Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has angry outbursts then apologises - then it happens again

140 replies

Batima · 22/08/2023 19:00

I was hoping for some advice here....

When I've tried to challenge my husband on something, he has often had angry outbursts. Often it's been when I've brought up an issue that we disagree on and try to discuss it. He has shouted so loudly at me and has been dismissive and derogatory (e.g. he's called me a nag, shouts me down, says he won't discuss it anymore, tells me I've picked up habits from my mum who he describes as a nag/henpecker (she isn't!)), and he sometimes does mocking impressions of me).

But after he's had outbursts, if he knows I'm upset, he apologises. He tells me he's sorry, often buys flowers, says he loves me more then anything, that he's a work in progress, and that he'd be devastated if he ever lost me. He tells me that he's beating himself up over it. When he's like this, I believe that he really loves me and that he is genuinely sorry, and I feel I have to comfort him because he seems to feel so bad about it.

But after a while, it has happened again. And then he is very apologetic and very loving afterwards again. And I believe he is genuinely sorry.

This keeps happening.

One example is last night. I tried to bring up something he'd done that had bothered me. He shouted so loudly and banged the table so hard that glasses rolled. He said that if he'd known I'd turn out like this - like my mum - he wouldn't have married me. He then started shouting and calling me selfish for using the washing machine three times that day, when he needed it (I didn't know he needed it, and one of the washes had been for OUR sheets!).

I got upset and he said sorry. Today, he has bought flowers, keeps coming in to say sorry, and says he feels really bad about himself. I believe that he's genuinely sorry and that he loves me.

But now I am starting to doubt that it won't happen again. But I find it hard to not be persuaded by all his apologies. I'm wondering whether I'm being too forgiving and hopeful.

I would be grateful for any advice or of any similar experiences.

We don't yet have kids.

OP posts:
justanotherparrot · 22/08/2023 22:28

Has he had to start taking medication for anything? Sometimes this can cause personality changes- or has he always been like this?

OffOnMyHols · 22/08/2023 22:28

@Batima agree with PP this is just abusive and there are no excuses. I imagine he’s great with friends and doesn’t shout at work colleagues just you, which means he’s totally able to control his temper when he wants to just feels it’s ok to let rip at you because you’re just not that important. A bunch of flowers isn’t going to change anything.

Nicole1111 · 22/08/2023 22:35

What you’re describing is text book in terms of the cycle of abuse. I’d urge you to spend some time looking at this wheel and thinking about other abuse that might be a feature of your relationship and you might not have recognised.

Husband has angry outbursts then apologises - then it happens again
Husband has angry outbursts then apologises - then it happens again
OhcantthInkofaname · 22/08/2023 22:37

It will happen again. Right now he's in what is called the honeymoon phase where he's making up to you for what he's done. He will do it again and it will become increasingly violent. It is verbal abuse. (But it stopped you from having a reasonable discussion and resolving the first issue).

billy1966 · 22/08/2023 22:45

You are in an abusive relationship.

Do not inflict this bullying abusive angry man on a child.

You know well what he is like.

Don't inflict him on a child.

Ifvyoubwantbto listen and believe his bullshit, that is your choice to waste your life and throw it away.

But don't inflict him on a child.

summerytop · 22/08/2023 22:46

He's an abusive man, sorry OP (been there)

WallaceinAnderland · 22/08/2023 22:51

Classic abuse.

Of course he's not sorry and of course he won't change,

It will get worse.

Also, he will try to isolate you from your family so watch out for that.

jannier · 22/08/2023 23:11

Run it's already abuse and will probably get worse but even if it doesn't it will destroy you

Didsomeonesaydogs · 22/08/2023 23:20

Apologies without changed behaviour is manipulation.

Pallisers · 22/08/2023 23:28

When he's like this, I believe that he really loves me and that he is genuinely sorry, and I feel I have to comfort him because he seems to feel so bad about it.

So he abuses you, shouts at you, mocks you, has a go at your mother.

Then he buys a bunch of flowers and sits back so you can make him feel better about his abusive behaviour.

What a tosser. I would say the only way this relationship could be saved is if the very first time he behaved like this your reaction was over the top unaccepting of it and you threw him out or left him yourself. Might possibly have given him the sharp shock he needed to figure himself out. But that didn't happen and he has you nicely trapped in a cycle of abuse.

And even if you did sort him out first time, what kind of man erupts in anger like that at his wife. I'm married 30 years and we've had some humdingers of disagreements along the way but we've never ever done any of the things you described him doing - no shouting, no namecalling, no mocking.

Starlightstarbright2 · 22/08/2023 23:30

I tell my teen he isn’t sorry if he keeps repeating the same behaviour .

I ask this why would anything change … he can say what he wants , buy flowers, and carry on … no real consequences…

He will be training you every time there will be more .. you can’t question him or you are a nag , then you will still be wrong about something.

fetchacloth · 22/08/2023 23:35

It's abuse plain and simple.

Grendell · 23/08/2023 00:17

It's the cycle that will keep you there because you remember the good times.

Original poster
Batima · 23/08/2023 13:28

Thanks all.

@OffOnMyHols it's true that he wouldn't shout at his colleagues.

But he has raised his voice at my dad twice (he thinks he has been 'interfering', which I really think is not the case and he was just trying to help). I was so mortified that he had confronted my dad.

And I know that he has shouted at his own mum for a small thing a year ago, and she was upset.

