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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve done a terrible thing

673 replies

Miserablemondsy · 19/08/2023 10:22

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

OP posts:
Blueblell · 19/08/2023 13:38

Don’t say anything and move on.

Stravaig · 19/08/2023 13:38

Also, and I strongly believe this, if your husband was truly giving you all the respect, attention and affection you need then this wouldn’t have happened. Don’t beat yourself up too much.

🤯
Make sure this is posted every time a woman has been cheated on.
No? Thought not.

Jackienory · 19/08/2023 13:40

Skiphopandajump · 19/08/2023 10:49

It was a stupid one off mistake. Telling your husband would be devastating for the whole family as well as your circle of friends.
Just don't do it again

Agree with this. You've confessed on her so leave it at that. Just don't make a habit of it.

Marmite17 · 19/08/2023 13:44

Definitely keep quiet, what good would confessing do apart from hurting your husband but maybe assuaging guilt, which is your pain to carry, not share? It was a one night stand, forgive yourself.

L0bstersLass · 19/08/2023 13:46

Skiphopandajump · 19/08/2023 10:49

It was a stupid one off mistake. Telling your husband would be devastating for the whole family as well as your circle of friends.
Just don't do it again

This.
You're already going to be punishing yourself.

AngelinaFibres · 19/08/2023 13:47

Stupid thing to do.
I bet the woman who left the room knows very well what happened later.
Telling your sister was an unbelievably stupid thing to do.
Keep your mouth shut and never ,ever contact him again.
Or tell your husband and destroy your marriage .

MotherofGorgons · 19/08/2023 13:47

Honestly, would people be so easily available to forgive themselves? I wouldn't. I would feel terribly guilty and eventually blurt it out months later, which would be worse. Better confess now and take the consequences.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 13:50

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 13:32

This thread is eye-opening to say the least.

We all know that if a man had posted here about cheating on his wife in a "one-off," he would be called all the names under the sun. He'd be told what a horrible person he was. How he absolutely should tell his wife and give her the opportunity to leave him.

But when it's a woman who has done the same thing, the vast majority of posters think her alleged guilt should suffice as punishment and she should just keep quiet. After all, why should a woman be expected to honour the commitment she made at the altar and why should she be expected to respect the man she's with enough to be honest with him?

Everyone makes bad decisions from time to time. This was a terrible decision-not a mistake-a decision. I don't think OP deserves to torture herself for all eternity for this-but I do think she lost the right to decide what becomes of her marriage after this. That ball should be firmly in her husband's court, but I suspect OP was looking for confirmation that she should lie and hide what she has done from her husband-which she has received in spades.

Her husband has the right to know who he is married to-and yes, this fact changes who she is. By telling him, she's not throwing a hand grenade into the marriage. She's already thrown it by cheating. It's just a matter of when or how he finds out.

I also think if someone is capable of cheating once they're capable of cheating twice and then so on. Especially if they receive no consequences for their actions.

There's a lot of PP's who appear to lack all decency, morals and respect for their partners-so long as it "only happened the once," and "you feel bad about it."

Another ‘once a cheat always a cheat’ post. You’re not actually considering her DH or her children, or anyone else for that matter, you’re looking for her to be punished.

There are two possible outcomes here. She can tell her DH in the spirit of allowing him to make an informed decision about whether he wants to stay with her, but the price he will pay is the devastation she will foist on him for her betrayal, and the responsibility he will feel for the fallout on his children and wider family if he decides to end the marriage. The OP will have assuaged her guilt at the expense of everyone else in her family, but at least there will be consequences for her, right ?

Or, she can say nothing, learn from what’s happened and count herself lucky she hasn’t lost everything she now realises is so dear to her, and her family will be none the wiser. For this, she will have to find a way to live with her guilt. Either way she’ll be punished.

Solitaryasanoyster · 19/08/2023 13:52

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 12:24

Well it’s not ‘accidental’ is it? A mistake implies just that. This was no accident. Lying to her DH for the rest of their marriage for her own self interest would also be another ‘mistake’. Or you know. bad decision.

