Page 13 | I’ve done a terrible thing

Miserablemondsy · 2023-08-19T09:22:16+00:00

Hi, i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13 for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel. on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room. the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me. We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex) the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦♂️ i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

LHJ21 · 19/08/2023 14:39

If you’re married and he is engaged - who had the condoms for safe sex?

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 14:40

IamSaved · 19/08/2023 14:31

I am in shock and disgusted with some of the replies here.

The OP has already devastated her family by cheating on her husband. He has a right to know that he is married to a cheat and to make a decision whether he wishes to continue the marriage. If the husband decides to divorce, it is entirely the OP's fault that the family has been split.

Some people are commenting that something must've been missing in the marriage that caused her to cheat on her husband... well that is a load of old bollocks. If something is missing or wrong in a marriage, then you TALK to your spouse. You don't go fucking other blokes. Do marriage vows mean fuck all these days?

Fuck! What a load of shit.

I’ve commented to the effect that both men and women may look outside the relationship if there’s something missing within it - but as a consequence of the issue remaining unresolved. I don’t think anyone is advocating that ‘fucking other blokes’ resolves anything, or is justified.

RedSkiesandAllies · 19/08/2023 14:40

Moomuffin · 19/08/2023 14:32

No judgement from me op.
We’ve all done things we shouldn’t, made mistakes and done things we regret.

If he’s unlikely to find out, keep quiet and keep your family together. No good can come from telling him.

Oh yeah, for sure many of us have made mistakes, I make plenty...

Finding random c* in my mouth hasn't ever been one of them.

The OP may find peace with that, she may not.

Her dh on the other hand hasn't been given that choice.

I was glad I found out I had been cheated on as living with a cheat and a liar wasn't anything I has signed up to.

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 14:41

Tell your husband so he knows he’s married to a cheat - why?

So that he can decide if he wants to continue the relationship, as should be his right. He deserves to know and to be given the option as to what he wants to do. Respecting your partner isn't that difficult a concept. Well you'd think it wasn't but perhaps it is judging by the number of selfish people on here who think it's right to make that decision for him.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 14:41

LHJ21 · 19/08/2023 14:39

If you’re married and he is engaged - who had the condoms for safe sex?

Exactly. I would have thought it would be him - it makes sense that he would have condoms in his wallet or similar, if that’s what they normally use. Doesn’t indicate that the condoms were brought specifically for that encounter.

askmenow · 19/08/2023 14:42

readbooksdrinktea · 19/08/2023 10:35

Your husband should be told so he can make an informed decision about whether or not he wants to stay married to you.

readbooksdrinktea....Dont be so pompous..."there but for the grace of God" etc.
She made a mistake, recognises it as such, has resolved it would never happen again so why blow up a family and inflict unnecessary hurt on those you love....
Dont tell, live with it and resolve to do better. You're happy in your relationship and we all make mistakes. Forgive yourself and move on.

5128gap · 19/08/2023 14:42

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 14:09

There's a lot of people on this thread dressing up advice for the OP to "keep quiet," as it'll only hurt her husband and tear her family apart-as if they're somehow guarding an innocent man from being hurt.

Yes, it will hurt if he finds out that his DW is a cheat. No doubt about it. Imagine how much worse it would feel for him if she keeps quiet and then the OM's fiancé finds out and blabs to him. Or OP has a falling out with her sister and her sister lets it slip. Or her sister tells someone by accident and they let it slip.

Imagine how bad that would feel for him-not only is your DW a cheat, but she's also a liar who was happy to allow you to continue to believe your marriage was a faithful one based on honesty, trust and respect.

There's a lot of people suggesting that the OP keeps quiet to protect her family. Really-that's nothing to do with them. It's to do with the OP protecting herself from the consequences of her own actions. It's an utter cop out to say that she should keep quiet because it's only going to hurt him. She's already hurt him-just because he doesn't know it-doesn't mean she hasn't done it.

She's already betrayed him and their family. It's just a matter of him discovering the betrayal. If she lies and hides this-that's another betrayal added into the mix.

It's not smug to think that relationships should be founded on honesty, trust and respect. That people should act with integrity and take ownership of their actions and decisions, including the bad ones that may have bad consequences.

In truth I doubt he'd feel much worse however he found out. The cheating is the cause of the real wound isn't it? Finding out from someone else may rub some salt in it, but negligible in terms of the real injury. I can't imagine the guy feeling an intense sense of wellbeing if the OP confesses, because at least he heard it from her.
We're not talking about a long affair with a huge cast of conspirators making a fool of him. Three people know. None of them likely to disclose. This man will undoubtedly be happier if it stays that way.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 14:43

askmenow · 19/08/2023 14:42

readbooksdrinktea....Dont be so pompous..."there but for the grace of God" etc.
She made a mistake, recognises it as such, has resolved it would never happen again so why blow up a family and inflict unnecessary hurt on those you love....
Dont tell, live with it and resolve to do better. You're happy in your relationship and we all make mistakes. Forgive yourself and move on.

