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Original poster

Regular tantric bodywork for ED (jealous wife)

255 replies

Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 10:12

Hello,

My husband and I are late forties, and have been married for 25 years.

My husband has for a long time had erectile dysfunction, and this caused problems in our physical relationship for a long time, as he withdrew from a lot of forms of intimacy.

He did try Viagra, but this did not work for him. The problem may not be physical (or not entirely physical) - he experienced sexual trauma when he was young.

A couple of years ago, he went to a tantric bodyworker (female) after reading some articles on the Internet saying that this could be helpful. It really was - his ED problems subsided a lot, and for the first time in a long time he was interested in a physical relationship with me.

He now sees this tantric practitioner regularly - once every few weeks. I have seen her website, and she is extremely attractive - much more so than I am, and much younger than me. She is definitely genuine - although its not a regulated profession in our country it seems clear that she is professional, and she doesn't have sex with her clients, and touch is one way only. He talks about her a lot, and they text each other regularly outside of appointments.

I expressed my discomfort with this continuing, but my husband says he needs to keep seeing her to be able to maintain a sex life with me, and to be able to feel sexual at all.

I feel really torn. On the one hand I totally agree that I only have a sex life with my husband due to this woman, but on the other hand I really hate the thought of him being touched intimately by someone else, and I feel jealous of the relationship my husband has with this woman. I also feel a bit inadequate that the only way my husband is able to have sex with me, is if he's been touched in an intimate way by someone else.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation, and how did they deal with it?

Thank you very much.

OP posts:
Fallingthroughclouds · 22/08/2023 17:13

Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 16:53

@SirChenjins

Obviously I can't tell you if its the true reason, but the given reason is that there is a difference between using tantra for better (or at least different) sex, and using tantric bodywork for therapy. The bits and bobs I've picked up can achieve the first bit, but not the second bit, presumably in the same way that a few tennis lessons might let me play a rally rather than miss the ball entirely, but not win any medals at Wimbledon.

I don't believe this for a second. She sounds like an absolute charlatan. Do you want her hanging around forever? If it's not had a permanent effect by now it never will. She doesn't want to lose her pay check, he doesn't want to lose his bit on the side, who it sounds like he is having a sexual and emotional affair with. You've been incredibly understanding, but this has gone way too far.

He has no intention of not seeing her again, but if he does quit (and you can trust he has given her up), he has asserted that he probably won't be able to have sex with you. No no no, awful situation. Enough is enough, get rid.

SilkenPilken · 22/08/2023 17:14

I knew someone who did tantric massage for a job. She was very hippy dippy and really believed in it all - chakras, always going on spiritual retreats. She definitely did not see herself as a sex worker, even though tantric massage always ends in orgasm. It was well paid.

Thefamilywaster · 22/08/2023 17:15

I always get so disappointed when women justify their own miserable relationships to ensure their partner gets sexual pleasure from another.

OP you’re clearly not confortable or happy with the situation, hence the post. What exactly do you want to hear? That your husband isn’t getting his jollies elsewhere and that you’re not being taken for a fool with his stories? If that’s what you want to believe then don’t post here.

the reality is another woman masturbates your husband and they message each other regularly while you sit waiting for a modicum of attention from him. If you dare to take away his prostitute friend (that’s what it is jazzed up to be legit) then he won’t do nice things to you.

he can’t get it up and it’s not physical, so it’s psychological but not when he’s with her. He gets it up just fine with her. Something has changed for him. He’s not prioritising you. He’s not doing this for you. None of this involves you or even needs you to be around.

get your own tantric therapist if you want but don’t let him bullshit you like this.

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 17:16

@Thefamilywaster

lI always get so disappointed when women justify their own miserable relationships to ensure their partner gets sexual pleasure from another.

Ate you aware of this being commonplace?!

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 22/08/2023 17:16

Hi OP, I have similar psychological ED issues to your husband.

The issue for me is that I get in my own head about losing my erection, during sex, which then happens, which only worsens the worry next time and becomes a vicious cycle.

