I’ve done a terrible thing

[Miserablemondsy]

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

Yes, this.
Everything since has been a huge abusive lie.

People in committed relationships have no need to bring condoms to a course.

And people who are in committed relationship with a fiancée may have had the condoms on them anyway. This isn’t a basis on which to assume that they were there specifically for that occasion.

Let the disgust and the guilt you feel be your punishment. The burden of knowing and knowing your sister knows but your DH doesn’t will also be a heavy weight. If this is never ever going to happen again then don’t destroy your family for one stupid, irresponsible, thoughtless and selfish act. Take your sister’s advice.

We have! If this was a man they'd all be saying he should fess up and he's scum. In here, it's keep quiet, it's a big mistake, move on.

And making the argument that he's a man, he's probably cheated, OMG! If you feel that way about men, don't be with men! You haven't said it directly, but implied it, while others have said it directly... men will cheat and so its justified???

If the consensus in here (there is a massive majority!) is that as long as you feel guilty, cheating is fine, move on and don't tell your partner, you deserve to be cheated on. Cheating is the end of the line. You have made the decision for the relationship.

If this is real ,it was definitely planned .

Life isn’t like an episode of Eastenders where infidelities and lies always come out and sisters turn into back stabbers seeking revenge by destroying a marriage.

I trust my sisters implicitly and I wouldn’t dream of destroying one of their relationships if one of them confided in me.

You took the words right out of my mouth SmileyClare. I know my sister would take a secret to her grave if it meant protecting me and vice versa.
I'm not sure why people on MN think life is a soap opera.
Lots of people have confided their secrets to me - to date none of those secrets have become common knowledge.

I wonder if you mean to be as judgemental and bitter as you sound? You're assuming an awful lot here. Also, people do have lives to live, this thread is very young! Family/work/home etc might be prioritised over Mumsnet, I like to think so anyway!

I'm not putting a spin onto it, I'm asking the op a question. Who hasn't returned at all so all. Not sure why you are bothered about my questions.

This.
@Miserablemondsy If you truly loved your husband, you wouldn’t have got into a drunken situation with this man.
Your sister may well tell someone.
How would you feel if your husband was unfaithful?
The burden of guilt will eat away at you - that shows you have a conscience at least- Telling your husband could end your marriage though.

And people who are in committed relationship with a fiancée may have had the condoms on them anyway.

Generally kept at home, as there is no need for them when away from said fiancée.

In this situation, I would tell my Dh as I would not be able to cope with the guilt. Then I would try to go for counselling if he was willing. Or fix it if it could be fixed.

Don’t tell him, just move on and put it behind you. You children will be much happier with both parents together, if it’s generally a happy family environment at home without constant rows at home. You may have to live with a bit of guilt, but that’s preferable to all the pain a divorce with cause.
Mumsnet users hate affairs and there will be loads of calls to tell the truth, but it’s never that simple. Marriages are complicated, and go through so many stages. You will end up having plenty of secrets from each other, so do your best not to let this eat you up.
Also, and I strongly believe this, if your husband was truly giving you all the respect, attention and affection you need then this wouldn’t have happened. Don’t beat yourself up too much.

Telling your dh is the most selfish thing you can do. It will only benefit you in the short term as you will feel unburdened but will devastate everyone else.

Do you think your children will feel ok when they find out mummy and daddy split because mummy wanted to make herself feel better by telling daddy something that would mean all their lives got upended. Instead of keeping her mouth shut and moving on

You need to do as your dsis said and that is to put it behind you and find somehow to forgive yourself.

I would though be examining my life and marriage because something, no matter how drunk you were was deep down the driving factor in sleeping with this other guy.

Also, and I strongly believe this, if your husband was truly giving you all the respect, attention and affection you need then this wouldn’t have happened. Don’t beat yourself up too much.

I strongly disagree with this.

Yes, she's human and made a terrible decision.

No one is saying otherwise. However, cheating is not a mistake. A mistake downplays the nature of the incident-not surprising with some of the morally bankrupt people on this thread-but a mistake denotes a lack of intent.

Someone may forget to put their bin out on bin day by mistake. There's no intent there. It's a simple accident and one anyone can make.

A mistake is not putting another man's dick in your mouth and having full sex with him knowing what it will do to your family if your husband finds out.

OP lost the right to decide what happens to her family the second she kissed another man and then continued in her sexual interaction with him. Anyone that thinks she should just keep quiet is morally bankrupt and lacks respect for people.

I’ve seen plenty of threads, both on MN and GN, where men have been given exactly the same advice regarding confession in these circumstances.

