Never “just wanted your mum”

[LegDayAgain]

My DD and I were chatting (she’s 15) and she hadn’t been well over the weekend when she was with her dad. She told me “you know when you just want your mum?”
when you’re feeling rubbish.

And I felt totally blank. My mum was cold, neglectful, physically abusive and utterly disinterested in me and I never saw her (or my dad - also abusive) as a source of comfort.

much as I love the fact my dd does feel this way about me, it really struck me how much I missed out on as a child.

Anyone else relate?

Thanks of those of you who answered about how you've gone on to have kids of your own after a childhood like this. I just don't think it's a risk I can take, but I am happy to know that it's possible.

I never think of my mum in bad times, or miss her day-to-day – she and I haven't been in touch for many years now – but I think I do miss her on a subconscious level.

And the thing that tells me that is the thought that flits through my mind whenever someone tells me "won't you regret it when she dies?"

Because I have the feeling that part of me (wrapped in layers of horror and shame) will be glad when she dies, because it's only then that I'll be able to go to her house, be around her belongings, see how she lived, and get to know my mother without fear of attack. Finally I'll get to spend time with my mother in peace, and calm, and maybe even love.

I think I really want to know her; to understand her; to connect with her, and I always will. I just can't fulfil that desire without opening myself up for pain.

I'm the same, had no relationship with my mother, she wasn't warm and caring, yet she was to my sister who is 7 years younger.

I broke the mould bringing up my son with whom I had a great relationship with, until he met a girlfriend and later wife who resented our closeness.

My mum died when I was small. I also said to my kids I was making it up as we went along. They're pretty great.

Yes, I totally understand this, I feel exactly the same way as you and it's a source of constant sadness. My mum was vile to me and I think she wished I hadn't been born.

I totally get this and you’ve put it across very eloquently.

My kids are teens now and I've said the same. Just been open that sometimes I find it hard to know the right thing because I never had a mum that showed me care. I've never gone into specifics but they know that my upbringing was grim. They are awesome teens and when my dd comes to me when she has a problem or even just the way she tells me all about her day and her friends etc makes me feel I'm doing something right.

@NoraLuka Narcissistic mothers need to keep anyone who you might confide in about how you were being treated at arm’s length. Isolating you is a big part of ensuring her public persona was kept in tact.she achieved this by telling you how unlikeable you were so when usual difficulties arise in a friendship group you had no skills to handle conflict or resolution, you just believed you were unlikeable or unworthy of friends. I bet in real life you are just lovely. Be kind to yourself and put yourself out there to find friendships.

@BigButtons absolutely agree about the collection of waifs and strays. I think it is a pathological need to be ‘better’ than someone or fulfil a saintly public persona. My mother did this. Absolutely gave zero time, energy to her own family choosing to spend most evenings out of the house. It was very upsetting as a child as it caused immense tension between my parents leading to even more eggshell treading. naturally, anyone who was richer, smarter, better at motherhood/housekeeping etc was to be avoided at all costs. Usually these people were run down with nasty comments about how vain/houseproud etc they were. I bet most of us had a mother who said things like ‘a home should be lived in’ or ‘it might be untidy but it’s clean’ (it really wasn’t) all designed to leave children thinking doing nothing normal like washing/cleaning etc was somehow normal behaviour. Obviously trips to friends houses revealed this not to be the case.

@natura after my mother died, going through her belongings only confirmed how batshit she was which was affirming for me. Be prepared though not to find the answers you might want or need. Removing yourself from the potential hurt is absolutely the right decision. As for ‘what will everyone else say’ about why you are NC, those who know you and love you will not judge. Anyone who judges will have been carefully selected by your mother to make you feel guilty. Ignore them.

@Survivingrubbishmothering ah yes the friendship issues.
when I was a young teen my mum used to tell me to go out with my friends and not come back home BEFORE 11. There was no curfew. If I came home before 11 - which I often did because my friends parents had given them a curfew time-she would ask me why. What was wrong with me? Didn’t my friends like me enough to stay out with me?
she actually used to set up evenings whereby I had to go round to HER friends’ houses- grown adult women- and spend the evening drinking wine with them. She loaned me her friends because I wasn’t able to find decent ones of my own.
Although she would often slag these friends of her off and then literally cut them out of her life if they did something to upset her.
She was always telling me there was something wrong with my friends or me.
I am 55 years old and still believe that I am merely suffered by my friends, that I am faulty and intrinsically unlikeable .
she used to tell me I was prickly and difficult to like. She also told me I was a narcissist.

@BigButtons ah yes, the cutting dead of ‘friends’ tick. The suggestion that it is you there is something so wrong with that you need professional help. Tick.

I also bet you are a lovely friend too.