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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've fallen in love and it's bad news

163 replies

Faghag · 28/02/2008 21:33

because I am married with three children and he is gay and fifteen years my junior. That says it all. We've drifted into this. We've been talking for an hour a day every day for over a year - just as the best of friends. I thought I was perfectly safe - who wouldn't with a gay man young enough to be my son. It became a very intense friendship with a lot of emotional involvement. DH was jealous, unreasonably so, I thought. Until we had sex last weekend and now my whole world is falling apart. I feel wretchedly guilty.

OP posts:
ihadagaylovertoo · 28/02/2008 22:41

(but look how many name changers on this thread... )

Faghag · 28/02/2008 22:45

I can't get that image out of my head now - of the elderly wife with sherry (yuck) and massages and the dark alley afterwards. Oh god this is awful.

Yes I namechanged. I am ashamed.

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scottishmummy · 28/02/2008 22:48

try getting the image of telling your husband and 3 children what you have been up to out of your head

Youcannotbeserious · 28/02/2008 22:51

Ohh... Scottishmummy, stop being so bloody moralistic... It's not like FH is on here hooting away about how pleased she is with the situation.

No, it's not great, but laying the guilt trip now is a bit like shutting the gate after the horse has bolted.

Faghag · 28/02/2008 22:52

I didn't mean it to happen. Ihadagaylovertoo - you are right about breaking the contact I am sure but he has become such a big part of my life - emotional affair is quite right

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scottishmummy · 28/02/2008 22:54

Moralistic?Oh im sorry- what about yeah go out shagging, indulge hedonistic urges, feck anyone else, oh and a bitty Kylie too

if it read uncomfortably - tough titty!

Youcannotbeserious · 28/02/2008 22:55

I don't think either of you meant for this to happen, but I think you know in your head and in your heart of hearts what you need to do next.

even if he thinks he wants to settle down with you and play happy families, your own famil might have some thoughts of their own on that one... And I think there is a reason you've been with your DH for 19 years..... I think you love him... YOu might not be in love with him right now, but ou were in love with him once - probably for a long time, and certainly longer than this relationship has lasted.

WOuld you DH consider counselling?

Faghag · 28/02/2008 23:01

We went to marriage guidance about six years ago and that helped a lot but we seemed to have drifted apart a bit.

Scottish - what is a bitty kylie? Or don't I want to know?

OP posts:
charliecat · 28/02/2008 23:02

Reding this with interest, in something similar that Ihadagaylovertoo talks of.
Not married though.
You do need to sort that out.
You shouldnt overstep the mark regardless.
Good Luck.

Youcannotbeserious · 28/02/2008 23:05

I want to know too? What is a bitty kylie?

All I'm saying is no-one sets out to mess things up, that's all.

I'm not sitting here saying 'hey, guys, look at FH!!! Let's all go try that!' Not in a million.

But, I equally don't think FH decided 'ooh.. I know, let's confuse the hell out of my life, so much so I don't know if I'm coming or going'

Just remember: There, but for the grace of god, go I.

PersephoneSnape · 28/02/2008 23:07

do you trust gayman? personally i couldn't trust someone who thinks it's acceptable to screw your best friend and jeopardise their marriage and relationship with their children.

are you just bored with your marriage? could you leave dh and dcs and run away with GM to live happily ever after? because each time he pops out to the shops and he's late back, you'll imagine him in that dimly lit alleyway getting shagged six sheets to the wind. with younger boys, given your age gap, you'll always suspect that you're saggy and old and he's off chicken hunting. you deserve better than that, don't you? and your dh probably deserves better than that and your dcs definitely do.

please get your husband back in counselling, even if only on the basis that not having sex for three years needs to be addressed.

mrsruffallo · 28/02/2008 23:09

I disagree, youcannot.
If you are committed to a marriage/partnership you stop yourself when a dangerous temptation comes on the scene.
You are just not out there.
I believe when most women put themselves in a position where they fall in love with someone else, it signifies the end of the original relationship.

Faghag · 28/02/2008 23:12

Do I trust him? Is he solid and dependable like my DH? No on both counts. Unfortunately I happen to love him.

