Never “just wanted your mum”

[LegDayAgain]

My DD and I were chatting (she’s 15) and she hadn’t been well over the weekend when she was with her dad. She told me “you know when you just want your mum?”
when you’re feeling rubbish.

And I felt totally blank. My mum was cold, neglectful, physically abusive and utterly disinterested in me and I never saw her (or my dad - also abusive) as a source of comfort.

much as I love the fact my dd does feel this way about me, it really struck me how much I missed out on as a child.

Anyone else relate?

My mother wasn't abusive but she wasn't physically demonstrative and I really questioned whether in fact she loved me at all. She'd make comments about me not being able to do anything wrong in my dad's eyes and that I was his favourite. That may well have been the truth but only because my dad and I had shared interests.

I envy people who have close relationships with their mother because I just simply didn't have that with mine and barely grieved when she died.

My relationship with my 16 year old daughter is completely different. We constantly say "I love you", share the same demented sense of humour and do lots together. Be proud of yourself for your relationship with yours 🤗

This rings all kinds of bell. Only, knowing what my mother is like, I wouldn’t have told her I was redundant until after id found a new job.

I didn’t tell her I had cancer, either. I couldn’t cope with the wailing, praying and immediate leap to the worst case scenario.

Sadly I really relate to the experiences on this thread, especially those who had a sibling that was treated totally differently. I haven't had time to read it all but will bookmark it as it made me feel less alone. I think, despite years of therapy, I still carry that sense of there being something inherently wrong with me and possibly always will.
I do want my mum all the time, just not her. Because she's not and has never been safe and would throw me under the bus for even a stranger rather than love or protect me.

Your daughter holds you in the highest regard OP you are her safe space and her haven.

I wanted my mum a few months ago when I had COVID ....I'm 55 but she lives in the UK, I don't, so lovely DH had to do 😂

My DM is like yours, I always want my sister

I don’t think I’ll ever be rid of the doubt and guilt in myself. Take the other day for example. I was meeting an old work colleague and friend for an early tea. We had a lovely time and he’d had a particularly shit day so I was cheering him up and we both just had a good laugh together putting the world to rights. By 8pm I was getting twitchy thinking I should be getting home now. It was the guilt my mother instilled in me that I shouldn’t be out having a good time whilst DH and DS are at home. I had no reason to go home. They were doing their own thing, cooking their own dinner and not giving a toss when I was home but it was my mother’s judgement I was sub consciously fighting against.
I had to actively make myself think ‘no, I’m staying out longer, I’m having fun’. I should not ever have to think that way. But that’s what she’s done to me over the years with her caustic jibes. I don’t think she can bear the thought of me having a different life to hers. Even yesterday on my weekly visit to care for her she says ‘oh nothing much to tell you’ but asks not one single thing about me, my life or that of my family.
im so fucking done with it

Sorry that you had a mum like that.
My mum was none of those things you describe, however I've never felt I just want my mum.
She's lovely, helpful, etc, nothing wrong with her as a mum, but I'm just not that way about needing her like that

Oh can so relate to all this especially @MrsDanversGlidesAgain story about being made redundant. My mother would have probably added in that I mustn't have been as good as other people if they'd decided to make me redundant.

All through my life if I've tried to get support from her she's always pointed out how I am to blame for what happened and/or made all about herself and how upset she is or how it affects her. She is completely mystified why I now don't tell her anything.

The moment the penny dropped for me was watching a true crime documentary and the mother of a victim said some about how what upset her most was her daughter crying for her help, 'because everyone always calls for their mother when they need help' and I thought not me. I can't imagine a situation of ever calling for my mother in distress because I can grantee she'd make it a million times worse!

I think I've found my sisters.

To Catholic DM, it was like all her kids were part of a set to show off and pointedly lord it over other less devout families that we were raised well. We are pretty much props to her stories or her life. She will be all affectionate when she sees us and constantly tells us that she loves us, and in a way she does, but it feels like you get pumped for news so she can brag to her family of our achievements and claim credit (but also to lord it over them).

I had a breast lump this summer. Never told her because it would be come all about her worrying about me. And she would tell everybody. She'd relish the drama and people feeling sorry for her.

I never needed her or even wanted her when I was going through infertility or losses, or the EMCS. I am in contact but it's for duty really.

Like others here, my siblings and I learned early on to fend for ourselves, to avoid the house when there was the inevitable tension and to never go to mum with anything. I was an avid reader like others on this thread, we all were and still are, except for the golden child.

@Turfwars yup mums stealing the thunder to claim the bragging rights. Only worried about how things appear in the optics.

I’ve definitely found my sisters.

@VoluptuaGoodshag honestly your childhood sounds identical to mine and even when I was married my mum would tell me I should be getting home before (now ex) DH was home so I could have dinner ready. I worked full time too!!

she’s said some horrible things to me over the years and recently had the gall to tell me that my achievements are because she made me strong by being cruel.

Mine did everything she could to chase away my sister's boyfriend when she got pregnant unintentionally shortly after her husband, my sister's father, died. She even tried taking their child on the grounds that 'if they wanted it, she wouldn't be going out to work, so it's obviously mine now' and tried to get their wedding cancelled, banning all family members from attending when she ran away with her baby and they got married quickly so she couldn't try and take the baby back.

