I’ve done a terrible thing

[Miserablemondsy]

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

I am surprised at the amount of responses you have had advising you not to say anything.

Of course you have to say something and soon. If too much time passes he will realise that you weren't going to say anything - then the trust issues could run far deeper.

It is a bit of a lose lose situation. If you tell him he might not want to stay. If you don't tell him and then it comes out that you've covered it up he likely won't stay. If you don't tell him and he never finds out you will have to live with the guilt for the rest of your life.

Actions have consequence and he deserves to have a choice. I would be horrified if my husband did this to me but even more horrified if he didn't tell me. That would be worse than the cheating itself.

You know you have done a terrible thing but the worst part of this would be keeping it to yourself. Accountability is essential - an anonymous post saying you feel awful on Mumsnet is not accountability. Tell him.

There is not a single positive thing that will result from telling your husband.
You won't feel any less guilty, you'll just have the added guilt of having destroyed your family in a pointless attempt to salve your conscience.
Whatever anyone says, you haven't destroyed anything yet, so keep it that way.
The people telling you to confess are not thinking of your family's best interests. They simply can't see beyond their belief that you should be made to pay for your actions because its not fair for you to get away with it. Which perhaps it isn't. But the collateral damage to others is too high a price.

Exactly, that's how I'd feel too. As with all things in life, context is everything. I know I'd forgive my OH for a one-off, so the way I see it, what's the point in me knowing, the hurt/anger, etc for no benefit. I've never strayed myself, but if I did, as a one off, I'd not say anything for exactly the same reason, no point in hurting my OH for no reason/benefit - I'd feel guilty and mortified afterwards but that'd be my "punishment" and telling OH wouldn't make me feel less guilty!

Completely different scenario if either of us was having an affair or if "one offs" happened more than once of course!

Obviously, health is vitally important, so if I did it, I'd be getting myself checked out as soon as possible, and I'd trust my OH to do the same if he did!

This will eat away at you until you confess. Just be ready for the fall out.

No. No-one is saying it’s a silly mistake. She was unfaithful, and that’s enormous - it’s also not a mistake, it’s a conscious decision. And I haven’t seen any post advising that cheating is fine as long as you’re a woman and feel guilty - that’s a ridiculous takeaway from this.

No-one here knows whether her DH has cheated himself and kept quiet. No-one knows if he would even want to know. If it was a long standing affair I’d be in a different camp, because that’s not all about sex, it’s about emotional entanglement, which is the real infidelity. A drunken and stupid single encounter is different - it’s instantly regretted, as evidenced by the mutual decision never to speak of it again. It’s also an indication that something is lacking from the OP’s life, so maybe she can identify what that is and learn from the experience. If so, then living with the guilt is the price she will pay for not confessing her alcohol fuelled stupidity and wrecking her marriage.

Do not tell your husband, and do not have any further contact with the guy.

You have done a really stupid thing. Move on, learn from it and don’t ever put yourself in this position again.

I vehemently disagree that you should keep your mouth shut! Your DH has the right to make informed decisions about his relationship, his future and his sexual health, just as you do. You've betrayed him once by cheating. You're betraying him again by letting him blithely live a lie, investing his time and love into someone who isn't who he thinks she is. Yes, you'll be destroying his happiness and security - that of your children - when you come clean, but you made that choice when you cheated.

Try to forget it, move on. Get on with your life.
What do you hope to achieve by telling your husband? It will tear your marriage apart and then - if the marriage survives - you both live with the knowledge of what you have done eating away at you both.
Your penance is living with the knowledge you have broken your marriage vows. The guilt and shame you feel will fade with time but I'm pretty confident you won't cheat on your husband again and what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

All it takes is for your sister to get caught out talking to friends about it. Or she lets it slip in a argument then what do you do?

If you have worried about this enough to ask complete strangers on SM then keeping it to yourself will just eat you away.
I can not see how anyone can go about their day to day lives, pretending to be the perfect partner knowing that just a few months ago you were sucking some random guy’s cock!
Would you feel happy if, in 5 years time you found out your dh had sex with someone and deceived to bury his head in the sand and carry on as usual? I’d be fucking fuming and would never get over the betrayal.
And I am missing the point but you say you had safe sex? Who had the condoms? What kind of person goes on a training course in the hope of shagging some random?

Just forget it, like it was a bad dream, and accept your remorse to make sure it does not happen again.

