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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve done a terrible thing

673 replies

Miserablemondsy · 19/08/2023 10:22

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

OP posts:
lemmein · 19/08/2023 16:10

C1N1C · 19/08/2023 11:21

Jesus, I've been counting, and it's 3:1 in favour of don't tell!

So moral of the story, if you feel guilty, keep it quiet. You're only a bad person if you're a MAN and you cheat.

I agree that men get a roasting on here for similar, however my advice to a man in the same position as the OP would be to keep their mouth shut. If my DH made a drunken mistake that he bitterly regretted I wouldn't want to know.

Wouldyouguess · 19/08/2023 16:12

Truemilk · 19/08/2023 15:37

If it was 'safe sex' that means someone had condoms?

Why would either of you have them with you unless it was something you or him were preparing for?

Because they planned it, being the last meetup.

GreenMonstersParty · 19/08/2023 16:12

If you are happy with your husband, don't want to split up, will not see this man again & will never do this again - keep your mouth shut. Accept it was a terrible thing to do, but was a one off, won't happen again and do not tell anyone - ever. The guilt you feel is the price you will pay so learn from it and never do it again.

And get a sti test just to be sure you have not put your dh at risk.

thisisyourwife · 19/08/2023 16:13

Popworld · 19/08/2023 16:09

I think you bullshit. Its definitely made up

Show quote history

I could be bullshit and a troll type thread but does it really even matter? We don't know the OP or her family and the situation is hardly that unusual so if it provides a platform for his to talk about the issue who cares? The effect on us is exactly the same. I am dubious about many threads on here but only complain or report if I think it is some weird manosphere guy.

Wouldyouguess · 19/08/2023 16:13

angela99999 · 19/08/2023 16:07

Yes, this. Do you really want to rip up your life for one stupid mistake?

Show quote history

A mistake would be if she accidentally fell with her mouth open on his protruded d*, but that was not the case, was it.

Mari9999 · 19/08/2023 16:16

@Miserablemondsy
Find a priest,minister, or rabbi and confess it you must. You should not seek your need to confess by creating an unnecessary pain and burden for your husband.

If you are certain that this will never happen again (although I would imagine that prior to this event you would have sworn that this could never happen), your penance should be your having to bear this information alone.

It is obvious that you should abstain from drinking if you can not control your limits and subsequent actions.

I think that you should seek some counseling to explore your action and motivations. Not all people who become drunk they move to cheating.

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 16:17

thisisyourwife · 19/08/2023 16:10

@Rainydays777 But is it really a great big lie in the middle of your relationship? Or is it just a stinky pile of shit at the edge of it which you can sort of push away and forget about and not ruin everything for the sake of a moments madness?

The minute it becomes more than a one off thing then you need to come clean but I think lots of people make mistakes, realise how stupid they have been and never repeat it.

Yes, it is.

honestly I’m shocked at how many people on here are advocating for relationships tainted by huge amounts of deception and denial. Sweep it all under the rug for an easy life, hey.

Moveoverdarlin · 19/08/2023 16:17

I think people are being harsh on you OP. Say nothing, draw a line and never think about it again. Fortunately the man is getting married too, so he’s very unlikely to ever mention it either. Never think of it again, don’t beat yourself up. It was a mistake to tell your sister but that’s done now.

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 16:18

Moveoverdarlin · 19/08/2023 16:17

I think people are being harsh on you OP. Say nothing, draw a line and never think about it again. Fortunately the man is getting married too, so he’s very unlikely to ever mention it either. Never think of it again, don’t beat yourself up. It was a mistake to tell your sister but that’s done now.

Yes, so fortunate for his fiancée who has no idea she’s about to marry a lying cheater.

what is wrong with people?

samyeagar · 19/08/2023 16:24

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 16:18

Yes, so fortunate for his fiancée who has no idea she’s about to marry a lying cheater.

what is wrong with people?

Show quote history

But as long as he feels sufficiently guily, she doesn't need to know. He doesn't deserve to have his whole life blown up by a mistake, and it would be incredibly unfair to her happiness if he told her.

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 16:26

samyeagar · 19/08/2023 16:24

But as long as he feels sufficiently guily, she doesn't need to know. He doesn't deserve to have his whole life blown up by a mistake, and it would be incredibly unfair to her happiness if he told her.

Show quote history

Like I said, shocked at how many people are advocating for relationships tainted by lies and denial. He was ‘incredibly unfair’ to her happiness when he cheated. Same as the OP.

but no, being a shit person is fine as long as no one else sees or knows about it.

Ahsoka2001 · 19/08/2023 16:26

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 10:52

I doubt any men confessing to a one night stand on here would be told they’re not an awful person… and it was ‘just a mistake’.

^ This

Spanky123 · 19/08/2023 16:27

samyeagar · 19/08/2023 16:24

But as long as he feels sufficiently guily, she doesn't need to know. He doesn't deserve to have his whole life blown up by a mistake, and it would be incredibly unfair to her happiness if he told her.

