How would you describe this way of speaking?

[Marie2023]

Just had a convo with DH that went like this:

Me: Do you have any plans for this weekend?
DH: Don’t know.
Me: It’s just that if I go to this conference, I won’t be able to take DD with me.
DH: Well of course I’m not going to leave her alone, am I? I mean, come on! Why do you even have to ask?

And on and on he went… when I interjected with “I just wanted to know if you had any plans” he accused me of going on and on. I hadn’t.

He goes through periods when he’s like this. He never says a simple yes or no. Any simple question is met with “well how do you THINK I’m getting there?”, or “well I’m hardly gonna… AM I?”

I don’t know if it’s sarcasm or what it is. But it does my head in. And when I try to interrupt him, I’m the unreasonable one causing an argument.

Is there a name for this way of speaking? Thanks for reading.

Your first question should have been "What are your plans with DD this weekend?".

No clue why you aren't going. He said he'd look after her.

The way you opened the conversation sounded like a trick, I'd get annoyed too.

You ask if he had plans, but if he is well aware he has DD his answer could still be "Don't know" As perhaps he hasn't made plans on what he is doing with her, and then it sounds like you're checking up on what he is doing with her which is annoying. You then mention the conference as though he doesn't know (even though you don't know he forgot) which is again insulting and annoying. Now you're suddenly not going as you've assumed she'll be on the ipad all weekend, which is hasn't said and you don't know! (And also wouldn't kill her).

So he gets grief for things he didn't say, or crimes he hasn't committed yet.

Followed by a PA text just to really stoke the disagreement.

I honestly think, if this is your usual communication style, he is done in by it!

Just act like an adult, assume he will also act like an adult, and the whole merry dance can be avoided.

OK, I’ll leave it now. I asked him if he had any plans so that I could work around them. I didn’t think I deserved to be screamed at for 5 minutes but clearly most people on this thread think I did deserve it. Fine. I am leaving the thread now. And no, I won’t be going to the conference. Not because I am a ‘martyr’ but because he manages to suck the joy out of every bloody thing which is exactly what he’s done with the conference that I was so looking forward to. He’s ruined it like he ruins everything. I’m not allowed a single bloody thing for myself.

He's answering like that because he is irritated - this could be either because you never get to the point or it could be that he's very easily irritated. We can't know which came first - whether you are pussyfooting around things because of his reactions or if he's speaking like this because he feels exhausted by you. The whole conversation is dysfunctional and reads like a tentative employee asking to leave work early rather than people married with DC.

Unfortunately this post looks like you might ask things in a way that sets people up to fail:

"Fuck it, I’m not going, am I? One measly weekend. I never have anything for myself."

Not one person had said you couldn't go, particularly your DH in the OP. Of course you are going, don't self sabotage and look around for something to blame it on (the slim possibility of a child having too much iPad one weekend).

Have a nice time at the conference and let this one lie with DH now.

I’m not allowed a single bloody thing for myself.

Oh, for god's sake, @Marie2023! Nobody has disallowed you the conference.

DH knows he's looking after DD. He already knew he was looking after DD. There is nothing to stop you going.

You say he's sucking the joy out of it: how so?

You told him: It’s just that if I go to this conference, I won’t be able to take DD with me. For what reason did you say "if I go"? It was already the plan, was it not?

Please explain if you can.

Sorry, cross posted - of course you don't deserve to be screamed at for five minutes, nobody does. You also haven't mentioned how he sucked the joy out of it, so we couldn't know he was also doing that, what was he saying?

It does sound like you are not making each other happy though, do you want to be together?

Please go to the conference, there's nothing to be gained by staying home, no good outcome at all.

I asked him if he had any plans so that I could work around them.
Why? Why do you feel it is necessary to work round him? How about he works round you for a change. Or you get a third party to look after DD.
Stop being a martyr, the only person it hurts is you.

If I'm being honest, it sounds like you've ruined this for yourself.

How has he sucked the joy out of it? When did he scream at you?

A different perspective-

I thought initially that he was irritated because you were shepherding him about re the weekend, rather than assuming he was a perfectly competent parent just like you.

The new information though- it sounds more as though no matter how you raised it, he would get angry and punish you.

'Have you got plans, because I can't take DD?' -Are you accusing me of being useless?!

Say nothing because you've already told him multiple times- what?! No, I'm doing x, y ,z you can't just abandon your daughter, you're a useless mother!

Whatever way you approached it he was going to punish you for doing something outside the house, and spoil your fun.

You're trapped in a toxic cycle and your communication skills are breaking down because you are walking on eggshells the whole time, trying to avoid him kicking off.

I have t read all the pp com ends but I read all the OP comments. You sound really upset in your relationship. I think you asked the original question being timid not PA because he is an aggressive bully and you are worn down and a bit depressed by the ugliness he brings to your life.

you sound like you’re venting on here because you feel more injustice from some posters same as you do from his behaviour. You sound like a people pleaser who wants love, beauty and smooth communication on their life and he sounds like a cold domineering selfish person. No wonder you’re defensive when you ask for stuff.
Do you feel emotional abused by him?

mid any of this resonates then sending hugs.

i wonder if in the short term a fixed routine would take some pressure of you planning given he is so organisationally useless which by the way I think is provocative.
Longer term, there are no easy choices.