And at no point in any of my posts have I said, or even implied that if he’s a man he’s probably cheated, nor have I implied that it would justify what the OP has done - but it would open up a whole new can of worms wouldn’t it ? Your partner confesses a one night stand, and puts you in control of what happens to your marriage - you know you’ve done the same, so what do you do ? But that’s beside the point - what I said was we don’t know if he has or not, or whether he would even want to know about a drunken one night stand. If it was a gay or lesbian relationship, I’d feel exactly the same. It’s not about whether he’s a man or not, it’s about the rights and wrongs of confession.

For myself, if my partner had had a drunken one night stand, instantly regretted it and resolved that it would never happen again - as the OP has done - I wouldn’t want to know. A long standing affair I definitely would want to know about because, for me, the emotional involvement would be the biggest betrayal, not the sex.

From the OP
"the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty".

So even before the "mistake" she admits she found him attractive and knew he liked her.
She should have booted him out when the other woman left, but made a conscious choice not to despite admitting they found each other attractive.

Two options, keep it to yourself and carry the guilt as punishment or potentially destroy your family.
It entirely depends on what your relationship is like with your husband. Was this a blip?
If so, keep it to yourself and just deal with the shit tonne of guilt.

I would absolutely want to know if my DH had a one night stand.

This thread is eye-opening to say the least.

We all know that if a man had posted here about cheating on his wife in a "one-off," he would be called all the names under the sun. He'd be told what a horrible person he was. How he absolutely should tell his wife and give her the opportunity to leave him.

But when it's a woman who has done the same thing, the vast majority of posters think her alleged guilt should suffice as punishment and she should just keep quiet. After all, why should a woman be expected to honour the commitment she made at the altar and why should she be expected to respect the man she's with enough to be honest with him?

Everyone makes bad decisions from time to time. This was a terrible decision-not a mistake-a decision. I don't think OP deserves to torture herself for all eternity for this-but I do think she lost the right to decide what becomes of her marriage after this. That ball should be firmly in her husband's court, but I suspect OP was looking for confirmation that she should lie and hide what she has done from her husband-which she has received in spades.

Her husband has the right to know who he is married to-and yes, this fact changes who she is. By telling him, she's not throwing a hand grenade into the marriage. She's already thrown it by cheating. It's just a matter of when or how he finds out.

I also think if someone is capable of cheating once they're capable of cheating twice and then so on. Especially if they receive no consequences for their actions.

There's a lot of PP's who appear to lack all decency, morals and respect for their partners-so long as it "only happened the once," and "you feel bad about it."

I agree. I’ve never been unfaithful and hope I never will. But you’re not starting an affair. Telling your husband about this stupid event will cause so much grief and damage to your marriage and family, everyone would be better off if you said nothing.

Nice to know that anyone considering the feelings of an innocent partner, and the potential devastation to the children involved is morally bankrupt !! What’s to be gained by confessing ? The OP will feel better, but everyone else will be devastated. For the sake of an instantly regretted, one off, drunken encounter in which bodily fluids were exchanged with absolutely no emotional attachment.

If you ever get over the guilt (and I hope you don't), I reckon you'll cheat on him again.

You have disrespected your husband and your marriage vows by having sex with another person behind his back. Show some respect and tell him the truth.

Then let him decide if he wants to continue the marriage with a cheater.

I would err on the side of ‘do unto others as they do unto me’.

If you’d be OK with your DH giving for eg, a work colleague, oral sex then having full sex with her on a works night out by ‘accident’, not telling you, kissing you, kissing your DC, continuing to have sex with you, pretending he was faithful and still the person you thought he was, then carry on and don’t tell him. Let him continue to think he’s in a faithful marriage.

There is a good chance that this little ‘accident’ will come out though especially as you’ve told someone (does your sister have a DP she might talk about it to?) and your OM knows your personal details and situation (less chance if it was a random you met in a bar).

He might decide to confess to his fiancée before his wedding so they start on a clean slate. He might tell someone like you told your sister.

I personally think it’d be much worse to find out about something like this months or years later.

If you do tell your DH, FGS do not spout the bull crap that something was missing in the marriage, you felt neglected blah blah!

You had an opportunity for hot sex with someone else that you were very attracted to. You didn’t have the self control, morals, respect for your DH or care enough for your DC not to do it so you did. Simple as.

Yes, you are morally bankrupt if you are happy for people to continue in their marriages based on a lie.

That is what that is. Her husband believes she is someone that she isn't. He believes she is faithful when she is not. He has the right to know who he is married to and to make an informed decision about his marriage.

You are all suggesting that OP removes that choice from him by deceiving him. How is that anyone other than a shining example of moral bankruptcy?

The only person lying truly helps is the OP. She can have her little night of alleged drunken fun, keep it to herself and face zero consequences for it. She lost the right to make all decisions in relation to her family the second she prioritised another man's dick.