Boyfriend said I need to start behaving before he proposes

[LouLo2121]

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

Look, this relationship is not fair and equal ... (Before the proposal issue and his beyond chauvanist comments).

He lives in your home .... Does he pay 50-50 of all bills (?) You both presumably work full-time or near it (?) yet you are doing all or most of all the domestic work. Why?

Why are you doing all the washing. Ive been married for years and I don't do his washing.

Why are doing most or all of the cooking and cleaning?

Why does he let you?

I think it might be something to do with the fact that this joker actually thinks marriage is a prize men bestow on women .... Even while the women own their own homes (which he has moved into) and presumably work and have their own income.

He's extremely sexist/chauvanist. And these comments just illustrated that.

He's in the 50s in his thinking; yet somehow he's perfectly ok with also living in a woman's mortgage free home.

A hypocrite as well as a chauvanist.

That's controlling. Please LTB.

I think our discussion had devolved to theoretical scenarios with any potential spouse.

But I agree re this guy, he is bad fkg news.

Late this but send him packing without a backward glance. The knob.

Anyway ... "Behave"; it appears he sees male- female relationships as parent/child, boss/subordinate, master/servant.

That is a very large problem.

Have a read at Lundy Bancroft's book "why does he do that" and you'll see the mentality & character type of men like this. You will be er have a decent, fair relationship with them.

The book is primarily about physical abuse but covers all types and it pins the main personality types and their life views quite well.

Just please be aware that when you have your 'conversation', he will try to backtrack and will probably promise you the sun, moon and stars. You are an absolute catch and he knows he's on to a good thing, he won't be keen to give that up. Don't get into any kind of debate with him - the relationship is not working, you're done, he needs to leave. The end

Please tell us you've dumped him x

Some posters are being a bit patronising, at 27 OP could be a qualified lawyer, doctor or airline pilot. I think its born out of outrage at your compost toilet of a bf though to be fair. Who the hell says that to their girlfriend?

This.

It'll only last for as long as he thinks he's getting what he wants though.

I married one of these, and had a miserable marriage which I could not afford to leave till I was 59. Basically, lazy cocklodger.

I think you can tell a lot about someone from the company they keep. That thread about his best mate would have me questioning the relationship.

Well they could be, I suppose

You don't need to have a conversation.

You just need to tell him it's over.

It really is that simple.

This dude is living in your house, having you wash his clothes, cook his meals, clean up after him ... I presume you work full-time or at least part-time too ....

And he thinks he actually can dangle a marriage proposal (after which he, within a few years, can walk with 50% of your assets no matter how he treated you & how the marriage ended) in front of you like you should be earning it.

Fuck me.

You have time to meet someone else. And even if stay with him (highly inadvisable), you can cohabit & have kids without marrying etc.

Yup!

Yes I work full time 45 hours a week at the moment and still do everything else inbetween

Luckily DM was still alive at time of divorce, so Ex had no chance of getting his hands on half my inheritance.

If you are due to inherit money, I strongly suggest you do not marry anyone. I advise you to remain unmarried, and not to own assets jointly. If in a couple: separate bank accounts, and a joint bank account for bills.

absolutely leave him or kick him out if you can before you get marriage. behaving. sheesh.

He seems to think he's in a stronger position.

He's not.

Don't let nonsense about white weddings and having to be married to have kids fool you. About half of all marriages in this country end in divorce (and a much higher number of second etc marriages). Of those marriages that don't; I don't have to think for long to name numerous marriages that are unhappy, unfair, dysfunctional (usually to the woman's detriment).

It's no ideal, it's no prize. Look out for yourself. Don't be accepting unfair relationships.

Seriously, what conversation do you need to have? Get up now, put his stuff in bags, leave them outside. Call a locksmith now and change the locks. Done.

This is how you "behave" from now on.

Prick.

“i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment.”

mean things… like what? Like he’s a shit boyfriend, bad in bed, will never amount to
anything? Etc

Or mean like.. actually I can’t think of examples where I would accept a partner saying mean things to me but it being ok because ‘hormones’.

I’m peri-menopausal, my hormones are all over the place. I don’t use it as an excuse to be a dick to my partner and then say it’s ok that I said mean things because I was hormonal. Just like I won’t accept alcohol as an excuse for bad behaviour.

We are adults. We need to communicate in adult ways. Would you use the same excuse at work for saying mean things to a client or colleague that was annoying you? Don’t think so.

you and your boyfriend both sound like you have some growing up to do - probably apart. But do look into coping strategies so you don’t take the outbursts etc into future relationships.

Leave! I have heard the phrase “if you want the highest level of like, you have to be likeable”. Ended in disaster…..

you deserve better OP.
As others have said already LTB.

Fuck me.

Why?

Why are you making yourself someone's servant.

He sounds incredibly chauvanist, entitled and arrogant, but you didn't have to do this?

Thank fk you've posted on MN at least.

In the most genuine way possible, could counselling help you?

Why do you think women have to do everything domestic and give and give and give?

Good! Was he making hints about your mum's inheritance?