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I used the word ‘smug’ but pompous describes it much better.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 19/08/2023 14:44

askmenow · 19/08/2023 14:42

readbooksdrinktea....Dont be so pompous..."there but for the grace of God" etc.
She made a mistake, recognises it as such, has resolved it would never happen again so why blow up a family and inflict unnecessary hurt on those you love....
Dont tell, live with it and resolve to do better. You're happy in your relationship and we all make mistakes. Forgive yourself and move on.

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"There but for the grace of God" is such bollocks.

Lots of people manage to have nights out with their colleagues and don't fall into bed with them at the first opportunity. Lots of people manage to go out drinking and don't fuck around behind their partners' backs.

One night stands are a choice - I really don't know why everyone is trying to convince themselves otherwise

Spanky123 · 19/08/2023 14:44

Pipsquiggle · 19/08/2023 14:37

This is not a gender issue - I would give exactly the same advice to a man in the same circumstance.

What I think is the most important point is that this was literally a 1 night stand.
There has been no pattern of infidelity prior to this isolated incident.

OP seems horrified at her actions, remorseful and resolved not to repeat it. If she is genuine, I don't think there is any point in wrecking her whole family's life by admitting it to her DH. Her own sister, who knows all the parties involved, has advised the same.

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Do you have any moral standards?
I'm sure there are men out there who are remorseful and resolve not to repeat such an act. She broke her legal marriage contract in her vows and you are advising her not to tell her partner, to potentially save a relationship. The truth always comes out in the end. Imagine finding out a few years down the line instead of being upfront...

Rollonsept · 19/08/2023 14:44

RaidFlySpray · 19/08/2023 10:26

I think your husband deserves to know. And I don't think you'll have any peace within yourself with such a big secret hanging over you.

You know you've done a really stupid thing and a huge mistake, and I think you probably know that it will cost you very dearly. Please look after yourself as best you can.

Do not tell your husband OP. Its sheer selfish there is no good reason to go and tell your DH and cause forever more trust issues!! You will have to grin and bare the guilt don't pile this mess onto your DH.

sadaboutmycat · 19/08/2023 14:45

Skiphopandajump · 19/08/2023 10:49

It was a stupid one off mistake. Telling your husband would be devastating for the whole family as well as your circle of friends.
Just don't do it again

My thoughts entirely!

LHJ21 · 19/08/2023 14:45

@Rosscameasdoody I’d be very concerned if I was his fiancée and he was going around with condoms in his wallet instead of at home in the bedside table (for example). Especially if staying away. Fair enough if you’re single, but why would he need it in his wallet?

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 14:45

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 14:41

Exactly. I would have thought it would be him - it makes sense that he would have condoms in his wallet or similar, if that’s what they normally use. Doesn’t indicate that the condoms were brought specifically for that encounter.

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Sorry, should have made it clear that he would have condoms on him if that’ what he and his fiancee normally use.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 19/08/2023 14:45

We're not talking about a long affair with a huge cast of conspirators making a fool of him. Three people know. None of them likely to disclose.

Three people know so far.

OP told her sister. Who's to stay her ONS didn't tell his brother? Or a friend? Or felt guilty and confessed to his girlfriend? I wouldn't rely on everyone keeping quiet in this situation.

Pipsquiggle · 19/08/2023 14:46

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 14:37

So you would seriously jeopardize everything in your life and your whole family's life (and for their entire lives) for an isolated, deeply regrettable mistake?

Well I wouldn't have an affair but yes I would because I owe my partner the truth, the respect and the consideration that allows them to decide what's best for them. It's literally basic decency towards someone you're supposed to love. It's not some high unachievable standard. It's just respecting your partner and their autonomy.

And for the millionth time an affair is not a mistake. It's a series of choices and actions that you willingly made.

@IHateWasps
It's not an affair.

It's a drunken shag which she immensely regrets

I am not saying I condone her actions but I don't think she should bugger up her entire life and her family's life over this.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 14:46

LHJ21 · 19/08/2023 14:45

@Rosscameasdoody I’d be very concerned if I was his fiancée and he was going around with condoms in his wallet instead of at home in the bedside table (for example). Especially if staying away. Fair enough if you’re single, but why would he need it in his wallet?

My point was that if this was their chosen method of contraception he may have had them on him anyway. Or do you suppose that everyone only ever does it at home, in bed ?

