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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve done a terrible thing

673 replies

Miserablemondsy · 19/08/2023 10:22

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

OP posts:
IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 14:24

If there is something one partner is not getting from the relationship and it remains unresolved, it could result in them looking elsewhere for that missing element.

Then you behave like a mature adult and talk to your partner and split up if that's the solution. You don't cheat.

Newlifestartingover · 19/08/2023 14:25

This thread is depressing. Apparently cheating and hiding it is ok if you're a woman.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 19/08/2023 14:25

Fifireee · 19/08/2023 14:21

For goodness sake people are so dramatic.
Stop all contact with him.
Move on with your life.
Never speak about it to anyone.
NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

Too late. Her sister already knows.

And who's to say the other man hasn't told someone? Who's to say his fiancee won't find out and tell the OP's DH herself?

It comes up a lot on here - people are often advised to tell the OW's partner about cheating and affairs.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 19/08/2023 14:25

I think keep your mouth shut and don't let it happen again.

username0202 · 19/08/2023 14:25

Don't tell him. Your emotions are high and making you question yourself as it's only recently happened.
But in time and maybe therapy that may change.
It's horrible yes but it doesn't make you a horrible person. If it was a proper affair I would say definitely confess but as it was just one time. The damage it will do isn't worth it.

Maybe best to concentrate on getting some therapy on you felt like you needed the attention and intimacy from another man outside of your marriage whether it be once and drunken or not. Clearly something is missing.

Work on that instead of telling him.
@Miserablemondsy

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 14:26

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 14:21

If you tell him, there is a high probability that your marriage will breakdown and who will benefit from that?

The husband because he can make an informed decision about his relationship and if he wants to stay or go instead of being forced to continue a marriage based on a lie because it makes OP feel better.

It's staggering how many Mumsnetters have all the scruples and moral standards of a marauding tomcat.

More insults to MN posters who dare not to go with the flow. How will the OP feel better when she’s eaten up with guilt ? Confessing is the only thing that will make her feel better, by assuaging her guilt, and it’s also the thing that will devastate everyone else involved.

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 14:26

The moral police in here are ridiculous. Just move on and make sure you never do anything like that again.
People make mistakes all the time.

An affair is not a mistake. It's something you actively choose. It's actually a series of choices.

Also if respecting your partner and not having an affair is ridiculous then I'm happy to be so. I think it's about as basic as standards get personally.

Spanky123 · 19/08/2023 14:28

Pipsquiggle · 19/08/2023 14:21

@Spanky123

Yes she is for real and I completely agree

Show quote history

Can you please let all the men you know this is your accepted standard - when your on a work away day, shag a colleague or local from the pub, don't tell your partner and all is well.

butterpuffed · 19/08/2023 14:28

Stravaig · 19/08/2023 13:38

Also, and I strongly believe this, if your husband was truly giving you all the respect, attention and affection you need then this wouldn’t have happened. Don’t beat yourself up too much.

🤯
Make sure this is posted every time a woman has been cheated on.
No? Thought not.

Totally agree . Double standards 🙄

Pipsquiggle · 19/08/2023 14:29

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 14:21

If you tell him, there is a high probability that your marriage will breakdown and who will benefit from that?

The husband because he can make an informed decision about his relationship and if he wants to stay or go instead of being forced to continue a marriage based on a lie because it makes OP feel better.

It's staggering how many Mumsnetters have all the scruples and moral standards of a marauding tomcat.

@IHateWasps

So you would seriously jeopardize everything in your life and your whole family's life (and for their entire lives) for an isolated, deeply regrettable mistake?

IamSaved · 19/08/2023 14:31

I am in shock and disgusted with some of the replies here.

The OP has already devastated her family by cheating on her husband. He has a right to know that he is married to a cheat and to make a decision whether he wishes to continue the marriage. If the husband decides to divorce, it is entirely the OP's fault that the family has been split.

Some people are commenting that something must've been missing in the marriage that caused her to cheat on her husband... well that is a load of old bollocks. If something is missing or wrong in a marriage, then you TALK to your spouse. You don't go fucking other blokes. Do marriage vows mean fuck all these days?

Fuck! What a load of shit.

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 14:31

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 14:26

More insults to MN posters who dare not to go with the flow. How will the OP feel better when she’s eaten up with guilt ? Confessing is the only thing that will make her feel better, by assuaging her guilt, and it’s also the thing that will devastate everyone else involved.

Show quote history

Judging by the sheer amount of PP's who are advising that the OP keep quiet-I would say you are actually going with the flow and those of us with actual morals, standards and a shred of decency are the ones going against the flow.

You can't claim to go against the flow when the majority of posters agree with your low moral takes.

Moomuffin · 19/08/2023 14:32

No judgement from me op.
We’ve all done things we shouldn’t, made mistakes and done things we regret.

If he’s unlikely to find out, keep quiet and keep your family together. No good can come from telling him.

Laurdo · 19/08/2023 14:33

MotherofGorgons · 19/08/2023 14:16

@Laurdo I think you have tagged the wrong person. I didnt say that.

