Ah Amy, I have so much to say having walked in your shoes. Here is some advice and some empathy rolled up into one.
> It's normal to be in denial to a degree and expect it to take 3 - 6 months for your brain to have fully understood the betrayal. Infidelity - if we trust our partner is like a death but worse in some senses. It violates your deepest beliefs about the world and causes significant trauma.
> It is normal to to not immediately want to give up your entire life! Doing so - especially while broken hearted is incredibly hard and initially staying often feels easier.
> It is very hard to do this with a child - particularly if she's not his - because you know leaving means changing two lives and it's not an easy decision. It's also not easy to pack and bag and go off for a few weeks. I had a child when this happened to me too.
These are some horrible truths you might need to adjust to, and it's hard to say but I wish I had accepted these realities from day one rather than remaining in denial.
> Nobody takes a woman home drunk for any reason of any kind EVER unless they are fully intending to shag them.
> Most people after they cheat don't tell you the whole truth. My exOH lied out of his backside because he was terrified of losing me. This meant the full truth came out over 8 months and was much more agonising because of that.
> When we love people, we consider them to be basically decent. We think they will look after us and that we can trust them. That isn't always true. Cheaters have something running through them which makes them capable of doing things most people couldn't. It means they can love you until the cows come home and still be capable of putting their dick into someone else because they like the feeling.
> After the shock wears off, it will probably hurt a lot. And the humiliation and anger will follow. It'll be anger the likes of which you can't comprehend right now. And the pain will last for years, if not forever. Some people recover better than others but what he has given you is a wound you don't let comprehend.
> Your potential for "healing" or staying together to have a rewarding relationship depends almost entirely on him. He will have to take real action to make amends. Many cheaters are weak and can't tolerate that so they will half arse it and then blame you for not forgiving them quick enough.
> You will teach him your value now. So don't be kind. Be angry. Defend yourself as you would your daughter. He has betrayed the foundations of everything and destroyed your relationship for a moment's selfish pleasure. Feel the rage and direct it towards protecting YOU.
> I am sorry, I don't think you can continue to live in your house. It would affect you over time. If you have the money what I would personally do is move house now on your own with your daughter. If you want to reconcile and he's doing everything you require to earn your trust and love back - then at least give him the fright of his life.
> Doing the above, even if you have to force yourself, will achieve two things. The first one is that it will force him into a position where he either does the work to repair what he broke (and that is HARD for men with weak characters). This will save you wasting time on an unrepentant cheater. Side note to this that tears and begging and apologies is NOT what repentance is. Repentance is putting in work to heal YOU. Whatever it takes, for however long, on YOUR terms.
> Secondly, it gives you back the agency that he and pub slag took away from you. You won't realise now, but this would have damaged your self esteem and a huge part of taking that back will be if you are able to look back on this and be proud that you looked after you. I really regret NOT doing that. And yes, I am calling her pub slag because only a complete cow goes back with a man who lives with an OW and stepchild and shags him. She's a selfish, nasty dick too.
> I am so sorry this is where you find yourself. It changes your life. But you have the power to choose how and how much. I do believe full and healthy reconciliation, forgiveness and growth is possible but that is ALL his job.
My final thought is that I deeply loved my exOH when he did this to me. I probably still do. But despite all the tears and begging and "I can't live without you", he never really made amends or did what I asked or needed or took away the pain for me, and so I really regret not leaving much, much sooner than I did.
I wanted my life back. I didn't want to lose everything. I understand how you feel - but remember he would have been sitting there while his flies were being undone and he decided it was worth that risk. The best he could have expected was that you never found out and your life and future would have been a long lie.
I am so sorry.