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Original poster

How would you describe this way of speaking?

136 replies

Marie2023 · 23/08/2023 22:01

Just had a convo with DH that went like this:

Me: Do you have any plans for this weekend?
DH: Don’t know.
Me: It’s just that if I go to this conference, I won’t be able to take DD with me.
DH: Well of course I’m not going to leave her alone, am I? I mean, come on! Why do you even have to ask?

And on and on he went… when I interjected with “I just wanted to know if you had any plans” he accused me of going on and on. I hadn’t.

He goes through periods when he’s like this. He never says a simple yes or no. Any simple question is met with “well how do you THINK I’m getting there?”, or “well I’m hardly gonna… AM I?”

I don’t know if it’s sarcasm or what it is. But it does my head in. And when I try to interrupt him, I’m the unreasonable one causing an argument.

Is there a name for this way of speaking? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
category12 · 23/08/2023 22:42

Marie2023 · 23/08/2023 22:37

@category12 yes, everything seems to revolve around the car. I am worried that he will spend all weekend on the car and DD will consequently spend all weekend on her iPad.

Fuck it, I’m not going, am I? One measly weekend. I never have anything for myself.

So she spends a weekend on the iPad - as long as she's safe and fed, it's not the end of the world. It's one weekend.

Do the thing, start taking some control of your life back.

RandomMess · 23/08/2023 22:43

Is it the end of the world if she has too much screen time one weekend? Can you ask he takes her to visit his family for one of the days?

Why are you discussing it so late in the day?

SD1978 · 23/08/2023 22:45

@Marie2023 if you're not going that's your choice. You say you've been saving up to go, so this isn't a last minute decision on your part- why wait until 3 days before it's due to tell him you're going? So she sits in her iPad one weekend- so what? If you want to martyr yourself and not go, that's on you. He's said he'll watch his own kid- which is a minimum not a favour, and if you are unhappy otherwise, work out how to leave permanently.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 23/08/2023 22:47

I don't understand why you asked him if he had plans for the weekend. Why didn't you just say "don't forget I'm at the conference this weekend." The way you said it was very woolly, giving him options when you really should've been telling him not asking.

senua · 23/08/2023 22:47

The conference is very expensive. I’ve been saving for it for ages. I would hate to not be able to go because he had planned something and not told me.
Why are you only discussing it now, with just days to go?Confused I would have had it planned ages ago, as soon as the conference was booked.
And your way of asking was off kilter. You should have said, "I'm reminding you about the weekend and you looking after DD." Asking "what are your plans?" gives him the chance to say "I'm busy all weekend" ... and what would you do then!?

zurala · 23/08/2023 22:48

I think his way of speaking was reasonable given your ridiculous way of talking to him about the conference. Just say what you mean!

Original poster
Marie2023 · 23/08/2023 22:50

@SD1978 I’ve been discussing the conference for ages, but he forgets things. It is a constant problem. PIL haven’t been to a school event for years because he forgets to invite them to things even though they keep asking. And they refuse to communicate with me. I have said to them that they should talk to me if they want to come to something, but they say, “why shouldn’t we speak to our son?”. Erm, you can, but if it’s anything to do with kids or school, talk to me because DH doesn’t have a clue.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 23/08/2023 22:51

Haggisfish3 · 23/08/2023 22:03

I don’t know but I think what he might have been getting at was that your question was less ‘what are your plans’ and more ‘can you look after dd while I go this confeeence?’ And that would irritate me tbh.

This! Your conversational doesn't seem to be any better than his OP. Why couldn't you say "I want to go to this conference this weekend. Can you look after DD so I can go please?" rather than waffling around it and then criticising him for not giving you the answer you wanted to the question you didn't actually ask?!

senua · 23/08/2023 22:55

but he forgets things.
That old chestnut. Does he forget things at work, too? Or is his forgetfulness selective?

RandomMess · 23/08/2023 22:58

So you kept mentioning it and dropping hints?

That's what my teens do and it irritates the F out of me.

You inform in adages that he needs to look after DD, you remind occasionally. Then you go and leave him with the fall out of having to cancel his plans if he didn't bother to remember he is on DD duty.

CurlewKate · 23/08/2023 22:59

Why aren't you going? I don't understand.

