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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Never “just wanted your mum”

159 replies

LegDayAgain · 23/08/2023 00:15

My DD and I were chatting (she’s 15) and she hadn’t been well over the weekend when she was with her dad. She told me “you know when you just want your mum?”
when you’re feeling rubbish.

And I felt totally blank. My mum was cold, neglectful, physically abusive and utterly disinterested in me and I never saw her (or my dad - also abusive) as a source of comfort.

much as I love the fact my dd does feel this way about me, it really struck me how much I missed out on as a child.

Anyone else relate?

OP posts:
HarrietStyles · 23/08/2023 09:41

I loved my experience in hospital as a child, I didn’t want to go home! And I secretly love it when I’m sick and my husband is so lovely taking care of me and bringing me food and drink in bed. All deep rooted to not being taken care of or nurtured as a child.

Original poster
LegDayAgain · 23/08/2023 09:43

So much of your posts really similar to my childhood - taking credit for my achievements, never going to parents evenings, awkwardness when she puts on a show of caring when in public…

And the hospital thing! I was badly injured as a child and spent a few weeks in hospital and loved it there. I didn’t want to get better. In fact when I realised I was getting well enough to go home I felt really down.

I like the idea of caring for your inner child and looking after yourself in that way.

The post about being a flower and not getting any sun 😢 that’s exactly how I feel when I look at my DD. She’s so strong, happy, confident and comfortable in her own skin. I sometimes wonder how I’d have turned out if I was loved.

To all of you who went through this - you are lovable. I used to put “kisses” in my dds pocket when I dropped her off at nursery and tell her to reach in and get one whenever she needed it. Pop a few in your pocket from me xx

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 23/08/2023 09:47

I hear you, but the positive is that it spurs me on to be completely different with my own DC.

snatchabook · 23/08/2023 09:49

This thread is so very sad to read, yet also uplifting as so many of you have gone on to be wonderful mothers despite everything.

LizzieSiddal · 23/08/2023 09:50

@LegDayAgain To all of you who went through this - you are lovable. I used to put “kisses” in my dds pocket when I dropped her off at nursery and tell her to reach in and get one whenever she needed it. Pop a few in your pocket from me xx

That’s so lovely. Flowers

Beangrove · 23/08/2023 09:58

I have never ever wanted my mum in that way. I was fed, clothed, there was no violence or neglect, but there was very little love or affection, and it felt like I spent my whole childhood being told I wasn't 'good' enough. I remember being bullied at the age of about 8 and sitting on the sofa crying, and her response was 'well I can't help it if no-one likes you'. As a teen I just remember being curious about why she didn't seem to like me in the way my friends' mums did. Any lift she gave, any favour she had to do for me was done with resentment and through gritted teeth.

She's only really seemed to like me and be proud of me since I became completely independent of her, even more so now she's living alone - now just ordering something online for her gets me a torrent of praise about how wonderful and clever I am. Which I find very uncomfortable.

I don't see her as someone to get comfort from, or ask advice from, I rarely see her and it doesn't bother me at all. If I'm ill, or sad, I cope better on my own, I don't even really want DH around sometimes as my natural instinct is to look after myself rather than seek that from someone else.

She's not a bad person but she wasn't a great mother, and unfortunately for her, that has a very strong bearing on our relationship 40 odd years down the line, regardless of how lovingly she acts towards me now I'm a fully grown adult. The damage was done a long time ago.

AnnieKayTee · 23/08/2023 10:01

I've never wanted my mum either. She's just not interested, always put my arsehole of a father first when we were kids. She's not affectionate, never says shes proud of us or anything like that. We get on okay but if she wasn't my mum she isn't someone I'd be interested in being around.

pointythings · 23/08/2023 10:06

Well done to everyone who broke the mould. It was my mum who did that with me and Dsis. We didn't find out how bad things were for her until we were adults.

I have a foster son and I hope I gave broken the mould for him.

Original poster
LegDayAgain · 23/08/2023 10:09

that has a very strong bearing on our relationship 40 odd years down the line, regardless of how lovingly she acts towards me now I'm a fully grown adult. The damage was done a long time ago.

