How would you describe this way of speaking?

[Marie2023]

Just had a convo with DH that went like this:

Me: Do you have any plans for this weekend?
DH: Don’t know.
Me: It’s just that if I go to this conference, I won’t be able to take DD with me.
DH: Well of course I’m not going to leave her alone, am I? I mean, come on! Why do you even have to ask?

And on and on he went… when I interjected with “I just wanted to know if you had any plans” he accused me of going on and on. I hadn’t.

He goes through periods when he’s like this. He never says a simple yes or no. Any simple question is met with “well how do you THINK I’m getting there?”, or “well I’m hardly gonna… AM I?”

I don’t know if it’s sarcasm or what it is. But it does my head in. And when I try to interrupt him, I’m the unreasonable one causing an argument.

Is there a name for this way of speaking? Thanks for reading.

Sounds like both he and his parents have permanently got raised hackles so totally understand why you questioned him the way you did if that's what you have to work around on a daily basis. Must be exhausting @Marie2023

@Marie2023 - discussing it and stating you will be attending are two very different things. You are now choosing not to go, despite him saying he will of course look after your (joint) child. So his style is shit, overbearing, and arsey, yours is martyr- sorry but that sounds bloody awful. You choosing not to attend to make a point just impacts you. His parents don't come to things because they won't communicate with you- again not your problem. Stop letting it be.

@Coralie1 it is 😞. When he’s in this mood, every question is met with the same kind of reaponse. Never get a straight answer. Just incredulous looks and sarcasm, or whatever the fuck this is.

He’s not speaking to you now? All the more reason to go, OP.
Don’t allow him to control what you do with his responses and bombastic attitude. I’m being cynical, but might he have engineered the whole situation?

I have just had a conversation with DP about him speaking to me in a disparaging way. Yours sounds a bit like this too.

However, he has said nothing that should make you cancel. Maybe you need to be a bit more assertive when dealing with him. Giving in when he speaks to you like you are a Moran and cancelling will just invite more shitty behaviour.

I'm in the "say what you mean" camp. He can't read your mind.

Why on earth are you planning on not going? He said he will look after her. If it’s an important conference for you, leave him with her. She will be fine. If there’s too much iPad she will survive. You aren’t going for weeks and weeks at a time. Don’t allow him sulking and being in a hissy fit to dictate what you need to do. Otherwise that’s what he’s going to do every time you try to do something for yourself.

Don't cancel, you'll just encourage him to be stroppy again next time. You were a bit passive and he was hostile and confrontational. You need to be a bit more assertive and don't be intimidated by him.

I think you should go.

Don’t be a martyr and stop trying to be the peacemaker. He’s unreasonable and it doesn’t matter what you do or how perfect you are he won’t even notice.

Unreasonable people don’t and can’t play fair or see it from any angle except their own, my ex of 20 years was the same.

If he’s sulking you don’t have to change your plans, just don’t get so emotional if he is in a bad mood don’t let him hold you back and live your life.

Why aren’t you going? No point in flouncing.
He said he’d mind her. Maybe not doing anything great but one weekend of boredom won’t matter. If you don’t think he’s up to the job or she’s in actual danger then cut the conference to a day and send her for a sleep over at a friends or something.

This.

Exactly this.

My DH just can't seem to ask the question he wants me to answer. He just has to ask a different question and hope that I can make the connection.

Infuriating.

Would love to know why you do it because my DH cannot seem to explain why he does if.

Wow that's a massive leap to say you're not going, also very much playing the victim by saying 'one measly weekend'

You've told him you're going and said you can't take dc, he didn't say he was busy, it's now up to him to sort the dc.

Maybe next time say 'there's a conference on x day, are you ok to take care of dc that weekend as I can't take her with me?' If he responds as he did, respond back with 'I'll presume that's a yes then' and go to the conference.

Why can't you drive, get a bus/train to the conference

Um what?

You are going to the conference young lady!

You tell him:

“I am going to the conference on Saturday. You will be watching and spending time with DD. I will be gone from x am to x pm. I will remind you one final time on Friday night.”

Seriously - advocate for yourself and also model some assertiveness to your DD while you’re at it. Who gives a shit if he’s not speaking to you (petulant teen?)? You don’t need him to talk to you, you’re going to the conference!

OK?!

Don't be ridiculous. Of course you go. If you don't then you are letting him win.

Go to your conference and don't let him walk all over you.

Go to the conference.
The entire point of being difficult was to get you to not go.

Not going makes him happy and gets his way and you don't get to do something you planned and really want to do.

Don't be such a wet Nelly, OP. Is it really the end of the world if DD spends all weekend on her iPad/amusing herself? Presumably he'll feed her and keep her safe? There are no prizes for martyring yourself!

It’s not about the conference. It’s about the way he speaks to me.

Yes, and it's also about the way you both conduct this relationship, @Marie2023. Your opener was passive-aggressive. His response was passive-aggressive. He raised the stakes with a shot at martyrdom, your response is even more martyrdom. It's almost nightmarish!

You could really benefit from assertiveness training. So could he, but this is your thread not his. One of things you'll learn is to recognise when you're in a 'game' - a ritualised power battle - and that the only way to change the script is to stop playing.

I can well believe DH has 'trained' you to communicate in this incredibly dysfunctional way. From the clues you've given about his parents, they trained him and he probably doesn't even realise how defective all this is.

By going along with it, you're creating a world of problems for yourself and for DD growing up.

Go to the conference! Oh, and say so, clearly & simply.
Enjoy your weekend.

@Marie2023 - in case it helps to spell it out:

1. Nobody will erect a gilded statue of you for discarding your own opportunities.
2. There's nothing to be gained by abandoning the conference. Nothing. You don't even 'win' this game.
3. If DH's objective was to stop you going, he wins by your pointless sacrifice. You lose.
4. If it wasn't his objective, and h's simply locked into this crazy battlefield of indirect messaging, you lose - and so does he, because you'll be resentful.
5. As long as DD gets fed and goes to sleep, she'll be fine.

I don’t understand. I thought I was being respectful asking if he had plans for the weekend. I didn’t realise I was being passive-aggressive.

I didn't see you as being passive aggressive at all. You just asked him a simple question.

Does he ask you for permission to do things or make sure you're available to watch the kids id he wants to go somewhere?

Well what were you going to do if he said he had loads of plans he couldn't take DD to? It reads to me like you were trying to trick him into saying he'd forgotten about your conference so you could then have a go at him for forgetting. You surely wouldn't have passively just not mentioned and not gone to the conference?

He sounds petulant but your communication style also sounds difficult to cope with. Just say what you mean FFS. It's exhausting second-guessing why someone's asking you the seemingly random question.

@namechange55465 that’s simply not true. I have been talking about the conference for a while: Should I go? Is it a good investment? Can I put off something else I had planned for that weekend? Etc.

So what were you going to do if he said he had plans that meant he couldn't look after DD?