Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend said I need to start behaving before he proposes

564 replies

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 10:49

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

OP posts:
plehpleh · 22/08/2023 13:19

Yuck. You deserve better. Don't be afraid to be alone.

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 13:19

Laurabeee · 22/08/2023 13:16

Leave! I have heard the phrase “if you want the highest level of like, you have to be likeable”. Ended in disaster…..

Funny that, cause the relationships in which I've been treated the nicest; I've not been very nice.

JustAboutHangingInThere · 22/08/2023 13:21

Huge red flag. Don’t ignore it. He’s trying to manipulate and control you.

Plantymcplantface · 22/08/2023 13:23

Leave!!!!

StaunchMomma · 22/08/2023 13:23

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

Sounds like HE needs to start behaving!

You need to point out to him how lucky he has it, OP.

The cheeky git is dangling the marriage carrot as bait. Don't chase it!!

Inertia · 22/08/2023 13:24

He is speaking to you as though marrying him would be some golden prize so you’d best shut up and do as you’re told.

Marrying him is the worst thing you could do- he’ll ramp up the control and will own half the house so you can’t afford to leave.

You don’t need his permission to end the relationship.

You don’t need his permission to make him leave.

Clarice99 · 22/08/2023 13:24

BMW6 · 22/08/2023 12:25

Save your breath people.

OP is going to have A Conversation with him tonight. Yippee!

We ALL know how thats going to go. OP will be back here repeatedly in the coming months and years, wah wah wahing about him and how horrible he is to her, how she's exhausted with doing all the housework, kids, full time work, (he can't work because Reasons) and how she can't afford to divorce the cunt because they married so he's entitled to half the house.

See the other thousands of threads that have gone before.

Soooooo boringly predictable.

I agree.

I notice that the OP has ignored questions what the conversation is going to consist of, so it's likely that it will not be bags packed, locks changed, goodbye.

Coyoacan · 22/08/2023 13:25

Does he belong to the Andrew Tate School of Romance?

Serendipitoushedgehog · 22/08/2023 13:27

i think you know the answer to that question.

Poppyblush · 22/08/2023 13:27

Sorry but I do think you’re a bit of a walk over because you’ve been putting up with this shit for three years. Kick him out tonight

Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 13:27

I don’t know myself, in all honesty. I’m not ignoring anyone, there’s been a huge influx of messages

OP posts:
DinnaeFashYersel · 22/08/2023 13:27

Why are you doing all the cooking and cleaning?

You are not his maid.

Run now whilst you still can.

Yalta · 22/08/2023 13:30

I think you need to be clear on what you want

If he wanted to marry you he wouldn’t be asking for you to change. He would love you whatever time of the month it was and could separate the pms from who you are.
I think you need to let him go so he can find someone who doesn’t need to change themselves and you can find someone who loves you for who you are

If you don’t see this relationship heading anywhere then it isn’t a conversation you need to have. It is just telling him that he needs to leave. Have a bag packed for him and he can collect or have delivered the rest of his stuff in the next week.

If you want him to sweet talk you and promise you the world till the next time he asks you to change then have the conversation. He knows what he will lose if he leaves. A rent and mortgage free home that after a few years of marriage will be half his.

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 13:31

Coyoacan · 22/08/2023 13:25

Does he belong to the Andrew Tate School of Romance?

Lol.

Oh but Andrew Tate pimps out his partners. This guy just lives off them in other ways.

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 13:32

If you're doing all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry for two people... While working 45 hour weeks, no fucking wonder you have PMS and can be snappy.

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 13:33

Yalta · 22/08/2023 13:30

I think you need to be clear on what you want

If he wanted to marry you he wouldn’t be asking for you to change. He would love you whatever time of the month it was and could separate the pms from who you are.
I think you need to let him go so he can find someone who doesn’t need to change themselves and you can find someone who loves you for who you are

If you don’t see this relationship heading anywhere then it isn’t a conversation you need to have. It is just telling him that he needs to leave. Have a bag packed for him and he can collect or have delivered the rest of his stuff in the next week.

If you want him to sweet talk you and promise you the world till the next time he asks you to change then have the conversation. He knows what he will lose if he leaves. A rent and mortgage free home that after a few years of marriage will be half his.

He'll also have to try to train another woman to do all the domestic work in their home, while working 45 hours a week, and contributing 50-50.

Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 13:34

Thank you. Many people don’t understand. Im working 45 hours a week coming home and doing another 1hour a night and making dinner. Of course I’m going to be snappy

OP posts:
Fromage · 22/08/2023 13:35

I read the thread title and my first thought was "MISBEHAVE!"

You're right to ditch this conditional twit. At best, you're not suited to each other at all. At worst....well, see everyone else's comments.

Good luck.

FucksSakeSusan · 22/08/2023 13:35

Do not marry him any time soon. If you think you might want to marry him, go and get some counselling to help lift your self-esteem and to work out what you really want from life. At the end of that, you may still want to marry him... But you need to be really, really sure.

He sounds like a twat. He thinks you're so desperate to be married (because you have a vagina and that's all we want, right) that you'll put up with him treating you like this. It sounds like you do the lion's share of the housework and provide him with a mortgage-free home. Him only paying 50% of the bills and not contributing AT LEAST 50% of the housework etc while you provide him with free housing, act as housekeeper and still pay half the bills is taking the absolute piss.

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 13:35

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 13:27

I don’t know myself, in all honesty. I’m not ignoring anyone, there’s been a huge influx of messages

I think people are outraged on your behalf.

While some people can be dicks, most ppl being harsh are just outraged and angry on your behalf and anxious to stop you from staying and ending up stuck.

HiHoHiHoltsOffToWorkWeGo · 22/08/2023 13:36

Just to add to the cacophony of voices - get rid!

If you marry him, he will make your life utterly unbearable, and when you eventually divorce he will take half your house - and I'm sure your mum would be heartbroken about that.

Move on and find someone who appreciates you for who you are.

Crossstich · 22/08/2023 13:37

Sparkletastic · 22/08/2023 10:50

Leave him

This.
He sounds extremely controlling. You will be much better off without him.
Tell him to move out of your house.

TeeBee · 22/08/2023 13:37

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Get rid. He's an abusive twat. A happier life is just around the corner from you kicking this prick to the curb.

billy1966 · 22/08/2023 13:38

You work 45 hours, skivvy and house him and yet he is so confident of your lack of self esteem and desperation that he is speaks to you like that?

God love you OP.

I would be devastated if either of my daughters couldn't see that they deserved so much better than this.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/08/2023 13:40

Adding another voice to the chorus of "Get rid". Think about it, if he is like this when he is in a very precarious position due to living in your house with no security, what will he be like when getting rid of him isnt as simple as chucking out his stuff and changing the locks?

You are mid way up the abuse ladder, please dont climb any higher.

Swipe left for the next trending thread