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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve done a terrible thing

673 replies

Miserablemondsy · 19/08/2023 10:22

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

OP posts:
Seaswimmingforthesoul · 19/08/2023 18:28

Timetochangegonzo · 19/08/2023 15:34

I mean, it’s just sex. High chance he’s done it too - 70% of married men have cheated

What an absolute load of bollocks 🤣🤣🤣

Some people, honestly 🤣🤪

Otterhound · 19/08/2023 18:37

Still no sign of the OP
probably off shagging someone else from the group

Eleganz · 19/08/2023 18:38

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 16:54

I have to admit I got a chuckle out of that last sentence.

It's true. I'm not remotely surprised at the responses here advising OP to keep her trap shut.

It's alright-according to MN, if you're a woman and give another man who isn't your H a BJ, and have sex with him, so long as you feel a little bad about it, you can just put it to bed and forget all about it. Your husband who you vowed to honour and respect and love doesn't need to know-why would he need to know a little detail like that, hm?

It's just a minor indiscretion. Can happen to anyone. We all make "mistakes."

Show quote history

It is because many on MN are myopically focussed on what is best for the woman in any situation. As it is better for her to maintain her marriage, then that is what many will advise and bugger the deception required to do it.

I've sadly been on the other end of this and I'll tell you what is worse that being told by your SO that they have cheated on you and it is finding out for yourself while your SO continues to lie and gaslight you until it becomes undeniable.

5128gap · 19/08/2023 18:40

Waterweir · 19/08/2023 16:28

Place marking to offer this thread as advice to women whose husbands 'accidentally' cheat once. It has a very different tone to the standard LTB advice to women cheated upon in this situation.

Why would you do that? If a woman is posting about her husband cheating, 'accidentally' or otherwise then she will obviously know already, won't she? Hence posting. The subject of this thread isn't 'is cheating bad?' It's 'should I confess to cheating?' Entirely different question.
But clearly the difference is lost on the people who want to use it as an opportunity to centre men and how unfair MN is to them in everything. Tedious and irrelevant.

Dolores87 · 19/08/2023 18:46

5128gap · 19/08/2023 18:40

Why would you do that? If a woman is posting about her husband cheating, 'accidentally' or otherwise then she will obviously know already, won't she? Hence posting. The subject of this thread isn't 'is cheating bad?' It's 'should I confess to cheating?' Entirely different question.
But clearly the difference is lost on the people who want to use it as an opportunity to centre men and how unfair MN is to them in everything. Tedious and irrelevant.

Show quote history

Exactly. Big difference between advising someone as to whether to disclose cheating and advising someone who has discovered cheating.

Eleganz · 19/08/2023 18:46

5128gap · 19/08/2023 18:40

Why would you do that? If a woman is posting about her husband cheating, 'accidentally' or otherwise then she will obviously know already, won't she? Hence posting. The subject of this thread isn't 'is cheating bad?' It's 'should I confess to cheating?' Entirely different question.
But clearly the difference is lost on the people who want to use it as an opportunity to centre men and how unfair MN is to them in everything. Tedious and irrelevant.

Show quote history

So do you think they should confess or not? How should they deal with any suspicions raised by their spouse?

Eleganz · 19/08/2023 18:48

Dolores87 · 19/08/2023 18:46

Exactly. Big difference between advising someone as to whether to disclose cheating and advising someone who has discovered cheating.

Show quote history

But many of the threads are about suspecting cheating, not discovering it. It seems that many on MN are not happy with men who lie to women and conceal the truth in this situation but are more than happy to encourage women to go down a route that pretty much ensures that they will behave that way if confronted themselves.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/08/2023 18:52

Haven't RTFT because I checked and OP hasn't been back.

There hav been a rash of threads recently started and not returned to. Often about things that seem to get a different response when it's a man versus a women. And it's the summer holidays.

Spanky123 · 19/08/2023 18:53

5128gap · 19/08/2023 18:40

Why would you do that? If a woman is posting about her husband cheating, 'accidentally' or otherwise then she will obviously know already, won't she? Hence posting. The subject of this thread isn't 'is cheating bad?' It's 'should I confess to cheating?' Entirely different question.
But clearly the difference is lost on the people who want to use it as an opportunity to centre men and how unfair MN is to them in everything. Tedious and irrelevant.