Reckons she is the reason why they had a successful marriage for the rest of their lives - 'Of course, it's all because of me - I brought them together'. She traumatised the pair of them repeatedly, did absolutely heinous things out of rage and an absolute confidence in ownership/authority, yet claims she was doing it for their own good.

Called the BIL 'a lovely, lovely man' when he was diagnosed with a life limiting disease. Nah, no way, I've heard all your stories about what you tried to do to him to make him disappear. You're just saying this for show.

I'm not being horrible but you sound more oh is me

What does “oh is me” mean?

And is “I’m not being horrible” something you say before being horrible?

if you don’t get it, scroll on.

@LegDayAgain I think the poster above might be the type of FB Hun who has a ‘Chester Draws’ for sale on marketplace or is the one person in a meeting who ‘pacifically’ has to point out something. Or maybe they’ve posted a picture of their home baking on instagram with the caption ‘Wallah!’

I don’t usually mock poor grammar on MN as I’m not a twat. I do hate bullies more though. Trying to goad surviving daughters of narcissists/shit mothering is a pointless activity however, even when the words do make grammatical sense. We’ve been trained for years to endure put downs and we’ve not been broken yet. It’s like having a superpower. So as you say, if you’ve nothing to contribute constructively love, scroll on. There’s always one though, isn’t there? (Or as the pp might prefer, ‘theirs’ 😉)

My mum was a horrible human being. I can empathise. She’s dead now and I haven’t missed her. (Not glad, but indifferent. Somehow that’s worse, I think.) I look at my kids who are spoken to respectfully and kindly (nearly adults) and spoken ABOUT in a manner that shows that I genuinely like them, and wonder how a parent could isolate and humiliate a child to the point that they don’t bother asking for help when adults can clearly see the abuse. (Physical too.) I guess I worked on establishing genuine relationships with my kids, because even at their ages (19, 17x2) they know they can speak openly and safely, and have someone to advocate for them if they need.

I can relate to so many of these posts. Fortunately, I’m on limited contact with my mum. She’s not in great health and I’m actually dreading her demise. When my dad died, who was also a dreadful human, I experienced terrible flashbacks and got to relive a repeating, greatest hits of terrible memories of things that happened during my childhood. Took me a couple of years to get it out my head.
That’s been the worst thing, remember what my life was like at certain ages compared to my kids. But the best thing is knowing that their lives are so different. I am pleased to say that I broke the cycle. My kids are adults now and I’ve spoken to them about my childhood to some degree and they understand that I was neglected and unloved and that I worried that I wouldn’t be able to parent properly. So, I’ve always spoken to my children in ways that expressed how much they are loved and liked. I’m in no way a perfect parent but I’ve made sure my children know they can rely on parents who love and support them and will be there when needed.

My DM is an odd one. Growing up she wasn't cruel but detached and distant. She had a few different husbands/partners (one v abusive) and they were the priority.

Myself and younger DB were left to our own devices. I used to go out getting up to allsorts, some risky situations. There was no concern, no boundaries. I used to think I had it good as I was never grounded or anything.

It was only when I had my first child the penny started to drop how she just didn't care. No emotional connection whatsoever. If I didn't call or visit I wouldn't hear from her.

It set me up for a lifetime of low self esteem, people pleasing and disastrous relationships. It's only in the last few years turning 50 that I've been really working on myself to overcome the crap feelings of low self worth by reading about childhood emotional neglect and narcissistic behavioural patterns amongst other things.

I see my mum a few times a year as she lives abroad. Although she is very welcoming and easy going, communication is always surface level. That deep bond I have with my kids is missing.

Oh and same here OP, It doesn't even enter my mind to want my mum in bad times. I've learnt to cope by myself. We like many others here have broken the cycle with our children.

Oh can so relate to all this especially @MrsDanversGlidesAgain story about being made redundant. My mother would have probably added in that I mustn't have been as good as other people if they'd decided to make me redundant

DM did say 'but why you? you're so good at your job!' except she didn't actually know what I did (bank in the city of London, which was probably boasting points for her until I got canned). Sometimes I felt like a trophy on her shelf.

Trying to goad surviving daughters of narcissists/shit mothering is a pointless activity however, even when the words do make grammatical sense. We’ve been trained for years to endure put downs and we’ve not been broken yet

We've survived the attempts to break us by people who were experts at it. Some snide SM posting that barely makes sense is water off a duck's back.

I don’t know what my Mum thought of me, but she died a long time ago so it’s too late now. I miss her but she wasn’t someone you could talk to if you had a problem and said some horrible things and I’ll never know if she meant them or not, or if they’re true. I remember around the time I was leaving ExH she said something like ‘You’ve been a pain in the arse your whole life my girl, you’ll never find anyone else who can put up with you’. I don’t think I’m that bad tbh and I did find a new DP but I don’t have that many friends so I don’t know.

Then when she was in the hospital, before we knew it was the end I brought her some books and magazines and she said you’re nice, actually. As though it was something she’d just realised. I was so surprised I didn’t know what to say.

Mine wasn’t physically affectionate. I do recognise much of what is being posted here though. Her criticism and then support was random. I would yearn to have a mum who was fully present but she wasn’t. She was a narcissist. She collect less fortunate people
like trinkets. She would bestow gifts on the and solve their problems- talk about them endlessly. When she died there was an almost nationally out pouring of grief.
i didn’t recognise that woman.
I am left with a fearful avoidant attachment style as a result.