Never “just wanted your mum”

[LegDayAgain]

My DD and I were chatting (she’s 15) and she hadn’t been well over the weekend when she was with her dad. She told me “you know when you just want your mum?”
when you’re feeling rubbish.

And I felt totally blank. My mum was cold, neglectful, physically abusive and utterly disinterested in me and I never saw her (or my dad - also abusive) as a source of comfort.

much as I love the fact my dd does feel this way about me, it really struck me how much I missed out on as a child.

Anyone else relate?

I feel the same. I can't imagine ever wanting my mum. I had a horribly emotionally abusive childhood where my mother basically ignored my existence. I barely see her now and never really think about her, she isn't relevant in my life in any way, I'd never ask for advice, never tell her anything personal, never anything other than hollow chitchat and its been that way since I was 17 and left home. We are strangers really.

I've never really had a parent, was never cared for, was never loved. It's a weird one and I can't really put into words how alien the whole idea of having a mum or dad feels to me. Like I hear people talking about their parents and I can never relate. I think I'm a bit of a cold fish because of it, I've definitely compartmentalised that part of my life but as much as I hate to admit it, it has shaped so much of me. I don't think I'm ever not going to be damaged by growing up devoid of everything except the basics of shelter and food.

No. I can't rely on my mum for anything (other than a nice bit of cake). It's very painful.

My goodness that has given me a pain in my chest to read.😥

Your poor Dad.

Agreed, well done OP, on being a mum that your daughter knows will offer comfort to her when she needs it.

@Inmybirthdaysuit
I am sorry you had such an emotionally neglectful childhood. It simply isn't fair .

Absolutely. My Mum was fun, warm and loving, but neglectful in other ways (she struggled with mental health and alcoholism) and we were exposed to a lot of things that children really shouldn't be as well as not having much actual parenting. My father refused to have his name on my birth certificate so he couldn't be chased for maintenance (and wonders why, as an adult, I'm not that interested in him!). My stepfather is lovely, generous, but has strange ideas about suitable behaviour for children (giving us cocaine at 14 being just one example!).

Once I had my own children, I found myself struggling with so much of my own childhood that I hadn't questioned before and found it hard to respect my parents. Unfortunately, my mother died before I had a chance to reconcile myself with this. I didn't actually realise that I really did love her until she died.

OP, I'm so sorry you didn't even have a loving relationship with your mother. But be so proud that you've been able to give your daughter something you never had.

If something goes wrong , my mum starts flapping and getting distressed/ anxious herself. Not much comfort, it feels easier not to tell her. Proud of all you mums who have broken the cycle

These posts resonate with me so much. My dad was horrible to my mum and I think she just had to take it out on someone else. She always put me down, told me I was ugly, disgusting and stupid. My dad was absolutely vile too. My mum found out I was being bullied when I was a teenager and made my life hell saying of course people didn’t like me because of the way I looked. She’s very needy though and used me as a shoulder to cry on when my dad attacked her. She’d goad him into attacking me too. She was always slapping and kicking me. She used to make up excuses to not let me leave the house, especially in summer. I’d just sit in my room for weeks on end, not allowed to leave the house. She’d tell me no one really liked me and my friends were pretending. If I cried, she said I was too sensitive or that she hadn’t actually said it.

And, yet, I still have this ‘I want my mum’ feeling sometimes. Once after a bad breakup I really thought she’d be kind or even give me a hug (she’d never hugged me and I was in my mid 20s) but she just told me she understood why he wouldn’t want to be with me. I’m always so disappointed and hurt when I try to talk to her. She either stares past me, completely ignores me or just interrupts me and talks about something else. At the same time, she still treats me like her parent. Sometimes I get very upset when I see a woman being kind and gentle to her child, especially if the child looks like I did. I always thought that some day I would understand why she was so horrible to me, but now I’m in my 30s and it’s just incomprehensible.

@VoluptuaGoodshag love the username 😂

Have you / would you ever ask her why she was the way she was as a mother? or tell her how growing up was for you? Or do you want to leave it in the past?

You have done well to raise a dd who does want you when she feels rubbish. I do understand though and no one should ever feel otherwise but you be proud of yourself

@Gettingthereatlast So sorry to see this. It is incomprehensible, how anyone could inflict that pain on their daughter (though like you say, your dad obviously twisted her mind). 💜

I found that raising any of this even in the mist polite way resulted in angry emails from my dad about How dare I upset my mother as his role is to protect her not his children she used to tell him lies and make him beat my brother after she had already done so while he was at work but neglected to tell him that part

She’d be the last person I’d call on. Heavily pregnant with dc2 I was diagnosed with ore-eclampsia and told I’d have to go to hospital. DH had just started a zero hours contract job, I reluctantly phoned my parents who first made me beg for help, then my mother said “ I won’t have to do anything except play with dc1 will I?” I hung up and thankfully a neighbour with a 20 month old of her own stepped up.
My mother was the harshest, coldest person imaginable yet used to gush about her own parents ( dead before I was born) and how much she’d adored them, how wonderful the6 were.
The dangerous, and cruel, situations she put us in as young children is almost unbelievable — and my parents were registered as foster parents!

