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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve done a terrible thing

673 replies

Miserablemondsy · 19/08/2023 10:22

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

OP posts:
VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/08/2023 15:36

Pipsquiggle · 19/08/2023 14:29

@IHateWasps

So you would seriously jeopardize everything in your life and your whole family's life (and for their entire lives) for an isolated, deeply regrettable mistake?

Show quote history

It wasn't a mistake, it was a string of mistakes. She chose to get drunk with a man she fancied, she chose to be alone with him, and she chose to actively participate in sex with him. Had she stayed sober, left when her female colleague did, or refused the sex, she wouldn't be facing her current dilemma. She had plenty of chances to stop herself from having an affair and chose not to take any of them.

Spanky123 · 19/08/2023 15:37

Timetochangegonzo · 19/08/2023 15:34

I mean, it’s just sex. High chance he’s done it too - 70% of married men have cheated

how have you arrived at this statistic?

Truemilk · 19/08/2023 15:37

If it was 'safe sex' that means someone had condoms?

Why would either of you have them with you unless it was something you or him were preparing for?

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 19/08/2023 15:38

Timetochangegonzo · 19/08/2023 15:33

These things very, very rarely go without being discovered

Don’t agree with that one bit

I guess I've just seen too many threads on here from devastated women who have found out about secret affairs/ONS after someone decides to spill the beans.

Not only are they devastated about the cheating, they're devastated that nobody told them - because it makes them feels like they've been taken for complete and utter fools.

Zanatdy · 19/08/2023 15:38

I would just keep it quiet. Sorry I know that’s not very honest but it will destroy your family no doubt if it’s all over because of this (which it would be).

Zanatdy · 19/08/2023 15:39

Truemilk · 19/08/2023 15:37

If it was 'safe sex' that means someone had condoms?

Why would either of you have them with you unless it was something you or him were preparing for?

Maybe he went out and got some

Truemilk · 19/08/2023 15:41

Zanatdy · 19/08/2023 15:39

Maybe he went out and got some

Show quote history

If that's the case it makes it worse tbh, they could have stopped at that point when they realised they didn't have any

JudgeAnderson · 19/08/2023 15:43

*How many threads are there on places like AIBU with the woman posting about her H doing something relatively minor and the consensus is LTB? Loads.

A woman posts here about cheating and the consensus is, "Keep quiet."*

She's got children. It's not fair that their entire lives get grenaded over one poor decision from their mother.

BravoMyDear · 19/08/2023 15:43

Rainydays777 · 19/08/2023 11:53

Everyone who is saying they would rather not know if their DH did something similar… I don’t understand why everyone is so happy to live in denial in a relationship that has a great big stinking lie in the middle of it.

this isn’t exactly true love is it. Some seedy night in a hotel giving a man who is engaged to some other poor woman a BJ and a quick shag.

so depressing.

I’m with you on this, I can’t believe the amount of people telling OP to keep her mouth shut and ‘just don’t do it again’!

Staying quiet is deliberately misleading your spouse, lying by omission and not giving them the chance to make an informed decision as to whether THEY want to continue the relationship with a cheater.

People who say confessing will only upset the partner are just trying to justify doing a shitty shitty thing and not facing the consequences. As for “confessing will ruin your marriage” I think you’ll find it’s actually the infidelity that does that.

5128gap · 19/08/2023 15:44

Timetochangegonzo · 19/08/2023 15:29

That's very easy to say when it's not happened to you

@cinnamonfrenchtoast isn’t that the whole point - you wouldn’t know! Blissful ignorance

Exactly this. No one can possibly say it's better for the husband to know as they by the very nature of the thing, have no idea what it's like to be in his position and none the wiser. You can't extrapolate from how you feel knowing something about how someone else feels not knowing it. Its paradoxical thinking.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/08/2023 15:46

babbscrabbs · 19/08/2023 15:29

Tell you what, I'd bet 90% of men who cheat wouldn't even deliberate over telling their partner whatsoever.

Show quote history

So 90% of cheating men have no sense of honesty and will endanger their wives' health by risking bringing an STI home, so what? That doesn't make it right for them to do it and it doesn't make it right for the OP to do it.

This is why I am happily a spinster. I'd rather be alone than married to someone who thinks that playing russian roulette with my sexual health as well as his own is OK.

