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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Never “just wanted your mum”

159 replies

LegDayAgain · 23/08/2023 00:15

My DD and I were chatting (she’s 15) and she hadn’t been well over the weekend when she was with her dad. She told me “you know when you just want your mum?”
when you’re feeling rubbish.

And I felt totally blank. My mum was cold, neglectful, physically abusive and utterly disinterested in me and I never saw her (or my dad - also abusive) as a source of comfort.

much as I love the fact my dd does feel this way about me, it really struck me how much I missed out on as a child.

Anyone else relate?

OP posts:
PinkFootstool · 23/08/2023 11:28

WeWereInParis · 23/08/2023 07:00

My mum wasn't neglectful, she's just not warm and I've never felt that she just supports me. I've never felt that "I just want my mum". When things go wrong she's the last person I want.

Same. Both my parents really. I didn't want for things like piano lessons, camping trips or joining an orchestra but I realise I looked for ways to avoid being at home from a young age and the daily clubs, societies and sports I did achieved that.

I'm in my 40s now and it never occurs to me to phone home if I'm having a problem. I phone home for duty reasons and usually once a month at most. DH phones his parents several times a week "just because" even just for a few minutes at a time. His Dad is the first person he'd call in a crisis, not for help but for moral support.

Pigsearsilkpurse · 23/08/2023 11:32

FreeRider · 23/08/2023 11:00

@natura @Pigsearsilkpurse I decided very young (about 9) that I wouldn't be having children. Despite being constantly told by my mother 'you'll change your mind' I never have and I'm 55 now.

Like @natura my two brothers have also not gone on to have children and as we are all in our 50s now I can't see that changing. My father never wanted to be a parent in the first place and it was pretty obvious growing up that they both disliked parenthood intensely.

You reap what you sow.

Ah yes. Not being a Grand Parent really upsets her - the optics of it rather than not having the children. Mainly because she feels it looks bad on her as there are no doting grand kids to talk about and the picture perfect lady in retirement is a lovely home, kids you brag about and the number grand children you have.

There would be no way on this green earth that she would enjoy GK or even tolerate them. Her cleaners small child moved one of the perfect cushions on her sofa the other day and I didn't hear the end of it for days. She still brings up not having GK, all of us not getting married (because we knew she would ruin it - I did get married but RO low key years ago and never told her)

I would like to take the next step and go NC (I am low C) but over the years her poor behaviour and selfishness killed off connections to both friends and family and shes ended up in the middle of nowhere (of her own making) and is so deeply lonely and very isolated I just cant make myself be as hard hearted as she is, I just cant do it.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 23/08/2023 11:57

I'm in my 40s now and it never occurs to me to phone home if I'm having a problem

I've been semi-retired for a couple of years, had time to think about stuff and mull over issues that pop into my head (never had the time before) - DM emigrated in the late 80s and it's just occurred to me reading your post that I never, ever called her, I always waited for her to call me whenever she had something to say. Her boss asked me just before she left 'are you going to miss her?' and I said the expected things, but was thinking, how do you miss someone who's never been there?

I never used to call her when I had a problem, either - like DH walking out on me. Never occurred to me.

FreeRider · 23/08/2023 12:12

@Pigsearsilkpurse Yeah my mother is exactly the same re the optics of having grandchildren...she would have hated the reality of it. She won't admit that she doesn't actually like children...well a 'good' Catholic couldn't, could she?

When I married my 1st husband (stupidly young, mainly to get away from my parents) she made some crack about why was I bothering if I wasn't intending on having children? I replied that I wasn't put on this Earth just to breed. Didn't go down well.

I'm also low contact and deliberately live on the other side of the world. I haven't actually seen my mother in 14 years (pets and poverty are great excuses) and like you haven't gone the full no contact as she's destroyed all her family relationships and most of the ones she had with friends, too.

