Husband has angry outbursts then apologises - then it happens again

[Batima]

I was hoping for some advice here....

When I've tried to challenge my husband on something, he has often had angry outbursts. Often it's been when I've brought up an issue that we disagree on and try to discuss it. He has shouted so loudly at me and has been dismissive and derogatory (e.g. he's called me a nag, shouts me down, says he won't discuss it anymore, tells me I've picked up habits from my mum who he describes as a nag/henpecker (she isn't!)), and he sometimes does mocking impressions of me).

But after he's had outbursts, if he knows I'm upset, he apologises. He tells me he's sorry, often buys flowers, says he loves me more then anything, that he's a work in progress, and that he'd be devastated if he ever lost me. He tells me that he's beating himself up over it. When he's like this, I believe that he really loves me and that he is genuinely sorry, and I feel I have to comfort him because he seems to feel so bad about it.

But after a while, it has happened again. And then he is very apologetic and very loving afterwards again. And I believe he is genuinely sorry.

This keeps happening.

One example is last night. I tried to bring up something he'd done that had bothered me. He shouted so loudly and banged the table so hard that glasses rolled. He said that if he'd known I'd turn out like this - like my mum - he wouldn't have married me. He then started shouting and calling me selfish for using the washing machine three times that day, when he needed it (I didn't know he needed it, and one of the washes had been for OUR sheets!).

I got upset and he said sorry. Today, he has bought flowers, keeps coming in to say sorry, and says he feels really bad about himself. I believe that he's genuinely sorry and that he loves me.

But now I am starting to doubt that it won't happen again. But I find it hard to not be persuaded by all his apologies. I'm wondering whether I'm being too forgiving and hopeful.

I would be grateful for any advice or of any similar experiences.

We don't yet have kids.

Look up the cycle of abuse Op
Don't have any children
Get away from him

You could find out all the reasons he's like this, and there will be a few, but it doesn't mean you need to live like this.

Has he had some trauma in his life? What's his relationship with his parents like?
There'll be some issues in his past and he should get counselling.

You should not have children with an angry man prone to outbursts and shouldn't actually subject yourself to a miserable life with him.

What has he done to show that he’s sorry? I don’t mean words or flowers, I mean actual genuine actions to change how he’s behaving?

Things like anger management courses, been to the doctors to discuss it and see if there is an underlying cause, come up with a system where you can both shut down a conversation and really stuck to it, asked you what he can do to make amends and put it into place etc.

Cycle of abuse.

He is abusive. A loving husband would have angry outbursts NEVER. A loving husband would never call you names, put you down, enjoy upsetting you.

A bunch of flowers is worth zilch. In fact it's offensive. It seems as though it's become a currency for him. One angry outburst and some name calling costs him a bunch of flowers and some empty promises.

Nah

He needs to go to counselling to find out why he’s treated you so awfully. How do his parents talk to each other?

If he won’t agree to go and get help I would end the marriage, otherwise you’ll be walking on eggshells all of your life.

I do have experience of this as my DH use to behave in a similar way, after a few years I’d had enough and I said he had to leave. He asked for one more chance if he’d go to counselling, I agreed and the counselling helped him enormously. A lot of stuff came out about his awful childhood, but the temper absolutely vanished. So I do believe people can change but they have to want to.

I should add actually that my H never called me names or mocked me, he “only” used to lose his temper, shout and then storm out.

Very thankfully you don't have dc yet op.
The only one to change this repeated scenario is YOU..
by getting rid of your abuser... Because it is abuse. Imagine a small dc beside you when he is acting this way... Because bringing a dc into this life with him would be an offence surely? Add in sleepless nights and lack of money and things will escalate for certain.
Ime. My adult ds still has therapy from such a df and I ltb when ds was 7..totally my fault for staying so long.

Don't have kids with him op.

Voice of experience here.

If you do ask him to go to counselling, don't end up agreeing to relationship counselling instead. It's not recommended where there are abusive behaviours. He needs to address his issues.

That must be horrible to live with and quite frankly I'd be packing my bags. Apologies aren't enough when he keeps doing the same thing again and again.

I'd hate the way he brings your mum into it, too.

What's his relationship like with his own mum? What's he like if he argues with her/his own family?

He's not sorry enough to actually change, and that's the truth of the matter.

Get out of the relationship asap. I married a bad tempered man who went into moods for no reason at all. Unlike you I never got an apology - I ended up apologising for stuff I hadnt even done. I never got flowers just ignored and we had two kids. He is an abuser get out now. This is verbal abuse and you do not deserve it - do not be a doormat I wish I had stood up to him but I was walking on eggshells. You deserve better x

Does he behave like this anywhere else or with anyone else?

Bet he doesn't...

I don’t know why but when I read your post I imagined him as an old man who was declining into dementia and then you said that you haven’t had children yet so you are young. This is a terrible way to be treated. You must get out while you are still young enough and can meet someone much nicer to settle down with - if that is what you want.

Thanks for the replies which are really appreciated.

He has had a happy childhood and hasn't really had any serious trauma.

@Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday , you're right, if a small DC were in the room when he's shouting it would be awful for them.

I'm sorry about what you had to go through @Mummykins54 - thank you for sharing.

Please please do not have kids with him

Op reread you own op and imagine you were someone else, what would you advise?

Don’t have children, the abuse often gets worse during pregnancy and as you say, awful for children to witness this level of abuse.
It is also so much easier to separate permanently without children.
You shouldn’t be treated like this OP.

Yes please don’t start a family with him. You deserve better than that. He wouldn’t treat you like that if he really cared for you. Do yourself a favour and get out of the relationship. Don’t stay holding onto the idea that he won’t do it again or he’ll get better when this behaviour is repeated. Your future self will thank you for it.

How long have you been married?

His behaviour will gradually get worse over time, the flowers and apologies will stop and it will just be part of your life.

Please consider your future with this man, you're setting yourself up for a truly miserable time, I'm so sorry.

You need to leave or persuade him to get help.

Flowers mean nothing

Actions speak louder than words

Leave now op

Leave now before he turns to violence and starts to beat you. Don’t waste your time and money on counselling - it doesn’t and won’t work. He knows he is cruel to you and yet he continues to do it. He won’t change. You must change and do it before it’s too late.