Show quote history

Everything that is wrong with mumsnet and this whole thread summed up in one post.

tjugofem · 19/08/2023 19:02

Eleganz · 19/08/2023 18:48

But many of the threads are about suspecting cheating, not discovering it. It seems that many on MN are not happy with men who lie to women and conceal the truth in this situation but are more than happy to encourage women to go down a route that pretty much ensures that they will behave that way if confronted themselves.

Show quote history

I do wonder what the responses would be like if OP created another thread asking what she should do now that her husband has suspected her of cheating. Will posters advise her to continue hiding it? She's come so far with the secrecy, so why not keep up with it!

MotherofGorgons · 19/08/2023 19:05

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/08/2023 18:52

Haven't RTFT because I checked and OP hasn't been back.

There hav been a rash of threads recently started and not returned to. Often about things that seem to get a different response when it's a man versus a women. And it's the summer holidays.

You know, you are absolutely right. And I always fall for it!

5128gap · 19/08/2023 19:07

Eleganz · 19/08/2023 18:46

So do you think they should confess or not? How should they deal with any suspicions raised by their spouse?

Show quote history

In this specific scenario I'd advise against confession because in a bad situation its the least harmful action.
My reasons are nothing to do with the sex of the poster, and everything to do with damage limitation. Not necessarily for the OP, but for the other people concerned.
Her husband and children don't deserve to have their world torn apart. And while the OP has cheated, their world remains intact, because they don't know. So she is still in a position where she could spare them pain.
The fact he is what some people term 'living a lie' is irrelevant to his happiness and wellbeing, because he doesn't know.
The only way this could change is if found out, and the chances of this being discovered appear slim. If that weren't the case then that would give more weight to the argument to confess.
If the spouse raises suspicious then she should confess straight away. Gaslighting a partner who knows there's something amiss is extremely harmful. But that isn't where we're at here.

5128gap · 19/08/2023 19:14

Spanky123 · 19/08/2023 18:53

Everything that is wrong with mumsnet and this whole thread summed up in one post.

Show quote history

Goodness. I had no idea I could be so succinct. Am I up for an award?😊

BackAgainstWall · 19/08/2023 19:15

Do not tell him.
Don’t ruin your family because of very stupid drunken one night stand.
It will haunt you forever.
LEARN from it.

C1N1C · 19/08/2023 19:19

5128gap · 19/08/2023 19:07

In this specific scenario I'd advise against confession because in a bad situation its the least harmful action.
My reasons are nothing to do with the sex of the poster, and everything to do with damage limitation. Not necessarily for the OP, but for the other people concerned.
Her husband and children don't deserve to have their world torn apart. And while the OP has cheated, their world remains intact, because they don't know. So she is still in a position where she could spare them pain.
The fact he is what some people term 'living a lie' is irrelevant to his happiness and wellbeing, because he doesn't know.
The only way this could change is if found out, and the chances of this being discovered appear slim. If that weren't the case then that would give more weight to the argument to confess.
If the spouse raises suspicious then she should confess straight away. Gaslighting a partner who knows there's something amiss is extremely harmful. But that isn't where we're at here.

Show quote history

By that logic, you're giving her free rein to cheat ad infinitum because as long as she keeps it a secret, husband and kids have a stable family unit.

Bravo.

I REALLY wish all the men out there saw how many women were saying this. This is sick! How dare any of the women here EVER complain about men cheating if this is their consensus (seriously, I've done the counting... ~75%!) attitude.

Actually, it makes me wonder if men are the bad ones at all... they get labelled as the more sexually promiscuous and unfaithful, but maybe it's just that the women hide it better under the justification that 'oh it will hurt people more, so I'm just going to keep quiet'. Maybe men are just not as good at lying.

Dolores87 · 19/08/2023 19:21

Eleganz · 19/08/2023 18:46

So do you think they should confess or not? How should they deal with any suspicions raised by their spouse?

Show quote history

The truth.

Not freely disclosing randomly is one thing but if your partner is suspicious and you would have to gasslight and lie to them then you should confess.

OPs partner doesn't have any suspicions though, she is just talking about randomly telling him because she feels so bad.

MotherofGorgons · 19/08/2023 19:22

Well it's achieved the OPs goal of getting sympathy for poor downtrodden men.

tjugofem · 19/08/2023 19:24

I guess having a secret lover in another continent is also all good because what someone doesn't know doesn't hurt them! The world is now my oyster with this knowledge.

