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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've fallen in love and it's bad news

163 replies

Faghag · 28/02/2008 21:33

because I am married with three children and he is gay and fifteen years my junior. That says it all. We've drifted into this. We've been talking for an hour a day every day for over a year - just as the best of friends. I thought I was perfectly safe - who wouldn't with a gay man young enough to be my son. It became a very intense friendship with a lot of emotional involvement. DH was jealous, unreasonably so, I thought. Until we had sex last weekend and now my whole world is falling apart. I feel wretchedly guilty.

OP posts:
Youcannotbeserious · 28/02/2008 22:17

So, how would you like it work out?

WOULD you like it to work out?

Original poster
Faghag · 28/02/2008 22:17

I didn't lust after him, that's what took me by surprise. Really I didn't. I don't think he did either.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 28/02/2008 22:17

the basis of your relationship with GayMan is lies,intrigue,drama,illicit,lust,secrecy.all VExciting compared to a sexless relationship at the moment. You both have a daredevil time(oh might get caught/intensity that secrecy brings)can this relationship endure?

FastForward- will GayMan help with 3 children, do school run, take the rubbish out, help with the laundry mountain. support you and 3 children if you split from DH

what if GayMan meets anther man?are you his exploratory female sex?

beaniesteve · 28/02/2008 22:19

is this just a joke?

Original poster
Faghag · 28/02/2008 22:20

How would I like it to play out? I'd like to grow old with him. If it didn't involve hurting anyone, which it would. Another problem is that I'd grow old before him. I think I've ruined one of the best friendships I've ever had.

OP posts:
Youcannotbeserious · 28/02/2008 22:20

I don't think it's got much to do with sex / lust etc., I think it's far more to do with meeting each others emtional needs.

It's just sleeping together makes things more complicated and intense, especially as it now includes others.

I do agree with Dior that, in 6 months, you might look back and be like ''OMG!!! OMG!!!''

I guess it's fair to say I've walked a similar path, and it had nothing to do with sex at all.

Original poster
Faghag · 28/02/2008 22:22

Oh god I wish it was a joke. No I wish it was as far removed from my life as it is from yours beaniesteve.

He is useless around the house scottishmummy.

OP posts:
lou33 · 28/02/2008 22:22

there was an emotional attachment before a sexual one, which is why it is all the more confusing, and not as easy to walk away from

thats how i see it anyway

colacubes · 28/02/2008 22:24

I think you've ruined your marraige, you'll always know, dh will always wonder and your friend will always be the one you think off,

madamez · 28/02/2008 22:24

Hmm, so how does your DH feel about your sexless marriage? Is he the one refusing sex? Is he likely to feel that you are welcome to shag other people as long as you are discreet? (and if you think that's a 'yes', how sure are you?) Because people do successfully maintain their relationships in a huge variety of ways. Life is not as either/or as stupid people often seem to think. Just about everyone, for instance, is potentially bisexual, on a sliding scale somewhere between straight and gay, so the fact that your identified-as-gay friend wanted, and had, sex with you is not that big a deal. If you had safe sex with him and know him well enough to know that the sex he has generally had with other people has been safe too, then the risk to you (and by extension to your DH) is not massive, though you might want to get a test done.
But you need to think carefully about what happens next, and think through everything before making any rash decisions or sudden moves. GOod luck.

Original poster
Faghag · 28/02/2008 22:26

Thank you madamez. No my DH will not feel that I am welcome to shag other people.

OP posts:
ihadagaylovertoo · 28/02/2008 22:26

One of my best gay friends (whom I never slept with) had an "elderly" married lady as his lady lover. He liked her because he could now and then escape into a dreamworld with the ultimate female, a mother, a lover and a motherfigure all in one. He spoke at length about lazy days spent at her boudoir, with chocolate, sherry, massages, food, chat. The next day he would be taken from behind in a dark alley by "a bull of a man".

Grow old with him? That you can do with him beside you AS A FRIEND. Put the sex behind you. Put in some distance, and work out your life with your family.

Original poster
Faghag · 28/02/2008 22:27

Yes Lou that's the problem, as you say.

OP posts:
Original poster
Faghag · 28/02/2008 22:28

Oh god ihadagaylovertoo - that would completely destroy me.

OP posts:
Youcannotbeserious · 28/02/2008 22:29

I get the feeling FH's DH is not going to take this well at all.

I think it's going to come as a bloody massive wake up call, TBH.

I actually don't believe you've ruined your marriage at this point. But, what you do next is make or break.

And, I'm afraid I only see two options: stay or go.

If you stay, then you work on all the issues that have come out with DH and you leave toyboy. No calls, no friendship, no nothing....

Original poster
Faghag · 28/02/2008 22:31

I can't possibly leave my marriage - we've got three children - that's ridiculous - I don't know what's happening

OP posts:
beaniesteve · 28/02/2008 22:32

do you still love your husband?

Dior · 28/02/2008 22:32

Message withdrawn

Youcannotbeserious · 28/02/2008 22:33

FH - sorry to be blunt, but carry on like this, your DH will find out, and you might well not have the luxury of staying in your marriage....

ihadagaylovertoo · 28/02/2008 22:34

FORGET mr toyboy.

I once had an emotional affair, and the only way to get out without tearing your marriage to pieces and hurt your kids, and end up in a flat with your exdh in another flat and arguing about visitation, and where the kids are going to stay for Christmas, with mum or dad, etc, is to go cold turkey with mr toyboy. No calls, no texts, nothing. NO CONTACT.

Original poster
Faghag · 28/02/2008 22:36

Sorry I was rereading the thread and realised that people thought I was taking the piss. I wish. Is it really that ridiculous?

I don't think I do love my DH, I don't know, we haven;t talked for a long time. Mostly he grumps at me. We are busy most of the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Faghag · 28/02/2008 22:38

Is that what I was having? An emotional affair? I think that's such a good expression.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 28/02/2008 22:39

Doh!who would take adultery and betrayal wellFagHag you need to walk away from your gayMan.address the deep rooted issues that made you seek solace, sex,companionship with this man

it is unrealistic to think you and GayMna will be together toe tapping to Kylie as a couple "If it didn't involve hurting anyone"...3 children without daddy?

Get a grip you have been unfaithful and betrayed your DH - someone will get hurt as a result

ihadagaylovertoo · 28/02/2008 22:39

Something good may still come out of this. You go work on your marriage girl! You go find yourself in all this! ok!

Youcannotbeserious · 28/02/2008 22:39

To be fair, I think a few people just tested the water... I mean, it's not the usual run of the mill story, is it?

I think you've got our full attention now, though!!!