Regular tantric bodywork for ED (jealous wife)

[Tornintwoparts]

Hello,

My husband and I are late forties, and have been married for 25 years.

My husband has for a long time had erectile dysfunction, and this caused problems in our physical relationship for a long time, as he withdrew from a lot of forms of intimacy.

He did try Viagra, but this did not work for him. The problem may not be physical (or not entirely physical) - he experienced sexual trauma when he was young.

A couple of years ago, he went to a tantric bodyworker (female) after reading some articles on the Internet saying that this could be helpful. It really was - his ED problems subsided a lot, and for the first time in a long time he was interested in a physical relationship with me.

He now sees this tantric practitioner regularly - once every few weeks. I have seen her website, and she is extremely attractive - much more so than I am, and much younger than me. She is definitely genuine - although its not a regulated profession in our country it seems clear that she is professional, and she doesn't have sex with her clients, and touch is one way only. He talks about her a lot, and they text each other regularly outside of appointments.

I expressed my discomfort with this continuing, but my husband says he needs to keep seeing her to be able to maintain a sex life with me, and to be able to feel sexual at all.

I feel really torn. On the one hand I totally agree that I only have a sex life with my husband due to this woman, but on the other hand I really hate the thought of him being touched intimately by someone else, and I feel jealous of the relationship my husband has with this woman. I also feel a bit inadequate that the only way my husband is able to have sex with me, is if he's been touched in an intimate way by someone else.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation, and how did they deal with it?

Thank you very much.

If he started this therapy and it worked, then it is a hard thing to stop as you don't know if the problems will return and people become dependent on therapist that have made a positive difference - people keep going to many forms of therapy even once the initial issue seems at least partially resolved.

I think it would be good to have a conversation about transitioning to couple sessions. Would you be comfortable participating with him in the sessions?

Erm op, he's getting it up now because he's thinking about her while he's with you. Sorry but that's why he immediately seemed to be cured from his ED

Why does she need to be scantily clad ? I'm confused, is the point to turn him on or learn how to get an erection with his wife ? Wouldn't that work better if you were there and it was you scantily clad and touching him?

Can't believe this shit actually exists to be honest ,oh yeah it don't, she's a prostitute

How many people have to tell you before you realise you're being taken for a mug ? Jesus, he's even paying for it ffs !

The problem is that this 'therapist' has told OP she isn't welcome as it would interfere with the relationship she has built with the client.

Are you fucking kidding me?

He’s done a right number on you, hasn’t he?

Maybe they need to change to a different tantric goddess who speicalizes in couples work.

@saffronsoup Tantric goddess has said she “can't teach the OP how to achieve the therapeutic effects which she can achieve party because its taken her years to learn (she also says she has a natural, almost mystical, talent for it), and partly due to their relationship getting in the way of a "therapist/patient" type dynamic” 😂

I mean, you have to hand it to the pair of them, they’ve done a right one on the OP. Couples across the UK engaged in affairs could learn a thing or two from them.

I can’t believe someone would seriously put up with this shit.

I couldn't stop thinking about you OP. Sorry you have found yourself so compromised.

I really really hope you are, and I don't say this frequently, going to LT(dirtylowdowngaslightibgmanipulating)B to his prostitute?

I know someone who does this sort of work. It’s really not prostitution.

HOWEVER - the OP has had a crap sex life for a number of years, the husband’s performance only improves with this level of hands on input from a therapist who is clearly going beyond usual boundaries. Plus they don’t have children.

He really doesn’t seem to be much of a catch to me. How much effort is reasonable to keep this marriage going?

So the tantric goddess is actually a glorified prostitute?

This.

As a (half) Indian person, anyone with even a smidgeon of knowledge of the tantras knows this is all arsewipe.

I don’t know why you’re entertaining any of this OP.

IKR

Is he getting turned on by her and then bringing that eroticism home so he can have sex? If so I'd be pissed off

Having googled it I'm a bit surprised...

Pelvic and prostate massage were both recommended for ED. Is she actually touching his pelvis and bum??

Jesus, I've read some things on MN but this takes the bloody biscuit.

Also... is he going to spend £600 a month... £7,200 a year on her for the rest of your marriage?

The massage is carried out mostly using hands, but in some cases with other body contact.

@Tornintwoparts, what other sort of body contact?

This prostitute has a gimmick. She is marketing herself (tantric bodyworker, mystical talent, therapeutic effects from experience which only she can achieve) as a palatable lure. She hooks her paying clients with her exposed body and erotic techniques, and with frequent chatting between appointments, which fosters an emotional connection and reliance. Her exclusion of spouses/partners from participating in the ‘therapy’ further insures the client’s sexual dependence on her.

After 2 years, your H is obsessed with this sex worker. She is a huge presence in his head and in your marriage, and he is fantasizing about her at home with you. In his belief-system, he cannot function sexually with you unless he has an ongoing physical and emotional relationship with her. Of course you are distressed about this set-up, as you are bargaining away so much.

@Tornintwoparts, I would no longer facilitate this open marriage.

@Tornintwoparts - my DH and I did tantric couples training for a few years. The point was that we learnt techniques for each other. We also learnt from someone who was a trained and very experienced psychotherapist as well as having trained in tantra. So it was a very safe space for learning and our teacher was very able to deal with any emotional fallout which came up for people as we were doing the training. It was fabulous.

However, this woman is interposing herself in a way which is really unhelpful to your couple relationship. Tantra can be great but there is a problem where some practitioners offer it as therapy without properly understanding their role in a therapeutic sense because they have only learnt the tantra techniques, they’ve not trained as therapists/counsellors. So there can be all kinds of issues with boundaries and with failure to provide the therapeutic support needed alongside the practices.

Also there’s quite a lot of polyamory in the tantra world. She’s not tuned into your need to be monogamous with your DH nor does she particularly respect your relationship.

Ultimately, this is how she makes her living and she clearly doesn’t see her work with your DH having any impending deadline so it becomes about whether you can live with this. It’s really tough. I would struggle deeply.

There are male tantric workers. But as it’s an unregulated profession with bodywork involved, potential women clients have to be extra careful.

Stick a new age name to something and it makes it sound legit.

Good old prostitution with an added bonus of carrot sticking the punters with a hope of some sort of relationship attatched.

She must be coining it in, she's a con artist op and a very devious one at that.

I'd be interested to know the percentage of male to female customers she has.

Well you've gave this all a fair shot, it's not working for you, so he'll need to try other forms of therapy. You are important too. No way would I tolerate this.

Has he tried EMDR? There's a newer form called accelerated resolution therapy which is supposed to be even better.
He would still have to talk about the trauma but only so the therapist knows what they're working with and to help guide him through the rest of the process.

I agree with everybody else it's a fancy wank with candles and spa music! A genuine therapist wouldn't need to be scantily clad either! I bet she wouldn't get clients if she looked like Susan Boyle!

Good god woman, wake up! He’s cheating on you with a prostitute in plan sight, simple as that. Therapists don’t get reviewed on UK Punting, they have qualifications and governing bodies. Tell him you’ve booked yourself in to see a male tantric ‘therapist’, his reaction will make it clear.

Oh and to add, I have trauma from childhood sexual abuse, I don’t think that gives me a right to cheat on my partner with prostitutes because I’m not a self centred, manipulative prick.

Dery The be PM'd you.