Show quote history

A mistake is a wrong judgment, not an accident. There is no implication of an ‘accident’ in OPs post.
Sex wasn’t accidental and she hasn’t said that. It was a big error.

I also don’t believe she is simply thinking about her own self interest, but that of her partner and family, if she comes clean.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 13:53

Stravaig · 19/08/2023 13:38

Also, and I strongly believe this, if your husband was truly giving you all the respect, attention and affection you need then this wouldn’t have happened. Don’t beat yourself up too much.

🤯
Make sure this is posted every time a woman has been cheated on.
No? Thought not.

I’m probably going to get flamed, but I actually think there’s something to this. Men and women cheat for very different reasons.

Thatisthewayaha · 19/08/2023 13:54

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 13:50

Another ‘once a cheat always a cheat’ post. You’re not actually considering her DH or her children, or anyone else for that matter, you’re looking for her to be punished.

There are two possible outcomes here. She can tell her DH in the spirit of allowing him to make an informed decision about whether he wants to stay with her, but the price he will pay is the devastation she will foist on him for her betrayal, and the responsibility he will feel for the fallout on his children and wider family if he decides to end the marriage. The OP will have assuaged her guilt at the expense of everyone else in her family, but at least there will be consequences for her, right ?

Or, she can say nothing, learn from what’s happened and count herself lucky she hasn’t lost everything she now realises is so dear to her, and her family will be none the wiser. For this, she will have to find a way to live with her guilt. Either way she’ll be punished.

Show quote history

The devastation that he will feel is already baked in - that is the choice that she has already made. It doesn't seem that people can comprehend that this is no longer really about her and her punishment, it is about treating her husband with respect and not betraying him twice

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 13:55

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 13:50

Another ‘once a cheat always a cheat’ post. You’re not actually considering her DH or her children, or anyone else for that matter, you’re looking for her to be punished.

There are two possible outcomes here. She can tell her DH in the spirit of allowing him to make an informed decision about whether he wants to stay with her, but the price he will pay is the devastation she will foist on him for her betrayal, and the responsibility he will feel for the fallout on his children and wider family if he decides to end the marriage. The OP will have assuaged her guilt at the expense of everyone else in her family, but at least there will be consequences for her, right ?

Or, she can say nothing, learn from what’s happened and count herself lucky she hasn’t lost everything she now realises is so dear to her, and her family will be none the wiser. For this, she will have to find a way to live with her guilt. Either way she’ll be punished.

Show quote history

That's a really long-winded way of saying "Just continue to be a shitty person."

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/08/2023 13:55

Pinkdelight3 · 19/08/2023 10:50

Either way, get an STI test for fucks sake.

She said it was safe sex so presume that's not the concern.

There's no such thing as "safe sex", only "safer sex". Neither HPV nor herpes are stopped by condoms.

OP needs an STI test and not to sleep with her H until she gets the results, whether she tells him about the cheating or not. As a bare minimum, she owes the man she married the courtesy of protecting him from the health risks of the decisions that she has chosen to take.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 13:56

Thatisthewayaha · 19/08/2023 13:54

The devastation that he will feel is already baked in - that is the choice that she has already made. It doesn't seem that people can comprehend that this is no longer really about her and her punishment, it is about treating her husband with respect and not betraying him twice

Show quote history

It’s not about comprehending anything, it’s about whether you share that point of view.

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 13:57

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 13:56

It’s not about comprehending anything, it’s about whether you share that point of view.

Show quote history

We all already know you don't share the point of view that people should respect their partners by being honest with them and owning up to their decisions.

Don't worry-we got your message loud and clear.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 13:57

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 13:55

That's a really long-winded way of saying "Just continue to be a shitty person."

Show quote history

If you like - I like to think it’s a more considered point of view instead of the smug ‘tell him and face the consequences’ posts. Sorry.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 19/08/2023 13:58

I don't think you should tell your husband. But you have some serious changes to make. You didn't just make one mistake you made a chain of bad decisions. Drinking and socialising in your hotel bedroom instead of going out or sticking to the hotel bar; not ending the evening when the other woman left; drinking in your bedroom alone with an attractive man. Those were all bad decisions before you decided to have sex. You'll need to think how to protect your marriage from future "mistakes".

