Husband has angry outbursts then apologises - then it happens again

[Batima]

I was hoping for some advice here....

When I've tried to challenge my husband on something, he has often had angry outbursts. Often it's been when I've brought up an issue that we disagree on and try to discuss it. He has shouted so loudly at me and has been dismissive and derogatory (e.g. he's called me a nag, shouts me down, says he won't discuss it anymore, tells me I've picked up habits from my mum who he describes as a nag/henpecker (she isn't!)), and he sometimes does mocking impressions of me).

But after he's had outbursts, if he knows I'm upset, he apologises. He tells me he's sorry, often buys flowers, says he loves me more then anything, that he's a work in progress, and that he'd be devastated if he ever lost me. He tells me that he's beating himself up over it. When he's like this, I believe that he really loves me and that he is genuinely sorry, and I feel I have to comfort him because he seems to feel so bad about it.

But after a while, it has happened again. And then he is very apologetic and very loving afterwards again. And I believe he is genuinely sorry.

This keeps happening.

One example is last night. I tried to bring up something he'd done that had bothered me. He shouted so loudly and banged the table so hard that glasses rolled. He said that if he'd known I'd turn out like this - like my mum - he wouldn't have married me. He then started shouting and calling me selfish for using the washing machine three times that day, when he needed it (I didn't know he needed it, and one of the washes had been for OUR sheets!).

I got upset and he said sorry. Today, he has bought flowers, keeps coming in to say sorry, and says he feels really bad about himself. I believe that he's genuinely sorry and that he loves me.

But now I am starting to doubt that it won't happen again. But I find it hard to not be persuaded by all his apologies. I'm wondering whether I'm being too forgiving and hopeful.

I would be grateful for any advice or of any similar experiences.

We don't yet have kids.

It is YOU who needs counseling @Batima!!!

Don't even think of joint counseling with your abuser.

What else do you need from the collective wisdom of Mumsnet? It's absolutely clear that you need to leave this abuser.

You don't have children, thank God, so what is stopping you from saving yourself?

I’ve just read your previous posts and unfortunately it’s very clear you’re in a domestic abuse relationship. If you look at the spokes of the power and control wheel it’s clear he’s used economic abuse, emotional abuse, using isolation (who can stay at yours) and using male privilege (about what you wear). I suspect if you took the time to look at the rest of the spokes you’d find other ways in which he is abusive. I think as a matter of urgency you should get yourself on the freedom programme. You can find this online if you don’t want to complete a course in person. I would also strongly recommend that you DON’T attempt counselling with your husband as it is widely recognised by professionals that it is ineffective in dealing with domestic abuse and it can increase the risk.

Don't do counselling with a man like this. I did and I will tell you what happened.

He acted like he was very worried about me and my mental health issues. He wasn't honest or accountable at all. He used counselling as a weapon. When I felt too unsafe to recount childhood abuse with him next to me he laid into me and told me I couldn't even take part and I was the reason it wasn't working. The counsellor suggested I had cptsd and he used that to blame me for everything.

It doesn't work because they manipulate.

You should look up the freedom program and in particular a type of man called "the persuader" because that is your partner to a tee.

Just read your other posts. 100% he knows what he's doing and this is abusive and planned.

Please speak with womens aid about this. Please! You're in a coercive controlling relationship.

Speak with your parents as well. They've experienced it first hand so they would be glad to help you get away from him.

You're falling into the classic trap that he's your problem to solve. He really, really isn't. So many women have been conditioned to believe they have to treat a man like a project and if they're unhappy we somehow have to fix it.

But these kind of men aren't unhappy because we haven't done something right/been enough for them. They're abusive. I bet he's perfectly able to be happy in other situations without banging the table or being abusive to his friends/colleagues/family. He's saving this for you.

Don't stay with him. He won't improve. Someone this manipulative isn't capable of a truly loving, respectful relationship.

I wish you all the best OP - but you are not listening and I feel sorry for you. I hope you don’t become another statistic.

I was married to a man like this for 40+ years. He died in 2019 aged 67. I regret that I didn’t leave him sooner. You need to do some serious thinking Batima. Certainly don’t have children with him unless he can address his problems and seek help.

I wish you well Batima and hope that can stay strong 💐
I was married to someone who behaved like your partner for 12 years and it nearly finished me. Once the hitting started I had to end our marriage as I didn't feel safe being in the same house as him 😪.

I didn’t realise it was Mr Cardigan - multiple threads, multiple issues, he is awful, a nasty bully.

Now you know that you are living with an abusive man, it's up to you whether or not you chose to continue this. It's your life, makes no difference to any of the posters who are here trying to help you. If you decide to stay then so be it. You have free will.

However, if you create a child with this man, you are subjecting that child to his abuse too which is inexcusable and actually would make you as bad as him. That poor innocent baby does not deserve to be born into a life of misery and have to suffer until they are old enough to break away. Their whole life would be affected negatively, as you can see has happened to you.

Stay if you want but do not be that person who makes a child suffer.

@Batima I echo cycle of abuse but what is worse is that your brain will get addicted to it. Its called trauma bonding and means you will waste years of your life with a man who doesn't love or respect you and enjoys harming you like this because your brain gets addicted to the highs and lows of the cycle.

