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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend said I need to start behaving before he proposes

564 replies

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 10:49

My boyfriend has made this comment a few times ‘that I need to start behaving’ before he proposes (we’ve been together 3 years, lived together for 1.5).

for some context, I'm very respectful towards him, I cook clean, doing all the washing and go 50/50 with most things money wise, he also lives in my house.

i do get emotional and sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment. Me ‘behaving’ means getting less emotional and not calling him out on anything.

do I really need to be with someone that wants me to ‘behave’ in order for him to propose?

OP posts:
Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 12:45

I know prenups don’t count in the UK.
who’s to say it will be my property when we get married

OP posts:
Maireas · 22/08/2023 12:45

Why were you waiting for a proposal from him in the first place? Why is the decision about marriage in his gift? I would have thought that this would be about two adults making a decision about their future, not one exerting control over another's behaviour.

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 12:46

If someone was bringing some equal or almost equal assets to the marriage, and also did a fair share of work around the house etc. Was not sexist etc. There's no reason you couldn't marry.

None of those things are true about him, however.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/08/2023 12:47

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 12:06

This conversation is going to be happening tonight

There's really no conversation to be had.

You will say to him that you don't feel that the relationship is going any where and you don't want to see him again. He can go to his mate's house to stay tonight and you'll drop his belongings to him tomorrow, at the mate's house.

See? It's not really a back and forth conversation. You're going to state something that you're not going to change your mind about. He has to deal with it but somewhere other than in your home and he leaves.

Not really a conversation at all.

ThisIsMineThatIsMine · 22/08/2023 12:47

Well, this all sounds very toxic and dysfunctional

I'd highly advise against marriage

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 12:47

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 12:45

I know prenups don’t count in the UK.
who’s to say it will be my property when we get married

I've looked into that.

I was told by a solicitor that a judge would look very unfavourably on any apparent transferring of property before marriage/before divorce.

You won't be able to do it without it being seen, when his solicitor looks into everything on his behalf in a divorce.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/08/2023 12:48

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 12:45

I know prenups don’t count in the UK.
who’s to say it will be my property when we get married

You're not going to marry this waste of space, right? So it isn't relevant to your 'conversation' tonight.

Deathbyfluffy · 22/08/2023 12:48

YouJustDoYou · 22/08/2023 11:02

What "mean things" are you saying though? If it were a man saying "mean things" to a woman, no one would like that much.

This. It all depends on context - could be innocent things that aren't really mean, or abuse.
Everyone is quick to shout LTB without knowing the facts.
Sounds like you're poorly suited to each other either way though, to be honest.

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 12:49

LookItsMeAgain · 22/08/2023 12:48

You're not going to marry this waste of space, right? So it isn't relevant to your 'conversation' tonight.

Show quote history

The poster was just saying that in response to me querying what things she could have in place to stop him from walking with 50%, after he abused her further for a few years.

Original poster
LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 12:49

i would say this probably hit the nail on the head

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 12:50

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 12:47

I've looked into that.

I was told by a solicitor that a judge would look very unfavourably on any apparent transferring of property before marriage/before divorce.

You won't be able to do it without it being seen, when his solicitor looks into everything on his behalf in a divorce.

Show quote history

I don't know if you can do it years before a marriage and try to make it look unrelated.

HappyAsASandboy · 22/08/2023 12:52

God, leave now. Don't marry a man who tells you to behave, nor one that you say mean things to when you're emotional.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/08/2023 12:52

GilbertMarkham · 22/08/2023 12:49

The poster was just saying that in response to me querying what things she could have in place to stop him from walking with 50%, after he abused her further for a few years.

Show quote history

But @GilbertMarkham , if the OP has her head screwed on properly, she will not be putting up with another few years of abuse by this dickhead. He won't be around for a second longer than is necessary to collect his belongings and move the hell away from her.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 22/08/2023 12:52

That comment is an indication of a controller, someone who expects you to perform a role for him, rather than just be yourself. Not someone who you can have a successful partnership with sorry.

LemonadePockets · 22/08/2023 12:52

You’re getting my first ever MN LTB -

but seriously.. LTB. You’re not a dog, you shouldn’t need to ‘behave’ in order to be respected. Marriage isn’t a reward for good behaviour. Run, don’t walk.

threecupsofteaminimum · 22/08/2023 12:54

What a twat. Leave the controlling dickhead.

Fourmagpies · 22/08/2023 12:55

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 12:45

I know prenups don’t count in the UK.
who’s to say it will be my property when we get married

Actually prenups can count. Just make sure you and your future husband when you find a better person both take legal advice. Pre nups can stand up in court as long as correct process is followed.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 22/08/2023 12:55

Tell him to fuck off out of your house and get lost

Prelapsarianhag · 22/08/2023 12:55

I would be saying some mean things to him. Like fuck off you controlling cunt.

RudsyFarmer · 22/08/2023 12:56

That all sounds very healthy - said absolutely nobody.

Flopsythebunny · 22/08/2023 12:56

LouLo2121 · 22/08/2023 12:06

This conversation is going to be happening tonight

You can have as many conversations as you like. He isn't going to change. Kick him to the curb and go on to have a fabulous life with a decent man

Aposterhasnoname · 22/08/2023 12:56

WTF, who is this prince amongst men that you have to “behave” in order to win such a prize as marrying him. Fuck that right off. I’m fuming on your behalf, who the hell does he think he is. Behave indeed. Cheeky fucking twat

EnjoyingTheSilence · 22/08/2023 12:56

Run as fast as you can. Saying you need to behave? Fuck that.

Watch him quickly backtrack when he realises he’s about to lose his cushy deal. Hell suddenly start being all lovey and suggest going out to look at engagement rings to hook you back in.

When someone shows you who they are, listen

Motorina · 22/08/2023 12:57

AmandaHoldensLips · 22/08/2023 10:52

I think by "behaving" what you should be doing is packing his bags for him and leaving them outside your front door. That should do the trick.

I'd pee on them, too.

whatwhatinthebutt · 22/08/2023 12:57

"things are in place" is exactly what he's staying to himself when he has internal dialogue about his plans to get your assets into his name