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madamez · 28/02/2008 23:13

I think that if someone has a partner who pays them little or no attention, or criticises them constantly, and if life seems like one long round of thankless chores, then it's not really very surprising that such a person will seek out the company of someone who is attentive, amusing, entertaining etc. And certainly (particularly if you live in Straightworld) a woman who makes close friends with a gay man is going to think this is a perfectly 'safe' friendship, and so are most people around her. Probably including her partner. Unfortunately it's not that unusual for such a situation to get more complicated, as this one has done. FH you are not the first and you won't be the last, and no-one's been killed. But whatever you do next, please do your level best to do it as kindly as possible, because that's the one thing that will help everyone work towards at least an amicable future.

Faghag · 28/02/2008 23:13

I didn't know that a dangerous temptation had come on the scene. That phrase of an emotional affair really is true - I wonder how many other women have fallen into that?

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scottishmummy · 28/02/2008 23:13

making an emotional/physical connection with someone else is indicative of problematic relationship.face it, no one embarks on an illicit relationship because they are too happy

Youcannotbeserious · 28/02/2008 23:14

But, isn't that what FH is doing? Now she's realised that this IS a dangerous situation, she knows she has to back off / end it.

I agree, that to be 'out there' is pretty much the end of the original relationship, but sometimes, a relationship can just sort of creep up... For ages, you think it's just innocent and then, bam.! It's not.

As I said in an earlier post, I don't think FH's marriage is over at this point, more what happens next decides that.

I agree, if you are to save a marriage, that has to be at the exclusion of all other 'relationships' which may threaten it.

scottishmummy · 28/02/2008 23:14

fagHag sorry but you use a flowery florid term to describe a grubby illicit affair.

Faghag · 28/02/2008 23:18

The phrase emotional affair you mean scottish? It wasn't my phrase, but I think it is a good one. What happened is that I'd read a book and think O would like that, I'll send it to him. And vice versa. So we'd talk about stuff all the time and we ended up emotionally very close and then the sex crept up.

OP posts:
Joash · 28/02/2008 23:18

Firstly - just because a gay man had sex with a woman does not necessarily make him 'Bi'. There are a surprising number of gay men and lesbians who have 'done-the-deed' with members of the opposite sex.
Having been there (the falling in love bit with a gay best friend - not the sex bit), I am aware of how easy it is to fall in love with someone who gives you the things that you might not be getting from your DH.

In my case it was the fact that he was always genuinely interested in me, my feelings, what made me tick, my life, etc, etc. he always remembered the little things that I might have said in passing - but whilst DH often didnt pick up on the things that were really important my friend 'D' did. He was always there - no matter what (or who) was going on in his life. He could literally read me like a book, was extremely perseptive. We even developed some sort of psychic link ... We saw or spoke to each other every single day. If I was feeling upset or down he would somehow know and turn up on the doorstep saying he 'felt' that I needed him - even at one point returning from a holiday in New york when something major happened to me, even though I hadn't said anything to him, or enyone else about it(this also worked the other way too - I always knew when to contact him). The emotions invested in this friendship were incredibly intense. We did love each other and would tell each other regularly.

My DH was very jealous of my relationship with 'D', on the face of it, as they were both very important to me, they made a show of getting on face-to-face. In reality, both were jealous of each other.

IN the end, and with a lot of hindsight ... It literally came down to the fact that I got entirely different things from both of them. If I could have melded them together in some way - I would have had the perfect man. But it just can't happen. This relationship is unlikely to work out and you and he are not the only ones who could be hurt.

If you think your husband can deal with what happened - then tell him. If not, then you have to be the adult and deal with your mistake. Perhaps it was just one of those things. If you don't want to lose your husband and potentially your kids (or at least their trust) - then leave it, look at it as one of those things and get on with your life. This will eventually become easier to live with.

mrsruffallo · 28/02/2008 23:18

Youcannot- but FH doesn't want to back off/end it.
The end of a marriage is always sad and difficult, esp with children involved.
This must be a hard time for FH but sorry, don't believe in the bam!! out of nowhere

Faghag · 28/02/2008 23:20

Oh Joash, I am crying now you describe it so well

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Joash · 28/02/2008 23:25

Faghag - me too It does still hurt as I no longer see my friend. It had to be a complete break for us. I hope you can work out what you need to do.

Youcannotbeserious · 28/02/2008 23:25

MrsR...

Maybe you are right.

FH - YOu do KNOW you have to end this relationship or leave your marriage, don't you?

It really is that simple. I'm sorry, it is hard, but it is true....

xxx

lou33 · 28/02/2008 23:26

if you still want to contact me, forget cat , just email me at morticiatsf at googlemail dot com

this all happened with me a while ago but its all still difficult to define our relationship now

though easier for me as my h and i had already long split

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