I wouldn't tell him. If you don't have any further contact and you don't do anything like that again, I don't think it's worth risking the fallout presuming you love your husband and don't want to leave him. Put it down as a terrible mistake and focus on your family.

Could it be that the bloke himself had condoms - given that he has a fiancée it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that there were some in his wallet or something ?

Good point actually.

You're already having to live with what you have done. You need to decide whether it will make you feel better and ease your guilt if you confess all to him; but at the same time you need to consider if it could ruin a family with three other people in it. On balance, I'm slightly more inclined to agree with your sister.

This.

I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him.
Alone in a hotel room with a man and wine? Do you think we came over on the onion boat? What else could you have expected? Not being unkind, OP, but you got what you wanted!

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again
Fine, no problem there.

there’s mo need for any further contact.
Good-oh.

i’m devastated at what I’ve done.
Get a grip?

My older sister... I have confided in her.
Mistake! The only way to keep a secret is not to tell anyone. Now, you will always have to fear her deciding to tell, or accidentally giving you away.

She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut
That would have been a good idea. However, you chose a) to shag some random and b) to tell your sister. You don't want to keep it quiet.

Tell your husband and see the end of your relationship, OP. That's what you want. Actions speak louder than words.

Is there more to this op, you say you have done this course for a couple of years and that this guy has become a good friend over the time of the course. So was this more than a friendship, was there flirting / texting throughout? One of you brought condoms so sex must have been a possibility. I don't think it was all an innocent friendship until the wine got opened.

Absolutely this. I'm glad to see more posters say that the husband deserves to know who he's married to and make decisions for his life on that basis.

Don’t tell your husband.

Most likely your husband will be so hurt that he will want to spilt up.

If you do split the disruption to your children’s lives especially as they hit their teenage years, GCSEs etc will be huge and that will be your fault. You’ll guilty and this too and worse your husband will also feel bad about spilling up the family.

You should to keep your mouth shout and live with this at least until your children are grown up and independent. Learn from it and don’t let it happen again. Get an STD test.

My advice would be the same to a man.

And it also what I would want - if my partner cheated on me once, it wasn’t preplanned, they didn’t catch an STI and I never found out then I’d be happily ignorant and my life and family continues with no disruption.

However an ongoing affair where my husband was investing time, and probably money on someone outside of the marriage I would want to know about. A regular once a year shag at the Christmas party or annual company away day I’d also want to know about cos that is pre-planned. A one-off stupid mistake I don’t need to know about it I have children.

I think that it would be selfish and dishonest to not tell him. The initial act of betrayal of the marriage has happened. Not telling him would be a second and distinct act of betrayal. The good thing that would come out of telling him would be that gave him the choice to make an informed opportunity about his life. Honestly, I think if you love someone, you should give them that even if you don't like the consequences.

I think you are posting as you are hoping a) confessing to the faceless world will be enough to get it off your chest and stay quiet b) you’ll have enough people tell you not to tell him to justify to yourself to not tell him.

The reality is a man you found attractive was in your hotel room and started to flirt with you. Instead of booting him out you gave him a blow job and then had sex with him. It sounds like you have sub consciously wanting this to happen for a while but the timing was better as your course had ended and you wouldn’t have to see him anymore.

People in committed relationships have no need to bring condoms to a course.

I think you need to analysis why when faced with the decision to boot him out and protect your marriage or give him a blow job - you choose the blow job.

I wonder if the op is another 1 post wonder.
like the woman who blew a stripper on a hen do - she wont be telling DH and in a year or 2 will do it again

Don't tell your husband. The guilt is your penance and a reminder not to do it again. Telling him would just hurt him in an effort to make yourself feel better somehow.

I told my now husband years ago if he cheated and it was a huge mistake that he'd never repeat to not tell me. That it would just have to be his burden to bear.

The OP has told us what happened, and that it was a one off stupid act, partly fuelled by alcohol. Nothing has been mentioned about flirting or texting - that’s a spin you’ve put on it to make it more than it actually was. And the bloke who was party to this has a fiancée - do you not think it remotely possible that he would carry condoms as a matter of course, rather than jumping to the conclusion that the were brought specially for that occasion ?

Have I fallen into a parallel universe?

The point at which the OP had to decide whether she wanted to tear her family apart or not was in the hotel room. The choice has already been made.