Very true. My feelings are very much indifferent or hollow towards her now. I’ve seen her a handful of times in the past 5 years and loved the excuse of lockdowns to stop visiting.

I’ve realised through reading this that I enjoy being ill as I get cared for 😢

OP posts:
Survivingrubbishmothering · 23/08/2023 10:12

Ooh @Beangrove I was once told by my mother that ‘it wasn’t a surprise no one likes you, you are very unlikeable’. Who would say that to a 14yo unsure of themselves? she’d also say just before I left for school ‘I might kill myself today’. Then she’d be deliberately late picking us up. Of course she only told me what ‘she might do’ so my sister had no idea. It was only me panicking as to where she was at pick up time. So unbelievably cruel.

Shortbread49 · 23/08/2023 10:14

My mum was at her most mean when I was ill, worried or upset so much so that I was shocked by her behaviour from around the age of 8. She also used to get angry if other people paid me a compliment I remember shouting at my grandma to never say anything like that again because she told me I looked nice, not a phrase ever uttered by my mother

Survivingrubbishmothering · 23/08/2023 10:15

@pointythings how lovely that you are giving a home to a child who needs it. SS involvement was non existent for emotional abuse in the 70’s and 80’s. It does make me wonder if this still goes on now for kids. It makes me want to reach out and hug them and tell them everything will be ok in the end.

Kyovashad · 23/08/2023 10:15

I was raised by my father, mother left for an affair when I was around 6. She left 10 children.

Luckily my dad was and is amazing. I can't say I have missed not having a mother because I didn't have one to begin with. But I do understand what you're saying. My girls have said similar things to me and I just agree. To me it was always my dad who I need when I feel ill or when something goes wrong! I'm still like that as an adult.

donkra · 23/08/2023 10:20

I never feel like this. My mum wasn't at all abusive, but 1) we were a big family and 2) her (untreated) mental health issues meant that I felt like I looked after her emotionally from a young age. She was not the best at coping.

I do love her really, but I have no memory of feeling "looked after".

WaggledMyAerialAndWolfedMyCustardCreams · 23/08/2023 10:21

This resonates with me too. Well done on breaking the mould.

MillWood85 · 23/08/2023 10:28

I've been a "fierce" Mum to my own, as my Mum is just so cold. I don't remember it so much in early childhood but by my early teens, I felt that cold when I realised how much she did for my sister in comparison to me. In later years, she's given my sister half her business (even though I worked there too) and she's done an equity release so my sister can have building work done on the wreck of a house she's bought. They see each other daily, I see Mum once a month when she fit me in. She's the same with my children and grandchildren. I've spent years asking myself why, but I'll never know I guess.

What I do know is that my girls will never feel cold from me. Ever. And that feels so bloody good.

whatwhatinthebutt · 23/08/2023 10:30

No I can't relate, and my mum was also neglectful in that she did not bring me up, my dad did, and has not ever been a "mum-type" of person.

I still love her dearly, and I would pine for her when young, even though I only had a vague notion of who she was.

I think the maternal bond is inherent in us, and that's backed by science to some degree, in maternal deprivation studies in monkeys that they still carry out at Penn. University (unless they stopped, they did back in around 2011) and these experiments have been done for decades. They show that wanting your mum is an innate response.

However, today do I ever 'want my mum'? Nope. Cause what would she do?

Who do I want? Well actually I want to be around my daughter in times like this. Previously I wanted no one, and went into existential dread.

Crikeyalmighty · 23/08/2023 10:35

@LegDayAgain me too- my mum and dad were far too caught up in their own personal dramas- knocking off other people etc

TinyTear · 23/08/2023 10:36

LegDayAgain · 23/08/2023 10:09

that has a very strong bearing on our relationship 40 odd years down the line, regardless of how lovingly she acts towards me now I'm a fully grown adult. The damage was done a long time ago.

Very true. My feelings are very much indifferent or hollow towards her now. I’ve seen her a handful of times in the past 5 years and loved the excuse of lockdowns to stop visiting.

I’ve realised through reading this that I enjoy being ill as I get cared for 😢

I have told my mum and my sister "too little too late" about my dad mostly but also my mum...