Original poster
Marie2023 · 23/08/2023 23:00

Well, he’s not talking to me now, so I won’t be going. Thanks for all your replies. It hadn’t occurred to me that I was the bad guy. Something to ponder I guess.

Thank you.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 23/08/2023 23:00

I think he sounds completely horrible.

No idea what 'style' it is.

He's just horrible.

mrploppypenguin · 23/08/2023 23:01

I also don't understand why you aren't going?

arethereanyleftatall · 23/08/2023 23:02

Marie2023 · 23/08/2023 23:00

Well, he’s not talking to me now, so I won’t be going. Thanks for all your replies. It hadn’t occurred to me that I was the bad guy. Something to ponder I guess.

Thank you.

Why aren't you going?

category12 · 23/08/2023 23:03

Marie2023 · 23/08/2023 23:00

Well, he’s not talking to me now, so I won’t be going. Thanks for all your replies. It hadn’t occurred to me that I was the bad guy. Something to ponder I guess.

Thank you.

So he wins?

Just go. And while you're away, have a think about whether this is a good relationship for you to be in.

You're supposed to be equal partners in life, not scared to ask him for perfectly normal things, not tiptoeing around him and not him having everything his way.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 23/08/2023 23:05

Just go!

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 23/08/2023 23:05

Initially non-committal, then very quick to defensive hostility

RandomMess · 23/08/2023 23:06

You aren't the bad guy.

Your relationship dynamic and communication seems completely avoidant.

Reading between the lines he does as he likes and you are too frightened to insist on equal leisure time and him pull his weight parenting.

There is no reason for you to abandon attendingz

Walesagogo · 23/08/2023 23:06

Perhaps you should've discussed the date of the conference with him before you booked it. However to say that you're going on and on about when it appears you weren't and making out you're being unreasonable sounds like a bit like gaslighting to me. If yr dc does end up on the ipad for the weekend then its only one weekend. Make sure you go though.

Haggisfish3 · 23/08/2023 23:07

category12 · 23/08/2023 23:03

So he wins?

Just go. And while you're away, have a think about whether this is a good relationship for you to be in.

You're supposed to be equal partners in life, not scared to ask him for perfectly normal things, not tiptoeing around him and not him having everything his way.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 23/08/2023 23:10

Marie2023 · 23/08/2023 22:50

@SD1978 I’ve been discussing the conference for ages, but he forgets things. It is a constant problem. PIL haven’t been to a school event for years because he forgets to invite them to things even though they keep asking. And they refuse to communicate with me. I have said to them that they should talk to me if they want to come to something, but they say, “why shouldn’t we speak to our son?”. Erm, you can, but if it’s anything to do with kids or school, talk to me because DH doesn’t have a clue.

His parents sound like right charmers as well, I can see where he gets his shitty attitude from.

Like others, I don't understand why you're not going. What use is he if he can't look after his own daughter for a couple of days?

AgathaMiss · 23/08/2023 23:13

I wonder if you've made plans without communicating that it's a firm commitment to him? You say you've discussed this conference for ages but then ask him what his plans are for the weekend.

If you've been planning, where is it shown as a committed plan? Do you have a shared calendar? I'm a bit crap at planning and I need a visual calendar to remind me what's coming up - we have a calendar on the fridge and any firm plans go on there. I see it every time I use the fridge.

It does seem bit like you're being a bit martyrish in suddenly switching to 'I'm not going now'. If you leave DC with him for the weekend and he decides to stick them in front of the ipad - well that's how he parents. You have to let him parent his way. If you can't stand it, then you're not compatible and your options are to not let him parent alone, or separate (and you'll have to let him parent alone then).

BackAgainstWall · 23/08/2023 23:17

I don’t think there’s anything wrong at all with the way you phrased the question.

On the other-hand your DH’s communication was quite defensive and aggressive.

So I would deduce from his ridiculous over-reaction that he would prefer not to look after your DD.

thecatinthetwat · 23/08/2023 23:18

Your question was passive aggressive op. He may have trained you to be less direct because he gets arsey. I’m not saying his response is ok because it’s not, but your question felt like a trick. I would just say to DH (and vice versa) “remember I’ve got my conference this weekend”