Pre - eclampsia.

My parents didn't raise me. Was brought up by relatives.
And I'll never know if that was due to her MH diagnosis and his undiagnosed issues, or whether they just didn't want to be parents. They did visit, but were uninterested in me.

I get what you mean, OP.

How lovely.

My mum died young 54, but she had already ruined me and try as I have I still struggle to demonstrate emotion even with my children, so in turn I have damaged them too. I am better practiced with my grandchild though.

My mother's reaction to my presence was disgust. She was very different with all my siblings and I was neither youngest nor oldest and a very good baby apparently.

I live with the feeling that I illicit disgust in everyone just by my presence and even after extensive counseling I cannot change it. I rarely touch anyone due to it. It's very isolating.

Be proud of the loving daughter you have raised. I am nearly 80 years old and in the darkest times I just want my mum (dead since 1993).

yes can totally relate unfortunately. i had horrifically abusive "parents" and like others have said school trips etc were such a relief as you knew you would be safe. also being in hospital is so nice as it is the only time i have felt looked after. i remember one really kind nurse after i had had a big operation who came in the night to give more pain relief and stroked my arm so kindly. i imagine that is what it feels like to have a "real" mum but i have never known.

i found that other thread on here painful about the posters being upset that someone was not overly sad at the loss of parents. all people posting on that thread had absolutely no idea how immensely lucky they had been to have been loved so deeply by a parent that the loss of them was so hard. someone said no one will love you as unconditionally. i have no idea what that feels like.

it makes you feel like an alien and so different to everyone else so huge hugs to everyone on here who gets it

as others have said when they do die all i will feel is relief that they can't hurt me any more

Well done you for breaking the cycle!

No. I could never have this discussion. I’ll be the adult here as our roles are reversed now as she’s nearly 95 and very infirm. It would break her and I don’t want that on my conscience as it would only make me feel worse :(

Once after a bad breakup I really thought she’d be kind or even give me a hug

My brother told me recently that when I had a breakup in ny early 20s DM was positively gloating about now I'd know how it feels (she was badly dumped by a bloke before she met my father). I've come to the conclusion that she was actually jealous of me.

Didn't get a hug either. Ditto when ExH walked out.

Can relate to a lot of thing’s written here. My best friends are so close to their parents especially their mums. Always saying how wonderful they are, doing special days out with them. I feel sad that i never was like that with mine. They are both dead now but there was never any warm cuddly love there. In fact, when i was growing up and moving from school to work, i got myself a great opportunity working at a brilliant company. All off my own back. No help from them only school/a third party careers agency.

i was doing really well and really proud of myself. Really could see a future for myself you know. Their reaction was - well if you fell in shit you would still come up smelling of roses. Alright, stop rubbing it in. With a twisted face like they didnt want to hear all the good stuff i was achieving. Compared me to my sister who had no aspirations or motivation to do well and had a dead end job and skint, its almost like they pledged their allegiance to her and i was a cow for being happy and moving on with life. I really dont get it. Always put downs about being “money bags” i didnt have that much cash but waS a good saver vs sister/parents. I was fat - yes little digs from my mum of all people ! I was a size 10! I just felt whatever i did was not good enough. They were tough times.

never allowed friends round and if i did dare, it was super awkward. They were never interested in my school eg no parents evenings, no attending school plays which i loved to be a part of etc

i find it hard to explain to friends, so i dont bother. I just suck it up but do wonder why me? My parents were both born in 1940s. Went straight into labour jobs when leaving school and i guess it was hard for them too. Im completely the opposite with my children. I shower them with love and encouragement and try to create a loving home life

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain jealousy is the conclusion DH (and my in-laws) came to regarding my mother’s behaviour. She ruined every event by trying to become the centre of attention. As she had zero self awareness she thought everyone loved her. It was cringeworthy really.

@Mmhmmn Thank you!

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain I think with people like this it is jealousy. My mother always seems so happy when I or my siblings are rejected or hurt in some way, if we're broken up with or don't get a job we want etc. It's baffling.

This read has been both sad and comforting 🙃 to read.

Its awful that so many of us grew up without love and affection and we’ve seen how that’s impacted us as adults and mums trying to navigate a journey that’s difficult anyway but with no role model or experience to lead us. Or for some, it’s put us off being mums at all.

But also your stories are stories I recognise and identify with, and having grown up feeling “different” that’s actually been weirdly comforting. So thank you for sharing. You’re not alone.

I love you for that and I hope you’re ok ❤️

And for the posters who have sent lovely thoughts our way - thank you. I think my heart has grown 2 sizes xx

When I was made redundant (with a year's tax free salary) she was wailing down the phone that at my age (50) I'd never get another job. After I put the phone down I thought do you really think I'm that unemployable? (and as it turned out she was wrong). I wanted a mother who'd leap to my defence and say 'bloody idiots, they don't know what they've given up,their loss' and tell me to take care of myself and onward and upward but I never ever got that. She was incapable of being positive - everything was a drama designed to upset her.