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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend said I need to start behaving before he proposes

564 replies

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 10:49

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

OP posts:
BanditsOnTheHorizon · 22/08/2023 12:16

You don't 'earn' a proposal

Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 12:16

Agreed

OP posts:
MissBiljanaElectronika · 22/08/2023 12:16

So he wants you to provide the house, do 50-50 on working and income, and for you to cook and clean…

and also to “behave” …..?

bro is on some very unsavoury social media sites, I can tell you that for free, where he learns how to be the “alpha” in a relate and his to bend you to his will.

but why o why are you even with him? Do not marry him. Please don’t.

he’ll be the sort of bloke that smashes the wedding cake in your face to humiliate you and keep you in your place

run a mile

meltingrainbows · 22/08/2023 12:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2023 12:17

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 10:49

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

He's in your house and you do most of the work? And he's dictating your behaviour?

He can get to Fuck.

Bin him

Ellie1015 · 22/08/2023 12:19

Good for you.

He should be excited to propose to you not using it as a threat. Good he has clearly shown his true colours before marriage or kids.

whatwhatinthebutt · 22/08/2023 12:20

And if you behave incorrectly once you are his wife, what then?

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 12:20

Just to give you a couple of real examples of the above;.

  1. Widowed (young) woman my sister used to work with. Owned house because of compensation from first husband's loss. Married a guy who may or may not have shown red flags but by a couple of years was controlling, abusive etc.
In spite of the short marriage (and it ending die to his behaviour) she had to find a reasonably hefty amount to pay him off in the divorce. She found it, but could easily not have been able to.
  1. Divorced woman with own house etc due to divorce settlement and inheritance. Married a man who helped spend any savings, he was an asshole in general, my sister has to intervene when she saw him hitting her and pulling her around by her hair. (Our kitchens were opposite each other, not much space between houses).

He got tens of thousands in the divorce settlement, had to sell her house to pay him. He had had nothing of his own but lived comfortably with a considerably younger woman for several years til he passed away at 79.

She, is in social housing.

You don't marry people - especially people like him - when you have greater assets.

Forget the fairy tale .... Embrace reality.

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2023 12:20

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 11:16

I make his life as easy as possible, but I’m not scared of him in anyway

Why do you make his life as easy as possible?

The 1950s are long gone and I assume he's not working down the pits...

Motherofalittledragon · 22/08/2023 12:20

Tell him not to bother proposing and to pack his stuff up and leave, you really don't want to be married to anyone like that. Red flags aplenty there!

thaisweetchill · 22/08/2023 12:21

Take the trash out! 🚮

BibiBlocksberg · 22/08/2023 12:21

What this type of character usually means by ‘you’re saying nasty things’ is ‘you’re saying very reasonable things I don’t want to hear’

PurpleBugz · 22/08/2023 12:21

As others say this is the start of coercive control. If you did marry him he would just threaten divorce in this way.

Get him out your house.

SuperSange · 22/08/2023 12:22

I've got a feeling that the OP won't kick him out. There's no conversation to be had, you tell him he's leaving. Once you've married him, you've lost your house. Because this behaviour is just the beginning, as you know.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 22/08/2023 12:24

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 11:48

The only mean things I say are expressing doubts about the relationship. Or being emotional- I’m sure all women can agree it’s harder at certain times of the month.

Hmmmm!

2022NewTimes · 22/08/2023 12:24

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 12:13

Marriage is only a bonus for people who have no assets to lose.

You have a big asset to lose.

He apparently has no big asset to lose.

You should not be marrying this man full stop.

If you were to split at any time, he'll be walking off with approx. 50% of your property. Unless it's a very short marriage.

And remember it doesn't matter who ended the marriage of why. He could have cheated on you, and he'll still be up for a potential 50% split. We have no fault divorce here.

Marriage is not in your interest.

If you really want to have an LTR and kids with this piss taker, make it a partnership only.

But he doesn't sound like an equal, respectful, decent partner anyway.

This 100%

CaptainMyCaptain · 22/08/2023 12:24

Don't marry him whatever you do. Do not let him get his hands on your house.

FigTreeInEurope · 22/08/2023 12:25

In twenty years of marriage, I don't think I've ever told my wife to behave. We've had some blazing rows, but such infantalizing language just hasn't got a place in an equal partnership.

BMW6 · 22/08/2023 12:25

Save your breath people.

OP is going to have A Conversation with him tonight. Yippee!

We ALL know how thats going to go. OP will be back here repeatedly in the coming months and years, wah wah wahing about him and how horrible he is to her, how she's exhausted with doing all the housework, kids, full time work, (he can't work because Reasons) and how she can't afford to divorce the cunt because they married so he's entitled to half the house.

See the other thousands of threads that have gone before.

Soooooo boringly predictable.

knobheed99 · 22/08/2023 12:25

Yes, I’m 27 and was lucky enough to have it gifted to me. No mortgage, just bills to pay

When you are in this fortunate situation, you have to be very very careful about the sort of people you get into a relationship with. I have also been mortgage free from my early 30s and had a problem with a cocklodger, but I got rid of him once I realized what was going on.
You are in a financially stable and fortunate position. You need to make sure you maintain that stability. If you marry someone like this boyfriend who has no assets of their own and is already showing some cocklodger tendencies (what exactly is he doing around the home and what is he doing with all the money he is saving on rent?), potentially you could end up losing half of that property in the inevitable divorce, depending on length of marriage, if children are involved etc. You are putting your financial stability and future at risk for some knob who is telling you to "behave" or he won't propose.
You having your own mortgage-free house can, unfortunately, be a magnet for unscrupulous cocklodging types.

I'm afraid I am going to sound awful, shallow and callous, but once you are in that position you really should be looking for a partner who is in a similar position (not necessarily mortgage-free as that is very rare at your age) but someone who has a proven record of financial stability, has bought there own house, or has savings etc.
You are not some kind of charity for men who aren't able to or can't be bothered provide for themselves properly.

Summary: get rid of him, but be careful in the future when entering a relationship with someone.

beAsensible1 · 22/08/2023 12:25

get that man out of your house

Wishimaywishimight · 22/08/2023 12:26

How is this even a question?? Can you imagine a lifetime with this man? I really hope not.

WinterDeWinter · 22/08/2023 12:26

SuperSange · 22/08/2023 12:22

I've got a feeling that the OP won't kick him out. There's no conversation to be had, you tell him he's leaving. Once you've married him, you've lost your house. Because this behaviour is just the beginning, as you know.

This. OP, a conversation will just allow him to adjust so he can keep you on the hook. You are a fat fish for him and you'll keep him fed for years - he won't let you go if he can help it.

billy1966 · 22/08/2023 12:27

If you are foolish enough to marry this loser, you will likely be handing him half a house.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You clearly have very low standards and zero self respect to allow any man speak to you like that.

I suspect you have a very hard life ahead of you if you continue on this path.

You deserve better, but you really need to do a lot of work on yourself to access it.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 12:27

This guy sure has some level of brass neck and entitlement;

He lives on your property, you have assets he doesn't have, you sound like you do way more domestically .... And yet he thinks he, and marriage with him, is some prize you should earn. Something he rewards you with.

Seriously .....

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