Wexone · 23/08/2023 12:12

@natura thats exactly why i dont have children. I also have been diagnosed with sever endometriosis when was in my thirties, my symptoms as a teenager really showed my mothers non caring side and was often told that i had ruined days out etc. No sympathy etc. One situation resonates with me, was in my early 20's - lived my now husband at the time, he was away for work and i was really sick with what i now know was endometrioses. My mother unexpectedly called and brought me tp the doctor, now here in Ireland you have to pay for the doctor and she payed as i had no money. she brought me home and i was thinking WOW this is nice of her. Well i though wrong, she paid for the doctor at the time, 40e it was however she hounded me for the next two weeks (for most i was still very sick) when will she get the money back. In the end my husband drive up to her house and threw 40e in 1e coins, through the letter box . He was in shock as his parents are so generous and are still are with everything. I was very sick at the time. It was like she resented being a mother and that we took up so much of her time. Refused to bring us dancing etc, fobbed off to babysitters every weekend, always on edge and so bad tempered. Also violent, i for the life of me can not understand how my sister lets her babysit her kids. I have become very independent - don't ring her at all, very successful in work and life. I know for a fact this really grates on her, she doesn't talk about me ( i know because met her one day in town with a women she works with and the women was like oh i didn't know you had another daughter? ). If i do see her there will be smart comments or she will have a face that will turn milk sour on her. I was told years ago you can not change her but you can change how she affects you and this is what i have done

donkra · 23/08/2023 12:18

This is actually proving an interesting and fruitful thought experiment for me.

When I'm ill... I just want to be left alone to get better, although it's nice if DH brings by food and paracetamol. My DPs were medical professionals and very unsympathetic with childhood bugs. When I want emotional comfort or to feel cared for, I want DH. I also only call home rarely out of duty, but DH is never off the phone to the PIL and genuinely enjoys catching up with them.

I never wanted children when I was younger, for various reasons. I only started wanting them after I married DH, and even then I wanted the experience of having children specifically with him and not children in the abstract.

ClawedButler · 23/08/2023 12:48

Flowers for all you amazing women who have been through so much. I might have a bit of dust in my eye reading some of your posts.

Luxembourgmama · 23/08/2023 13:03

Crunchingleaf · 23/08/2023 11:00

I had a bit of a revelation, a PP mentioned not understanding why kids got homesick and it brought back such memories of being away and loving it and being bemused by children who were not able to enjoy the absolutely wonderful freedom. Getting packed of for the summer was a adventure in happiness and calm. I never made the connection before and it probably why im such a prolific traveller.

reading so many insightful responses to this thread. Reading this reminded me that I never really had a sense of place until I started a relationship with my now DH. I spent my childhood summers with my grandparents and was devastated going back ‘home’. I just didn’t have this sense of home.

I never wanted DC because I thought I wouldn’t be able to love them. My eldest was an accident. He is a teenager now and I am always telling him that I love him and also I show him that I love him.

Thats like me i have a profound sense of peace inside since i met my wonderful DH. He had nice normal parents who are wonderful grandparents. Having my girls is the best thing ever and i tell them constantly my mum said the opposite to me.

wandawaves · 23/08/2023 13:15

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/08/2023 07:44

Never understood any of it - making mothers day cards and having to write 'I love you Mummy' in it? Why do I have to? asked 5 year old me. The answer was all about how Mummies love you and give you cuddles and keep you safe.

Then there were the kids on the year 4 residential who were homesick. Why? Why on earth would you cry for your Mummy? Isn't this a break away with people who aren't allowed to hit you?

The assumption that I'd be visiting her when I was grown up. Oh yes, she'll look after me, she says. Oh no, I won't, I think. But by 8 years old, I knew it wasn't worth saying stuff like that out loud as I would pay for it.

And then you get people preaching at you that you only get one Mum and that you'll regret not being a better daughter when she's gone/they'd give everything just to see theirs again. Just as well there's only one of them, really, as I wouldn't wish her on anybody else. But erm, sorry for yours dying, even though that was something I kind of dreamed of when I was a kid so that I could be safe from her.

Every year when I'm buying a mothers day card, I literally pull a face while picking up each one that says stuff like "to the most beautiful/best/loveliest/wonderful mum in the world", and look for one that just says "happy mother's day". The other ones are all lies, to me.

wandawaves · 23/08/2023 13:21

natura · 23/08/2023 08:52

Those of you who had mothers like this and went on to have kids, how did you feel confident having them, and then go on to do differently?

I'm choosing not to have kids because I can feel elements of my mother's parenting so deep in my bones that I'm terrified of inflicting it on a child and not being capable of avoiding it.

I'm so impressed by the courage of people who choose to try, and who manage to break the cycle as brilliantly as you seem to have done, OP.

