship. But I’m the organiser. He never writes anything down, never reads his emails, never looks at the family calendar… I have to constantly remind him about things.

The conference is very expensive. I’ve been saving for it for ages. I would hate to not be able to go because he had planned something and not told me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie2023 · 23/08/2023 22:37

@category12 yes, everything seems to revolve around the car. I am worried that he will spend all weekend on the car and DD will consequently spend all weekend on her iPad.

Fuck it, I’m not going, am I? One measly weekend. I never have anything for myself.

OP posts:
Ohwhatadag · 23/08/2023 22:38

I've got a boss (and dh occassionally) like this. I think it as "How dare you implicitly assume i may be crap? I'll go on at you/interupt you until i make sure you know i am superior". It short: you've stepped on his toes and he is annoyed.

Although i may be transfering after having to put up with shit boss for this week (2 days and counting until the weekend).

Floppyfrog · 23/08/2023 22:39

Does he use a calendar for his work? DH and I just invite eachother to 'meetings' on our work emails to remind eachother of school/home events. Just click the padlock symbol to ensure they're private.

Original poster
Marie2023 · 23/08/2023 22:41

@Floppyfrog thats a good idea.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 23/08/2023 22:42

He was arsey, you were wishy washy. I have a conference this weekend, I'm leaving at 7am- obviously he has the kid(s) and it's up to him to find an alternative if he has plans. Are you busy this weekend, you'll need to have the kids- well obviously he will. His response of what did you think I'd do with them, juts abandon them was dickish

Swipe left for the next trending thread