You acted like someone who either hoped to get the leg over with this bloke or who didn't care about protecting their marriage.

And good luck with "moving on". This will bite you on the bum when your DH decides to go off on a work trip with friendly attractive colleagues. From now on you'll have to trust him knowing you couldn't trust yourself.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 13:58

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 13:57

We all already know you don't share the point of view that people should respect their partners by being honest with them and owning up to their decisions.

Don't worry-we got your message loud and clear.

Show quote history

Not worried about anything. This is a public forum and I’m as entitled to my opinion as everyone else. Doesn’t make me a bad person.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 19/08/2023 13:58

PocketPoL · 19/08/2023 13:11

Have I fallen into a parallel universe?

The point at which the OP had to decide whether she wanted to tear her family apart or not was in the hotel room. The choice has already been made.

Exactly - OP has already fucked up her marriage and I suspect it's only a matter of time before her DH finds out.

Her sister knows.
The other man's partner could find out and tell him.
The other man could tell him.
The sister/other man could spill the beans to someone else who tells him.
OP could spill it in an argument, or while drunk, or in a moment of guilt.

The mistake has already happened. It's a bit too late to worry about it now.

MotherofGorgons · 19/08/2023 13:59

It's not smug "tell him and face the consequences". If my partner had a one night stand I would want to know immediately. Not have him make it worse by lying to me, or telling me later.

Really odd that being honest with your DH is now smug!

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 13:59

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 13:57

If you like - I like to think it’s a more considered point of view instead of the smug ‘tell him and face the consequences’ posts. Sorry.

Show quote history

A considered point of view that only takes into account the wants of one person to keep quiet and ignores the needs of the other person for honesty and to know who they married.

Gotcha. Moral bankruptcy dressed up as "Oh, I'm just being considerate of another's feelings!"

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 14:00

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 19/08/2023 13:58

I don't think you should tell your husband. But you have some serious changes to make. You didn't just make one mistake you made a chain of bad decisions. Drinking and socialising in your hotel bedroom instead of going out or sticking to the hotel bar; not ending the evening when the other woman left; drinking in your bedroom alone with an attractive man. Those were all bad decisions before you decided to have sex. You'll need to think how to protect your marriage from future "mistakes".

You acted like someone who either hoped to get the leg over with this bloke or who didn't care about protecting their marriage.

And good luck with "moving on". This will bite you on the bum when your DH decides to go off on a work trip with friendly attractive colleagues. From now on you'll have to trust him knowing you couldn't trust yourself.

Agree with this.

kidsonthemoon · 19/08/2023 14:00

To all men reading this I hope you got the message loud and clear.
You can cheat ,call it a horrible mistake , make sure your DW doesn't find out and you're all good.

Laurdo · 19/08/2023 14:01

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 12:46

Cheating isn't a mistake.

It's a series of decisions. A mistake is putting the wrong bin out on bin day.

Kissing a man, giving him a BJ and having sex with him (potentially multiple times) isn't a mistake. OP didn't mistake him for her husband, did she?

Show quote history

Exactly. I wouldn't even put myself in the position where I was alone with another man in a hotel room let alone actually cheat. If any man was being flirty with me I'd avoid him. I certainly wouldn't be sat drinking with him. Basically if I knew a situation would make my DH uncomfortable I wouldn't put myself in that position.

She knew she was attracted to the guy and that he was attracted to her. There were plenty of stages before getting to the point of shagging him that she could have stopped things. She should have just gone to bed when the other woman did but she continued to drink with him, went to his room and flung more alcohol into he equation. That was always going to be a recipe for disaster. Mistake or not she made a choice. In fact, she made several.

Spanky123 · 19/08/2023 14:03

SmileyClare · 19/08/2023 11:00

I’m with your sister. Keep your mouth shut, learn from this mistake x

Posts like this are incredible!! If it was the other way round the man would be crucified. The double standards on show in this thread are off the scale.