For me, it wasn't an active decision I had to make, to show my kids love. It just came instinctively. Which is why I think that I get increasingly irritated at my mother's parenting as my kids get older, because everyone used to say "oh but you won't understand about your mum's parenting because you don't have teenagers/you're not a single mum etc", but now I am those things, and it's not hard to show my kids love, to support them, encourage them, and nurture them to be the best they can be. I would NEVER be able to parent like my mum did, it would just feel so wrong.

Beangrove · 23/08/2023 13:24

@wandawaves me too! Thing is I know she would LOVE a 'best mother in the world / thank you for all you've done for me / I am who I am because of you' card, it would probably make her quite emotional to be 'recognised' in that way, and to be fair, she has helped us out financially a bit over the last few years (which I have of course recognised via a thank you at the time), but I still can't bring myself to buy one.

Ironically I did used to buy gushy poem cards for ex-MIL because she was a wonderful woman who did a lot for me, and she bloody loved a soppy verse!

VoluptuaGoodshag · 23/08/2023 13:37

80s · 23/08/2023 09:22

she loves me in a way I can’t understand at all
Do you think, as another poster said, that you have buried that feeling, because you knew it was not worth feeling? It's too painful to feel it?

My mother was not as bad as yours but she was extremely difficult. I remember once in school a bully mocking me by saying something about me wanting to go home to my mum. I replied "I hate my mum" and was honestly surprised the bully looked shocked, as I thought most people hated their mum at that age.

When I'm ill or fed up, sometimes I'd still like to just have someone come and look after me, taking away all my responsibilities and giving me permission to just get better. I spent five days in hospital once and it was weirdly lovely - I was in pain but also wrapped in cotton wool, with nothing to do. Can you relate to that at all?

Yes, I can totally relate. And in another weird way, I revel in being totally by myself because there is no-one failing to live up to the exceptions I have of them.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 23/08/2023 13:42

Outdamnspot23 · 23/08/2023 09:24

My mum isn’t even that bad, just bad tempered and with difficulty (it seems to me) dealing with emotions, but I relate to you OP. It was always my dad I wanted when dad or hurt, even now if I have good or bad news to share I’m glad if I get hold of him as he’ll share my emotions. My mum will usually say something irrelevant or harsh. I don’t think she means it and she may send a nice message days later, I think she’s just emotionally stunted by her own childhood. Eg if I told her I was pregnant she might say something like “isn’t the world overpopulated enough?” But then 2 days later would ring or write to say how pleased she is and other nice things. No surprise I usually feel that longing for my dad if anyone, since he’d do something normal like say congratulations and give me a hug.

Can also totally relate to this. My Dad was of his generation but I knew I was loved by him whereas I always wondered where the same attention was with my mother. I vividly remember at 17 me and my pal were going to see Swan Lake. She had to cancel at the last minute so I instinctively knew to ask my Dad if he wanted to go, rather than my Mum. He shared the joy whereas she'd be non-plussed and staring at her watch wondering when it was going to end. It was such a superb show and to have shared that with my Dad was special. He used to take me golfing and actually spent some time with me. My mother never put herself out in the same way

VoluptuaGoodshag · 23/08/2023 13:43

LubaLuca · 23/08/2023 09:26

This chimes with me, and it's something I've been thinking about more in recent months. I've recently been through a miserable, life-changing period in my life, and I haven't told my mum about any of it. I don't need or want her support, I never have.

Gawd I could have written this post. I tell her nothing coz she'd be no support whatsoever - I'll stand on my own two feet and work it out for myself without her.

Fran2023 · 23/08/2023 13:44

I also don’t know that feeling of just wanting your Mum. But I made sure that I mothered my son differently!

VoluptuaGoodshag · 23/08/2023 13:45

LegDayAgain · 23/08/2023 09:43

So much of your posts really similar to my childhood - taking credit for my achievements, never going to parents evenings, awkwardness when she puts on a show of caring when in public…

And the hospital thing! I was badly injured as a child and spent a few weeks in hospital and loved it there. I didn’t want to get better. In fact when I realised I was getting well enough to go home I felt really down.

I like the idea of caring for your inner child and looking after yourself in that way.

The post about being a flower and not getting any sun 😢 that’s exactly how I feel when I look at my DD. She’s so strong, happy, confident and comfortable in her own skin. I sometimes wonder how I’d have turned out if I was loved.