Sorry to hear you're so ground down by it all OP. I hope you haven't left the thread. I think it sounds like he has trained you not to ask for things you want. As other have said, the only way out is for you to get some support for yourself and be more assertive, as he won't change otherwise.

At risk of massive classic mumsnet derail - why have you been "saving for ages" for a conference? If it's part of business development, even if you run your own small business or freelance, it should be in the business plan and covered by loans or client fees and built into the investment for the business. It should NOT be coming out of your taxed income which is what it sounds like.

If you're changing career and are going as a separate individual, are you sure it's the best investment? Will it really work to give you networking and job or BD opportunities?

I have a slight suspicion that it might be a sort of MLM or personal/therapy development type conference... and I'm a bit worried for you! I'm likely wrong, but something about the way you say you've saved up and you want "something for yourself"...

I asked him if he had any plans so that I could work around them

at no point in the conversation you posted, did you state this! so how was he supposed to know?

also

I didn’t think I deserved to be screamed at for 5 minutes

you never said this is what happened.

then...

but clearly most people on this thread think I did deserve it
No, no one thinks this.

you clearly don't manage to communicate very well, then fly off the handle when people have pointed it out.

I am not justifying his behaviour at all, but you are not open to any kind of advice at all.

and yes your reasons for not going to the conference is the very definition of martyrdom.

The way you asked the question was annoying. The way he responded was rude and aggressive.

This makes it even weirder that your openig question was "What are you doing this weekend?" rather than (for example) "What are you planning for you and DD this weekend while I'm at the conference?" or "Just to remind you, I'm at that conference this weekend so DD will be with you"

His communication style is sarcastic and hostile, yours is passive and martyrish - each seems to feed off the other in a vicious cycle. Even on this thread, some of your posts have been passive aggressive and martyrish.

Martyrdom never gets you anywhere, so it's definitely something to address. Assertive, direct communication would stand you in good stead in future.

but clearly most people on this thread think I did deserve it

^ when I said that even on this thread you've been passive aggressive? This is an example.

His sarcasm and hostility is not OK. And nor is his parent's behaviour. But you can't control them (although you could leave him). What you can control is your own communication style.

But you shouldn't BE working around him. You should have felt able to clearly communicate "I would like to spend X weekend at Y conference, so DD will be with you" and agreed it in advance. This is not how a healthy relationship works.

You've never mentioned that he "screamed at you for five minutes" on this thread until now. Obviously you don't deserve that, noone does.

Tbh I think if you've reached the point where you irritate each other this much and can't communicate effectively, your marriage is already over.

This is a good point re: MLM - I really hope you're not spending good money on one of those schemes?

This makes you sound like a total martyr to be honest with this attitude. It's really up to him what he does with Dd and if she's safe and fed but does a bit more screen time than normal address it afterwards.

Your tone would really annoy me it's the way my MIL speaks and it really gets on our nerves.

Everything is pleading and passive and designed to make her look like the martyr.

Mil "would you like to take out the rubbish"

Dh "well no lol no one LIKES to take out the rubbish but I'll happily do that for you while I'm here"! (Said in happy pleasant tone while getting to his feet)

Mil: "no one ever wants to help me, I was ONLY asking sniff"

It's infuriating and would make me snappy too I'm afraid

Go to the conference. He sounds like an idiot, but he didn’t refuse to look after his child, so nothing to stop you going. If he spends all weekend on the car, and she spends it all on her ipad, it’s one weekend so does it matter?

In my experience people tend to ask questions in the way that OP did because they're treading on eggshells for some reason and his response supports that.

Is this the conference you were so looking forward to and, at the same time, not giving a toss about??

In your OP you didn't say he was screaming and ranting at you.

Totally unacceptable and called for.

It's absolutely clear he is controlling and nasty. Deliberate behaviour from him so you didn't go.

It's also clear that you daren't ask him to parent his own child nor dare you ask for time to do anything for yourself because he's nasty,

Please don't have more DC and please consider leaving.

OP I hope you're OK. Its so clear from your post that you're scared to ask this man a question because of his potential reaction. If you need further support please so start another thread about his general behaviour towards you. MN is really good at unpicking stuff like this.

This sounds like a horrible way to live and a horrible atmosphere for your child to grow up in. It doesn't sound like you like each other from what you say . I would make steps to end it or arrange some counselling.

This is a massive, massive, overreaction. He’s said he can look after DD. What’s your problem? What are you going to do? Sit at home in a massive huff having gone full martyr? Just go to the conference. You’ve saved for ages for it so it clearly important to you. It’s 2 days - just pack a toothbrush and a couple of pairs of clean pants and go. You could if you really wanted to - and when you get back book some couples counselling so the pair of you can sort out your dysfunctional communication style.