I think you replied to the quote I was aiming this at.

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 14:33

More insults to MN posters who dare not to go with the flow. How will the OP feel better when she’s eaten up with guilt ? Confessing is the only thing that will make her feel better, by assuaging her guilt, and it’s also the thing that will devastate everyone else involved.

Well yes if you(General you) don't respect your partner enough to realise that they deserve to know the truth and to make an informed decision about whether they want to continue a relationship under the circumstances then you are indeed a selfish piece of shit with no scruples.

I'd respect and be more understanding of a partner who had a ONS but who told me about it than I would if I learned years or decades later about the affair. Quite frankly I'd want blood. Not for the affair but for the years or decades of deception. For the complete lack of respect for my feelings and wishes. That's stooping lower than a tomcat. At least they're driven purely by instinct. Humans have a choice. Pretending that it's better for your partner to not know just because it's easier for you to hide it and not have your life disrupted by your own actions is as selfish as it gets.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 14:34

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 14:26

The moral police in here are ridiculous. Just move on and make sure you never do anything like that again.
People make mistakes all the time.

An affair is not a mistake. It's something you actively choose. It's actually a series of choices.

Also if respecting your partner and not having an affair is ridiculous then I'm happy to be so. I think it's about as basic as standards get personally.

This wasn’t an affair it was a drunken one night stand. Not trying to excuse it in any way, just making the distinction between an affair which involves sex as a result of emotional entanglement, and a one off, emotionless exchange of bodily fluid. So the OP has a choice. Does she respect her husband’s right to an informed decision about the future of the marriage, and confess. In which case she will assuage her guilt but will face the consequences of her actions. Or does she keep quiet in the knowledge that this will never happen again and that confession will devastate all involved - and in so doing, accept that this choice will also involve her facing the consequences of her actions, by living with the guilt.

Fifireee · 19/08/2023 14:34

Mumsnet where no one is really bothered about climate collapse and environmental disaster but they all go nuts over a stupid mistake.
Everyone is human ffs.
Tell your husband so he knows he’s married to a cheat - why?
Move on. Delete mumsnet and just move on. Try to be a better person and make sure you are never in contact with this man again.

JohnofOxford · 19/08/2023 14:35

Those who say stay silent are not approving or condoning OP's activities. Merely searching for the best way forward for the family.
OP has confessed. Perhaps not to a priest but most importantly to herself by coming to this congregation.
She should atone by working to make the marriage a success in as many ways as possible.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2023 14:36

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 14:31

Judging by the sheer amount of PP's who are advising that the OP keep quiet-I would say you are actually going with the flow and those of us with actual morals, standards and a shred of decency are the ones going against the flow.

You can't claim to go against the flow when the majority of posters agree with your low moral takes.

Show quote history

So this post was just another opportunity for you to insult me for daring to see both sides ?

FabFitFifties · 19/08/2023 14:36

If you decide not to tell him, don't ever tell him. It is horredous being confessed to 5 years down the line.

desperatelyseekingnoone · 19/08/2023 14:36

I think you should get yourself checked for an STI first and make sure you don't pass this on to anyone. If your husband has an STI he will find out about your affair this way, which is terrible, and also deal with a disease you've passed onto him. After that is all clear, I would advise you to tell him in a safe place. Clearly, there are issues in your marriage and faithfulness and perhaps the marriage can be saved with therapy and counselling. But please, you have a responsibility to check your health and others. Good luck.

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 14:37

So you would seriously jeopardize everything in your life and your whole family's life (and for their entire lives) for an isolated, deeply regrettable mistake?

Well I wouldn't have an affair but yes I would because I owe my partner the truth, the respect and the consideration that allows them to decide what's best for them. It's literally basic decency towards someone you're supposed to love. It's not some high unachievable standard. It's just respecting your partner and their autonomy.

And for the millionth time an affair is not a mistake. It's a series of choices and actions that you willingly made.

Pipsquiggle · 19/08/2023 14:37

Spanky123 · 19/08/2023 14:28

Can you please let all the men you know this is your accepted standard - when your on a work away day, shag a colleague or local from the pub, don't tell your partner and all is well.

Show quote history

This is not a gender issue - I would give exactly the same advice to a man in the same circumstance.

What I think is the most important point is that this was literally a 1 night stand.
There has been no pattern of infidelity prior to this isolated incident.

OP seems horrified at her actions, remorseful and resolved not to repeat it. If she is genuine, I don't think there is any point in wrecking her whole family's life by admitting it to her DH. Her own sister, who knows all the parties involved, has advised the same.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 19/08/2023 14:38

This wasn’t an affair it was a drunken one night stand.

OP wasn't that drunk - she knew full well that she was doing something wrong and carried on anyway. Let's not use alcohol to excuse shitty behaviour.

Lots of people manage to drink and not fuck their colleagues behind their husbands backs.

IHateWasps · 19/08/2023 14:38

One night stands are not a mistake either. She didn't fall and stumble onto an erect penis.