Spanky123 · 19/08/2023 15:48

This thread has made me realise the moral compass of woman is probably worse compared to that of men.

bumblingbovine49 · 19/08/2023 15:48

Ideally you would keep quiet but the reality is that you cheated for a reason and you are unlikely to never repeat that mistake again unless you work out why it happened.

Working out why it happened will almost certainly involve taking to your husband about your marriage and doing some soul searching and communicating and working on your relationship . That will be difficult if not impossible to do with you keeping such a big secret from him.

It seems to me that you are stuffed really. It is a bit late for honesty . The time for that was before the mistake when you were experiencing whatever it was that led you to cheat on your husband. Honesty at that point might have saved your marriage, or not but it was possible. Now I'd be surprised if honesty will save it.

samyeagar · 19/08/2023 15:49

And five years down the line when the OP comes back because her husband is divorcing her after he found out...

The bastard! Didn't he know how quilty she felt? Couldnt he see her being the perfect wife and mother all those years? How dare he divorce her over something that happened so long ago.

LTB!

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 19/08/2023 15:57

JudgeAnderson · 19/08/2023 15:43

*How many threads are there on places like AIBU with the woman posting about her H doing something relatively minor and the consensus is LTB? Loads.

A woman posts here about cheating and the consensus is, "Keep quiet."*

She's got children. It's not fair that their entire lives get grenaded over one poor decision from their mother.

Maybe she should have thought about that before fucking about her husbands back then Hmm

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 15:59

JudgeAnderson · 19/08/2023 15:43

*How many threads are there on places like AIBU with the woman posting about her H doing something relatively minor and the consensus is LTB? Loads.

A woman posts here about cheating and the consensus is, "Keep quiet."*

She's got children. It's not fair that their entire lives get grenaded over one poor decision from their mother.

Plenty of those posters have children too, but doesn't stop the countless posts advising them to LTB.

She's already done that by cheating on him-it's just a matter of when and how he finds out about it.

Steamedbadger · 19/08/2023 16:03

Hell no, keep your mouth shut. And in future, keep your mouth shut.

UnctuousUnicorns · 19/08/2023 16:03

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 15:00

Gosh, have you ever considered a career as a mind reader ? She was in her own hotel room after the other person left , not hanging around his hoping for him to ‘give her a rose’. Grow up. The OP told you what happened, why try to spin it a different way when it’s already not the best of situations ?

Show quote history

Yep, alone in her hotel bedroom, her only company a man who was not her husband, whom she was attracted to, and for whom the attraction seemed mutual. Chatting, flirting, and sharing a bottle of wine with this man who is not her husband, lest anyone forget. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? 🤔

Switcher · 19/08/2023 16:05

This is why I avoid even ending up in a situation like this. Either a) Never be alone with any man you fancy who is not your husband , or b) don't fancy men who are not your husband, or c) if don't stay married to men you don't fancy.

samyeagar · 19/08/2023 16:06

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 19/08/2023 15:57

Maybe she should have thought about that before fucking about her husbands back then Hmm

Show quote history

The most fascinating part of that mindset is the implication that if HE decides to end the marriage over her actions, that he is now complicit in destroying his kids lives. And would no doubt be blamed for such.

angela99999 · 19/08/2023 16:07

Skiphopandajump · 19/08/2023 10:49

It was a stupid one off mistake. Telling your husband would be devastating for the whole family as well as your circle of friends.
Just don't do it again

Yes, this. Do you really want to rip up your life for one stupid mistake?

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 19/08/2023 16:08

samyeagar · 19/08/2023 16:06

The most fascinating part of that mindset is the implication that if HE decides to end the marriage over her actions, that he is now complicit in destroying his kids lives. And would no doubt be blamed for such.

Show quote history

Exactly - the entire thread is batshit.

Popworld · 19/08/2023 16:09

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 19/08/2023 16:08

Exactly - the entire thread is batshit.

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I think you bullshit. Its definitely made up

Popworld · 19/08/2023 16:09

I meant

I think you mean bullshit.

thisisyourwife · 19/08/2023 16:10

@Rainydays777 But is it really a great big lie in the middle of your relationship? Or is it just a stinky pile of shit at the edge of it which you can sort of push away and forget about and not ruin everything for the sake of a moments madness?

The minute it becomes more than a one off thing then you need to come clean but I think lots of people make mistakes, realise how stupid they have been and never repeat it.