I can see why the therapy helps your husband, it gives him a chance to prove to himself that he can get and maintain an erection with another human being in a low pressure environment. It doesn't matter if you're not putting pressure on him during sex, he's doing it himself. There's pressure that he'll leave you unsatisfied, feeling unattractive etc. Hes probably scared shitless he'll end up trapped in the same cycle as before, with it just getting worse and worse.

That said, I completely understand that this is a huge ask for you. Most people wouldn't be happy about their partner going off and getting anything sex related done to them by someone else.

I really don't think it's too much for you to ask he cuts off any non professional contact with this woman, and even tries knocking them on the head for a while, so see if they are even still needed.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 22/08/2023 17:19

Clothearedrabbit · 22/08/2023 16:43

I am not sure if this is real? I'm pretty hippy and this is obviously so out of order if it's true, I cannot believe any woman would allow this to happen.

Christ. He's using sex work services. Simple as that.

My initial reaction as well.

but my second reaction would be worry.
let’s assume that OP’s husband’s intentions are / were genuine. He’s a survivor of sexual violence, was deeply frustrated/angry by his inability to perform, couldn’t make his wife happy… that’s a person that would be vulnerable to abuse and exploitation.

and then he finds the “sex-goddess”, some spiritual wo-hoo healer who tells him that she’s the one with the mystical abilities that can help him.
She is skilled enough to at least partially / ensure that he returns, inserts herself in his life (the texting etc) and obviously also makes money.

spirituality/religion, sex, money and vulnerable people looking for a cure… that’s not a good combination!

this could be a case of somebody exploiting somebody’s trauma and pain for their own gains.

or OP’s DH is simply cheater who is paying a sex worker and trying to disguise it as therapy.

but neither is good. going to an actual therapist would be much better!

MsCactus · 22/08/2023 17:19

SirChenjins · 22/08/2023 17:00

Yada yada yada. As I said, you’ve fallen hook, line and sinker for his BS and seem remarkably unbothered and quite detached for some reason. He’s having a sleazy little affair, nothing more.

Show quote history

Yes this is obviously a line he's spinning you.

I'm all for open relationships and sexual exploration - but he's basically pretending to get what he wants. If it was genuine therapy and not just him having a crush on her, he'd have no problems only doing couples therapy (obviously with a different therapist as he's crossed the line with this current one by texting her so much) and involving you. Maybe it started as a genuine thing but now he just fancies her it seems

EllaPaella · 22/08/2023 17:25

I mean he basically isn't attracted to you physically anymore and seems to have got the ick. He can manage it fine for another woman but not for you... you are turning a blind eye to him using someone who is essentially a sex worker (with a posh name for it) and that's how the two of you are maintaining a relationship.
You deserve to find a man who desires you and finds you physically attractive. I honestly can't understand why you have stayed in this situation for so long.

jannier · 22/08/2023 17:26

To be honest I'd rather not have full penatrive sex than this....many prostitutes also claim this is part of what men get from it.

EllaPaella · 22/08/2023 17:27

If the issue is past trauma then surely psychological therapy would be more appropriate than paying someone to wank him off.

Original poster
Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 17:27

@fdgdfgdfgdfg

Thank you for sharing your experience, and your advice. The way you talk about it is very reminiscent of some of the things my husband said during sex therapy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 17:30

@EllaPaella

He did try talking therapy, and it didn't really help. Of course it could be he just didn't find the right therapist. I could suggest he does that again, but he really hated talking about it all before, and I think one of the things he liked (not the obvious thing I guess!) about the tantric therapy was that he didn't need to actually talk about his trauma.

OP posts:
SidekickSylvia · 22/08/2023 17:35

I'm sorry op, but your posts read as though your husband has fallen in love with his prostitute. And you're kind of okay with that, as long as his erection is happy.

LuckyPeonies · 22/08/2023 17:39

I am sorry, but this is total BS and dodgy as. She is not some mythical “tantric goddess” (🙄), she is basically a glorified sex worker with a very high opinion of herself, to whom he has developed an unacceptable attachment. I would not put up with this, and I certainly would no longer want to be intimate with him.

