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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Never “just wanted your mum”

159 replies

LegDayAgain · 23/08/2023 00:15

My DD and I were chatting (she’s 15) and she hadn’t been well over the weekend when she was with her dad. She told me “you know when you just want your mum?”
when you’re feeling rubbish.

And I felt totally blank. My mum was cold, neglectful, physically abusive and utterly disinterested in me and I never saw her (or my dad - also abusive) as a source of comfort.

much as I love the fact my dd does feel this way about me, it really struck me how much I missed out on as a child.

Anyone else relate?

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 23/08/2023 00:40

Sorry to see this. Just wanted to say I hope you're really proud of yourself that you've raised your daughter such that she feels that way about you, after the kind of parenting you suffered. You should be proud. It doesn't change what you went through, I know.

Original poster
LegDayAgain · 23/08/2023 00:50

Oh thank you for saying that. I really appreciate it.

I did try so hard to be a good mum but/and it’s so hard without any kind of experience.

I just always thought i was so lucky to have a daughter and honestly sometimes I’d look at her at whatever age and think, how could they have done that to me (at that age).

OP posts:
LuckOfTheDrawer · 23/08/2023 00:53

I think having your own children makes you look again at the parenting you experienced as a child.

💐

somedogsdo · 23/08/2023 00:56

Yes totally get this.
It hits me every Mother's Day too - all the gushy cards about best mum ever. I don't feel that way about my mum (emotional abuse).

Utterlypeanuterly · 23/08/2023 01:07

I thought i felt this way until the day I gave birth to my first dc. My mum wasn't cold or abusive but I was the oldest in a very large chaotic family and I grew up fending for myself. I never spent any time one to one with her. I moved out at 17.
Years later though as I was in labour I got an overwhelming feeling of wanting my mum. It was totally visceral - not a conscious thought but a wave of something physical.
It didn't change anything. I never told her. It makes me sad sometimes as I obviously buried that need since I was very young.
She died last year.

Monty27 · 23/08/2023 01:11

It's great you have a cute and sweet DD. .
Your parents' behaviour and inability to parent wasn't your fault.
Be proud of yourself

Mmhmmn · 23/08/2023 01:19

LegDayAgain · 23/08/2023 00:50

Oh thank you for saying that. I really appreciate it.

I did try so hard to be a good mum but/and it’s so hard without any kind of experience.

I just always thought i was so lucky to have a daughter and honestly sometimes I’d look at her at whatever age and think, how could they have done that to me (at that age).

I know, it's inexplicable.
Possibly had similar from their own parents? But if it was a cycle of awful parenting passed down through generations, at least you know you've broken it and are a good mum to your own DD.

Survivingrubbishmothering · 23/08/2023 02:37

@LegDayAgain I hear you. Be kind to yourself and congratulations on breaking the cycle with your own child. My Mother had a difficult childhood and then bestowed the same on me (but not my younger sister). She always told me how her older sister was treated better than she was after their parents died. She also told me that she always wanted two girls. I think she was determined to punish her NC sister through me. Just bizarre, but then (as I now know) she was also a complete narcissist with zero self awareness. And a liar. I think you have a choice as a mother to break the abuse cycle and for the life of me cannot understand why after a shitty childhood you would want to do the same to a tiny child when you have a choice not to.

So like you, I had a difficult childhood and could never do the same to my DD. It’s absolutely Incomprehensible to me. Like you, DD and I have a great bond which I am fiercely proud of and I know irked my Mother greatly. I consciously try to model good relationships to DD - with friendships/DH. I had zero experience of this growing up but studied friend’s mothers carefully. I used to think ‘What would my Mother do in this situation?’ And then do the opposite.

Growing up with a mother who dislikes you is like having overwhelming secret as a child. You don’t invite friends over, don’t have parties etc because they are just sources of embarrassment for you. So you are isolated, pretending to be happy at school but so utterly confused inside. You question what is wrong with you that the one person who is supposed to be your champion is so awful to you. Unless you’ve been through it you really can’t understand. But there is a reason card shops sell cards just with ‘To Mum on your birthday’ etc. I loved my Dad and he was a lovely man, but a weak one. He could’ve stepped in but was scared of her too. He had a ‘broken’ home as a child and was determined to stay married even to this awful, mean woman. I was angry with him for a long time about that. I stopped harbouring our family’s secret of poor parenting years ago and was quite open about it with friends. That really helped. As did reading books about Narcissistic personality disorders.

My Mother died earlier this year. I always said to her that it would be me with her at the end not the golden child and that always bothered her. And it was. When the time came, My sister predictably didn’t bother going straight to the hospital when called in. She absolutely knew it was only me there.
I shed no tears at her passing except those of relief. I imagine her watching down on me typing this furious with rage that the truth about her is now being told, desperately trying to find a way to brand me a liar. But the truth always comes out.