Popworld · 19/08/2023 14:47

MotherofGorgons · 19/08/2023 14:21

Well please quote the right person because your quote there looks like I am the one who said I think cheating is justified. When I said its not.

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Will do lol

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 14:47

She made a mistake, recognises it as such, has resolved it would never happen again so why blow up a family and inflict unnecessary hurt on those you love....

It's not a fucking mistake! You choose to have an affair or a ONS. You're not forced to do so. You can't accidentally do it. You choose to cheat. FFS.

You know what's hurtful? Your partner not only cheating on you but also treating you like a child and making the decision for you, that you don't deserve to decide for yourself if you want to continue the relationship. That it's irrelevant what you'd choose. That it makes them feel better and they really don't want to lose you so fuck your wishes and fuck your feelings again. Yours clearly don't matter. It's all about them.

Mcgonigles · 19/08/2023 14:47

passthedaquri · 19/08/2023 11:03

Don't spill the beans, it was a mistake. Move and prioritise your kids and family.

This.

If it really was a one off and you completely cut contact then I wouldn't want to know.

Don't say anything.

Yes I'm talking from the experience of being in your partners shoes.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 14:48

Spanky123 · 19/08/2023 14:44

Do you have any moral standards?
I'm sure there are men out there who are remorseful and resolve not to repeat such an act. She broke her legal marriage contract in her vows and you are advising her not to tell her partner, to potentially save a relationship. The truth always comes out in the end. Imagine finding out a few years down the line instead of being upfront...

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Why is everyone expressing a different point of view considered to be devoid of moral standards ?

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 14:49

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 14:33

More insults to MN posters who dare not to go with the flow. How will the OP feel better when she’s eaten up with guilt ? Confessing is the only thing that will make her feel better, by assuaging her guilt, and it’s also the thing that will devastate everyone else involved.

Well yes if you(General you) don't respect your partner enough to realise that they deserve to know the truth and to make an informed decision about whether they want to continue a relationship under the circumstances then you are indeed a selfish piece of shit with no scruples.

I'd respect and be more understanding of a partner who had a ONS but who told me about it than I would if I learned years or decades later about the affair. Quite frankly I'd want blood. Not for the affair but for the years or decades of deception. For the complete lack of respect for my feelings and wishes. That's stooping lower than a tomcat. At least they're driven purely by instinct. Humans have a choice. Pretending that it's better for your partner to not know just because it's easier for you to hide it and not have your life disrupted by your own actions is as selfish as it gets.

I completely agree with all of this.

At the end of the day, it boils down to respect and trust.

If my partner cheated on me but told me about it as soon as he could-I would actually consider if we could actually work on the relationship and fix it. No guarantees-but I'd have a lot more respect for him because he was honest with him even though he knew it could be detrimental to him.

If my partner cheated on me and lied about it and I found out through some third party-I'd never be able to respect him or trust him again. He wouldn't just be a dirty cheat, he'd be a dirty cheat who lies to cover his own ass as well.

What respect can there be for a person like that?

Let's look at it like this:

OP has prioritised herself already. She's prioritised what she wants over her family by cheating.

By lying, she will further prioritise herself to ensure that she remains securely in the marriage.

You are all kidding yourselves if you think that her DH won't see it that way if it ever comes out. He will-he won't see her deception as her protecting him and their children from pain. He will see it as her protecting herself from being booted from the marriage. I'd imagine he would feel like a complete fool if he finds out down the line off someone else.

That is the reality because it is true. Pretend all you want that it's about protecting the family-it's not. It's about the OP keeping herself in the marriage by deception.

A lot of people have advised to keep quiet under the caveat of "If there's no way he can find out." So, it seems people's morals and decency is contingent on if they think they're going to get caught or not. If they think they can get away with something-do it and keep quiet and dress up keeping it quiet as some noble attempt to live with the guilt and protect your "loved" ones.

But the moral "police" are bad-because it's terribly inconvenient to have morals and decency and to treat others with honesty and respect, isn't it?

readbooksdrinktea · 19/08/2023 14:49

She decided to suck some dude's cock, and then she shagged him. I'm perfectly fine with being insulted for thinking her husband should get to decide whether he's OK with that.

Wouldyouguess · 19/08/2023 14:49

passthedaquri · 19/08/2023 11:03

Don't spill the beans, it was a mistake. Move and prioritise your kids and family.

Mistakes happen by accident, giving someone a blow job and f* them is hardly a 'mistake'.

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 14:50

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 14:48

Why is everyone expressing a different point of view considered to be devoid of moral standards ?

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Because your point of view shows a lack of moral standards.

You know if multiple people on the same thread have questioned your moral standards, I'd start looking at your moral standards and wonder why.