Husband has angry outbursts then apologises - then it happens again

[Batima]

I was hoping for some advice here....

When I've tried to challenge my husband on something, he has often had angry outbursts. Often it's been when I've brought up an issue that we disagree on and try to discuss it. He has shouted so loudly at me and has been dismissive and derogatory (e.g. he's called me a nag, shouts me down, says he won't discuss it anymore, tells me I've picked up habits from my mum who he describes as a nag/henpecker (she isn't!)), and he sometimes does mocking impressions of me).

But after he's had outbursts, if he knows I'm upset, he apologises. He tells me he's sorry, often buys flowers, says he loves me more then anything, that he's a work in progress, and that he'd be devastated if he ever lost me. He tells me that he's beating himself up over it. When he's like this, I believe that he really loves me and that he is genuinely sorry, and I feel I have to comfort him because he seems to feel so bad about it.

But after a while, it has happened again. And then he is very apologetic and very loving afterwards again. And I believe he is genuinely sorry.

This keeps happening.

One example is last night. I tried to bring up something he'd done that had bothered me. He shouted so loudly and banged the table so hard that glasses rolled. He said that if he'd known I'd turn out like this - like my mum - he wouldn't have married me. He then started shouting and calling me selfish for using the washing machine three times that day, when he needed it (I didn't know he needed it, and one of the washes had been for OUR sheets!).

I got upset and he said sorry. Today, he has bought flowers, keeps coming in to say sorry, and says he feels really bad about himself. I believe that he's genuinely sorry and that he loves me.

But now I am starting to doubt that it won't happen again. But I find it hard to not be persuaded by all his apologies. I'm wondering whether I'm being too forgiving and hopeful.

I would be grateful for any advice or of any similar experiences.

We don't yet have kids.

That is chilling

Hi @ClementWeatherToday , thanks. You say that banging the table is 'physical violence'.

It is aggressive - but isn't it something that a lot of people would do when angry or fustrated? (I have never done it, and I've never seen my family do it when growing up - but then my upbringing was calm).

Well, I've never seen a man bang on a table when angry or frustrated (not my father nor my brother nor my housemates at university nor my husband) and neither have you. So on the one hand I wouldn't say it's something that a lot of people (men) do, but on the other hand as PP has discussed sadly a very large proportion of men are abusive so in that sense it probably is quite a lot of men.

But that's irrelevant. What matters here is that your husband does it. He does it as part of a pattern of behaviour that is designed to keep you in your box, get you to toe the line, make sure you never challenge him.

The implication of his violence to the table is "look what I could do to you". If you stay with him, inevitably he WILL do it to you. I imagine you'll read that and think that I'm wrong or crazy or how could she possibly know that, but I know it because your husband is not unique, he is a fairly classical abuser and his abuse is escalating in a classical manner (for example, it worsened after marriage).

Stop giving the times he is "nice" more weight than the times he is nasty. Currently you are using the times he buys flowers to "cancel out" the abuse. You (understandably) want to believe that the abusive behaviours are the anomaly and the other bits are "who he really is". Sadly, it's the opposite. He is able to pretend to be "normal" for periods of time (to get you into a relationship in the first place, and then to keep you in it), of he let the real hom out all the time you'd never have got together with him and would immediately leave now.

There should be NO abuse in a healthy relationship. None. Not some that is then passed over for a bunch of flowers. As you've noticed yourself, he doesn't actually STOP abusing you. He won't. Possibly he can't. Please leave.

@Batima I hope you can identify with this - my friend put this to me- if he was nice to me he was giving me bread crumbs. And I was grateful for that small bit of kindness like him giving you flowers. We are worth more that bread crumbs.

@batima sorry more than!

Something else he does is he says mean things when he's angry, then says afterwards that he didn't mean them and he only said them because he was angry

I've got a rule that I use for when someone says 'I didn't mean it.' It goes - I don't know what you meant. I DO know what you said/did. And proceed from there.

If he doesn't mean them then the answer is not to get angry and say them, isn't it?

The apologies will end up stopping.
He’ll continue, then say you’re nagging when you try to tell him if unhappy. It’ll end up being put up or shut up.

It will keep on happening. All the time. Again and again and again and again ... your life will be immeasurably better without him, OP.

I have this with DP but with really sour moods, not angry outbursts - and that's plenty bad enough to live with.

You could pull him up on it in a calm moment, tell him there's no future for you as a couple if this happens again.

(But it will inevitably happen again, keeping you in a vicious cycle of emotional abuse. You're better off out of it).

PS Don't have kids with him unless this gets fully resolved. With kids in the mix, his behaviour and the cycle, and leaving, and being tied to him, will be infinitely harder.

He's a living nightmare. How exhausting

@Batima you are going round in circles here no matter what everyone is saying - bottom line do you want to stay or not - you need to be honest with yourself - we can give you all the advice in the world and you have had lots of it. Only you know deep down what you want to dox

@Batima don't have children. I ignored this kind of behaviour as he was always sorry. When you have children, it's much harder to leave (and they get worse). I left with two children under 2. I wasn't going to let them think this was ok.

Don’t waste your precious life on this awful man. It will get worse. Mine eventually stopped apologising for his angry outbursts. Get out now.

IMHO flowers from a partner are only acceptable if, as well as buying them and presenting them, he/she also finds a vase, unwraps them, cuts the stalks off as advised (using the right tool, and putting it back after use), puts the little sachet in the water, arranges them, finds somewhere suitable for the vase and flowers to be displayed, and throws away the rubbish made.

Gosh yes - getting them from the shop is the easy bit!