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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve done a terrible thing

673 replies

Miserablemondsy · 19/08/2023 10:22

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

OP posts:
cinnamonfrenchtoast · 19/08/2023 14:50

Wouldyouguess · 19/08/2023 14:49

Mistakes happen by accident, giving someone a blow job and f* them is hardly a 'mistake'.

Show quote history

Exactly!

A mistake is spilling coffee on the new carpet, or forgetting to put the bins out - it's not actively choosing to fuck someone behind your husbands' back.

Spanky123 · 19/08/2023 14:51

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 14:49

I completely agree with all of this.

At the end of the day, it boils down to respect and trust.

If my partner cheated on me but told me about it as soon as he could-I would actually consider if we could actually work on the relationship and fix it. No guarantees-but I'd have a lot more respect for him because he was honest with him even though he knew it could be detrimental to him.

If my partner cheated on me and lied about it and I found out through some third party-I'd never be able to respect him or trust him again. He wouldn't just be a dirty cheat, he'd be a dirty cheat who lies to cover his own ass as well.

What respect can there be for a person like that?

Let's look at it like this:

OP has prioritised herself already. She's prioritised what she wants over her family by cheating.

By lying, she will further prioritise herself to ensure that she remains securely in the marriage.

You are all kidding yourselves if you think that her DH won't see it that way if it ever comes out. He will-he won't see her deception as her protecting him and their children from pain. He will see it as her protecting herself from being booted from the marriage. I'd imagine he would feel like a complete fool if he finds out down the line off someone else.

That is the reality because it is true. Pretend all you want that it's about protecting the family-it's not. It's about the OP keeping herself in the marriage by deception.

A lot of people have advised to keep quiet under the caveat of "If there's no way he can find out." So, it seems people's morals and decency is contingent on if they think they're going to get caught or not. If they think they can get away with something-do it and keep quiet and dress up keeping it quiet as some noble attempt to live with the guilt and protect your "loved" ones.

But the moral "police" are bad-because it's terribly inconvenient to have morals and decency and to treat others with honesty and respect, isn't it?

Show quote history

This ^

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 14:52

It's not an affair.
*
It's a drunken shag which she immensely regrets
*
I am not saying I condone her actions but I don't think she should bugger up her entire life and her family's life over this.

Affair or ONS. It's not a mistake either way.

And clearly you do condone her actions when you and others are encouraging her to screw over her partner not just once, the ONS, but twice by deciding that the relationship is going to continue regardless of her partner's feelings. Because his feelings, his wishes don't matter. He's just a pawn in the OP's little world and it's what's best for her that matters. Perhaps in 10 years it'll come out and he might feel that he's wasted ten years of his life in a marriage based on a lie but who gives a shit about him?

Wouldyouguess · 19/08/2023 14:52

And you are both pretty disgusting, you knew he was getting married and still had sex with him, his future wife also deserves better.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 14:52

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 19/08/2023 14:44

"There but for the grace of God" is such bollocks.

Lots of people manage to have nights out with their colleagues and don't fall into bed with them at the first opportunity. Lots of people manage to go out drinking and don't fuck around behind their partners' backs.

One night stands are a choice - I really don't know why everyone is trying to convince themselves otherwise Confused

Show quote history

No one is denying that it’s a choice - alcohol fuelled or not, it’s still a choice. The debate is whether or not to confess to something that’s never likely to happen again, and ruin yours and everyone else’s lives in the process.

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 14:54

Well said @CleverLilViper

Goodviibrations · 19/08/2023 14:55

You should say, and you should have said as soon as you returned home. Now this is hanging over you and eating you up, while your husband is left in the dark.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 19/08/2023 14:55

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 14:52

No one is denying that it’s a choice - alcohol fuelled or not, it’s still a choice. The debate is whether or not to confess to something that’s never likely to happen again, and ruin yours and everyone else’s lives in the process.

Show quote history

It's a bit late to worry about ruining lives now - the time for that was before OP chose to fuck her colleague behind her DH's back.

Seaswimmingforthesoul · 19/08/2023 14:55

I am astonished by the amount of people saying 'it was just a mistake, just don't do it again!' Wtf!?

Would you be saying that if it was a man who'd had a one night stand? I've seen threads on this site with men doing FAR less and you lot have him strung up by the danglies!

Honestly, the DH has a right to decide for himself whether this is something he's prepared to live with. If OP doesn't tell him she needs to live forever knowing that essentially she's in a marriage that DH likely wouldnt want to be in if he knew the truth.

She did a terrible thing and needs to do the right thing by owning up. Otherwise it's incredibly cruel on DH.

Wouldyouguess · 19/08/2023 14:55

Also, I bet deep inside you really wanted to screw a younger man just to see if you could. You dont just hang around a hotel room after the other person left drink a bottle of wine flirt and hope he will give you a rose and go to his room. It's so bloody dishonest for you to say you have an 'amazing guy' at home while really you needed an ego boost, and now regret that you may be found. Your partner deserves the truth and make a choce just like you had a choice to ask the young guy to leave but decided you'd rather suck him off.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 14:57

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 14:50

Because your point of view shows a lack of moral standards.

You know if multiple people on the same thread have questioned your moral standards, I'd start looking at your moral standards and wonder why.

Show quote history

Well so far, you’ve pretty much been the lead voice in questioning my moral standards haven’t you ? And for the umpteenth time, I haven’t actually expressed an opinion one way or the other, just pointed out both sides. Unless mind reader is one of the many, many lovely qualities you’re demonstrating here.

Seaswimmingforthesoul · 19/08/2023 14:58

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 19/08/2023 11:58

I hate how, when a woman cheats, she's told to keep quiet - yet when a man does it, he's labelled all the names under the sun and told he deserves whatever he gets.

