Boyfriend said I need to start behaving before he proposes

[LouLo2121]

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

Got a feeling he's got a touch of the red pill, Mra, Andrew Tate etc nonsense in his head.

Either that or he is, just of his own accord, a chauvinist, sexist, entitled, selfish etc. man.

Funny how all these men who feel they're entitled to service and "respect" and traditional gender roles; are ok with living off women or at the very least living 50-50 (financially).

His views of women are disturbing.

Firstly, he thinks domestic work is women's work. Even while he lives in their property rent and mortgage free, and the woman works fulltime.

Secondly he thinks women are marriage (and probably baby) obsessed, malleable, "manipulable", subservient, desperados who will perform like seals and martyr themselves in order to be "awarded" the privilege of a wedding day and or being married.

You don't want to hitch your wagon to a man who sees women this way, op.

Leave this waste of space.

Leave or be dammed.

I'm very respectful towards him

But he's not respectful towards you.

He lets you to do pretty much all the domestic work in your home, while you work 45 hr weeks.

(And you save him rent or mortgage payments too).

Her let you pay 50-50 while the above are both the case.

He punishes you for occasional snappiness (? I'm not sure exactly what he's referring to, we'd need examples, I have a feeling it's you dating to complain about justifiable things) by saying you won't get a proposal til you act exactly how he wants.

If someone genuinely had reason for grievance for how they were spoken to, they'd a. Consider any valid readings for it .... Like the burden of all housework on too of long working weeks, and change that or they'd discuss it constitutively and would say they wint continue the relationship if it doesn't change. Not "I'm staying but you won't get a marriage proposal if you're not a good little girl". If it was that bad/had at all, they'd walk.

LTB

its your house tell him to move out asap, he is using you.

I wouldn’t stand for that. Next time he says it I would say ‘Speak to me like that again and you’ll be homeless within the hour. Now now, be a good boy and behave’.

Ugh I married the guy who did this, went on like he was some sort of prize and if I just did this, that and the other I'd be his perfect bride.

Turns out he was a prize alright..............the booby prize. Do not spend anymore of your precious time on this man. I wish you well OP xx

But I want advice from well rounded worldly men and women to make a proper decision

This isn't a situation with more than one reasonable solution that you need to decide between (which car should I buy?). This is a situation with only one reasonable solution - you are in a relationship with an abusive man, so you need to end it (preferably in the presence of someone else because, you know, he's abusive so you want to be careful).

well, I'd ditch him, he's only going to get more judgmental & demanding.
However the immediate answer would be, "Fuck no, Wouldn't dream of marrying you. This is my house & its staying that way."

Bloody hell, any man who told me that I had to behave before he would propose to me would be told not to bother, and to fuck right off out of my house.

I see nothing at all in any of your updates that changes my opinion on that. He isn't good husband material. In fact, he isn't husband material at all and needs to be kicked out.

It won't magically change or get better if you do marry him. He will continue in the same vein once married, and you will be much more trapped, especially if you do have children. If you decided to divorce because of his unbearable and twatty behaviour he could then be entitled to claim up to 50% of your house, savings, pension etc.

Just no! Dump his sorry arse now.

Horrible. Leave him.

He is right to refrain from marriage if you are not ticking all his boxes I'm afraid.

Well quite. OP does not tick his boxes of being a submissive sucky-uppy doormat who makes him feel like the big man. So he needs to look elsewhere. Next!

@Priscil Not sure if you are being serious or sarcastic/tongue in cheek. Hope it is the latter and you are not OP's partner devising a personal improvement plan for her.

Op, you need to work out why you are attracted to this kind of man.

People who understand their own needs and have sorted through the dysfunctional aspects of their lives don't need men like this or the drama they bring.

Is he just joking?

If you are mean to him then that needs addressing but to be honest you don't sound compatible. I would leave

Change the locks, arrange for him to collect his stuff, charge him a weekly rate for storing anything that isn't gone within seven days, put that in writing.

If he really loves you and wants to discuss marriage, he can do that perfectly well from his own flat. No harm for him to realise that he needs to start behaving (contributing financially and doing his share of the housework for a start) before you could move on to a different relationship.

Why would she want to marry an abusive user?

You know what you need to do. You don’t sound like you like him at all, get rid and get a lodger instead!

He's been watching Andrew Tate. His videos are all about "making your woman behave" etc, like she's a dog that needs to learn to come to heel.

btw, changing the locks doesn't mean you have to get out a screwdriver yourself. Find a professional locksmith and explain that there is a volatile man with keys to your house and that you need to secure the place. It won't be the first time, alas.

This is the exact behaviour OP needs to demonstrate.

I've only read the first page, so my apologies if I've missed something.

He didn't need you to 'behave' in order to move in with you and reap all the benefits of living with you. He is getting all of that but without the commitment. If he didn't like your behaviour, he could end the relationship and leave but he hasn't.

Holding a proposal and marriage hostage (when you're basically already living like a married couple) is controlling and abusive. And from your responses - he is way out of line because you aren't actually being mean in any way. By the sound of it, you are rightly questioning your relationship, if this is how he behaves.