I’ve done a terrible thing

[Miserablemondsy]

Hi,

i’m 42, married to a great guy with 2 dc’s aged 9 and 13

for the last couple of years I’ve been doing a part time uni course funded and supported by my employer. This has involved several overnight residential sessions. The group of other students are great and we quickly got into the habit of going for drinks etc when we were all staying in the hotel.

on our last residential in June a few of the younger ones decided to go into town. Me, another woman and a guy weren’t up for it so we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks in my room.

the woman left after half hour leaving me With the guy. He’s 32 and has become a good friend over the course of our studies. I admit that I found him attractive and I got the impression that he liked me.

We sat in my room watching TV and shared a bottle of wine. We were both tipsy and he was being flirty. I can’t believe this happened but I ended up giving him a BJ and shagging him. (Safe sex)

the next morning we both agreed that ut had been a huge mistake and something that we won’t discuss again, our course had ended now so there’s mo need for any further contact. He’s getting married next year 🤦‍♂️

i’m devastated at what I’ve done. Until that night I had been 100% faithful. I just don’t know what to do

my heart tells me I must confess but my head tells me that it will destroy my family. My older sister is like a second mum ( 12 years older) and I have confided in her. She thinks that I need to move on and hero my mouth shut

I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, WWYD?

As someone who has been cheated on and found out later, I'd rather be told by the cheat at the time. The cheating is compounded by the concealment. I was also furious that he, knowing that I am a blood donor, had risked my STI-free status that blood recipients rely upon for their health by shagging someone else.

The truth is very likely to come out. He might forgive a one night stand but he will not forgive the cover-up. And if you don't tell him, you will spend the rest of your marriage looking over your shoulder, which will affect how you behave and will put a strain on your relationship.

I have actually posted the POV from both sides and the possible consequences of both courses of action. If you feel that this is your ‘Gotcha’ moment, and you feel that insulting other posters by questioning their morals is OK, then fine. I’m happy for you.

How will her children lose their father? Just because he decides to leave his cheating wife doesn't mean he'll walk away from his children. He was probably home looking after the kids while she was flirting and shagging other men so who's really the good parent in this situation. Plenty of separated parents share equally custody of their kids. If they end up in court the judge won't look to favourably on someone who cheated.

Agree with this. Also, why would you feel less guilty if you told him? If you don’t tell him, only you have to live with what you’ve done.

If you tell him, the whole family will suffer and you will feel far more guilty.

Also, don’t invite moral judgement from MN. A lot of these posters have been cheated on and are bitter. Understandably, but they’re not necessarily going to give good advice.

There's a lot of people on this thread dressing up advice for the OP to "keep quiet," as it'll only hurt her husband and tear her family apart-as if they're somehow guarding an innocent man from being hurt.

Yes, it will hurt if he finds out that his DW is a cheat. No doubt about it. Imagine how much worse it would feel for him if she keeps quiet and then the OM's fiancé finds out and blabs to him. Or OP has a falling out with her sister and her sister lets it slip. Or her sister tells someone by accident and they let it slip.

Imagine how bad that would feel for him-not only is your DW a cheat, but she's also a liar who was happy to allow you to continue to believe your marriage was a faithful one based on honesty, trust and respect.

There's a lot of people suggesting that the OP keeps quiet to protect her family. Really-that's nothing to do with them. It's to do with the OP protecting herself from the consequences of her own actions. It's an utter cop out to say that she should keep quiet because it's only going to hurt him. She's already hurt him-just because he doesn't know it-doesn't mean she hasn't done it.

She's already betrayed him and their family. It's just a matter of him discovering the betrayal. If she lies and hides this-that's another betrayal added into the mix.

It's not smug to think that relationships should be founded on honesty, trust and respect. That people should act with integrity and take ownership of their actions and decisions, including the bad ones that may have bad consequences.

I wouldn't do anything, ID work on myself and not repeat the mistake and move on. ID be advising the same if you were a bloke so regardless of the sex it doesn't matter and there is no point in breaking up a family.
Do some work and try to find out why you made the mistake.

“If they end up in court the judge won't look to favourably on someone who cheated.”

Absolute rubbish.

op if u think u reallllllly can't not tell him then u need to tell
him or ur gonna give urself some shocking mental health issues.

only you can tell what will happen but chances are - he's gonna be raging, want to know who it is, will tell all your friends and family. work colleagues will
find out. a sudden break up doesn't just happen out of nowhere.
i think u are suffering enough. why drag him down to where you are, give him trust issues for the rest of his life, ruin your family and extended family, not to mention all the financial hassle.
op u made a mistake. it happens to people all the time. uz we're drunk. pretty much don't think u will do it again.
u will have to live with it wether to tell him or not. telling him won't lift you of the guilt, just give you lots of other ones.

So if a man cheat because his wife isn't having sex with him then that's totally fine?

If this genuinely was a one night stand and there is minimal chance of him ever finding out then I would not tell your DH.

If you tell him, there is a high probability that your marriage will breakdown and who will benefit from that?

You need to concentrate on why this happened and if it likely to happen again. Please work on yourself to be the best you can be which includes being a good mother and wife

BTW I know women who have had 1 night stands and they have kept it from their spouse and they are still happily married 10+ years on

@Laurdo I think you have tagged the wrong person. I didnt say that.

Seriously Op stay silent, your sister has advised you to, the guy in question won't say anything. You're human.
To put this into context I also immediately forgave a boyfriends one night stand when working away. Surprised he told me. The difference here is that although women can see sex as as one off fun, men often do, it may not be seen as that.
Don't risk your family. It will be fine.
Say nothing.

I'll have to qoute this on the next post a husband cheating in his wife

Least said soonest mended: Stay stuum!
Nobody will feel better if you confess.
No one will be better if you confess.

What is there in any of my posts that suggests to you that I have no morals ? As I’ve previously said, I’ve postulated both sides of the argument.

Are you for real?

Oh, I don't know. The fact that you push for people who cheat to keep quiet and continue to deceive their partners was a big indicator of a lack of morals.

Well please quote the right person because your quote there looks like I am the one who said I think cheating is justified. When I said its not.

If you tell him, there is a high probability that your marriage will breakdown and who will benefit from that?

The husband because he can make an informed decision about his relationship and if he wants to stay or go instead of being forced to continue a marriage based on a lie because it makes OP feel better.

It's staggering how many Mumsnetters have all the scruples and moral standards of a marauding tomcat.

@Spanky123

Yes she is for real and I completely agree

For goodness sake people are so dramatic.
Stop all contact with him.
Move on with your life.
Never speak about it to anyone.
NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

But men and women cheat for very different reasons sometimes and also this could equally apply to men and women. If there is something one partner is not getting from the relationship and it remains unresolved, it could result in them looking elsewhere for that missing element. Not sure what this would be for the OP though - wouldn’t have thought a one nighter is the solution to anything really.

If only she had.....

The moral police in here are ridiculous. Just move on and make sure you never do anything like that again.
People make mistakes all the time.