Regular tantric bodywork for ED (jealous wife)

[Tornintwoparts]

Hello,

My husband and I are late forties, and have been married for 25 years.

My husband has for a long time had erectile dysfunction, and this caused problems in our physical relationship for a long time, as he withdrew from a lot of forms of intimacy.

He did try Viagra, but this did not work for him. The problem may not be physical (or not entirely physical) - he experienced sexual trauma when he was young.

A couple of years ago, he went to a tantric bodyworker (female) after reading some articles on the Internet saying that this could be helpful. It really was - his ED problems subsided a lot, and for the first time in a long time he was interested in a physical relationship with me.

He now sees this tantric practitioner regularly - once every few weeks. I have seen her website, and she is extremely attractive - much more so than I am, and much younger than me. She is definitely genuine - although its not a regulated profession in our country it seems clear that she is professional, and she doesn't have sex with her clients, and touch is one way only. He talks about her a lot, and they text each other regularly outside of appointments.

I expressed my discomfort with this continuing, but my husband says he needs to keep seeing her to be able to maintain a sex life with me, and to be able to feel sexual at all.

I feel really torn. On the one hand I totally agree that I only have a sex life with my husband due to this woman, but on the other hand I really hate the thought of him being touched intimately by someone else, and I feel jealous of the relationship my husband has with this woman. I also feel a bit inadequate that the only way my husband is able to have sex with me, is if he's been touched in an intimate way by someone else.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation, and how did they deal with it?

Thank you very much.

Noone else intrigued and Googled this new goddess qualification.....

@mauvish

The sex therapist we saw didn't seem surprised that an unresolved sexual trauma could give rise to ED issues downstream. The way she explained it was that the issues may have been there earlier, but not present themselves as ED in a twenty-something male body. Fast forward to mid thirties, then the story may well be different.

I'm obviously not an expert on all this, but my belief that the ED was trauma based is based on what experts said (consultant said psychological, sex therapist said unresolved sexual trauma in the past could have led to it).

So I'm definitely not questioning that side of things, since the experts have already given me a firm conclusion on it.

I'm feeling from many of the posts on here that maybe I have been quite naïve in accepting so much of what has happened, and continued to happen, but I wasn't naïve on that point.

Yeah I kind of think at the end of the day, if you both agree it is mutually beneficial to the both of you then there is no harm in it but it has to have very strict professional boundaries in place and those boundaries should have your feelings and wellbeing as a priority

yes

and OPs allowing their men to be with other women to satisfy their sexual desires is not commonplace

He is ultimately seeing a sex worker and so I also think you are well within your rights so say no this is not ok to me at all. I guess it depends whether you feel it is beneficial or you or not.

"Prostate massage for men -- (is a) further option"
(from attachment above).

so that's something up the anus to stimulate the prostrate.

I used to be a massage therapist. I would get calls (and still do get calls) every day asking for this. Well they don’t ask….they ask for a massage in what they think is a sexy voice! And I tell them to fuck off.

I think a lot of men think it’s ok because they’re not actually having sex with the sex worker. And some cultures seem to think that all massage therapists are sex workers. This woman is someone who wants the money that sex workers make without the sex. And who can blame her? But it’s dangerous and soul destroying I would imagine.

“she also says she has a natural, almost mystical, talent for it), and partly due to our relationship getting in the way of a "therapist/patient" type dynamic.”

^
This is so concerning. For one “mystical talent”……what a load of BS. And for another thing what sort of therapy doesn’t aim to improve the ‘patients’ relationships in their real life and instead relies on an increasingly personal relationship between therapist and patient? No therapy I know involves the therapist and patient being friends and texting outside.

I am all for alternative therapies, I think they can be great. This just sounds like a glorified wank. Which if you are ok with that and that works for you both then fine…..pretending it’s something more verges On dilusional.

Is there an end goal to this therapy? Isn’t the point of therapy not to go on for ever but to get the individual to a point of needing it less and developing their own strategies to manage their needs?

What does certified mean? Certified by who?

Plenty of schools abroad and in the US doing tantra courses and issuing serious certifications, definitely not apt for the pear clutching brigade here who loves to make fun of sex workers because they think they’re better than them. Sad 😞

“Serious certifications”

what do you mean?!

Google it. Do your homework 📚

Oh don’t be daft.

“Serious”! 😂

Doesn’t certification usually being registered and recognised as qualified by some governing body for your speciality. I’m thinking like councillors?

She doesn’t want to lose a regular source of income. She sounds very unprofessional ( texting your DH) and your DH is treating you unfairly , sorry OP.

I googled it. Saw loads of random businesses offering courses but couldn’t see any info on national governing body or anything like that? Like you have with other forms of therapy.

We just need to take @Sandra1984 word for it when she says they’re “serious”

Why was this sex therapist (I assume with an actual bonafide qualification in psychotherapy) that you saw as a couple not a good fit? I don't understand how he went from seeing a qualified therapist as a couple to seeing some sort of self proclaimed "goddess" on his own.

Sorry OP I'm trying to understand the reasoning, but there must be some as I know I wouldn't just let my DH go off every couple of weeks for 2 YEARS to get wanked off by some scantily clad woman as a way of therapy. I'd rather not have penetrative sex ever again.

The problem is OP he hasn't involved you in this, he has kept you separate from it. So he now probably doesn't associate you with a relaxing time for orgasm. If it's true that he has ED with you because of performance anxiety, he could have brought you along to these sessions with the intent that you learn the massage techniques (which you could probably find in a book or online) and made it something you experience together going forward.

Instead he goes alone to a young, beautiful woman who pleasures him, with no pressure, so it's very stimulating and enjoyable for him. Of course he doesn't want to give that up.

But it's still leaving you out of the situation, and not considering your needs or feelings. Just because he has past trauma that doesn't mean he gets to treat you selfishly, or that your needs don't matter.

You are very keen to consider him and his needs, even above your own. But he doesn't seem to do the same for you.

If you were not having sex with him he’d justify having a tantric massage due to you not wanting sex.

He is denying you sex and he justifys visiting a tantric due to him not wanting sex.

You couldn’t make it up! Men always find a way to put their wants first.

How does he justify you not visiting a sexual worker for your needs to be met!

Can you imagine a woman saying to her partner ‘oh I visit Bryan for a tantric massage but I don’t always orgasm - it’s only £300 and it’s the only way I can have sex with you’.

Op the am positive if you examine your relationship and your partners behaviour carefully you will give he is selfish in many other ways. Is this really a life partner?

I can't believe you have agreed to your DH being wanked off by this Goddess. If my dh suggested that he'd never get sex with me again. I'd be straight to a solicitor and be finding myself a partner who fancied me not the Goddess.

Lol how gullible are you?

Yes!! NO chance would I be even remotely okay with this!! He’s full of shit op and so is this “professional”.

Interesting that instead of finding a professional psychosexual therapist through a bona fide organisation such as https://www.cosrt.org.uk/ he finds himself a very attractive goddess who will wank him off while wearing very little. Come on OP. You’re standing for the three card trick here.