Eleganz · 19/08/2023 19:24

5128gap · 19/08/2023 19:07

In this specific scenario I'd advise against confession because in a bad situation its the least harmful action.
My reasons are nothing to do with the sex of the poster, and everything to do with damage limitation. Not necessarily for the OP, but for the other people concerned.
Her husband and children don't deserve to have their world torn apart. And while the OP has cheated, their world remains intact, because they don't know. So she is still in a position where she could spare them pain.
The fact he is what some people term 'living a lie' is irrelevant to his happiness and wellbeing, because he doesn't know.
The only way this could change is if found out, and the chances of this being discovered appear slim. If that weren't the case then that would give more weight to the argument to confess.
If the spouse raises suspicious then she should confess straight away. Gaslighting a partner who knows there's something amiss is extremely harmful. But that isn't where we're at here.

Show quote history

"Chances appear slim" is a big judgement there to justify a big lie in a marriage. Also I think your view is very two dimensional and only think about the immediate impacts.

If it comes out later it is far more likely to cause more hurt and damage as years of lying will be compounded on it.

Not to mention OP's guilt and shame and how they deal with it impacting their personality and how they act in the marriage including it being more easy to justify further episodes of infidelity. This is something people who advocate lying know always conveniently gloss over.

To me you are condoning lying and deceiving someone who is supposed to trust you and rely on your the most for the sake of an easy life.

If my ex had confessed about his infidelity after the first time, at the time, may have been able to get past it. However he hid it and eventually I had to find out about it and it caused me massive amounts of pain and heartache and a feeling I had wasted years of my life on a marriage that was a lie. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

tjugofem · 19/08/2023 19:25

MotherofGorgons · 19/08/2023 19:22

Well it's achieved the OPs goal of getting sympathy for poor downtrodden men.

It's not about men. I'm a woman who dates woman and if my partner cheats, I would like to know and be allowed to decide if I should/should not proceed with the relationship. It's just basic respect for your partner.

Eleganz · 19/08/2023 19:25

Dolores87 · 19/08/2023 19:21

The truth.

Not freely disclosing randomly is one thing but if your partner is suspicious and you would have to gasslight and lie to them then you should confess.

OPs partner doesn't have any suspicions though, she is just talking about randomly telling him because she feels so bad.

Show quote history

So it is okay to lie as long as no-one suspects anything!

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 19:34

So if the people who think OP should be honest and respect her husband and her vows are “smug,” “pompous” and now “sanctimonious,” what are those people who think the OP should remain quiet?

How’s about immoral? Low ethics? Spineless? Selfish?

Waterweir · 19/08/2023 19:36

There are often posts on MN from women who know that someone's husband is cheating and most responses are to tell her about it because she deserves to know. No advice there to keep shtum to preserve the happy family unit.
To the poster suggesting this is a troll thread. There are many troll threads on here where the poster mysteriously disappears. Anyone one remember the recent one about the husband not paying his rent. Yet because this thread is highlighting the fact that 75% of the posts support the woman not telling her husband about cheating on him, some posters appear to decide it must be a troll thread. It does, whether it is a troll thread or not, highlight the difference in attitudes on MN to men and women cheating.

Wouldyouguess · 19/08/2023 19:36

5128gap · 19/08/2023 19:07

In this specific scenario I'd advise against confession because in a bad situation its the least harmful action.
My reasons are nothing to do with the sex of the poster, and everything to do with damage limitation. Not necessarily for the OP, but for the other people concerned.
Her husband and children don't deserve to have their world torn apart. And while the OP has cheated, their world remains intact, because they don't know. So she is still in a position where she could spare them pain.
The fact he is what some people term 'living a lie' is irrelevant to his happiness and wellbeing, because he doesn't know.
The only way this could change is if found out, and the chances of this being discovered appear slim. If that weren't the case then that would give more weight to the argument to confess.
If the spouse raises suspicious then she should confess straight away. Gaslighting a partner who knows there's something amiss is extremely harmful. But that isn't where we're at here.

Show quote history

So you think her husband remaining with a woman who planned to cheat for a long time (being attracted to the dude, staying behind with him, staying with him 1:1 in a hotel room, getting a mouth full of his... ) and him randoimly having a condom in his jeans pocket is 'damage limitation' and the best option? They had been attracted to each other for a while, I bet the young guy saw a desperate woman coming his way and well, here it is, but the husband deserves better than this. He and the kids deserve better than a woman who throws their life away for a cheap thrill.

MotherofGorgons · 19/08/2023 19:39

@tjugofem you are preaching to the choir, really. I already said way upthread that the OP should tell her husband if this is real. But I have my doubts.