Show quote history

HE DOESNT DESERVE TO HAVE HIS WHOLE LIFE BLOWN UP BY A MISTAKE... Sorry, who jumped in bed with another man and had sex with him?

Waterweir · 19/08/2023 16:28

Place marking to offer this thread as advice to women whose husbands 'accidentally' cheat once. It has a very different tone to the standard LTB advice to women cheated upon in this situation.

UnctuousUnicorns · 19/08/2023 16:28

The fact that OP either didn't realise - or didn't care - how inappropriate it was for her to be drinking and chatting in a bedroom with an attractive (to her) man other than her husband, makes me somewhat doubtful of her protestations that it would never happen again. She didn't go from innocently chatting at the hotel bar to screwing him in her room in one instant.

LoverofGreen · 19/08/2023 16:29

SpanielsMatter · 19/08/2023 10:55

I don’t think it serves any purpose in ‘confessing’, if anything it will impact 3 lives and cause needless upheaval. Put it to the back of your brain and move on. Not great but not worth destroying a family over. Many on here will be outraged and will urge you to wear a hair shirt … absolutely no point and being truthful am unsure how many ppl would actually confess.

It happened, it shouldn’t have happened but it did, now don’t let guilt send a grenade into your own family. Everyone makes mistakes your job is to limit the damage and ensure it never happens again.

This

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 16:29

Waterweir · 19/08/2023 16:28

Place marking to offer this thread as advice to women whose husbands 'accidentally' cheat once. It has a very different tone to the standard LTB advice to women cheated upon in this situation.

Exactly. The problem isn’t that he cheated. The problem is you know about it. He just made a mistake and doesn’t deserve his whole life to be ruined.

as if.

GuinnessBird · 19/08/2023 16:30

Of course you need to tell your husband.

However I'm not surprised that most posters are telling you to keep your mouth shut.

It's a shame you didn't before sucking him off.

Skyblue18 · 19/08/2023 16:31

I feel very sorry for his future wife. Perhaps he wanted a last fling 🤦‍♀️
I think you should forget it happened. It was a mistake fueled by alcohol not an afair and you've learned your lesson.

GuinnessBird · 19/08/2023 16:32

Skyblue18 · 19/08/2023 16:31

I feel very sorry for his future wife. Perhaps he wanted a last fling 🤦‍♀️
I think you should forget it happened. It was a mistake fueled by alcohol not an afair and you've learned your lesson.

Why do you feel sorry for the bloke's wife but not OP's husband?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/08/2023 16:36

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 12:47

Keeping quiet is not a question of not giving a shit about anyone besides themselves though is it ? The same could be said of spilling all just to make herself feel better. Confessing will have the effect of assuaging her guilt, but will be devastating to her partner - how is that fair ? And it’s not just her DH that this will affect, it’s her kids and wider family. There’s a lot of ‘once a cheat always a cheat’ on here, and I don’t think all the advice to confess is based on DH’s right to an informed decision on what to do - it’s more the need for her to be punished for what she’s done. If the OP realises the enormity of what she’s done and how she put everything she has at risk, and knows she will never put herself in that position again, then keeping quiet and living with the guilt is the consequence of what she’s done and that will be her ‘punishment’.

Show quote history

It’s some going to make out that not telling her partner she betrayed him and has put him at risk of STI’s is fairer to him than not telling him.

If you think she shouldn’t tell him that’s one thing, dressing it up as being fairer to the man she cheated on is ridiculous.

She stopped being fair on him the moment she cheated on him. Keeping quiet is for her benefit, not his.

BIossomtoes · 19/08/2023 16:38

It’s some going to make out that not telling her partner she betrayed him and has put him at risk of STI’s is fairer to him than not telling him.

You missed safe sex in the OP?

Happynow · 19/08/2023 16:39

readbooksdrinktea...."Dont be so pompous..."there but for the grace of God" etc.
She made a mistake, recognises it as such, has resolved it would never happen again so why blow up a family and inflict unnecessary hurt on those you love....
Dont tell, live with it and resolve to do better. You're happy in your relationship and we all make mistakes. Forgive yourself and move on."

This

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/08/2023 16:41

BIossomtoes · 19/08/2023 16:38

It’s some going to make out that not telling her partner she betrayed him and has put him at risk of STI’s is fairer to him than not telling him.

You missed safe sex in the OP?

No I didn’t, but like the OP (and several other posters) you’ve clearly missed that some STIs, herpes and syphilis to name two, are not stopped from spreading by condoms.

Dolores87 · 19/08/2023 16:44

Honestly i wouldn't say anything. It was an incredibly awful thing to do but you know that and you are going to feel guilty about it for the rest of your life. Telling will explode everyone's lives and cause no end of hurt.