So big hugs to you and to all the mums out there doing their best without a role model. Don’t let the past define you. You are all awesome Mothers.

Bandyarsia · 23/08/2023 02:54

Yes I understand completely but looks like we both broke the mould ❤️

Bandyarsia · 23/08/2023 02:55

Survivingrubbishmothering · 23/08/2023 02:37

@LegDayAgain I hear you. Be kind to yourself and congratulations on breaking the cycle with your own child. My Mother had a difficult childhood and then bestowed the same on me (but not my younger sister). She always told me how her older sister was treated better than she was after their parents died. She also told me that she always wanted two girls. I think she was determined to punish her NC sister through me. Just bizarre, but then (as I now know) she was also a complete narcissist with zero self awareness. And a liar. I think you have a choice as a mother to break the abuse cycle and for the life of me cannot understand why after a shitty childhood you would want to do the same to a tiny child when you have a choice not to.

So like you, I had a difficult childhood and could never do the same to my DD. It’s absolutely Incomprehensible to me. Like you, DD and I have a great bond which I am fiercely proud of and I know irked my Mother greatly. I consciously try to model good relationships to DD - with friendships/DH. I had zero experience of this growing up but studied friend’s mothers carefully. I used to think ‘What would my Mother do in this situation?’ And then do the opposite.

Growing up with a mother who dislikes you is like having overwhelming secret as a child. You don’t invite friends over, don’t have parties etc because they are just sources of embarrassment for you. So you are isolated, pretending to be happy at school but so utterly confused inside. You question what is wrong with you that the one person who is supposed to be your champion is so awful to you. Unless you’ve been through it you really can’t understand. But there is a reason card shops sell cards just with ‘To Mum on your birthday’ etc. I loved my Dad and he was a lovely man, but a weak one. He could’ve stepped in but was scared of her too. He had a ‘broken’ home as a child and was determined to stay married even to this awful, mean woman. I was angry with him for a long time about that. I stopped harbouring our family’s secret of poor parenting years ago and was quite open about it with friends. That really helped. As did reading books about Narcissistic personality disorders.

My Mother died earlier this year. I always said to her that it would be me with her at the end not the golden child and that always bothered her. And it was. When the time came, My sister predictably didn’t bother going straight to the hospital when called in. She absolutely knew it was only me there.
I shed no tears at her passing except those of relief. I imagine her watching down on me typing this furious with rage that the truth about her is now being told, desperately trying to find a way to brand me a liar. But the truth always comes out.

So big hugs to you and to all the mums out there doing their best without a role model. Don’t let the past define you. You are all awesome Mothers.

I could have written this word for word had I been more eloquent ! I hear you!

MintJulia · 23/08/2023 03:23

The same. My DM liked having babies because of the attention they brought her, but lost interest when each of us reached about 3. I and my siblings are all four years apart.

I was dumped on my eldest sister as soon as my little sis was born, and ignored from then on.

I don't ever remember wanting my mum. I remember how mean spririted, bitter and ugly I thought her. Learning to steer clear from a very early age. She was the last person I would have consulted or looked to for comfort.

As siblings, we are all still close though. 🙂

Survivingrubbishmothering · 23/08/2023 03:39

@MintJulia ooh the same. Mean spirited and an ugly personality. And for me, her smell which I think says it all. The scent of your mother is supposed to be comforting I think? I also physically recoiled from her touch during one of her public displays of parenting as it was so abnormal to me. Thank god for lovely kind teachers in the 80’s. They may have smoked like a chimney in the classroom but they knew a child who was emotionally neglected at home from 50 paces god bless them. Education was my ticket out of her orbit. I did all of the things she never did - have a lovely (and well-kept) house, a successful career, travelled, earned money that facilitated experiences she was insanely jealous of and created a loving family with an equal partner (just the one child mind you, I never wanted to ever be tempted to favour a child which I think is quite common of survivors of NPD mothers?) She also hated the fact that my DH saw right through her.

@Bandyarsia sending you the hugs of solidarity also. I also think it irked my mother immensely that I was outwardly unbreakable. What didn’t kill us made us stronger, for sure.

Oblomov23 · 23/08/2023 03:41

Yes. My mum is amazing and there have been times in my life when I've wanted her, no one else.

HerRoyalNotness · 23/08/2023 03:49

Nope, not even when I went through the worst thing a mother could face did I want her. Says it all really. My dad (divorced) asked if he should tell her about it, didn’t even occur to me that she should know.

