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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend said I need to start behaving before he proposes

564 replies

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 10:49

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

OP posts:
Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 12:01

Yeah he’s a really charmer

OP posts:
SecondhandSalute · 22/08/2023 12:02

3rdtimemumma · 22/08/2023 11:26

I find the initial responses here so odd. Who cares if someone cooks, cleans, pays 50/50 on 'most' things? If this was a woman saying their man did those tasks, but said 'mean things', they'd all be saying never to marry them. Sorry, but it doesn't sound like you respect your partner at all. I can't imagine it would work long-term. He's trying to kindly put in words that it's not acceptable to be rude to someone you supposedly love. He's also giving you a second/ third/ fourth chance to change your behaviour. Don't malign him because he's trying to out into words that your behaviour isn't acceptable.

I can’t decide if you’re some kind of surrendered wife or plan obtuse.

DeanElderberry · 22/08/2023 12:03

Change the locks, leave his stuff somewhere he can collect it.

Bahhhhhumbug · 22/08/2023 12:03

This is an excerpt from Co op legal services UK :

'Rights to property if you are married or have kids:

It's important to note that things are slightly different if you're married or if you've have children together.
When you're married you're automatically entitled to a share of your partner's assets. This means you have a legal right over the property, even if you're not the owner'

Hellosausag · 22/08/2023 12:03

Why are you saying mean things? And calling him out on what?

ScottishIceCream · 22/08/2023 12:03

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 10:49

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

Get him out of your house and out of your life. A man who loved you wouldn't say such a nasty thing.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/08/2023 12:04

Leave. Don't look back.

Why do you get told to behave and the things he's doing that trigger your emotions get to continue?

Feck that!!

knobheed99 · 22/08/2023 12:05

LTB!!

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house

Well that's not a good start is it? You are doing the vast majority of the work. You are splitting things 50/50 BUT the house is yours so he's basically living there on the cheap. What's happening with all the money he is saving on rent?
This has red flags all over it to start with. He should be dumped for this alone, because he's not pulling his weight. If you were to have children you'd end up doing everything.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything

Mmmm.. without actually knowing exactly what you say and how you say them, this one is difficult to judge. It could be that you actually are mean and that you call him out on unnecessary things and your emotions could mean that it's difficult/not particularly pleasant to live with you. But it could also mean that he is a twat whom you can't have any civilized discussion with about fairness in the relationship - such as sharing chores/finances/him not going out getting wrecked and coming in screaming and shouting (or whatever the things are you are "calling him out on" are).
However, whatever the actual ins and outs of this are, it does suggest that you are not compatible; that you have communication problems and that possibly your emotions can bubble over because your unconscious self knows that this whole thing is just not right for you.

I think you should leave him. You are only 27. You have your whole life in front of you and you should not waste it on marrying someone like this who is not right for you.

And now I'm going over to the other thread to see what you say on there.... didn't want to read it before posting a reply to this current issue, not biased in anyway by the info on the other thread.

Susuwatariandkodama · 22/08/2023 12:05

So essentially he wants a stepford wife. Don’t waste anymore of your time on him!

OhComeOnFFS · 22/08/2023 12:05

So you have a house, he pays no rent, then he tries to hold out a wedding ring as a reward for you never criticising him?

Tell him to get out.

Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 12:06

This conversation is going to be happening tonight

OP posts:
JanieEyre · 22/08/2023 12:07

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

Absolutely not. Throw him out.

What an arrogant twat he is that he thinks you are that desperate for him to propose.

crackfoxy · 22/08/2023 12:07

Please do not marry this man. Get rid of him. You are young, independent and can do a whole lot better.

WinterDeWinter · 22/08/2023 12:08

Also, stop doing all the cooking and cleaning in this relationship and when you've dumped him - which I sincerely, sincerely hope you do - and resisted him trying to worm his way back in - why I sincerely, sincerely hope you do - never allow this to happen again. How can that possibly be fair?

Ughhelp · 22/08/2023 12:08

Leave him, firmly close the door behind and protect yourself if he tries to come back. This type of controlling escalates to emotional abuse.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 22/08/2023 12:09

You do need to behave properly - by telling him to leave.

LemonDrizzleDessert · 22/08/2023 12:09

DeanElderberry · 22/08/2023 12:03

Change the locks, leave his stuff somewhere he can collect it.

This

Duchessofspace · 22/08/2023 12:10

FlipFlops4Me · 22/08/2023 10:52

You do the cooking and the cleaning and pay half the bills. He lives in your house like Lord Muck.

Get rid - it'll only get worse, honest. Go read some of the sad threads in Relationships and learn about control freaks. Your "man" is just waiting to blossom into a full blown cunt.

Wtf kick him out - who the fuck does he think he is -

SayingwhatIreallythink · 22/08/2023 12:12

Thank your lucky stars you didn’t get married so he has no claim on your house.

Lifeomars · 22/08/2023 12:12

If he is like this now try and project yourself into the future and imagine the kind of life you will be having with him in 10 years time. He sounds completely controlling and exploitative.

SecondhandSalute · 22/08/2023 12:12

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 12:06

This conversation is going to be happening tonight

But what are you going to say?

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 12:13

Marriage is only a bonus for people who have no assets to lose.

You have a big asset to lose.

He apparently has no big asset to lose.

You should not be marrying this man full stop.

If you were to split at any time, he'll be walking off with approx. 50% of your property. Unless it's a very short marriage.

And remember it doesn't matter who ended the marriage of why. He could have cheated on you, and he'll still be up for a potential 50% split. We have no fault divorce here.

Marriage is not in your interest.

If you really want to have an LTR and kids with this piss taker, make it a partnership only.

But he doesn't sound like an equal, respectful, decent partner anyway.

Clarice99 · 22/08/2023 12:13

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 12:06

This conversation is going to be happening tonight

What conversation is that?

pizzaHeart · 22/08/2023 12:14

So you are good enough to sleep and share house with but not good enough to get married? It doesn’t work like this .

ToWhitToWhoo · 22/08/2023 12:14

While I do not know what mean things you may have been saying, it sounds pretty mean of him to put things in terms of you 'behaving'. He's not your dad, and you're not 5 years old.

The relationship doesn't seem to be in a healthy state; I wouldn't even consider marriage.