Husband has angry outbursts then apologises - then it happens again

[Batima]

I was hoping for some advice here....

When I've tried to challenge my husband on something, he has often had angry outbursts. Often it's been when I've brought up an issue that we disagree on and try to discuss it. He has shouted so loudly at me and has been dismissive and derogatory (e.g. he's called me a nag, shouts me down, says he won't discuss it anymore, tells me I've picked up habits from my mum who he describes as a nag/henpecker (she isn't!)), and he sometimes does mocking impressions of me).

But after he's had outbursts, if he knows I'm upset, he apologises. He tells me he's sorry, often buys flowers, says he loves me more then anything, that he's a work in progress, and that he'd be devastated if he ever lost me. He tells me that he's beating himself up over it. When he's like this, I believe that he really loves me and that he is genuinely sorry, and I feel I have to comfort him because he seems to feel so bad about it.

But after a while, it has happened again. And then he is very apologetic and very loving afterwards again. And I believe he is genuinely sorry.

This keeps happening.

One example is last night. I tried to bring up something he'd done that had bothered me. He shouted so loudly and banged the table so hard that glasses rolled. He said that if he'd known I'd turn out like this - like my mum - he wouldn't have married me. He then started shouting and calling me selfish for using the washing machine three times that day, when he needed it (I didn't know he needed it, and one of the washes had been for OUR sheets!).

I got upset and he said sorry. Today, he has bought flowers, keeps coming in to say sorry, and says he feels really bad about himself. I believe that he's genuinely sorry and that he loves me.

But now I am starting to doubt that it won't happen again. But I find it hard to not be persuaded by all his apologies. I'm wondering whether I'm being too forgiving and hopeful.

I would be grateful for any advice or of any similar experiences.

We don't yet have kids.

You're looking at it the wrong way round. It's not pre-medicated in that they make an active decision to be abusive. It's that being abusive is their normal. There's no thought process that says if I'm nice for a bit then I can shout again. The thought process is 'fuck she just might leave me, better try and be nice for a bit'. Once they've done that act they think they've done enough, and they go back to being their normal self.

Thank you all.

Something else he does is he says mean things when he's angry, then says afterwards that he didn't mean them and he only said them because he was angry.

Is it true that some things come out of people's mouths in an argument that they just don't mean?

I pretty much mean everything I say.

As an example - I mentioned in my OP that he said if he'd known I'd turn out like this (i.e. a nag), he wouldn't have married me. He later said he didn't mean it.

You're right @thecatinthetwat , 'henpecker' is such a sexist word.

@Batima look up gas lighting - this is a classic example x

Does he think, 'OK, she's upset with me, I need to act loving now to hook her back in until my next outburst, whenever that is'.

Yes. As long as you accept this cycle, it will continue. But it will get gradually worse.

Is it true that some things come out of people's mouths in an argument that they just don't mean?

No. He knows exactly what phrases to use to hurt you the most. Despite you telling him and him later apologising, he continues to do it. He is dong it on purpose and will continue to do so. This will also get gradually worse.

“I didn’t mean it”. So why did he say it?
Why does the anger make him say things he didn’t mean? Why does it keep happening?

Sounds like “I didn’t mean to hit you”. Look after yourself OP - this is not a good man.

You are not posting any “I’m going to leave him” comments. When will you make your decision?

He's a work in progress and he is sorry? Sorry is a word, what actions show that he is sorry?what has he actually done to sort this? Nothing, he is just doing the same thing again. If he was truly sorry he would have researched and signed up for counselling or other therapy and be really trying to understand his behaviour and work on methods to stop this happening again. Not trying to fob you off with flowers

It’s so sad that he managed to persuade you to marry him, despite your worries.
He promised he’d change and he hasn’t.
He says things like “I didn’t mean it” “I’m sorry” etc etc
But the things he says are extremely hurtful and his temper is scary and damaging to you. He realises this because he apologises and says it won’t happen again.

He really is in last chance saloon, I’d tell him he either goes to therapy to get help or you really are leaving him.

So every time you try to discuss something, and he doesn't like what you're saying, probably because he sees it as a criticism of him, he shuts you up by frightening you and saying nasty things and mocking you?

Ask yourself, are you relaxed enough to say to him how you really feel, do you feel safe enough to tell him you're upset? Or are you worried about his reaction? Can you be your true self?

This will get worse. His behaviour was poor before you got married, and it's worsened.

Please think about your future, he's not interested in anything you say and has zero respect for you.

Sorry to be harsh but all the signs are saying you're in for a lifetime of misery with him. Please look after yourself xx

@Batima

We don't yet have kids.

Well that's one positive in this situation OP.

How many years do you think you'll be able to accept this systematic circle of abuse?

What is he doing (not you, probably walking on eggshells) to address his poor control in the way he treats you? Really, bringing you flowers after behaving and pretending alls well after he's been so aggressive is pointless. And this aggressive behaviour will only escalate the longer time goes on.

