How would you describe this way of speaking?

[Marie2023]

Just had a convo with DH that went like this:

Me: Do you have any plans for this weekend?
DH: Don’t know.
Me: It’s just that if I go to this conference, I won’t be able to take DD with me.
DH: Well of course I’m not going to leave her alone, am I? I mean, come on! Why do you even have to ask?

And on and on he went… when I interjected with “I just wanted to know if you had any plans” he accused me of going on and on. I hadn’t.

He goes through periods when he’s like this. He never says a simple yes or no. Any simple question is met with “well how do you THINK I’m getting there?”, or “well I’m hardly gonna… AM I?”

I don’t know if it’s sarcasm or what it is. But it does my head in. And when I try to interrupt him, I’m the unreasonable one causing an argument.

Is there a name for this way of speaking? Thanks for reading.

@namechange55465 I would work around it. There are loads of different sessions and I don’t need (or want) to go to all of them. So for instance if he planned to go for an early morning coffee with the car club, I would join the conference after the keynote.

If you have been saving for ages for this conference then why does he not already know that is looking after the kids?

Surely you mentioned it's him at the point you started saving for it? I would have said very early on that i was working and he was parenting, otherwise why save il when him mending the car would be considered more important than what you are planning.

If you've not made it clear in advance then it really is a problem with your communications skills.

He shouldn't have planned anything else knowing full well you would go to the conference.

If you cant take your daughter to this one then you should also have made that very clear when you started saving up.

Of course he shouldn't get snaekh with you but if it's an ongoing thing then I can see why he may be irritated.

Also a bugbear of mine, sorry, he's not "looking after" your daughter he's parenting, just like you would be parenging.

Why would you think some random plans he's made to go for coffee are more important when he's been TOLD you're going to an expensive, important conference and he needs to have DC?

If he's planned something and not told you, he cancels or finds childcare, and hopefully learns for next time that he needs to pay attention.

He sounds pathetic but you are enabling him to be.

Of course you are going! If she spends all weekend on the iPad, it's one weekend in her life! She'll be ok so don't exaggerate and just go to your conference

I wouldn't say passive aggressive, but I think a bit passive.

You didn't say what you meant really.

You asked him if he had plans but you weren't really interested in him and his plans - you wanted to know about childcare arrangements.

However, I think the way he's talking/ responding to you is very childish and sarcastic.

Stop being so passive and prioritise yourself for once. His plans are irrelevant providing DD is safe. You've mentioned the conference, you've agreed that he'll look after DD and so you are going.

Why would a new plan of his be more important than your conference? You are acting like a door mat. Sorry

Argh. I typed a carefully thought out post, which I hoped would be both illustrative and entertaining. Then absent-mindedly refreshed the page and lost it.

On reflection, I'm not going to bother trying to reconstruct it because it seems you're too deeply embedded in the utterly pointless battle of wills you & DH have got going on. You can't 'hear' most of what people are trying to say to you.

Nobody's going to erect a gilded statue of you for discarding your own opportunities.

As long as DD gets fed and goes to sleep, she'll be fine. Pack her some games/books/crafts.

Please do an assertiveness course!

Yep.
This.

Its one weekend just go and let your DH work it out.
I thought the criticism of the way you asked uncalled for but this refusal to just taķe a clear position is infuriating. Just say it and do it.

I just sent him this text:

I still don’t understand what made you react like that. I asked if you had plans as I was trying to work out what sessions to go to. I don’t understand what I did that was wrong.

Let’s see what he says.

Maybe this is what he means by talking endlessly about it? To be honest this would drive me mad and I'd snap. Go/don't go.

My dh goes out a lot and that's fine but I want him to sort it out and I sort dd. I'd struggle if he judged what I did with her while he was off having fun, even if it was screen heavy.

I just want him to go off do his thing and I'll hear a few highlights when home (preferably not huge detail. He's a runner and I have no interest in reliving each split).

Stop asking him what you did wrong. It doesn’t matter. The next text you send should be “I’ll be leaving at 8 on Saturday and I’ll be home by 7. No need to make me dinner this time.”

with an optional “X”.

@DarkForces i am not talking endlessly about it.

People are missing the point of my post. It’s not about the conference. I couldn’t give a toss about the conference. It’s the way he speaks to me that’s the problem. But I can’t articulate what it is and how it makes me feel.

He speaks to you like you are irritating him. Either because you skirt round what you actually want to say, or because he’s irritated that you asked him for a favour. The conference is an excellent opportunity for you to practice a different approach, where you actually say directly what you want and don’t give up on what you want just because he behaves like a dick.

Sorry for sounding impatient myself - I’ve seen this dynamic played out for decades between my own parents. I wish my mother had just stood up for herself instead of martyring her own happiness to placate my selfish father.

Maybe give a couple more examples of the way he talks to you to help us figure it out better?

What are his good points?
In what way does he enhance your life?

If the answer to both is none............. well, you know what to do?

This is very dysfunctional communication all round. It gets worse with each bit of information. I really don’t understand why your husband’s coffee with a hobby club trumps you attending the keynote of an expensive, much planned for and important conference!

Yesterday: The conference is very expensive. I’ve been saving for it for ages. I would hate to not be able to go because he had planned something and not told me.
Today: I couldn’t give a toss about the conference.

I'm starting to feel sorry for your DH. Why are you so wishy-washy.? One thing one day, another thing the next day. Can't ask a straight question or make an assertive statement.
This conference is either important and worth all that money or not: which one is it?

Just be clear about your plans and don't question if he is going to step up or not. Assume he is and do your thing. Communication can be tricky ,both ways. My husband goes around the houses about things. He thinks he is being polite. I find it irritating and a bit manipulative . Perhaps if he was more direct I'd find that annoying too.

oh god, stop!

Why are you asking this shit?
Look you keep saying it's not about the conference and about how how speaks to you. Believe me we know this!

But right now you have 2 issues going on. So first just go to the bloody conference. All.of.it you don't need his involvement in this, you don't need to work around him. Just go!

Then we can help advice you on 'his attitude towards you' .

it was you derailed your own thread by suddenly announcing you were not going, for reasons no one here understands, apart from you playing martyr/victim roll.

Also he can also make decisions about how he parents. If your child is on the tablet more than you like while on his watch ,that's up to him. Your way is not always the best way or the only way (Obviously his decisions need to be safe )

OMG!

This is so irritating to read! My ex was like you! So bloody wish washy! Just say what you mean! 'Remember I'm at the conference this weekend so you've got DD'. No wonder he got irritated! And then followed up with 'well I won't go then' for no reason other than to be a martyr Mum.

The plans he seems to make don't preclude him from looking after his DD anyway and so bloody what if she spends a lot of time on her iPad as long as she's safe. You have plans he looks after his daughter. What is so difficult about that?

How old is your child, I can't see this.

This!!!

@Marie2023 , lovely, this is how it should work:
26th of August, there is a conference, you happy to look after DD?
Yes or no. If no, make alternative childcare provisions, or take her with you or whatever.
If he is being evasive/an asshole, just pretend he’s not in the picture and do you.

It doesn’t need to be more complicated than that.

You don’t need his permission. He’s not your dad and you’re not 11. Sounds like your marriage is not in a good place.