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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve done a terrible thing

673 replies

Miserablemondsy · 19/08/2023 10:22

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

OP posts:
Bromptotoo · 19/08/2023 16:52

Bloke here.

She and I, 40 years together, have both said in the past that a one off bit of tomfoolery wouldn't need to be the end.

A lot of me says that what happens on a course stays on the course.

Ultimately though none of us can referee other folks' relationships.

I think I'd probably 'fess up but choose my time

thisisyourwife · 19/08/2023 16:54

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 16:17

Yes, it is.

honestly I’m shocked at how many people on here are advocating for relationships tainted by huge amounts of deception and denial. Sweep it all under the rug for an easy life, hey.

Show quote history

@Rainydays777 While you are entitled to your opinion it is just that your opinion. Perhaps the OP can make peace with it? Perhaps the harm caused by telling her partner will all cause far more pain for him and the kids than just keeping it to herself.

Personally while I don't have any respect for what the OP has done it is quite possible that telling her husband will not really help anyone. Just my opinion though.

I think if my husband did such a thing, it was a one off with no real feeling or intent and it was never repeated, I think I would rather not know. Sex while it should be deep and meaningful in a relationship is also just a base biological urge with little to no meaning in certain circumstances she was drunk, she shagged a guy or she was drunk, she ate a greasy kebab on the way home even though she tells everyone she is vegan.

If the OP is serious about this all being an awful mistake she needs to never let herself get into such a position where this kind of thing happens again. So if she is away from her DH she never drinks if she has poor resolve under the influence of alcohol and avoid forming cosy friendships with men she finds attractive, if she keeps doing these things over and over then I think we can say her actions show intention to cheap and she should tell her DH. If she commits to not doing anything that could lead to this behaviour again and it really was a horrible mistake then the best thing in my view is to just deal with it herself and not ruin 3 other people's lives with the information.

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 16:54

GuinnessBird · 19/08/2023 16:30

Of course you need to tell your husband.

However I'm not surprised that most posters are telling you to keep your mouth shut.

It's a shame you didn't before sucking him off.

I have to admit I got a chuckle out of that last sentence.

It's true. I'm not remotely surprised at the responses here advising OP to keep her trap shut.

It's alright-according to MN, if you're a woman and give another man who isn't your H a BJ, and have sex with him, so long as you feel a little bad about it, you can just put it to bed and forget all about it. Your husband who you vowed to honour and respect and love doesn't need to know-why would he need to know a little detail like that, hm?

It's just a minor indiscretion. Can happen to anyone. We all make "mistakes."

stiltonbriecheddar · 19/08/2023 16:55

I can't believe the amount of don't say a word posts! Any other thread about cheating results in LTB or if it's a woman suspecting an affair then the man before any confirmation that he's cheated is getting his nads chopped off!!

Tiddlywinks63 · 19/08/2023 16:58

He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me
@IHateWasps Hardly just a spur of the moment thing either; it’s been building up for some time so no way is this just a spontaneous shag 🙄
OP had better hope that the other woman initially in the room keeps quiet too. A few rumours flying around at work aren’t going to be fun…..

Dolores87 · 19/08/2023 16:59

Comedycook · 19/08/2023 12:38

If it's a one off and you truly regret it then I'd say keep your mouth shut. I'd say this to a man too. And if my dh made one mistake, felt truly sorry and never did it again then honestly I wouldn't want to know.

I wouldn't want to know either if he truly truly regretted it and it really was an intoxicated mistake. In fact I think I would be even more upset that not only had he done something so awful he had then decided to unburden himself to me completely destroying the life I have here and making my life incredibly hard as I wouldn't be able to forgive him and would find myself a single mum isolated in a town i dont want to live in.

Addictedtohotbaths · 19/08/2023 17:06

FeelingHelpless99 · 19/08/2023 11:44

As someone who has recently stopped drinking after years of exceeding weekly units by a good margin, it is now really clear to me what a destructive force alcohol is. Society’s most addictive drug : as carcinogenic as smoking, as obesogenic as biscuits, and no comparable substance comes close to it in terms of fuelling arguments, violence, rape, and serious accidents

Look at the position it has put you in.

You’re filled with remorse. You love your husband, and he loves you.

Make a sizeable donation to a suitable charity, make amends to your husband through one or more generous or magnanimous deeds, and move on. Forgive yourself.

Amen this x

tjugofem · 19/08/2023 17:06

OP: Just found out that my husband slept with someone else and decided to keep it from me. I am devastated.

MN: He made a mistake! In fact, him choosing to keep it from you was actually a selfless act as he was afraid of destroying the family. It wouldn't have been a problem if only he was better at keeping secrets.

It's astonishing how hypocritical some posters on this site can be.

Tiddlywinks63 · 19/08/2023 17:08

UnctuousUnicorns · 19/08/2023 16:28

The fact that OP either didn't realise - or didn't care - how inappropriate it was for her to be drinking and chatting in a bedroom with an attractive (to her) man other than her husband, makes me somewhat doubtful of her protestations that it would never happen again. She didn't go from innocently chatting at the hotel bar to screwing him in her room in one instant.

Or managing to produce a bottle of wine from under the pillow or wherever.
This smacks of being premeditated.