Does he behave like this to anyone else - friends, family, work colleagues, his boss - or just you? 🌹

@Batima

I strongly urge you to do the free online course from The Freedom Programme.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

(You are suffering from domestic violence….right now it’s emotional domestic violence but it will escalate into physical violence)

I’m appalled that he was verbally abusive to your dad! Your parents are probably really worried about you.

People treat you how you allow them to treat you. Don’t let it happen again. Move on and definitely don’t have kids with this man, he’s an abusive arsehole

Dear@Batima ,
What can we say to you to convince you to watch out for yourself, to love yourself? Noone else can do it for you.

Be strong. Believe in yourself. Have respect for your own life. Get away.

@roses321 thanks for the advice and I'm sorry for what you went through with your ex. I have also asked my husband to stop criticising my family, but he keeps doing it when he's angry (but then says nice things about them when he's calmed down). Sorry too @Mummykins54 about what you went through.

@GingerIsBest that's true - it's not simple when they seem genuinely sorry.

@Keyworks I'm really sorry you had to go through that - it sounds awful. It's good to hear you now have a lovely husband. Did your first husband seem kind before you got married?

Thanks for the advice from everyone else, which I have read twice. Some of you have suggested counselling. If I said 'please do counselling, otherwise I will leave' then I'm sure he'd do it. But I did get him to do a counselling session about a particular issue (money) a while back, and he went along with it and he changed for a bit, but it didn't have any fundamental impact which was very disappointing.

@Batima The advice you've been given on your previous threads 1) where he's financially abusive and 2) where he was offensive towards you over a cardigan and iirc dropped hints he fancies your sister stands for this one too.

He's an arrogant abusive gaslighting bully and you need to get out of the marriage. PDQ.

You will always be disappointed OP.

I'm so sorry.

The most important thing is that you don't have children with this man. An angry man around babies is dangerous.

If what you envisioned for your future was husband and kids and a happy family life (I imagine that WAS what you hoped for) this isn't going to happen with your husband.

Big hugs OP, you sound lovely, and you desrve better than this x

I would be grateful for any advice

Leave. Life is too short for that sh*t and I don't believe he'll change.

Having been in a similar relationship @Batima, I can 100% say that it will not get better unless your DH is forced to do something. My ex was exactly the same - had a massive go at me about things, apologised, things calmed down for a while, he'd get worked up about something (usually work, in his case) and he'd have another massive blow up at me to relieve his tension. And repeat, until I was constantly walking on eggshells and then finally plucked up the courage to leave him.

My ex promised more times than I could count that he'd go to anger management counselling - do you think he did? Nope. In the end I understood that he'd never go to it or look into anything similar, because he just didn't get that what he was doing is wrong and made my life an utter misery.

Please, just get out whilst you can - life is far too short to spend your time appeasing someone like this.

It’s emotional abuse, he won’t change. Mine never did, and spent the better part of a decade snapping at me in constant irritation, screaming in my face, calling me crazy and manipulative if i got upset, mocking me, slamming doors and objects, and gaslighting me. I left him two years ago and he still denies it happened and denies that it affected the DC.

Leave, for your own sake.

Oh god is this the cardigan botherer? I mean this kindly OP, but I don't know how many more people you need to tell you that this guy is an absolute piece of shit. He's not a 'work in progress' 🙄 he's a childish, selfish, controlling, gaslighting, abusive waste of your time and energy.

Whatever else you do, please do NOT get pregnant with him. You deserve so much better.

He needs anger management classes. He needs to learn how to control his anger without being physically aggressive and without purposefully saying the things he knows will hurt you the most. He needs to learn how to manage his temper. He also needs to learn how to communicate without taking offence. Saying sorry is pointless if he isn’t looking for any help to actually change it so that it won’t happen again.

Oh lawks is it cardigan guy?

That was a grim read.

This is awful you don't deserve to live like this. Please run away. I know when it's good it's so good and he's not always like this etc etc trust me I've been there. But you need to get rid before you have children unless you want a username like mine!

Remember, If you can only have a nice evening together when you are pretending you don't have needs thoughts and feelings. You're not really having a nice evening x

yeah it is cardigan and financial shite guy. The only good thing about these posts are that OP hasn't had children with him.

OP PLEASE do not get pregnant. Your whole life is ahead of you. Getting pregnant by this fucker will seriously affect you for a long long time.

OP, I have been married for 30 years. I could certainly come up with one "can't believe he did this" post in that time - except I told him how I felt and he was mortified and apologised. but I couldn't come up with three. You have 3 posts about your husband being mean to you. The last one - he is angry, says awful things slams the table (NO PEOPLE DON'T DO THIS) and is angry at your family - and then feels bad and you have to make him feel better about himself (hw has your number) seriously OP. Is this the life you want?

He is an angry mean man. You know it. get out.