So it is not just me who he gets angry at.

OP posts:
Original poster
Batima · 23/08/2023 13:37

Hi @justanotherparrot, no he hasn't been on medication for anything. He has been like this since we got married.

Though he did also lose his temper with me a few times when we were engaged. Though back then, he didn't mock me or insult my family. 2 weeks before the wedding, I hold him I was scared about going ahead because of it and I was on the verge of cancelling it.

But he reassured me - he cried, said he was a 'work in progress' and that he wanted to be the best husband he could be. I loved him and there were lots of good things about the relationship.

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 23/08/2023 13:44

Op, please please listen to those who have experienced this. It’s the cycle of abuse. Do not inflict this angry aggressive man on a child.

ClementWeatherToday · 23/08/2023 13:53

He has been like this since we got married.

"Though he did also lose his temper with me a few times when we were engaged. Though back then, he didn't mock me or insult my family. 2 weeks before the wedding, I hold him I was scared about going ahead because of it and I was on the verge of cancelling it.*

It got worse after you got married because it always does when they think you are further trapped with them (when you move in together, or relocate to be with them, or get married - whatever you do don't have a baby with him). Abuse always escalates, it never gets better and it never stays the same.

His abuse is continuing to escalate now isn't it, him thumping the table is physical violence. My husband has NEVER been physically violent, ever. Not once.

Have you read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft? You can find it online as a pdf. Don't let him know about it, or about Mumsnet. This is a safe space for you and you need to protect it from him.

Frogger8395 · 23/08/2023 14:00

Ugh. How on earth do you respect or fuck this man baby who can’t control himself?

TheCatterall · 23/08/2023 14:01

The thing about a work in progress @Batima is that there should be work done on the issue and progress made.

hes doing no work on the issue just repeating it.

he buys you flowers and mumbles a few words.

you both move on.

be does it again.

the cycle repeats.

when he gets angry what do you do. Try to soothe and reassure him. Calm him. Wander round on tip toes…

Can you imagine what he would do if you just shouted in his face “how dare you speak to me like this! You claim you are a work in progress but you are failing miserably. Let me guess more excuses and flowers tomorrow?” And walk away. Do you worry he would react with violence. Or would it shock him out of his cycle. Would you feel safe to raise your voice to him and give him both barrels?

this is abusive behaviour and he’s not bothered about changing because he doesn’t need to as you accept it.

GingerIsBest · 23/08/2023 14:07

I feel I have to comfort him because he seems to feel so bad about it.

This is the line in your OP that scares me the most for you. Dh had significant anger issues and it almost ended our relationship. But here is the big difference between him and your H - 1. He sought help when he realised that it was a genuine issue (there was a lot of denial at first) and 2. I never once was manipulated into feeling sorry for him and like I needed to comfort him.

So while I completely believe that people with anger issues CAN work on them, I'm hesitant to say this is possible in your case I don't think your H has anger issues. I think he's abusive and controlling and uses raised voices and the cycle of abuse to keep you in your place. I bet that there are already a bunch of things you do/don't do in an effort to prevent outbursts?

Yes?

And it will only get worse and once you have children, it will probably escalate further.

If you aren't ready to walk away right now, please at least tell him that if he doesn't seek professional help right now you WILL Leave. And mean it.

OffOnMyHols · 23/08/2023 14:16

@Batima So the relationships he values like work colleagues and everyone not related to him or you, he can control his temper. I think that says it all. It’s abusive, it will escalate.

The only question is what you consider to be the tipping point. Walking on eggshells and spending your life wondering what kind of mood he’ll be in or maybe the first time he physically hits you?

Please don’t have kids with him.

GingerIsBest · 23/08/2023 14:19

OffOnMyHols · 23/08/2023 14:16

@Batima So the relationships he values like work colleagues and everyone not related to him or you, he can control his temper. I think that says it all. It’s abusive, it will escalate.

The only question is what you consider to be the tipping point. Walking on eggshells and spending your life wondering what kind of mood he’ll be in or maybe the first time he physically hits you?

Please don’t have kids with him.

Yes, this is true. And actually, my DH had anger outbursts at work, with friends etc too and it had negatively impacted his life. Because they were genuine issues rather than just a way to control me.

PS if you ask him, he'll tell you he had a happy childhood too. But let me tell you that looking from the outside, his parents were truly awful so the fact that he and his siblings all have issues that have seriously and negatively impacted their lives is not surprising.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 23/08/2023 14:22

You know you have to end it, don’t you?

WallaceinAnderland · 23/08/2023 14:31

What do you think will happen OP

Do you think he will change his behaviour ie stop angry outbursts at you

Do you think you will change your behaviour ie stop accepting his 'apologies'

Or do you think you will both continue in this toxic environment?

justanotherparrot · 23/08/2023 15:59

Batima · 23/08/2023 13:37

Hi @justanotherparrot, no he hasn't been on medication for anything. He has been like this since we got married.

Though he did also lose his temper with me a few times when we were engaged. Though back then, he didn't mock me or insult my family. 2 weeks before the wedding, I hold him I was scared about going ahead because of it and I was on the verge of cancelling it.

But he reassured me - he cried, said he was a 'work in progress' and that he wanted to be the best husband he could be. I loved him and there were lots of good things about the relationship.

Oh I am sorry, I think your husband needs some professional help. This does sound like emotional abuse.
Take some advice from the ladies on here and make a decision, sooner than later.
Good luck sweetheart.