OP's DH deserves better than to be unknowingly stuck in a marriage with someone who's cheated on him.

100% this

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 19/08/2023 14:58

Confessing this will ruin your marriage. Move on and don't do it again

Viviennemary · 19/08/2023 14:58

Just keep quiet about this if you want your marriage to last. That would be my advice.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 15:00

Wouldyouguess · 19/08/2023 14:55

Also, I bet deep inside you really wanted to screw a younger man just to see if you could. You dont just hang around a hotel room after the other person left drink a bottle of wine flirt and hope he will give you a rose and go to his room. It's so bloody dishonest for you to say you have an 'amazing guy' at home while really you needed an ego boost, and now regret that you may be found. Your partner deserves the truth and make a choce just like you had a choice to ask the young guy to leave but decided you'd rather suck him off.

Gosh, have you ever considered a career as a mind reader ? She was in her own hotel room after the other person left , not hanging around his hoping for him to ‘give her a rose’. Grow up. The OP told you what happened, why try to spin it a different way when it’s already not the best of situations ?

Tweedlelove · 19/08/2023 15:01

You sound mortified at your actions. If it’s not happening again I would suggest not ruining your marriage over it. Maybe you need to look at why you did it.

Spanky123 · 19/08/2023 15:02

This thread is unreal!!!
This morally bankrupt advice should be printed off and passed to all the men out there and put in a guidebook - HOW TO CHEAT GUILT-FREE, written by Woman.

Comedycook · 19/08/2023 15:04

Spanky123 · 19/08/2023 15:02

This thread is unreal!!!
This morally bankrupt advice should be printed off and passed to all the men out there and put in a guidebook - HOW TO CHEAT GUILT-FREE, written by Woman.

Except many women on here have said if their husbands had done this they'd rather not know.

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 15:05

Comedycook · 19/08/2023 15:04

Except many women on here have said if their husbands had done this they'd rather not know.

Show quote history

Because they'd want the same pass judging by their posts.

Spanky123 · 19/08/2023 15:05

Comedycook · 19/08/2023 15:04

Except many women on here have said if their husbands had done this they'd rather not know.

Show quote history

that’s far from the concensus....

5128gap · 19/08/2023 15:06

Wouldyouguess · 19/08/2023 14:55

Also, I bet deep inside you really wanted to screw a younger man just to see if you could. You dont just hang around a hotel room after the other person left drink a bottle of wine flirt and hope he will give you a rose and go to his room. It's so bloody dishonest for you to say you have an 'amazing guy' at home while really you needed an ego boost, and now regret that you may be found. Your partner deserves the truth and make a choce just like you had a choice to ask the young guy to leave but decided you'd rather suck him off.

Lol. You do realise that younger men willing to have a ONS with older women (much older than OP too!) are a dime a dozen? If all the OP wanted was to sleep with a younger man she could have done so pretty much at any time simply by going out on the town and being receptive to approaches. I know you're aiming to insult the OP but that's a daft stretch of the imagination.

Wouldyouguess · 19/08/2023 15:06

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 15:00

Gosh, have you ever considered a career as a mind reader ? She was in her own hotel room after the other person left , not hanging around his hoping for him to ‘give her a rose’. Grow up. The OP told you what happened, why try to spin it a different way when it’s already not the best of situations ?

Show quote history

I have actually! I am doing on on mumsnet for free as we are talking.

OP wanted to screw a younger guy, waited until the end of the course (conveniently, they dont have to talk about anything now)- this was planned and she is only trying to excuse herself because she woke up and now regrets potentially losing all stability. She very deliberatly had sex and now ooops it's a 'mistake'. It's not. Her partner deserves a chance to walk away from such shit show or a relationship and to know who he's been with.

WhatWhereWho · 19/08/2023 15:07

Seaswimmingforthesoul · 19/08/2023 14:55

I am astonished by the amount of people saying 'it was just a mistake, just don't do it again!' Wtf!?

Would you be saying that if it was a man who'd had a one night stand? I've seen threads on this site with men doing FAR less and you lot have him strung up by the danglies!

Honestly, the DH has a right to decide for himself whether this is something he's prepared to live with. If OP doesn't tell him she needs to live forever knowing that essentially she's in a marriage that DH likely wouldnt want to be in if he knew the truth.

She did a terrible thing and needs to do the right thing by owning up. Otherwise it's incredibly cruel on DH.

It's Mumsnet -the same posters saying that would say the opposite if it were a man asking the question.

thisisyourwife · 19/08/2023 15:09

Not read the full thread but in this situation I think do not say anything to your husband especially if you both love each other and your family and life together is happy and supportive. What you did was stupid and selfish, I don't think it makes you an awful person and I would say the same thing to a man who had done the same as long as it was a highly anomalous one off.

You need to be really honest with yourself about what is going on with your fellow student. Its a bit odd to me that he would stay back with you and another woman when most of the younger ones were going out unless he really thought he was in with a good chance of sleeping with you. So I wonder just how much is already going on between you emotionally.

If you think you will ever be tempted to see him again or if he will try and see you then I think you need to tell your husband. Lose your phone (and his number) and get a new one with a new number he won't have block him on all portals.

As reality check a single guy in his early 30's might be titillated and turned on to sleep with an older, married woman but the chances that he has any serious interest in you are very slim, you may be a milf to him, a fantasy but he'll still most likely want a younger woman closer to his own age to build a life and family with. So if you keep going there you will lose what you have with your husband, your family unit for a bit of superficial excitement which wouldn't last.

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 15:11

MN is unbelievable.

How many threads are there on places like AIBU with the woman posting about her H doing something relatively minor and the consensus is LTB? Loads.

A woman posts here about cheating and the consensus is, "Keep quiet."

Incredible.