Boyfriend said I need to start behaving before he proposes

[LouLo2121]

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

This is not love.

You are worth more than this.

Leave him and find someone who respects you.

XX

Is he going to "start behaving"

Sounds controlling OP

The only mean things I say are expressing doubts about the relationship. Or being emotional- I’m sure all women can agree it’s harder at certain times of the month.

I'd like to know what she says.

I don't think this relationship sounds like a goer, for several reasons. But I do wonder if he's using a poor method of communicating that she keeps saying hurtful things when she's angry. I wouldn't respond well to that either.

Well there are various ways of expressing those doubts.

Still, if you've got doubts and he's got doubts...

What a controlling shitface of a man he sounds. In a few years it will be don't go out wearing that or you have put on weight , or he doesn't want you to cut your hair etc , all said to control you.
Get rid.

NEXT!!

Look up marital rights over a property .Don't let your home become his marital home which after a few years gives him a claim on it if you split regardless which spouses name is solely on the deeds.
Another one voting to kick him out .

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If he is living in your house why would you want to marry him? Protect your assets and get rid.

Behave?

Na. Its him being emotionally abusive.

I will not do X unless you do Y threats.

Bin him.

Tell your boyfriend that he needs to behaved cooking and doing the house stuff at least 50/50 before you even think to listen to a proposal and that you are going to charge him with a symbolic rent of 200 pounds you will see how quick he leaves the relationship.

Read this. https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/revisited-relationships-in-a-nutshell-co-pilots-the-importance-of-a-joint-agenda/

Healthy relationships are not based on one person "behaving" according to the other's ideas, that sounds like a parent/child relationship, and a very outdated one.

They are not based on one person "being respectful" towards the other in a one-directional way.

Healthy relationships are mutually respectful and you should be on each other's team, build one another up and the admiration/inspiration should go both ways.

If someone doesn't think you are a kick ass goddess that they are excited to collaborate with, then they are not worthy of you.

Hmmm....

There is red flag bunting everywhere.

If DH were to tell me to behave it would be in the style of Carry On films or Austin Powers it would not be seriously said about my behaviour.

With a paid for house you are a very good catch and you need to be very careful to protect that and yourself and this guy sounds like he has you under the thumb with chores and by your behaviour, you don’t dangle marriage like a decking carrot.

This isn’t a man I would want as a father to my child or a life partner, if he isn’t pulling his weight now with housework what happens when kids come along, he won’t grow up and do more.

Control gets worse not better

That sounds awful, you can do better. Please end it.

Your boyfriend's best mate is a peach too isn't he?

Hmm.

I think you should run s well because he triggers my Spidey senses that are usually pretty good at detecting controlling abusers.

Even if you are not ready for that, for goodness sake protect your assets. You've been very fortunate to have a paid off house thanks to your mum's planning and financial prudence. Don't give him any justification to have a claim to a share in the property until you are absolutely certain that you want to spend the rest of your life with him and you're confident he feels likewise.

More red flags than a May day parade in Moscow.

Also read this. (WHY isn't this stickied any more??)

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

You could have a much nicer life than this. Get rid!

Yeah, I wondered about that too.

Do you have any idea how damaging these sorts of replies can be for an OP who doesn’t realise they are at risk of serious abuse? You clearly haven’t read the whole thread because if you had you’d realised the “mean things” this man is alluding to is the fact she has questioned the stability of the relationship and how he treats her. If you honestly believe telling anyone who isn’t a dog or over the age of a toddler to “behave” is anything other than manipulation and complete disrespect then you are seriously backwards in your thinking and behaviour at best. That is NOT kindness. Judging by your post you must be controlling yourself or just a troll. “Giving someone a second/third chance to change your behaviour” you don’t dictate people’s behaviour to them and by all accounts if she’s letting him live rent free in her house and doing his washing and cooking it’s not unacceptable behaviour on her part is it? You’re absolutely crackers.

Uh, OP, you get that expressing entirely justified doubts about your relationship or having emotions aren’t ‘mean’, right?

You keep talking about him proposing and ‘wanting’ you, as if his requirements are the only ones — what about you? Do you want to be placating a moron for the rest of your life, making his life easier by doing all childcare as well as all housework, in case the mess, noise, sleeplessness and disruption of a child enrages him?

He really has done a number on you, hasn’t he?

So he's dangling this 'carrot' of marriage as some prize you may be awarded if only you behave as he'd like and act like a good little wifey. Don't question him, do most of the housework, give him cheap accommodation and sex. Sod that. Have you suggested you want to get married? I get this dreadful feeling that if he did propose you'd accept.

You're in a good position owning your own house, still young. Kick him out, find someone better.