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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend said I need to start behaving before he proposes

564 replies

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 10:49

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

OP posts:
TeeBee · 22/08/2023 13:43

And in your envious position of owning a house outright, I wouldn't be marrying anyone...let alone him! Look after your assets and your security.

Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 13:44

Which I appreciate. This isn’t a wah wah me post, as someone commented. But I want advice from well rounded worldly men and women to make a proper decision

OP posts:
beaniebutter · 22/08/2023 13:46

Please ditch this loser.

He's acting like marriage to him is a 'prize' when in reality it's a prison sentence!

OP, you sound like you have everything going for you, don't let a grabby man ruin it for you financially and emotionally.

Priscil · 22/08/2023 13:47

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GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 13:48

We're very brain washed to want to get married/have the wedding day.

It's just a day. A day of dressing up and going through a few cliched rituals. It doesn't make a relationship good, it doesn't make it more valid than a lasting, respectful, healthy partnership. It doesn't make a relationship any more likely to last. It's not a stamp of female respectability .... Those days are long past.

You don't have to do it, and it's no failure if you don't. Millions of women have not married, or marry years down the line after changing, having families etc. Or don't.

Are your friends/acquaintances/colleagues getting married so you feel you have to?

There's nothing wrong with it if the person is a decent person who pulls their weight and is genuine ... He's not.

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 13:49

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Lol

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 22/08/2023 13:49

Dont marry anyone who doesnt bring to the table what you do. At the end of the day its a legal contract, it protects women financially who sacrifice careers for family and children, but if thats not your position its really not a good idea. Take the romance out of it, its a legal commitment, whats yours is theirs, whats theirs is yours.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/08/2023 13:50

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 13:34

Thank you. Many people don’t understand. Im working 45 hours a week coming home and doing another 1hour a night and making dinner. Of course I’m going to be snappy

We really do understand.

Really.

We're trying to help you negotiate your way through this 'conversation' that you seem to have your heart set on having because we can see, collectively through our years of experience, that this isn't going to work out, you would be better off cutting your losses now and starting again in a while. You're still very young in the scale of things so don't go down the path of the sunken costs fallacy (by that I mean just because you've spent X number of months/years with him doesn't mean that you're tied to him forever).

TeeBee · 22/08/2023 13:50

This reply has been deleted

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You are kidding right???? Weekly review of 'development areas?' If someone didn't love me the way I am, they can get tae fuck! Are you the OP's partner?

PurpleReindeer2 · 22/08/2023 13:50

Bin him now before you marry him and lose half your house when it all ends in tears. He is abusive. Leave now.

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 13:50

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 22/08/2023 13:49

Dont marry anyone who doesnt bring to the table what you do. At the end of the day its a legal contract, it protects women financially who sacrifice careers for family and children, but if thats not your position its really not a good idea. Take the romance out of it, its a legal commitment, whats yours is theirs, whats theirs is yours.

X 100.

It is actually not in the interests of the person with more assets.

At all, but especially when their partner is a piss taker, user, and arrogant.

monsteramunch · 22/08/2023 13:51

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 13:11

Yes I work full time 45 hours a week at the moment and still do everything else inbetween

So why are you having a 'conversation' with a man who is perfectly happy for you to work so hard and do all the cooking and cleaning and 'making his life as easy as possible' despite the fact it's so blatantly unfair on you?

Rather than respecting yourself enough to end the relationship and be single / in future only be with people who don't have to be told they're arseholes and taking advantage of you?

ILoveNigelTufnel · 22/08/2023 13:51

I totally get this. When you’re in the middle of it sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees.

From what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound like he is contributing much (anything?) to your relationship.
He is trying to police your behaviour by telling you you need to behave which does count as coercive control. You’re second guessing yourself which is why you have posted on here - is he questioning how he behaves? Is he doing 50:50 of the housework? What does he actually add to your life? Why do you like being with him? What would you say to a friend who told you the things youve said?
Obvs you don’t need to reply to those questions on here but they are worth thinking about. No one who loves you should make you feel you’re not good enough.

TeeBee · 22/08/2023 13:51

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 22/08/2023 13:49

Dont marry anyone who doesnt bring to the table what you do. At the end of the day its a legal contract, it protects women financially who sacrifice careers for family and children, but if thats not your position its really not a good idea. Take the romance out of it, its a legal commitment, whats yours is theirs, whats theirs is yours.

Exactly that!

mn29 · 22/08/2023 13:51

Get rid asap.

Acornsoup · 22/08/2023 13:52

Hell no

2weekstowait · 22/08/2023 13:56

You should leave him and definitely not marry him! Tell him you've thought about it and decided he isn't behaving in a suitable manner...

NameChangeEmbarressed · 22/08/2023 13:56

Please leave him. This is coercive and abusive behaviour. It will not improve

ImNotWorthy · 22/08/2023 13:59

CherryMaDeara · 22/08/2023 13:17

Good! Was he making hints about your mum's inheritance?

Show quote history

No. When we married we had no idea how much family money there was. I thought he was a good 'un - good education etc, but he had no work ethic. And once we found out how much DM had, and persuaded her to take advice on Inhertance Tax Planning, she did make some cash gifts to her DC (me and my sibling). Which with not enough income, I was forced to use as frugally as I could eking out my own family's living costs with these gifts.

WiddlinDiddlin · 22/08/2023 14:00

It's not sounding great...

What do you mean by 'getting emotional and saying mean things' that are not 'personal' though..

Some people press our buttons and can be a catalyst for behaviour we're not proud of and sometimes, just sometimes... it's not something they're doing on purpose, its not something bad that they're doing... it is just a mismatch and we're not suited to life with that person.

Sometimes, people press our buttons on purpose or they are doing something awful (like being an idle cock-lodger then claiming you're mean for asking them to pull their weight!)... and our behaviour isn't pleasant as a result.

And there is the possibility that it's you who is the asshole...

But whichever way up this is - it sounds like it's not working and it sounds like you're not overly interested in it working... so boot the bumhole out and behave as you please!

I certainly would not react well to being talked to like a toddler - 'you can only have this if you're GOOD...' would get a 'and you can fuck off' response from me every time!

Coyoacan · 22/08/2023 14:01

Honestly, OP, what use is a man who can't do his share of the housework and cooking?

Pocodaku · 22/08/2023 14:02

Leave him, FFS.

Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 14:02

Think we’ve all heard the chocolate teapot expression… so about a useful as that

OP posts:
LeanneFromEpsom · 22/08/2023 14:04

TeeBee · 22/08/2023 13:50

You are kidding right???? Weekly review of 'development areas?' If someone didn't love me the way I am, they can get tae fuck! Are you the OP's partner?

Show quote history

It's someone having a laugh surely

Priscil · 22/08/2023 14:04

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