To all of you who went through this - you are lovable. I used to put “kisses” in my dds pocket when I dropped her off at nursery and tell her to reach in and get one whenever she needed it. Pop a few in your pocket from me xx

OK that got me filling up. Thankyou. A stranger on the internet giving more support than my mother ever did x

Wenfy · 23/08/2023 13:46

I totally 100% get this. My DC come to me for comfort when they’re hurt whereas I used to actively try to find ways to be alone. Even now I dread going to my parents’ house.

80s · 23/08/2023 13:50

natura · 23/08/2023 08:52

Those of you who had mothers like this and went on to have kids, how did you feel confident having them, and then go on to do differently?

I'm choosing not to have kids because I can feel elements of my mother's parenting so deep in my bones that I'm terrified of inflicting it on a child and not being capable of avoiding it.

I'm so impressed by the courage of people who choose to try, and who manage to break the cycle as brilliantly as you seem to have done, OP.

I had two much younger sisters, and been a babysitter and au pair, and had a great time with the children. Obviously that doesn't involve actual parenting but I knew I wouldn't fly into a rage or anything.

It was an issue working out good strategies to replace the shit ones. This was before the internet! And over time I realised that there were other things my mum had done that I hadn't realised were also a bit shit, so I had to work that out too on the fly.

In retrospect, though, I think the biggest issue was that I thought I knew less about relationships and parenting than my exh, who had a "good" childhood. So instead of listening to my gut feeling, I accepted more nonsense from him than I should have.

But recently I had a discussion with my daughter about parenting, and she said something along the lines of knowing that she'd had a nice childhood. I asked if she could remember anything I did that she would do differently, and she couldn't think of anything off the cuff. (I'm sure she'll do loads differently, but at least she didn't have a list handy!)

toddlermom99 · 23/08/2023 14:01

100% relate. I find zero comfort in my parents, in fact I couldn't think of anything worse than being around them if I was in discomfort! How lovely that your daughter finds you a comfort though, I hope my son feels the same when he's older

Redannie118 · 23/08/2023 14:35

I had this EXACT situation a few months ago. My lovely 21 year old 6ft7 DS had a rotten tummy bug and told me when he was throwing up he just wanted me. That really shook me as i had never ever wanted my mum. DM was a classic narc and I was very much the scapegoat. Never any love, kindness or affection, just hate and anger. That never changed as I got older, despite me almost dying giving birth, having such severe PND I was hallucinating, abuse from my DH and diagnosed with 2 severe chronic illnesses. If i ever asked for help, she took great delight in telling me I was selfish. She was always there for my golden child brother and sister for the tiniest little thing though.

Despite this I held on to the hope that I she would be there if I really needed her. That came at height of first lockdown when I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. I was already immune suppressed due to chronic illness and my large team of doctors were very very worried about me. She didnt give a toss. Brushed me off when I first told her.Talked over test reults. Demanded I still shopped and did odd jobs for her even while I was having radiotherapy.

Final straw was when I was told radiotherapy had permenantly damaged my lungs. She told me " For God sake, its just cancer, dont expect me to mollycoddle you !!" That was it. Been NC ever since.

It has been very healing to care for all 3 of my lovely now grown children and to have them " want their mum" . Im so glad I got the chance to give them that.

Overdemanding · 23/08/2023 14:38

It's so important and well done for being able to achieve that for DD despite not knowing it yourself.

My dad was recently diagnosed with cancer at 79 and told me with tears in his eyes how much he wanted his mum.

roarrfeckingroar · 23/08/2023 14:41

Different situ because my mum died when I was v young but yes I find it a bit alien and also heartbreaking when I hear it. I hope I'm always there for my two.

gamerchick · 23/08/2023 14:46

Ah my kids are the same. Even middle kid who's got his own life and pad will ring when he's ill and ask for the same comfort bits I got for him when he was little and poorly.

I never wanted my own mother. She's not a nice person. I think she actually enjoyed any pain I was in tbh.

flapjackfairy · 23/08/2023 15:02

unfortunately my mum always manages to make things worse if I open up to her . She has never been much emotional support in fact quite the opposite. She unerringly manages to find my achilles heel every time and I end up feeling more rubbish about myself as a result. .So I just give v neutral generic information that doesn't provide ammunition.
In fact before reading this thread I had never realised that it has never even occurred to me to think about needing my mum. I have been fully independent since I left home at 18.

Mariposa26 · 23/08/2023 15:25

how wonderful your daughter feels like this when you didn’t have that. You’ve broken the cycle. That’s amazing!

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