Im in my fiftys now, fuck this shit.

Pigsearsilkpurse · 23/08/2023 10:50

natura · 23/08/2023 08:52

Those of you who had mothers like this and went on to have kids, how did you feel confident having them, and then go on to do differently?

I'm choosing not to have kids because I can feel elements of my mother's parenting so deep in my bones that I'm terrified of inflicting it on a child and not being capable of avoiding it.

I'm so impressed by the courage of people who choose to try, and who manage to break the cycle as brilliantly as you seem to have done, OP.

I had the same fear. I panicked that i would either become her or go the other way and be so smothering and overprotective that it would cause as much damage. Or even worse, swing between them both so the poor child wouldn't know where they stood.

I decided I was going to be child free when I was very young and remained steadfast and now I am to old for babies - i don't regret a thing. My siblings have also not had children so this particular three generational cycle dies with us.

I had a bit of a revelation, a PP mentioned not understanding why kids got homesick and it brought back such memories of being away and loving it and being bemused by children who were not able to enjoy the absolutely wonderful freedom. Getting packed of for the summer was a adventure in happiness and calm. I never made the connection before and it probably why im such a prolific traveller.

FreeRider · 23/08/2023 10:56

Yes I can relate. My mother was like yours, unless it was for showing off to her family (look at me, the perfect Catholic mother) she showed no interest in myself or my two brothers. I've never been hugged or kissed by her and she never played with us.

I posted recently on another thread about how my younger brother had a bad fall at school when he was about 14. This was the mid 80s, so the school first asked him if he felt he needed to go to hospital, he said no because he knew our mother would be angry about having to spent hours in A&E. As a result he went around with a fractured skull for a decade .... the bone healed over the fracture badly and he's now been left with a massive bone lump on his forehead.

My mother has no grandchildren. She can't understand why.

HarrietStyles · 23/08/2023 10:59

LegDayAgain · 23/08/2023 09:43

So much of your posts really similar to my childhood - taking credit for my achievements, never going to parents evenings, awkwardness when she puts on a show of caring when in public…

And the hospital thing! I was badly injured as a child and spent a few weeks in hospital and loved it there. I didn’t want to get better. In fact when I realised I was getting well enough to go home I felt really down.

I like the idea of caring for your inner child and looking after yourself in that way.

The post about being a flower and not getting any sun 😢 that’s exactly how I feel when I look at my DD. She’s so strong, happy, confident and comfortable in her own skin. I sometimes wonder how I’d have turned out if I was loved.

To all of you who went through this - you are lovable. I used to put “kisses” in my dds pocket when I dropped her off at nursery and tell her to reach in and get one whenever she needed it. Pop a few in your pocket from me xx

@LegDayAgain oh this is just lovely 🥰 I’m going to fill my children’s pockets with kisses when they go back to school in September.

picklsey · 23/08/2023 10:59

While I'm not in the same position, as a mum I just wanted to echo others and say well done for breaking the cycle Flowers

Crunchingleaf · 23/08/2023 11:00

I had a bit of a revelation, a PP mentioned not understanding why kids got homesick and it brought back such memories of being away and loving it and being bemused by children who were not able to enjoy the absolutely wonderful freedom. Getting packed of for the summer was a adventure in happiness and calm. I never made the connection before and it probably why im such a prolific traveller.

reading so many insightful responses to this thread. Reading this reminded me that I never really had a sense of place until I started a relationship with my now DH. I spent my childhood summers with my grandparents and was devastated going back ‘home’. I just didn’t have this sense of home.

I never wanted DC because I thought I wouldn’t be able to love them. My eldest was an accident. He is a teenager now and I am always telling him that I love him and also I show him that I love him.

FreeRider · 23/08/2023 11:00

@natura @Pigsearsilkpurse I decided very young (about 9) that I wouldn't be having children. Despite being constantly told by my mother 'you'll change your mind' I never have and I'm 55 now.

Like @natura my two brothers have also not gone on to have children and as we are all in our 50s now I can't see that changing. My father never wanted to be a parent in the first place and it was pretty obvious growing up that they both disliked parenthood intensely.

You reap what you sow.