How would you describe this way of speaking?

[Marie2023]

Just had a convo with DH that went like this:

Me: Do you have any plans for this weekend?
DH: Don’t know.
Me: It’s just that if I go to this conference, I won’t be able to take DD with me.
DH: Well of course I’m not going to leave her alone, am I? I mean, come on! Why do you even have to ask?

And on and on he went… when I interjected with “I just wanted to know if you had any plans” he accused me of going on and on. I hadn’t.

He goes through periods when he’s like this. He never says a simple yes or no. Any simple question is met with “well how do you THINK I’m getting there?”, or “well I’m hardly gonna… AM I?”

I don’t know if it’s sarcasm or what it is. But it does my head in. And when I try to interrupt him, I’m the unreasonable one causing an argument.

Is there a name for this way of speaking? Thanks for reading.

If I were him I would definitely find your communication style highly frustrating. I honestly cannot imagine asking my husband “if he had plans for the weekend”. We generally make our plan together or, if one of us has individual plans, we just tell the other.

I understand this.

but from how she communicates on here, it tells she's not great at communicating in the first place. Her style is frustrating and playing the martyr.

he sounds awful, and the op should really look at whether this relationship needs outside help or just leaving him.

But she could still do with looking at not being so passive aggressive and being a martyr. Learn to be direct and assertive. as I can only see future interactions with people coursing miscommunication issues too.

It's called exhausting.

My Ex DP was similar and would never give a straight answer to anything. Even worse, he always used to answer a question with a question, even simple things e.g.

Me: What are you doing tomorrow?
Him: Are you going out somewhere?

Spending one weekend on her iPad is not going to kill your DC. Besides if you want your DH to step up, now is a good time for him to learn how to do that.

The only person stopping you from going to the conference is you; him wanting to tinker on his car or go to his parents means he takes your DC with him.

That's called emotional abuse. The big clue is that you're walking on eggshells all the time.

I really hope you Hinton the conference. But I imagine that in the back of your mind you'll be expecting some sort of 'punishment' for going - the stonewalling (which is a form of abuse, by the way) has already begun.

More concerning is that I wonder if part of your reluctance to go is that you're worried he will punish you by not looking after your DD properly? Your posts read like you don't really trust him to care for her.

I think people are not understanding that the reason the op framed the question as she did, is because she's walking on egg shells all the time.
And that's not her fault. It's his.

Yes, in a normal relationship, it wouldn't be phrased like that, but this isn't a normal healthy relationship. It's the ops way of pussyfooting round an arsehole.

You know, I'm usually of the mind that, by the time women post on here with some down-played report of a domestic spat, there's a problematic husband whose intransigence will emerge in subsequent posts and the solution will often be to abandon their sinking ship of a marriage.

This one's different. He doesn't sound, as reported, like a very nice man. However, if I were having daily conversations with someone like OP, I'd be having the screaming abjabs! I'd be fairly likely to resort to sarcasm myself.

She's been talking for ages about her conference plans, yet "respectfully" asks DH if he's got any plans for the same weekend. Well, obviously, he's going to have some idea that his plans involve looking after their daughter.

But she offers that IF she goes to the conference, she can't take DD. What? Is she now changing her mind about the conference? And who asked her to take the child there? Nobody did!

Ahh, she's not changing her mind - so why the cavilling? But she seems to think DH doesn't want to do parenting. In his shoes, I'd be bloody offended too.

Oh, she IS changing her mind! Why? Because DD will spend the weekend playing on her ipad. Huh? Is that really a reason to cancel this longed-for conference trip?

Ah, okay, DD will be fine. But OP still isn't going to her thing. Now why not? Because of DH, who won't "let her have anything for herself". I'm flummoxed, and I'm not even married to her ... at what point did he forbid her to go?

He didn't forbid her. As far as I can tell, he failed to say something like "Go to your conference, darling, and have a wonderful time! Don't worry about DD, I shall spend the weekend teaching her Latin irregular verbs while preparing a series of Cordon Bleu dishes. We'll both miss you terribly."

And she's not going. Because DH didn't forbid her but didn't have any special plans for the weekend. This means she can't have anything for herself.

Fuck my life

@Marie2023 PLEASE DO AN ASSERTIVENESS COURSE!

My relationship is pretty healthy, my husband goes all around the houses to ask a simple questions about plans for the weekend. I assure you he is not walking on eggshells. It is a pattern of speech I suspect he learned within his family and it is really annoying and can feel manipulative although not intended that way. As for the rest re OPs circumstances and relationship it is clearly dysfunctional and not good for anyone.

You've just accidentally but perfectly explained the mechanism of coercive control. Except you blamed the victim for being controlled, not the perpetrator for being controlling.

To an outsider it seems a no brainier that OP should just tell him to shove it and go to the conference.

OP knows that if she did this, the consequences would be severe. She isn't prevaricating. She's tying herself in knots trying to work out which course of action will provoke the least worst reaction from him.

@CardiganBardigan, I totally get what you're saying. I simply don't know if it applies in this case, because OP's response to further questions here has been to ignore them or reply with indirect hostility. I've only got her posts to go by: if such passive-aggressive communication is her usual style, it's not her husband's fault.

The pair of them have some deeply unhealthy games going on, that's for sure.

@CardiganBardigan again - "should just tell him to shove it". Shove what? He hasn't told her not to go!

He said "Why do you even have to ask?" about the weekend with DD. There doesn't seem to be any problem with OP going to her conference or DH doing the parenting.

Yet she's saying she can't go. It's mystifying.