I've fallen in love and it's bad news

[Faghag]

because I am married with three children and he is gay and fifteen years my junior. That says it all. We've drifted into this. We've been talking for an hour a day every day for over a year - just as the best of friends. I thought I was perfectly safe - who wouldn't with a gay man young enough to be my son. It became a very intense friendship with a lot of emotional involvement. DH was jealous, unreasonably so, I thought. Until we had sex last weekend and now my whole world is falling apart. I feel wretchedly guilty.

True you always have a choice, but you do not stand alone here, you are the mother of 3, and the wife of another and you owe him before you owe your friend.

Take time, consider your situation, hes not just a friend he's a gay friend, and no matter how well you get on, and how wonderful he is to you, you are missing one major organ, love does not conquer all, especially not a 10 inch lurve muscle,

good luck Faghag, rather you than me, and I believe you, real life is always crazier than fiction imo.

Haven't read most of the thread but I hope you used condoms.

It would never work long term so you are best stopping all contact with him now. Then if in a year's time your marriage is still bad then you part from your husband and then only when all that is sorted out do you look at finding someone else.

I voulnteer at a gay switchboard (am Bisexual), to all the people, I assure you that this is an extremely common situation.

FH, I know you're head over heels about this, but I do think you need to cool off and reassess whether or not you really want to end your marriage.

I know that you really don't want to hear this, and obviously not all situations like this are the same, but in my experience gay men who sleep with their fag hags rarely leave everything behind for a nice heterosexual life with a divorcee and three stepkids. Proceed with extreme caution.

When I read these threads - I want to scream - shake the OP (virtually through my monitor) and generally jump up and down until the OP listens.

These situations (gay/HIV/BI/Emotional Affair/substitute whatever you like), never ever fail to destroy lives.

I speak from experience.

Give your marriage a last chance - totally free of the excitement of this affair. If it doesn't work, end things with your husband of 19 years in with compassion and decency. He is the father of your children - in the absence of battery/abuse, he deserves this, at the very least.

If, once you are free to pursue another relationship, pursue this man. Just bear in mind that it will affect your children.

I always feels so worried for people in situations like this, that they are so caught up in the moment that what is truly important becomes obscured. I nearly lost my family, my security, my life.

I can, without a shadow of a doubt say, that it was NOT worth it. Luckily, I managed to kick myself up the arse before I lost it all. Looking back I cringe. How could I even have contemplated losing my precious DH and the relationship I have with my kids for that?

It makes me feel ill.

Please, FH, think carefully. I'd hate to see you posting in 6 months time about how much you regret your actions and how many lives your actions had destroyed.

I agree with Xenia- very sensible.

Restless and headachey and miserable waiting for friend to call. I've only had 3 texts from him today so a relatively quiet day.

Thank you Dejags. Xenia, I didn't plan this to happen and if I'd been more controlled and orderly it never would have happened.

dont wait for him to call, use it as time to think about everything

it's a difficult situation you are in

I'm with dejags.

what a shame for you and him and dh and the children. you should stop this friendship now if it's making dh jealous, and concentrate on him. your friend, well, he's not so much your responsibility tbh. his heart will be broken for a while, but he'll learn that it's wrong to fixate on married women.

It's never planned but there's always a choice as to whether to spend time with someone whether of your own sex or a man or with your family in a sense. I have a friend torn between lover and wife at the moment and it is unbearably painful for him. There was an article in this week's Times by a man who left his wife for his lover who he then married and wasn't happy. A common tale but then again people do leave for someone else and live happily ever after. BUT you need to bear in mind that 60% of second marriage where there are children fail, that your first relationship after a split usually doesn't last anyway as it's rebound and he's younger and at the least bi sexual so not likely to stick around and let';s hope he hasn;t had 200 male lovers.

As someone who did leave a 19 year marriage (but not because of anyone else) I can say sometimes that is the right thing to do even for the children but I'm not sure this sounds like the right reason unless he's got a marriage proposal up his sleeve and can support you (or you him if you work).

On no account tell your husband which will only add to everyone's misery.

Op you know what the answer is - why did you come on here expecting absolution?

Bloody awful situation but you need to sort it out pronto & No there is no easy answer -sorry!

Not expecting absolution, but I did get some real support actually. It's not easy atm.

Xenia how did you get work into this thread? I do work. I don't plan to marry the friend. I don't plan to tell my husband. I will work on my marriage. None of those good resolutions are bringing me any comfort right now though.

I know. I felt sorrier for my friend than anyone for a long time. It's a really hard dilemma - do you destroy your family life or remain in a marriage that is dead and in his case he'd lose his children which at least women don't usually risk.

Lots of people continue to see the lover, don't they, in secret sometimes for years. I don't think that's wise but is obviously another option too.

I hope there's no chance your husband will read this - hope he hasn't installed software on the PC which keeps a records of what is typed - can't remember the name of it but it records the keys typed.