Roselilly36 · 23/08/2023 03:50

I can totally relate to what you have written OP. My mum, should never have been a mum, she only liked newborns, not children. She was a terrible mum to me and an even worse grandmother. We have been NC for many years. I am so pleased for friends who have lovely supportive mums, sadly I didn’t have parents like that. I am pleased that history has not repeated, my DS’ (adults now) have had a totally different childhood to me, always shown love.

littleripper · 23/08/2023 06:34

My mum was very neglectful but she was so yon f with so ms by children. I still want her all the time, and she's still so distracted and it's unfulfilling. She praises me on being a better mum than she was and she's an excellent grandma. She did her best and I still want her attention more than anything

Dinky45 · 23/08/2023 06:47

My mum was very cold with emotion. Never physically abusive. But she's not capable of complimenting me and she's very comfortable pointing out my flaws. If she ever hears the hairdresser or anyone compliment me or my kids she's straight in there with why she's the reason we have those wonderful things. She doesn't do it in am obvious way but she's clearly jealous of any attention I get. I'm 34 and she's 71 now. Makes her blood boil if I put a photo on fb she thinks it's for attention. It really isn't. It's just that one day every few months I take an average selfie if I'm dressed up nice.

She's the last person I'd go to. I tend to go to my friends for comfort.

Original poster
LegDayAgain · 23/08/2023 06:57

“I think you have a choice as a mother to break the abuse cycle and for the life of me cannot understand why after a shitty childhood you would want to do the same to a tiny child when you have a choice not to.”

The weird thing is she had a lovely childhood and was very much the golden child of a big, loving family. She somehow ended up in an abusive relationship and the pair of them were awful to me and my siblings except for the youngest one who she told me (as an adult) she never had to hit because he never did anything wrong.

You are totally right though. I chose every single day to love my daughter and make sure she knew it. It just took me by surprise that she loves me in a way I can’t understand at all.

OP posts:
SuddenlyOld · 23/08/2023 06:59

Yep. Never hugged me, not once. I knew she didn't love me from a young age. My dad was cold and not a tactile cuddly dad but even so I knew he loved me. My mother wasn't from an abused childhood, she had a lovely family and upbringing. She actually treated her own mother like shit. It's been nearly 40 years since I had anything to do with her. Radical NC from 16 when I left home.

WeWereInParis · 23/08/2023 07:00

My mum wasn't neglectful, she's just not warm and I've never felt that she just supports me. I've never felt that "I just want my mum". When things go wrong she's the last person I want.

MariaVT65 · 23/08/2023 07:04

Yes I can relate OP. I still talk to my mum but she didn’t treat me very well as a child so I resent her. We now have nothing in common and she is a terrible person to go to for advice. Having my own children hasn’t changed my opinion at all.

NoWeaponsOnTheTable · 23/08/2023 07:19

Growing up with a mother who dislikes you is like having overwhelming secret as a child.

It is. And wondering what is so wrong with you.
So many comments resonate here.

I hope I'm doing a better job. You should be so proud of yourself @LegDayAgain, and how wonderful for your DD to say and know that you are her safe place.

Sorry for ramble, this really hit me this morning for some reason.

Treacletreacle · 23/08/2023 07:24

I once said it felt like a politician hugging a homeless person when my mother thought she best hug me in public, after seeing a friend grab me to thank me for something i had arranged for them both. My mother never gave us any praise or emotional support either but as I got older I noticed she would real off my achievements to others like it was just a reflection on her. She does try to hug and kiss us now we are older but it still feels very stiff. Both me and my sister make sure we show our children how much we love them and I would say have broken the cycle. I have health anxiety now and actually thinking about it I remember being ill as a child and being alone waiting for my mum to come back to my room to see if I was okay but very much being on my own.
As sad as it is looking back on our childhoods be happy that you are a better mother to your daughter.

Pandaz · 23/08/2023 07:26

Utterlypeanuterly · 23/08/2023 01:07

I thought i felt this way until the day I gave birth to my first dc. My mum wasn't cold or abusive but I was the oldest in a very large chaotic family and I grew up fending for myself. I never spent any time one to one with her. I moved out at 17.
Years later though as I was in labour I got an overwhelming feeling of wanting my mum. It was totally visceral - not a conscious thought but a wave of something physical.
It didn't change anything. I never told her. It makes me sad sometimes as I obviously buried that need since I was very young.
She died last year.

I could have written this@Utterlypeanuterly ❤.

Moroccanqueen · 23/08/2023 07:33

It’s really sad how many people feel like this but really wonderful OP, that your daughter has a positive feeling.

I have not felt it until recent years. My mum loved us but was emotionally quite reserved due to her up bringing (shown no love, sent to boarding school etc). I also had (at this point undiagnosed) ADHD so was an absolute nightmare for her.

When I had my first son something changed in her and she really started to “come out of her shell” and even more so when I had my second. We’re now very close and she’s really cuddly with the grandkids and is a fantastic grandma. Sometimes I like to think she needed that to help her and to show her what love should feel like. She even tells me she loves me at the end of the phone call.

I have made sure I show my kids love and affection so I hope they grow up feeling the same as your daughter ❤️