Sandra1984 · 22/08/2023 17:46

Tornintwoparts · 22/08/2023 17:30

@EllaPaella

He did try talking therapy, and it didn't really help. Of course it could be he just didn't find the right therapist. I could suggest he does that again, but he really hated talking about it all before, and I think one of the things he liked (not the obvious thing I guess!) about the tantric therapy was that he didn't need to actually talk about his trauma.

OP you have been justifying and advocating for tantric massage most of the thread so I’m a bit confused on why you have a problem with your husband getting them. I do understand your concerns regarding the messaging with the masseuse (quite unprofessional on her side). On the other hand your question is a tricky one because most people have different boundaries as to what constitutes infidelity. I’m very sex positive and wouldn’t have an issue with my partner getting a happy ending massage (good for him!) but for many women on this thread seems like grounds for divorce. Different mentalities different boundaries. You need to ask yourself what works for you not a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Thefamilywaster · 22/08/2023 17:50

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 17:16

@Thefamilywaster

lI always get so disappointed when women justify their own miserable relationships to ensure their partner gets sexual pleasure from another.

Ate you aware of this being commonplace?!

Do you read the relationship section of MN?

Pinkdelight3 · 22/08/2023 17:53

Hes probably scared shitless he'll end up trapped in the same cycle as before, with it just getting worse and worse.

Well then the therapy has been shit. If after two years, he'll be back to square one without this other woman wanking him off to make him feel like a man.

mauvish · 22/08/2023 17:55

Hang on - I've only just noticed this from the OP:

I'm definitely more tolerant due to the sexual trauma side, yes. It feels very wrong to shoot down anything which might alleviate the effects of that on his life. I was there when he started suffering from ED,

So let me check that I'm understanding this.

Your husband was subject to sexual trauma at a young age
He now blames that for his ED
BUT -- you knew him before the ED started -

so were you in a (sexual) relationship with him BEFORE the ED started?

If that's the case, then presumably he DIDN'T have ED early in your relationship -- yet had, at that point, nonetheless suffered the previous trauma?

I could be worn, apologies if I am, but if my reading is correct, then he started suffering from ED after having previously had a (satisfactory?) relationship with you?

Why is he blaming previous trauma for the ED now, if it didn't cause problems in previous years?

Ollifer · 22/08/2023 17:56

Is she not just a sex worker ? That's how it sounds, and obviously she's texting him between sessions she's getting good bloody money from him!

mauvish · 22/08/2023 18:00

"I could be wrong" -- I do indeed feel a little worn atm but that's not what I meant!

Sandra1984 · 22/08/2023 18:02

mauvish · 22/08/2023 17:55

Hang on - I've only just noticed this from the OP:

I'm definitely more tolerant due to the sexual trauma side, yes. It feels very wrong to shoot down anything which might alleviate the effects of that on his life. I was there when he started suffering from ED,

So let me check that I'm understanding this.

Your husband was subject to sexual trauma at a young age
He now blames that for his ED
BUT -- you knew him before the ED started -

so were you in a (sexual) relationship with him BEFORE the ED started?

If that's the case, then presumably he DIDN'T have ED early in your relationship -- yet had, at that point, nonetheless suffered the previous trauma?

I could be worn, apologies if I am, but if my reading is correct, then he started suffering from ED after having previously had a (satisfactory?) relationship with you?

Why is he blaming previous trauma for the ED now, if it didn't cause problems in previous years?

I agree, the whole ED due to sexual trauma sounds iffy.

RandomForest · 22/08/2023 18:05

Divorce him and find a decent man.

I couldn't be arsed with all of this shite.

Jammylou · 22/08/2023 18:06

I would be worried that the only reason he is now able to perform with you is because he is fantasisung about these sessions.

rolvus · 22/08/2023 18:07

RandomForest · 22/08/2023 18:05

Divorce him and find a decent man.

I couldn't be arsed with all of this shite.

This! When is it ever worth this. Could not be arsed.

Dragonwindow · 22/08/2023 18:10

Is her "natural, mystical talent" by any chance "being young and having big tits"?

This whole situation is ridiculous. You know that. You don't have to put up with feeling like shit, even if someone else tells you you should.