I’ve done a terrible thing

[Miserablemondsy]

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

This also assumes that HE keeps to their promise and doesn't tell anyone else. We already see that the OP couldn't.

If this group is as close as these groups tend to be, most of them probably know already.

The OP threw the bomb into her relationship the second she started sucking the guys dick. The only question now is how long is the fuse.

It is good to know though that I can violate my wife's hard boundaries and deal breakers, and so long as I feel sufficiently guilty, I don't have to tell her.

That's very easy to say when it's not happened to you.

You made a choice. Be a grown up and live with the consequences. Show your husband some respect and own up.

That’s a stretch. I’ve seen quite a few MN and GN threads where men have been advised to do exactly the same - if it was only once, instantly regretted and never to be repeated, keep quiet.

No-one cheats with the express intention of confessing afterwards. And a lot of posters are deluding themselves if they think that the main reason for confession is about respecting your partners’ right to know and decide - if you were bothered about that you would have considered it before cheating and it would have been enough to stop you. It’s about assuaging the guilt that you’re finding more and more difficult to carry. It’s about owning up and feeling better by not dealing with the guilt alone any more. When you confess you pass off your guilt to the injured party and you feel better. Screw the fact that the confession turns the lives of everyone involved upside down. So what ?You feel better for sharing. Isn’t it possible that that is more selfish than trying to convince yourself that you’re confessing out of respect for your partner ? If you respected them so much, why cheat in the first place. Such hypocrisy.

How do they know ?

Can you honestly keep that from someone that you supposedly love?

How would you feel if he had cheated? Told his sister and asked on the internet and decided to keep quiet?

You are not protecting him or your family. You are protecting yourself and lying to your loved ones.

Yes, you have done a terrible thing. Your husband deserves to know, its selfish of you to keep quiet.

I would not tell my husband. If there is no chance of him finding out.

How is it going to help anything or anyone? Is this just to ease the OP's conscience?

No way would I tell my DH.

Then again, I would never do this. Shag another man whilst married.

I don't think it's about passing guilt to make yourself feel better. I doubt the OP will feel better about anything after telling her husband what she did. I absolutely believe that he has a right to know that he is married to a cheating liar. She has already destroyed their marriage, he just doesn't know it yet.

Why do you want to tell him? To make yourself feel better? Let your punishment be living with the guilt.

Agree with this. Ignorance is bliss. Don't tell another soul. But you'd bloody better not do it again.

It's selfish to tell him too.

There's no great outcome either way tbh.

At least if you don't tell him it's better for the family unit.

I wouldn’t want to know if I was your partner. An affair maybe but a one off shag? Not worth blowing up everyone’s lives for, it’s just sex

It's really not selfish to tell him, its selfish NOT to tell him.

That's very easy to say when it's not happened to you

@cinnamonfrenchtoast isn’t that the whole point - you wouldn’t know! Blissful ignorance

True.

But I guess my point is - OP can't guarantee that nobody else will tell her DH, can she? It's all very well people saying "Just don't tell him", but she can't control anyone else's actions.

In fact, she's already broken her promise with the other man by telling her sister - so who's to say how many people he's told?

And will her husband really feel better to know his wife lied to him for days/months/years to "save his feelings"?

Tell you what, I'd bet 90% of men who cheat wouldn't even deliberate over telling their partner whatsoever.

For now.

These things very, very rarely go without being discovered.

People post about stuff like this on Mumsnet hoping most people will say "It's OK hun, don't tell him, it's the right thing". So she does want to feel better.

OP should probably read all the threads about women finding out their husbands cheated on them and the horrific effect it has on their mental health, and let her poor husband go and find someone who deserves him.

@CleverLilViper I kind of agree in that sometimes the women here are very harsh on the men however I don't think she should tell unless there is more to this than she is saying. I guess if she were coming on here and saying my husband cheated, had a one off night with another woman and regrets it the thing is she would still know, so the trust maybe lost forever the the relationship damaged beyond repair. As it is he doesn't know and if she doesn't tell him then perhaps she can bury it, forget it, or just live with the pain on her own and keep everyone elses happiness intact, if she tells him it take on a life of it's own and who knows what happens he may be able to forgive her but very few men do.

There are a lot of positive things coming out from the confession- for her husband who deserves to know the truth. She already destroyed the marriage for the sake of a little thrill.

Agree with this

These things very, very rarely go without being discovered

Don’t agree with that one bit

I mean, it’s just sex. High chance he’s done it too - 70% of married men have cheated

I pity the poor soul who is married to you.