Get yourself free now. You'll regret it so much later if you don't

Oh God, I remember the constant irritation and snappiness from my ex @KnitFastDieWarm. The sighing, the muttering, the comments that I was so stupid that I just didn't understand the very simple things he was asking me to do... like be apologetic for my very existence. He once lost a dry cleaning ticket for a very expensive suit - left his wallet somewhere when out with work - asked me to collect the suit from the dry cleaners on my way past as they knew him and it shouldn't be a problem without a ticket. I tried, they very politely told me that it seemed to have been collected already... he went BALLISTIC at me, even though it was in no way my fault. Honestly, he screamed at me solidly for over half an hour for 'letting someone take it', and only apologised once the dry cleaners called him to say sorry, their mistake, the suit was there all along

@Batima, I do hope this thread has been some support to you, I only wish I'd had such a sounding board when I was with my ex. Please, please make yourself happy and make a new life for yourself without this man... do you really want another fifty/ sixty/ seventy years with him?! Sending you the very best wishes for your future

@Batima trauma bonding is real - I used to end up apologizing for things that I hadn't even done. I have been called a bad parent, wife, crazy, an a/hole, vile. The list is endless yet he never took responsibility for any of his behaviour.

Someone who really loves you would treat you with respect, love and support and most of all with dignity and appreciation. Get out now please

It's anger management issue that he probably might have learned through his childhood upbringing. I presume his nature isn't bad and it's not abuse. He probably doesn't know how to handle anger. If he is aware of his issue, then there's a chance that he tried to find a solution to his own issue. However if he doesn't know that and it keeps going on without improving, it'll be stressful for you.

@Keyworks I can identify with that. This also happened to me 6 months prior to our wedding. We always spent new years eve together and he decided that he was spending it with his friend instead. I was really upset and I was told to just get on with it. That should have been a red flag. Once we were married and even before the kids arrived he would go into moods for no reason but it worsened when the kids arrived constantly asking me what is wrong with dad today? Walking on eggshells daily - getting told off for putting a toilet roll into recycling which still had 2 bits of roll on it! IT IS Abuse!!!!

@roses321 I'm sorry that your ex was manipulative about the counselling. Thanks for the Freedom programme suggestion.

Hi @Lolalady - thanks for this advice and I'm sorry.

@Keyworks , that's interesting. I remember several 'red flags' that I excused because he was so nice the rest of the time. They weren't as bad as things that happened after we married though.

@Mummykins54 that is so ridiculous that he's getting annoyed about that!

How many people are like my husband? None of my boyfriends before him ever lost their temper at me. Have I just been really unlucky? I made excuses because I loved lots of things about him. I'm finding it hard to accept that this has happened.

The 2022 crime survey estimated that 6.9% of women (1.7 million) and 3.0% of men (699,000) experienced domestic abuse in the previous year. I’m also aware that a woman dies at the hands of a current or ex partner approximately every 4 days in the uk. To summarise I’d say it’s an epidemic, only one that isn’t well reported

hi @Batima

my (ex) husband was like this. The abuse got worse after we married and (much) worse after we had children. He punched me when DC1 was a baby for saying it was his turn to get up in the night and semi regularly would have massive rages over very minor matters, screaming abuse, smashing things etc. This would happen in front of the children. I ended the marriage last year.

They do it because they can and because it works for them. I am a very confident, assertive professional woman but I adapted my behaviour to manage his moods. I never asked him to get up in the night after that incident. What a win for him. I never nagged him about making the bed properly after he ripped the bedroom apart, pulling the mattress off the bed and pushing me against the wall when I was pregnant. Another win. I know this sounds dramatic and you might think he’s never physical with you/you’d leave if he hit you - I thought that too. It’s hard to leave when you have a little baby.

You also asked if they mean what they say - I don’t think they necessarily do but in a way I think that’s worse. My ex would say the most horrible things in a fight, not because he thought they were true necessarily but because they were designed to be as hurtful as possible and shut me down.

My ex also NEVER showed this behaviour around friends or colleagues, only me, sometimes his mum and once or twice minor incidents in front of my parents. People who he thought had to cop it.

Honestly- please leave. Best case scenario he might realise his behaviour is appalling and take meaningful steps to address is - intensive therapy etc - and your relationship might have a future. Unlikely but really IMO that’s the only possible option for a future functional, happy marriage with this man.

Also can I add @Batima your H does not have an anger management problem. People with anger management problems lose their temper at work, with friends etc. He can control himself. He has an abuse problem (like my ex).

A corollary to this - I thought for many years (we were together 21 in total, 13 married) that my ex was an essentially nice/good person with an anger problem. I now realise he was essentially a selfish/abusive person who could sometimes be nice (e.g. when we were on holiday and everything was absolutely perfect, no stress) or mask (around friends or at work). I lived for holidays and obsessively planned them so we could have “nice” moments. Now I am a single mum with my kids and much less materially privileged, but I am happy every day.

I am now in a new relationship with someone who adores me, and whom I adore and respect. He is my biggest cheerleader and I feel absolutely safe with him - physically and emotionally. He would grow wings and fly to the moon before he would call me names or lay a finger on me. Being in a relationship with him is easy (even though ist long distance so it’s logistically hard!). This, I’ve now realised, is the norm - not the toxic shitheap I suffered during my marriage. You deserve it too.

I would have dumped this abusive pos the moment he started bad mouthing my mother

How does he respond if you say something when the children are around / in the house?

https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/