I’ve done a terrible thing

[Miserablemondsy]

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

Do. Nothing. It won't improve your life at all. You just have to put this one down to experience and look to the future.

You need to tell your husband immediately.

One of you brought condoms despite both being in relationships, so one of you intended on the possibility of sex with someone. Being tipsy isn't an excuse for cheating. I feel sorry for your husband and this man's fiancé. They both deserve better.
Of course you have no intention of telling your husband so I don't see the point of the thread, it's either a way of you getting it off your chest (as telling your sister wasn't enough) or just one of those posts that point out the difference in responses on mumsnet when a woman cheats.
Either way you haven't returned so maybe it's all BS.

Going against the grain here but if you know you won't do it again don't tell him and just throw everything into your relationship going forward.

Are people forgetting the fact that presumably he’s at home looking after their 2 DC so she can go and better herself/career by obtaining a degree. He thinks she’s off working towards getting said degree, but actually she’s accidentally staying alone with another man, drinking, accidentally flirting and getting tipsy with him, accidentally putting his cock in her mouth and then accidentally jumping on it? (Knowing as well, that he’s engaged and he’s also a dog for doing the same).

All the while DH is being treated like a mug and you’re all telling her it’s a mistake, don’t tell him and don’t do it again?

Does no one have any respect for anyone any more?

This thread has made me lose all faith in humanity.

Just about to say the same thing.

Can this thread be remembered the next time a man cheats and is absolutely vilified. FFS, the double standards on here...

You can't go back and change any thing...it's done now. If you were a serial cheat then I'd say he needs to know. If you're truly never going to do it again, then telling him will achieve nothing. It will only create misery for him, you and your dc. Just focus on being a good wife from now on.

Have zero contact with the guy, don't do it again with anyone else & just move on and forget it ever happened. It was a random, one off physical act not a full blown emotional affair going on for years. Frankly worse things happen.

Thats not against the grain! That's running dead along the grain! Everyone in here is telling OP it was a silly mistake and cheating is fine as long as you're a woman and feel a bit guilty!

The attitude in here is not to tell him if the reason is to feel better... live with the guilt and be a scummy liar.

Yes, I can understand that pov. Personally, I just feel that it's up to the individual and I'm of the mind that I can't make any assumptions about how someone feels, what drives them, what they struggle with. And therefore I can't make any assumptions about what the best decision or outcome for someone else. I've always been like that, it drives my family mad but helps me in my line of work! I've known the devastation of affairs, as a child and as an adult, it's horrific. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I suppose I feel like I'm a realist, developed through experience! Each to their own!

If my dh had a long affair or cheated on me every weekend, I'd want to know. If he made one mistake and really regretted it then I wouldn't want to know.

Cheating isn't a mistake.

It's a series of decisions. A mistake is putting the wrong bin out on bin day.

Kissing a man, giving him a BJ and having sex with him (potentially multiple times) isn't a mistake. OP didn't mistake him for her husband, did she?

No good will come of telling him. You will cause him unutterable pain for what? Relief of your conscience? You will be divorced and your children will lose their father. For what? A man you won't be seeing again. It is yourself you have to deal with. Introspection about why this happened. It means something, and if your marriage is to survive, you need to know what. If you don't understand why you did it, you will do it again. But I would do the work on yourself, suffer the guilt which is your punishment, and then forgive yourself and take the right action. Good luck.

Least said, soonest mended. It’s an old phrase but it works for me. In an era where a majority favour complete candour it can sometimes be hard to live with a secret. However I have done some things in my life that I would never tell anyone about and others only one or two very close and trusted friends know about. You may wish to consider what would be the impact on other people if you confess. What does that do to your family. Can you live with all possible consequences. Are you a person who is good at keeping secrets- do people confide in you knowing that you would never betray them? If so then maybe it would be better to keep quiet and concentrate on the present and not dwell on the past. Sure you’ll feel guilty but guilt can be a pretty overrated emotion. I live with my secrets, with time the memories fade and become less important. We are all human we all fail sometimes- it’s important to forgive yourself. Knowing that we are all fallible has made me less judgmental and more forgiving.

Keeping quiet is not a question of not giving a shit about anyone besides themselves though is it ? The same could be said of spilling all just to make herself feel better. Confessing will have the effect of assuaging her guilt, but will be devastating to her partner - how is that fair ? And it’s not just her DH that this will affect, it’s her kids and wider family. There’s a lot of ‘once a cheat always a cheat’ on here, and I don’t think all the advice to confess is based on DH’s right to an informed decision on what to do - it’s more the need for her to be punished for what she’s done. If the OP realises the enormity of what she’s done and how she put everything she has at risk, and knows she will never put herself in that position again, then keeping quiet and living with the guilt is the consequence of what she’s done and that will be her ‘punishment’.

I'd stay silent. It's not as if it was an affair, not as if you've done it before. It was a one-off. Assuming there's no other problems in your marriage, don't tell him and move on with your life together. Telling him won't make you feel less guilty and may risk your marriage. It's history, what's done is done. Move on and forget!

Maybe make a mental note to try to avoid getting into similar positions again in the future!

This. It's appalling.

As far as I read it was people saying she should.

Depends on cultural background too. A lot of people acknowledge these things can happen in life and in marriage. It isn't necessarily the end of a marriage.

Sleeping with another man is not great. The op made a bad decision...but she's a human being and human beings make mistakes. A long affair is very different. It's calculated and cruel. A one off mistake should not mean you break up your marriage and tear your family apart. Forget about it.

I would take the secret to the grave. One moment of madness doesn't need to define the rest of your life and change the course of your children's lives. If my husband cheated on me in the way you've described then i 100% wouldn't want to know because i love my life and don't want it turned upside down.

Absolutely agree

All those advising that OP keep this quiet, would you have wanted to have been lied to about the same then and would feel in lying that your DP/DH made the selfless decision and was some kind of hero? People have a right to know that they have been betrayed and a right to know their sexual health has been compromised by a cheating partner. There is a woman elsewhere planning to marry a man who accepted a BJ from an acquaintance and then went on to have sex with her - this is not someone I would want to marry, and I would want the option to decide if I wanted to be part of a relationship where I had been cheated on and not have that decision made for me by a spouse who was happy enough to do it at the time when it suited, but doesn't want their lives inconvenienced after the fact.

With respect OP, a blowjob is not 'safe sex' and it can be justified any which way with certain language - eg - he was flirting, he fancied you. I've been flirted with a number of times in my life but it's not resulted in a blowjob and subsequent sex over an evening. Had he or you brought condoms with you to this event to facilitate the 'safe' intercourse? if so what was his motivation for that?

The only right thing to do is to be honest and face the consequences, I would hope his partner would also be told so she can decide whether she wants to marry a cheat ( really, who would). Yes everyone makes mistakes, but you can't run with that narrative and then make another by lying about it and tricking people you love into a situation they may no longer want if they knew the truth.

I totally agree; I wouldn’t trust my sister to keep her mouth shut.

Taking it to the grave is already fucked, she told her sister. 🤦

Stupidest decision ever, second only to shagging and blowing another man.

I agree with this.

We all make mistakes. No-one on here can say that they have never made a mistake.