JohnofOxford · 19/08/2023 17:12

Smug and pompous have already been mentioned in connections with the 'puritans'. May I add sanctimonious.
There are times when I get a glimpse of how vital the Roman Catholic teaching on forgiveness is. This is one of them.
There is no sin that cannot be forgiven.
It seems that the OP has confessed to herself and I am sure that God will have heard her plea, She will be forgiven. She has also said she will work toward atonement.

For Forgiveness, it is not necessary to ask for the victim to forgive, neither is atonement necessary.
It happens within the sinner. It will happen regardless of who on this board believes (or who come along with the magic fairy in the sky jibes).

LuckyPeonies · 19/08/2023 17:14

@Miserablemondsy has your husband indicated previously that a one night stand would be the end for him? If so, it would be fair to tell him so he can decide how to proceed. Perhaps along with some marital counseling to find out why you allowed it to happen.

thisisyourwife · 19/08/2023 17:24

@JohnofOxford Good post, I agree.

WednesdayLounge · 19/08/2023 17:29

Please don't tell him if you're sure it won't happen again, with anyone. It will cause so much pain and suffering for everyone. At the moment you're the only one suffering because you feel guilty. I think just keep it like that!

Xtraincome · 19/08/2023 17:31

"BJ and a shag", "tipsy" are still the watered down version of the story OP is wanting us to hear. If I gave a man a BJ and had sex with him the guilt would ruin me and it would be my duty as part of my marriage to tell my DH.

Your actions have broken trust and if you can brush it under the carpet then you don't much care for the life you and DH built together.

If my DH gave oral to another woman then had sex with her and kept it a secret because a forum told him to it would destroy us and would show him for the coward he was.

JohnofOxford · 19/08/2023 17:34

@thisisyourwife Thank you for that comment.
Do you understand the teaching around forgiveness? I wish I understood it. I know it. but only glimpses, as with much.
So as not to hijack thread, please PM if you can enlighten me.

Zebedee999 · 19/08/2023 17:34

Miserablemondsy · 19/08/2023 10:22

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

You made a mistake. You won't do it again. Forget it and move on, don't upset your children etc. You shouldn't have told your sister. Forget it and have a happy family life from here.

ToughFuss · 19/08/2023 17:37

This wasn’t ‘just a mistake’ was it? Be honest with yourself even if you won’t be to mumsnet. You knew you fancied him, you thought he liked you, you’d got closer over the course of your training, you chose to be in the same hotel room together, you chose not to leave when the other woman did, you chose to drink with him.. and you chose all the rest.
Be honest with your husband. He deserves to know who he’s married to.

MotherofGorgons · 19/08/2023 17:38

I dont think the OP is coming back.

Skyblue18 · 19/08/2023 17:44

GuinnessBird · 19/08/2023 16:32

Why do you feel sorry for the bloke's wife but not OP's husband?

Show quote history

I do feel very sorry for OP husband. I just don't feel this is worth destroying a family over. An affair yes, happening more than once yes, a drunken much regretted event, no.
My DH would never do this neither would I although I'd try to find it in my heart to forgive. There would be absolutely no second chances and I'd never forgive an afair

Waterweir · 19/08/2023 17:51

@CleverLilViper
Excellent post. There are so many smug posters on here who beg other posters to ltb if he smiles at another woman. There is a thread now where a woman is being bullied to leave her partner because he has had a female friend to stay.
If a woman has an affair or has casual sex with someone who is not her partner she is encouraged to forget all about it, The double standards on MN are awesome.

K8ate · 19/08/2023 17:57

If it truly is a one off mistake, I wouldn’t tell your dh. It will likely just destroy him and to be crude but honest, all he will be able to think about every time he looks at you will be the image of you enjoying being intimate with the other mans penis inside you and being away in your moment of enjoyment.
Put it behind you and move on for the sake of your family.

Truthseeker456 · 19/08/2023 18:00

Shut up and move on

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 18:06

It’s very strange how ignorance is bliss on mumsnet! Until of course, a poster suspects their partner or DH of cheating, and then they’re advised to gather as much evidence as possible and ‘get their ducks in a row’ in order to obtain a favourable divorce settlement…

infidelity doesn’t destroy relationships. Knowledge of it does! Who knew.

Tiddlywinks63 · 19/08/2023 18:20

JohnofOxford · 19/08/2023 17:12

Smug and pompous have already been mentioned in connections with the 'puritans'. May I add sanctimonious.
There are times when I get a glimpse of how vital the Roman Catholic teaching on forgiveness is. This is one of them.
There is no sin that cannot be forgiven.
It seems that the OP has confessed to herself and I am sure that God will have heard her plea, She will be forgiven. She has also said she will work toward atonement.

For Forgiveness, it is not necessary to ask for the victim to forgive, neither is atonement necessary.
It happens within the sinner. It will happen regardless of who on this board believes (or who come along with the magic fairy in the sky jibes).

I’m pretty sure her husband may think otherwise 🙄

tjugofem · 19/08/2023 18:20

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 18:06

It’s very strange how ignorance is bliss on mumsnet! Until of course, a poster suspects their partner or DH of cheating, and then they’re advised to gather as much evidence as possible and ‘get their ducks in a row’ in order to obtain a favourable divorce settlement…

infidelity doesn’t destroy relationships. Knowledge of it does! Who knew.

Even then, upon the husband finding out, I've seen posts over on the relationship board calling the husband selfish for leaving because he's "destroying the family". It seems like over here on MN cheating is only acceptable if the woman does it. Double standards galore.